Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

did I make the right decision?

116 replies

crossroads1 · 16/02/2021 23:10

hi all , long post alert so I apologise in advance.

I got married a few months ago, hubby and I were fed up of having to keep postponing due to corona so got married and then lockdown happened. DH and I have known each other for a decade and been together for a few years - we were completely head over heels for each other.. and then we got married and everything changed.

I started to become such a bitch to him. To give some content to how this started, at our wedding even though it was small, his side were rubbish with gifts. My side was really generous whereas his side didn't give us anything. his bro-in law said 'our present was coming next week'...that was 4 months ago. Then I moved into his house (MIL also lives with us but is lovely so I didn't mind) (side note - we didn't live together before marriage- its a cultural thing)...

I started harbouring this resentment about the lack of gifts that were given from his side and then I started taking digs at the house - the decor, and old fashioned cutlery, everything just seemed to annoy me!! I might add that I earn a lot more than him, I have a better job, more educated and generally 'status' wise my family are on a diff level, this didn't bother me initially because I was crazy about him but after the wedding and moving in I started to wonder if I had made a wrong decision, I do like the finer things in life and I don't know if he can give them to me.

cut to last week and we decided to have a few drinks as we didn't get to have a honeymoon or any downtime. Ill also add we ended up testing positive for coronavirus so recently its all bit a bit grim...

we had a few drinks and then it all started coming out, he started saying Its obvious that I dont wanna be here and that I think Im too good for him. He started to put some of my things in a bag and talking nonsense, in the midst of this he pushed me, so I pushed him back and slapped him. He then smacked me back right across the face, I was so shocked that I got my coat and was ready to leave.

the next day we had a long chat and he said he's so ashamed and hates himself for doing that. I know I shouldn't have got physical either but one thing just led to another and it started from the wedding. we both said we wish we could go back to how we used to be before but I never thought he would get so aggressive, we used to laugh together and be happy, I dont know if its lockdown or just me feeling depressed but I feel like I've gotten into a mess.

Im asking on here for advice-pls no judgement, I know I can come across as stuck up or looking down on his family but I'm just trying to figure out this thing called marriage...its like we have turned into 2 diff people. the physical fight last week really changed the way I think about him... there's never an excuse to get violent with each other and what if this happens again, I've heard so many stories of things like this where women die, he says he never would touch me again but doesn't everyone say that?!

ill add I know I'm not a saint, for the entire time we've been married I've been very critical, I used to call him my marshmallow because he's usually very soft and gentle. it takes a lot for him to get angry - I'm the one who's usually on 100mph whereas he's cruising.. can we ever get back to how we were or should just jump ship now?

OP posts:
Lovaduck74 · 17/02/2021 12:54

I would move back to your old house if you can and have a long hard think about what you want. You have said you have a lovely husband. Quite why how his family or their behaviour affects your relationship with him I don't quite understand. You are the one that seems to keep picking on stuff that really, in the scheme of things, don't matter. You are ruining a great relationship because you can't seem to let things go. As you don't seem to understand how your attitude and behaviour is a problem, then I suggest you need counselling for that before you go anywhere near a relationship. I feel really sorry for DH, he's not there for you to pick on. Marriage is about supporting each other and I see very little support for him from you. And not all people hate their in-laws. And if they so, I imagine they have better reasons than not giving the gifts you think they should and having dated decor!

NotMyPremium · 17/02/2021 12:56

You sound worse with every post. If this was a man talking about his wife and her family people would be screaming that she should leave him. Do your husband a favour and leave him so he can find someone who doesn't look down on him and his family. You are also emotionally abusive to him and will ruin his MH and self esteem. I actually feel quite angry as all you sre doing is defending your shitty attitude and trying to make it sound 'woe is me' HE made a mistake in marrying YOU.

Saltedhero · 17/02/2021 12:56

I actually think he sounds to good for you. If you feel like this after a few months of marriage then there's not really a lot of hope. Grow up and stop being such a spiteful greedy spoilt madam

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 17/02/2021 12:58

@NotMyPremium

You slapped him first. Lets not pretend you are worried about violence from him when you are capable of giving it out. Did you think because you are female then you get to hit a male and he cannot retaliate.

You don't sound compatible at all and you do sound like you think you are far better than him. Why should he be giving you the finer things in life? You apparently are far superior so you do them for yourself.

Either split now and just cut your losses or get some counselling about what gives you the right to look down on others, especially someone who you loved enough to marry.

