Ridiculous, intense crush on much younger auto mechanic

[lovesplantsnanimals]

I'll preface this by giving a bit of background: I'm a single, never been married 44 year old woman who's been out of the dating scene for 9 years. (by choice, got tired of the online scene, and relationships that didn't work). I've been going to a family owned auto shop for about two years now, and there's this 28 year old man who's just so personable, friendly, sweet, and whom I enjoy talking to whenever I have repairs done on my car. I appreciate the quality of work that his shop does, and will take in bagels, donuts, or something for everyone to munch on to show my appreciation. Feel this intense attraction toward him, but as far as I know , he has a girlfriend or may be living with someone. Today was the day before Valentine's Day, and it was the first saturday (when I had to go in for a repair to get done) that he wasn't there. I remember feeling really crestfallen, and down after leaving, because I assumed he stayed home to be with his girlfriend. I know I have no chance, because I'm much older than him, besides who knows if he even is attracted/interested. Even though I take good care of myself/really watch what I eat/exercise regularly/have laser treatments done to address uneven pigmentation/have a good skincare routine/use an at home microcurrent device to address skin elasticity. I can't remember feeling this level of attraction toward someone, even when I was dating 9 years ago. What is going on? I try to stem the feelings by reminding myself in some cultures, I'm old enough to be his mother, or at least his aunt.

@rawalpindithelabrador

Completely agree with gaijinetal.

Personally I'd never date a younger man who hadn't had kids if I were past the age of childbearing, and getting pregnant at 44 is far from a given. Think there's something predatory about that, tbh. You know there's potential for the guy to get hurt if he decides later he wants kids.

Really think it's kind of shit thing to do to someone.

Enough with the 'man as victim of a predatory woman' nonsense please! Many older women who end up with younger men do so very much at the man's instigation. Men are not helpless innocents ensnared by wicked old women. It's just another misogynist myth. And if he leaves her because he wants kids (after knowingly entering a relationship where he won't) he's the one you're worried about being hurt?

Even if he's attracted to you and you look younger, in another 10 years there will be a marked difference. It's a crush. Don't worry about it and start dating again. There are lovely men your age out there. I am slightly older and I'm dating the most wonderful man my age. Taken me half a century to find him.

@Masterpieceontheshelf

Op please give dating (not the mechanic!) another go. If you are 44 and haven't dated from 9 years and only started dating when your were 30 then you haven't given it a good enough shot. I'm in the UK - whereas you are in the USA? And I imagine it could be just as grim dating over there as it is over here, but I'm mid-forties and have started OLD. I've messaged loads and loads of guys, but only met up with 5. 1 is now and very nice FB, one is a friend (we weren't sexually compatible otherwise I could have ended up with 2 FBs ) and the other 3 were fine, just no chemistry/connection. All in all not terrible, I've also never had a dick pic. It's disappointing when a good looking guy doesn't 'match' with you, and I've had to adjust my expectations - I guess it's unlikely I will find someone that is marriage material (but as a divorcee I'm not unhappy about that) it's most just boring having to message randoms and try and give a shit when you know you probably won't meet up, but hey, it's lockdown, not much else to do!

Glad to hear that you've had some success in the dating scene, and kudos to you for getting out there again. At least you can say you did the whole marriage thing, even if it didn't work out the way you wanted.

Well, I'm here in southern California, near Los Angeles. I thought the grimness of the dating scene was due to southern California (people seem more focused on appearance, etc), but I guess not. .Given my reaction to this man, I wonder if I want to try dating again. My plan was to move to an area where I can afford to own a house/place of my own (hence the plan to move out of state when a job opportunity comes up), get a pet, and just be active with Meetup events.

@gaijinetal

"Nope.

Youngest I've ever gone is 3 years younger and I'm married to him."

Weren't you dating an African man in January, who wanted you to have his baby so he could get a UK visa?

Confused; Casual bf wants to have a baby with me http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4148593-Confused-Casual-bf-wants-to-have-a-baby-with-me

So you got married kind of quick

@gaijinetal

And I'm not remotely exercised () or het up.

Just frustrated at the disingenuous "look at all the happy, wonderful relationships between men and women decades older than them" stuff - are they the majority, are they the rule or the exception to it?

We don't tell other op's they'll be the exception to the rule, so why would we tell this one. Not even getting onto the fact the guy hasn't shown any interest that op's told us of, and is probably not even single.

If he was single and interested in anything with her (from fling to ltr) she wouldn't have to do much, other than be receptive.

Op, you haven't given dating.atiund your own age the time it would take. There's a lot of trash sifting to be done.

You're absolutely right that happy ltr with huge age gaps are the exception. I also agree with you that the OP would need to be realistic about her chances with this man, because he hasn't shown any interest and is possibly not even single. Where I disagree is in the extrapolation of your experiences of some men to all. I know very well that the sort of men you describe exist, cocksure, arrogant, they're fairly easy to spot. But equally there are others who are not like this, and it's not fair to suggest all women will be demeaned and made a joke of by all younger men, when this is patently untrue.

[quote ginandwineandbaileys]@gaijinetal

"Nope.

Youngest I've ever gone is 3 years younger and I'm married to him."

Weren't you dating an African man in January, who wanted you to have his baby so he could get a UK visa?

Confused; Casual bf wants to have a baby with me [[http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4148593-Confused-Casual-bf-wants-to-have-a-baby-with-me]]

So you got married kind of quick [/quote]
It was for my niece, she's TEFL teaching in Asia. I wanted responses to be direct so she'd see what people had to say clearly/without me as middle person.

