Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ridiculous, intense crush on much younger auto mechanic

148 replies

lovesplantsnanimals · 14/02/2021 06:12

I'll preface this by giving a bit of background: I'm a single, never been married 44 year old woman who's been out of the dating scene for 9 years. (by choice, got tired of the online scene, and relationships that didn't work). I've been going to a family owned auto shop for about two years now, and there's this 28 year old man who's just so personable, friendly, sweet, and whom I enjoy talking to whenever I have repairs done on my car. I appreciate the quality of work that his shop does, and will take in bagels, donuts, or something for everyone to munch on to show my appreciation. Feel this intense attraction toward him, but as far as I know , he has a girlfriend or may be living with someone. Today was the day before Valentine's Day, and it was the first saturday (when I had to go in for a repair to get done) that he wasn't there. I remember feeling really crestfallen, and down after leaving, because I assumed he stayed home to be with his girlfriend. I know I have no chance, because I'm much older than him, besides who knows if he even is attracted/interested. Even though I take good care of myself/really watch what I eat/exercise regularly/have laser treatments done to address uneven pigmentation/have a good skincare routine/use an at home microcurrent device to address skin elasticity. I can't remember feeling this level of attraction toward someone, even when I was dating 9 years ago. What is going on? I try to stem the feelings by reminding myself in some cultures, I'm old enough to be his mother, or at least his aunt.

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 14/02/2021 16:42

Please don't ask him out and stop with the gifts. You are 44, I doubt he would ever wan't to be in a relationship with you, maybe a one nighter, but still.

Continue at the garage but forget about him.

Original poster
lovesplantsnanimals · 14/02/2021 19:35

Yes, you're right about it being tough for me to open up to people. . I thought I was ok with being single for the rest of my life, because I was burned out on dating. . kept picking the wrong men. Believe me, even if he was single, and interested, I would never embarrass myself by asking him out. I hate and try to avoid embarrassing situations, which is why I'm in the process of checking out other garages/mechanics .

Problem is, most men around my age are already married, and superficial as it sounds, I'm not attracted to men who are significantly older than me, and I don't see that changing. Probably why am bordering obsessive on the anti aging routine.

For the poster whose mom went out with the much younger man, she was braver than I would be. Even at a younger age, I had crushes on those younger than me. (freshmen in college when I was a junior in college). But was insecure about the age difference. Have always been insecure/low self esteem, so that's why it's best I'm not in a relationship.

OP posts:
SooMoony · 15/02/2021 08:45

Join a dating site and start looking for a man of a similar age to you. The distraction will take your mind off the sexy car mechanic.

RoseAndRose · 15/02/2021 08:49

Don't watch Classic Corrie at the moment!

The Natalie/Kev storyline is active

Greendoonan · 15/02/2021 09:00

I know a couple with a 13 year age gap who got married when he was 28 and she was 41. But I wouldn’t say it’s a common thing for a man in his 20s to marry a woman in her 40s, mostly because she’s too old to have kids. This couple adopted but I guess most men would want their own kids. OP in your shoes I’d avoid the guy and look for a man who’s 40+.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/02/2021 09:48

@Greendoonan

I know a couple with a 13 year age gap who got married when he was 28 and she was 41. But I wouldn’t say it’s a common thing for a man in his 20s to marry a woman in her 40s, mostly because she’s too old to have kids. This couple adopted but I guess most men would want their own kids. OP in your shoes I’d avoid the guy and look for a man who’s 40+.
I'm adopted and I am my parents "own" kid. I'm sure they love their children just as much as if they were their biological parents. I know you didn't mean anything by it but it would be great if people could just be conscious of the power of their words around topics like adoption. See also when people use the phrase "real parents" - also implying a 'lesser than' status around children who are adopted. Sorry to derail but as I say language around adoption is really important Smile
mavisandclaude · 15/02/2021 10:00

I agree @youvegottenminuteslynn

mavisandclaude · 15/02/2021 10:02

& fwiw I would carry on enjoying that crush without acting on it. I had a crush on a younger personal trainer and it was just a nice distraction. Never intended to make a move.

gutful · 15/02/2021 10:09

women get upset at blokes for liking women 20+ years younger, but the older I get the more men my age seem so old & only lust for much younger men 15+ years my junior.