Did you read the bit about he pushed her first then she pushed him back? Hmm The violence had already been started by him and then escalated. I'm sure the OP didn't help by slapping him, but let's get this straight. He started the violence.

The issues of you thinking you perhaps made a mistake in the marriage are separate, and should have been adressed separately. Looks like he let it simmer, then resorted to the violence when loosened up by alcohol.

NotMyPremium · 17/02/2021 12:59

I realised I'm angry as this could have been DPs ex posting about him. She was materialistic, abusive and vile and clearly thought she was better than him too. She also came from a culture that sounds very similar to yours. I've seen the result of this relationship and my poor DP has struggled so much. I hate her for how she's treated him and like a pp said, my DP was far too good for her and I'm so happy he finally got out.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 17/02/2021 13:04

He’s in an abusive relationship and shouldn’t consider continuing it unless you get serious professional help and acknowledge your behaviour.

Your focus on presents shows exactly where your values lie.

Have you considered that his family might think YOU are not good enough for him? That they see he is in an abusive relationship with a snob who looks down on them and who will never think anything he does is good enough? And maybe this is why they don’t want to welcome you to the family with presents. I think there is a very good chance they have a solid understanding of your behaviour, and I could live in a mansion on 5 million a year but I wouldn’t buy you a wedding present. Because I’d see you as grabby, and if I cared about your husband I wouldn’t want you to marry him.

Rosieposy89 · 17/02/2021 13:11

You honestly sound like a complete snob. Maybe his family don't like you very much and that's why they're not showering you with gifts.

Yebanksandbraes · 17/02/2021 13:25

The question is, is this really the stress of lockdown and having no control over how your marital home is decorated, getting no space to be together, etc? Or, are there much deeper issues that you will never be able to resolve? The first are probably solvable if you really want to make your marriage work. If the issues are deeper and you feel he is lower status/inferior than you then it's harder to solve and it may be better to end the marriage.

Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 17/02/2021 13:28

I feel very sorry for your poor husband.

Magnificentmug12 · 17/02/2021 13:31

It’s definitely you who is the problem here.

Women should not be hitting men either, you slapped him across the face, your an adult, control your emotions! He certainly shouldn’t have hit you either but I can see how he has.

You should leave, your not really marriage material for this guy nor him for you!

CattyCactus · 17/02/2021 13:38

he pushed me, so I pushed him back and slapped him. He then smacked me back right across the face

In terms of the physical argument, he instigated it by pushing her first. Yes, she then slapped him first, but only after he’d pushed her.

In terms of your general relationship, it’s clear there are other issues at play. Is it related to lockdown, not being able to get out and do things etc... Or do you think you are fundamentally incompatable?

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2021 13:46

For goodness sake . Here we go again with the bleating “he started it”

She escalated it into proper violence, end of

Op you lack respect for him and his family. You feel they aren’t good enough for you and you’re not being provided with the lifestyle you wish.

So either end it or accept it. Sneering, sniping and slapping ain’t gonna change it,

RUOKHon · 17/02/2021 14:02

I don’t agree that OP is being a snob. I hate parsimony. I grew up in a house where everything was shabby and we never had anything new. I swore I would never live like that as soon as I was able to make my own decisions about it.

The violence is a massive red flag that this relationship is become dangerous and abusive. I personally do not subscribe to the idea that a woman hitting a man is as bad as a man hitting a woman. Women attacking male partners is usually a last-ditch response to being controlled or coerced. OP’s DH doesn’t sound coercive but she is definitely being controlled to a certain extent. She has no control over where she lives, who she lives with, or what her environment looks like. Also, men are stronger, so it’s a false equivalence.

Coronawireless · 17/02/2021 14:05

@RUOKHon

I don’t agree that OP is being a snob. I hate parsimony. I grew up in a house where everything was shabby and we never had anything new. I swore I would never live like that as soon as I was able to make my own decisions about it.

The violence is a massive red flag that this relationship is become dangerous and abusive. I personally do not subscribe to the idea that a woman hitting a man is as bad as a man hitting a woman. Women attacking male partners is usually a last-ditch response to being controlled or coerced. OP’s DH doesn’t sound coercive but she is definitely being controlled to a certain extent. She has no control over where she lives, who she lives with, or what her environment looks like. Also, men are stronger, so it’s a false equivalence.

I agree. He may not be as “nice” as she thinks he is.
Coronawireless · 17/02/2021 14:05

She sounds utterly frustrated.
Bail out before kids arrive OP!