Did you remember the username or do you look up posters other posts as a hobby and try to catch them out.

Only if I think they're chatting shit

Where I disagree is in the extrapolation of your experiences of some men to all.
I know very well that the sort of men you describe exist, cocksure, arrogant, they're fairly easy to spot. But equally there are others who are not like this, and it's not fair to suggest all women will be demeaned and made a joke of by all younger men, when this is patently untrue.

I get your point, but I still maintain that women need to have a great deal of caution and scepticism with young men who are open to involvement with women who are near their mum's age - it's unusual and there is a type - fuelled by porn, milf, gilf, cougar etc culture, alongside hookup culture ... That does it and it's not a type you want to be involved with. I don't agree that the men that fall under that type are easy to spot .. just like women on here regularly say that they never thought their settled, apparent good guy, quiet partners would be the type to cheat etc.

@ginandwineandbaileys

Only if I think they're chatting shit

I don't bother looking posters up even when I think they're chatting shit - waste of time. Like you've just demonstrated.

Good try though, better luck next time.

Sine people look up posters and all their posts when they want to get a full picture to help them.

You look them up cause you think they're "chatting shit" and then try to catch them out.

Says a lot about what kind of poster and person you are.

@gaijinetal I agree with you. I never bother either and I'm always surprised at the number of posters who are so desperate to catch others out? Why bother with that??

@gaijinetal you really do seem obsessed with people dating outside of their own age.
People like who they like, I don't think anyone should waste their time and energy trying to stop other people making choices.
We get it. You don't like it
Ok

And all these men you keep talking g about, that pick up older women just to use them for sex and then dump and disparage them. I've never seen those posts on MN or anywhere else. I've seen them referred to, and the original posts are always on incel forums

[quote Mittens030869]@gaijinetal I agree with you. I never bother either and I'm always surprised at the number of posters who are so desperate to catch others out? Why bother with that??[/quote]
A reflection of what type of person they are i guess.

@ginandwineandbaileys

And all these men you keep talking g about, that pick up older women just to use them for sex and then dump and disparage them. I've never seen those posts on MN or anywhere else. I've seen them referred to, and the original posts are always on incel forums

Back on topic ..Op for many reasons, I'd leave this where it is - as a hopefully relatively painless crush.

Maybe it is an indication you would like to start dating again, it's sounds like you haven't for a long time.

It's a cliché but it is a numbers game. And you only need one. Some people approach of like it's just getting out, meeting new people, maybe trying new things and if things develop naturally into a potential relationship, that's ideal (different from getting Invested and hopeful every time you date someone).

Your plan sounds like a good one.

I'd also try plenty of coed hobbies & sports - in saying that my female acquaintance did a male dominated sport for years, didn't meet anyone .. and then met her partner at a female dominated one through his female relative who actually asked her if she was single and if she'd like to meet her widowed uncle.

Everything you do to meet new people and expand your acquaintance and social scene is a plus.

Sorry I accidentally quoted the post by ginetc there instead of you, op.

@gaijinetal

*Where I disagree is in the extrapolation of your experiences of some men to all. I know very well that the sort of men you describe exist, cocksure, arrogant, they're fairly easy to spot. But equally there are others who are not like this, and it's not fair to suggest all women will be demeaned and made a joke of by all younger men, when this is patently untrue.*

I get your point, but I still maintain that women need to have a great deal of caution and scepticism with young men who are open to involvement with women who are near their mum's age - it's unusual and there is a type - fuelled by porn, milf, gilf, cougar etc culture, alongside hookup culture ... That does it and it's not a type you want to be involved with. I don't agree that the men that fall under that type are easy to spot .. just like women on here regularly say that they never thought their settled, apparent good guy, quiet partners would be the type to cheat etc.

I don't disagree with you. I have come across some truly awful men in my (long!) life. Including the middle aged ones who wouldnt look at older women as they think they are entitled to a young one. Erring on the side of caution is a good idea for a woman, whatever her age. But it would be sad if women thought their age automatically barred them from certain relationships. I agree with your advice to the OP to get out there. Meeting people in an environment where the primary purpose isn't to find a partner allows things to develop more slowly, and to get a better idea of what sort of person a man is.

I would seriously think of changing your car. Sounds far too unreliable lol.

Seriously you sound infatuated which is not a good place to be.

There are some truly awful men and women of all ages but far more nice ones and a few absolute gems.
But one thing is certain.... age has absolutely nothing to do with which category they will fall into so vilification of young men on this thread is laughable really.

As PP says .... co-ed hobbies and sports are good meeting places. And proof of my point above. So very many men in their 20s who are truly lovely people and yes, some of them have relationships with somewhat older women.

@GentlemanJay

I would seriously think of changing your car. Sounds far too unreliable lol.

Seriously you sound infatuated which is not a good place to be.

Infatuated with someone who actually is just treating me decently , as part of his job, or to have a good customer service manner. Which is why I've stopped going there, and already found another auto repair shop. Yes, this is also why I stopped dating, too. . didn't pick the right men who treated me decently. Well, planning to move out of state, as soon as a job becomes available, so really don't want a car payment. Kind to say on both ends, I know

Oops, meant to say kind of sad to say on both ends, I know.

Just go for it I say! Live a little if he knocks you back, then move garages and move on!

Hasn't anyone read an age gap romance, it's a very popular trope.