Keep it as a crush in your head. Reality is not going to be as kind as your crush.

ginandwineandbaileys · 15/02/2021 16:21

I agree, find someone nearer your own age. You'd get so bored of the mechanic.

Barrantsvidal · 16/02/2021 10:15

I really feel for you, crushes are wonderful and awful all at once.
It will pass and is maybe more a sign that you want some company and romance in your life, nothing wrong with that.

You also seem a little worried about ageing. I get that too, but it's better than the alternative. You can't stop it, but make sure you have a sparkle in your eyes and moisturise like it's going out of fashion. Always helps!

I hope you find someone lovely, regardless of his age (my DP is 16 years younger than me). Someone funny, kind, generous and who really gets you. (No harm if he's easy on the eyes too Grin )

thecatisaliveandwell · 16/02/2021 17:32

Crushes can be tremendous fun...a bit of fantasy did no one any harm.

I am currently enjoying a crush on a man I 'met' through a shared interest MB. I even checked him out on FB (oh, the shame). He's been married for 45 years, has a nice sweet looking wife whom he obviously loves very dearly, and grandchildren. Grows spectacular lilies, too.

However, when looking at his posts and shares, it has become very clear that he is very much a Brexiteer, patriot, and very anti immigration. Now I sit in the centre politically, perhaps veering slightly to the right on occasions, but he'd give Priti Patel a run for her money! Some of the stuff he shares is really awful...straying into EDL/BNP territory.

So I create a whole new narrative around him, because it's a crush and I can do whatever I like because no one will know and I could never ever be in a relationship with someone like that.

It's worth remembering OP, that he's probably best as crush material. The reality could be a massive let down.

Oh, and consider a more reliable car!

Pokske · 16/02/2021 17:37

Wow, most people on here are so agist !
I'd enquire about his situation, and in case he's single go for it. If it doesn't work out buy another car and change garages.
Good luck !!!

thecatisaliveandwell · 16/02/2021 17:48

OP, I am intrigued now as to what you may do next. Please keep us informed!

Original poster
lovesplantsnanimals · 18/02/2021 08:49

@Barrantsvidal

I really feel for you, crushes are wonderful and awful all at once. It will pass and is maybe more a sign that you want some company and romance in your life, nothing wrong with that.

You also seem a little worried about ageing. I get that too, but it's better than the alternative. You can't stop it, but make sure you have a sparkle in your eyes and moisturise like it's going out of fashion. Always helps!

I hope you find someone lovely, regardless of his age (my DP is 16 years younger than me). Someone funny, kind, generous and who really gets you. (No harm if he's easy on the eyes too Grin )

Good for you that you found someone. .who gets you. I know I come across as worried about aging, but it's because I work with a lot of younger people 30 and below, so don't want to appear older than I have to.

The auto shop manager (he works on cars as well, but it's his Dad's shop, and he manages it) is easy on the eyes, but became more attractive the more I talked to him. .it's how he comes across, his personality, etc.

I already made the decision to stop going there, as I feel the crush would be best just in my head, and reality wouldn't be as kind, etc as someone stated. My bringing treats, etc, started out as sincerely expressing my appreciation for the shop's quality of work, and then I developed a crush on him later. So it didn't start out as a crush is what I'm trying to say. .

OP posts:
gaijinetal · 18/02/2021 10:11

@Pokske

Wow, most people on here are so agist ! I'd enquire about his situation, and in case he's single go for it. If it doesn't work out buy another car and change garages. Good luck !!!
as far as I know , he has a girlfriend or may be living with someone.

Op is already fairly sure he has a girlfriend - and it's highly likely an attractive, personable young man would!

Stop encouraging op to embarrass herself, and him.

Ageist - I'm not ageist, but I'm not naive that many many people are - especially men.
There might be outliers who will date significantly older women than them, bit most simply will not!