NotaCoolMum · 17/02/2021 14:14

@RUOKHon
“ I personally do not subscribe to the idea that a woman hitting a man is as bad as a man hitting a woman. Women attacking male partners is usually a last-ditch response to being controlled or coerced.”

Tell that to the THOUSANDS of men that are physically abused by their female partners annually. Honestly- it’s crappy attitudes like this that are the exact reason many men do not seek help.

NEITHER sex abusing the other is acceptable. This isn’t a damn contest!

Somethingkindaoooo · 17/02/2021 14:16

I think they are just a bit thick and thoughtless

Oh dear.

Op maybe 'stuff' isn't as important to them?

You don't mention a FIL? Is he on the scene?

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 17/02/2021 14:17

@Bluntness100

For goodness sake . Here we go again with the bleating “he started it”

She escalated it into proper violence, end of

Op you lack respect for him and his family. You feel they aren’t good enough for you and you’re not being provided with the lifestyle you wish.

So either end it or accept it. Sneering, sniping and slapping ain’t gonna change it,

Doesn't change the fact that OP was accused of starting it, which she says she didn't. Lets believe her, and from that starting point, it might be a fairer idea to have the facts right. And stating the facts, as we have them, isn't 'bleating'. Hmm
RUOKHon · 17/02/2021 14:18

The power imbalance is relevant here. OP has none and the DH has it all. If you want to really understand who the aggressor is, look at who has the power.

EileenGC · 17/02/2021 14:19

Here they use things until its on the last legs or dont seem to care about old things which they've had for 50 years!!

I think you have different expectations than him and his family, end of. It’s not wrong, it’s just different.

I’m on path for an over £100k salary by the age of 25. I will never stop using things until they’re on their last legs, and old things my family have owned for over 50 years wouldn’t bother me either. We were taught at home that nothing is thrown out unless it’s completely unusable. If it works, it’s used. We’re not hoarders either, because stuff doesn’t get replaced unless it’s broken. That’s how I’ll be all my life, but the opposite isn’t wrong.

You seem to care a lot about appearances, but didn’t you visit your MIL’s house before you moved there? Didn’t you realise it was so outdated? If material things are important to you, that’s fair enough. But I have to tell you, some of the most successful people I’ve met in my life, live like they’re poor. They don’t own cars, they have shabby houses, own 2 changes of clothes (not exaggerating) and have millions in the bank but probably don’t spend more than £200 a month on food and clothes combined. For them, ‘stuff’ isn’t important.

I can’t believe you didn’t discuss this kind of thing with your husband before you got married? Life expectations discussions should begin with the above, not only kids and holidays and pension dreams.

Marley20 · 17/02/2021 14:20

You're obviously not matched, you really should leave and end this one I think. There's a line and you both crossed it when you became physically violent with each other. Doesn't matter whose behaviour was worse.

whichwayisup · 17/02/2021 14:37

I just don't understand why you don't just redecorate. Why waste time putting him down about it. He doesn't see it needs done and you do. You have the means to get it done so just get on and do it. Ffs, it's not your house, of course you are going to want to change a few things. If you don't like the cutlery buy some more. I could understand if you were forced out of your job after getting married but you are still earning.

As for wedding presents, just be glad you got any at all.

You have a very negative helpless mindset, I'm surprised at this given your go-getting high standard upbringing.

Best of all though, there are no children involved so if it's all unbearable you can just call it quits. Sounds like you'll both be a lot happier.

And don't slap someone in the face unless you are prepared for a slap back.

JustAnotherOldMan · 17/02/2021 14:43

You alluded to your heritage, but I can kinda guess if you’re now living in your husband’s family house, that’s probably why everything is 30 years old.
I’m guessing you’re degree educated as well, so have had some other life experiences, whereas your new husband is probably been living at home.
The only advice I can offer, would be the same as others on here, buy your own house and move out husband or not, as he is going to be looking after his mother

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 17/02/2021 14:53

Why are you do obsessed with gifts? No one had to gift anyone anything, do they don't but gifts you don't but them.
You reckon you have a decent job so why can't you buy nice things?
Does he own his house ? Do you own a house?
You clearly want to marry someone rich , which isn't your dh

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 17/02/2021 14:58

The power imbalance is relevant here. OP has none and the DH has it all. If you want to really understand who the aggressor is, look at who has the power.

How does she have no power?