There's a contingent, usually found trawling dating and sex sites, who will "date" or shag older women for the cougar experience but that's all it is. And if you see them talking about it on male dominated forums, it's really horrible how derogatory they are to the "cougers" they date. Like they consider them desperate and easy, and joke about how it's great that you don't have to worry about knocking them up and can have condom free sex).

Even if this guy were single, and were open to dating a woman 16 years older than him; most relationships like that hit the "I want kids of my own sometime and she can't have them" and go down the pan sooner or later, with him moving on quickly with a woman closer to his age and having kids.

It's not fair or reasonable to encourage op in this.

If she'd like a partner she should continue to search around her age range, with the caveat that there'll be lots of "frogs".

gaijinetal · 18/02/2021 10:13

Oh and of this was a mid 40s bloke, we'd tell him to not be a creep and leave a young woman who apparently has a bf and whose only "crime" is to be friendly and pleasant to him in her job alone.

GreenlandTheMovie · 18/02/2021 13:07

I went out with a man 12 years younger that I met in a sports shop! Plenty of men in their twenties are interested in women in their forties, women who do online dating generally avoid them! I know of one couple with a 9 year age gap with the woman older getting married soon. What strange viewpoints - this isn't exactly rare. Anyone can strike up a conversation with anyone which may or may not lead to romance. Doesn't have to indicate you are harassing someone.

5128gap · 18/02/2021 16:57

Firstly, his age is not an issue. The world is full of younger men who love attractive older women, and there is as much chance he is one of them as not.
There is also nothing whatsoever to be embarrassed about in being attracted to another adult who is just not the same age as you. Its an obsession on MN to judge such things for some reason.
That said, you think this one has a GF and you have picked up no signs he's interested, so for these reasons, i would avoid him until the crush passes.

ChippyPickledEggs · 18/02/2021 18:18

Why is finding someone attractive embarrassing? Why should he be embarrassed at someone finding him attractive?

It's very British this isn't it. Fancying someone? Ooooh how shameful. Yep he's a fair bit younger and that sort of age gap isn't for everyone. But lots of young blokes do like older women and he's 28, not 18.

gaijinetal · 18/02/2021 20:31

I know of one couple with a 9 year age gap with the woman older getting married soon.

Op isn't 9 years older than this young man - she could, as she pointed out, be his mother if she's had children quite young.

5128gap · 18/02/2021 20:35

@gaijinetal

I know of one couple with a 9 year age gap with the woman older getting married soon.

Op isn't 9 years older than this young man - she could, as she pointed out, be his mother if she's had children quite young.

But she's not his mother, so I don't see the point being made?
gaijinetal · 18/02/2021 20:36

The world is full of younger men who love attractive older women

When will they add an eye rolling emoji here.

If by love you mean - would shag, possibly.

If by love, you mean "have a meaningful long-term relationship with and family with, if possible" .... No.

Most do not do the latter with significantly older women, and by that I mean (at a push) over ten years older.

This board is chock full of women doing old complaining about how men won't consider women older than them.(or even the same age as them). There are young men who'll date older but rarely for a serious ltr.

And as I said ; you don't want to read what some of them say about it on male dominated forums; you wouldn't be able to unsee it. It's not pretty.

gaijinetal · 18/02/2021 20:37

But she's not his mother, so I don't see the point being made?

That she's a lot more than 9 years older - so that poster's example if an apparently successful couple with the woman 9 yrs older is not terribly relevant.

Not sure why that needed explained.

GreenlandTheMovie · 18/02/2021 20:39

@gaijinetal

I know of one couple with a 9 year age gap with the woman older getting married soon.

Op isn't 9 years older than this young man - she could, as she pointed out, be his mother if she's had children quite young.

The point was actually that the 9 years younger man in question is extremely good looking and a very good athlete, and the woman isn't an athlete at all but the differences between them are of no significance to them whatsoever.

The bigger point is that relationships are comprised of people who are often very, very different to one another, age being the least of it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread