Ridiculous, intense crush on much younger auto mechanic

[lovesplantsnanimals]

I'll preface this by giving a bit of background: I'm a single, never been married 44 year old woman who's been out of the dating scene for 9 years. (by choice, got tired of the online scene, and relationships that didn't work). I've been going to a family owned auto shop for about two years now, and there's this 28 year old man who's just so personable, friendly, sweet, and whom I enjoy talking to whenever I have repairs done on my car. I appreciate the quality of work that his shop does, and will take in bagels, donuts, or something for everyone to munch on to show my appreciation. Feel this intense attraction toward him, but as far as I know , he has a girlfriend or may be living with someone. Today was the day before Valentine's Day, and it was the first saturday (when I had to go in for a repair to get done) that he wasn't there. I remember feeling really crestfallen, and down after leaving, because I assumed he stayed home to be with his girlfriend. I know I have no chance, because I'm much older than him, besides who knows if he even is attracted/interested. Even though I take good care of myself/really watch what I eat/exercise regularly/have laser treatments done to address uneven pigmentation/have a good skincare routine/use an at home microcurrent device to address skin elasticity. I can't remember feeling this level of attraction toward someone, even when I was dating 9 years ago. What is going on? I try to stem the feelings by reminding myself in some cultures, I'm old enough to be his mother, or at least his aunt.

But the point is it isn't reserved just for older women - this is their approach to sex and relationships in general.

Had an idea you'd come back with this and you did.

The majority of young men, who date etc women around their age, are generally not as sex-oriented, opportunistic, "any hole is a goal", indiscriminate, and misogynist as the minority of young men who seek out sex from any source possible (including women a generation older).

So if you get involved with that minority, you are making it far more likely you'll subject yourself to an "any hole is a goal", misogynist type.

And I noticed an especially disgusting derision towards the significantly older women they had had sex with or were having sex with, compared to their generally poor attitude.

If you want to go ahead with a significantly younger man who probably makes a habit of having sex with women a lot older; knowing there's a more distinct possibly that you're being derided and laughed at for your age, body, fertility, relationship choices etc. on top of any general misogyny, then by all means ....

A young man who rarely has sex with significantly older women is of course more unlikely to be like that; but most if the time how would you for certain.

They're not upfront about that or their underlying attitudes, for obvious reasons.

This type usually put 18 - 80 as their age range in their dating profiles.

Very discriminate eh.

Not more likely to be opportunistic and cavalier at all.

This is obviously a debate that has defeated out from op's situation as a result of the "loads of young men love older women!!" brigade.

Back on op's situation; the young man is very likely not that type; because (on top of apparently not even bring single) he has not come onto op or given any sign he's not just being friendly and personable in his job.

*Greendoonan
I know a couple with a 13 year age gap who got married when he was 28 and she was 41. But I wouldn’t say it’s a common thing for a man in his 20s to marry a woman in her 40s, mostly because she’s too old to have kids. This couple adopted but I guess most men would want their own kids. OP in your shoes I’d avoid the guy and look for a man who’s 40+.*

Not true. Thankfully for me, my DH didn't feel that way, seeing as I'm infertile. We've adopted our two DDs (11 and 8) and my DH couldn't possibly have loved them more if they were his biologically.

Please be careful about what assumptions you make. Adopted kids are your own kids.

And I noticed an especially disgusting derision towards the significantly older women they had had sex with or were having sex with, compared to their generally poor attitude.

But who cares what inadequate little misogynists think? Honestly, who cares??? If they want to have sex with people that disgust them and then write awful things on a forum about it, then they are just sad, unethical people who will never know the passion and joy of connecting sexually with someone they truly love and respect. And that's on them. Happy people don't behave and think like that.

Why on earth would I base my choices on how someone like that may judge me? And why should any other woman?

gaijinetal - have you had an unpleasant experience with a younger man? You really seem quite exercised and unusually het up about this subject.

Some vile misogynists think women belong in the home caring for children and shouldn't be in the workplace.

Some vile misogynists think women who have had more than a small handful of sexual partners are "easy" and "slags."

Some vile misogynists think women have no right to say no to sex with their husbands.

So on that basis we should all be stay at home mothers who save ourselves for marriage and obey our husbands at all times??? No. Because we don't live our lives according to what vile misogynists think.

Be kind to yourself and see it as a crush.
Maybe this is your body having an awakening that you're ready to date again?

It's pretty normal to have crushes

Tbf if someone was bringing me doughnuts id be friendly too.I wouldn't read too much into it

@ChippyPickledEggs

And I noticed an especially disgusting derision towards the significantly older women they had had sex with or were having sex with, compared to their generally poor attitude.

But who cares what inadequate little misogynists think? Honestly, who cares??? If they want to have sex with people that disgust them and then write awful things on a forum about it, then they are just sad, unethical people who will never know the passion and joy of connecting sexually with someone they truly love and respect. And that's on them. Happy people don't behave and think like that.

Why on earth would I base my choices on how someone like that may judge me? And why should any other woman?

I would've imagined you'd prefer to avoid men like that.

Posters on here spouting "loads of young men love older women!", With no acknowledgement of porn-y, milf, golf, couger, often quite derogatory culture among young men, are being at best naive and at worse delusional (or disingenuous).

At least if you acknowledge something and employ some scepticism, you could avoid them (though as I said, in my experience, young men who will have sex with significantly older women are majority "any hole is a goal" types).

That'd be gilf, not golf lol

@AprilThe8th

Tbf if someone was bringing me doughnuts id be friendly too.I wouldn't read too much into it

😂

@ChippyPickledEggs

Some vile misogynists think women belong in the home caring for children and shouldn't be in the workplace.

Some vile misogynists think women who have had more than a small handful of sexual partners are "easy" and "slags."

Some vile misogynists think women have no right to say no to sex with their husbands.

So on that basis we should all be stay at home mothers who save ourselves for marriage and obey our husbands at all times??? No. Because we don't live our lives according to what vile misogynists think.

Yes but we do try to be aware of those attitudes and avoid men like that - we don't advise women to barrel on in, based on unrealistic optimism/expectations.

@Eastie77

gaijinetal - have you had an unpleasant experience with a younger man? You really seem quite exercised and unusually het up about this subject.

Every thread .. "you say women should be sceptical about separated and divorced men with large families of small kids and take why they say their relationship with the mother broke down with a lunch of salt ... You're obviously projecting and have had a v bad experience with a separated man gaijinetal".

Nope.

"You're telling women who say lots of young men in their twenties love forty something women and op should pursue a 20 something guy she doesn't even think is single (or know is interested); that there aren't really piles of twenty something guys who happily get involved with women nearly twenty years older and the ones who do may be sex seekers with a shitty underlying attitude ...
You've obviously had s bad experience with a younger man and are projecting" ..

Nope.

Youngest I've ever gone is 3 years younger and I'm married to him.

And I'm not remotely exercised () or het up.

Just frustrated at the disingenuous "look at all the happy, wonderful relationships between men and women decades older than them" stuff - are they the majority, are they the rule or the exception to it?

We don't tell other op's they'll be the exception to the rule, so why would we tell this one. Not even getting onto the fact the guy hasn't shown any interest that op's told us of, and is probably not even single.

If he was single and interested in anything with her (from fling to ltr) she wouldn't have to do much, other than be receptive.

Op, you haven't given dating.atiund your own age the time it would take. There's a lot of trash sifting to be done.

Completely agree with gaijinetal.

Personally I'd never date a younger man who hadn't had kids if I were past the age of childbearing, and getting pregnant at 44 is far from a given. Think there's something predatory about that, tbh. You know there's potential for the guy to get hurt if he decides later he wants kids.

Really think it's kind of shit thing to do to someone.

This thread has brought out some questionable opinions.
People like who they like, I don't stop to think of age if I like someone. I don't ask men their ages if I'm interested in them. I've been flirted with by men much younger than me, I respond if I think they look over 35, which is still a 15 years younger than me.
I know lots of single women my age who do. My ex was 8 years younger than me, not a significant difference but he is now married to a woman 13 years older than him.
We're not all frail little things, and quite capable of getting over someone.
Also the only man who tried to discredit me, was a couple of years older than me. Now he really was a selfish misogynistic turd. The men I've had the worst reactions from, are older men that I've rejected.
I have an ongoing flirtation at the moment, with someone I who is a little younger than me, the only reason I'm not actively pursuing , is because of lockdown, I've only met him for walks. He keeps asking me to go on walks though, nothing more. I'm sure if he was a vile abusive man, there would be red flags, as there would with a man of any age.
As for children, well, I never go into any relationship thinking that far ahead

It's as if you can only make dating decisions based on two extremes - ONS/quick fling or ltr. What ever happened to just seeing how things go. Ask someone out if you like them, continue to see them if you still like them, fuck them if you want. It's just sex.

gaijinetal ok. Well I only wondered as you seem quite..angry. I'm sure the older women who are ensnared by these young predators for whom "any hole is a goal" can look after themselves. They are mature women after all, not naive 16 year olds. Chill.

Right. Who in the end has had the last laugh? Some idiot bloke has had sex with someone he doesn't even find attractive, and who apparently disgusts him. The woman has had sex with a young, fit bloke and feels a million dollars. A confident woman comes out of this the winner IMO. Who cares what these men think?

@Eastie77

gaijinetal ok. Well I only wondered as you seem quite..angry. I'm sure the older women who are ensnared by these young predators for whom "any hole is a goal" can look after themselves. They are mature women after all, not naive 16 year olds. Chill.

I've seen posts on here that suggest they can't; they were naive about the motivations of significantly younger men "dating" them through old, and ended up disappointed, hurt etc. One was dumped/ghosted and when she challenged the his about his behaviour he snapped back with various things including "what do you expect when you shag men young enough to be your son"!

Of course you'll want to believe he's the minority or exception but he's not in my observation & experience. And there's a definite naivety/delusion on this subject.

Oh and don't tell people to chill, it's incredibly patronising and makes you seem really irritating.

@ChippyPickledEggs

Right. Who in the end has had the last laugh? Some idiot bloke has had sex with someone he doesn't even find attractive, and who apparently disgusts him. The woman has had sex with a young, fit bloke and feels a million dollars. A confident woman comes out of this the winner IMO. Who cares what these men think?

Buf she doesn't feel like a million dollars when he betrays his real underlying attitude, like the example above (and they're usually the ones who dump and move on from Fwb too).

You seem really determined to stage this as empowerment, but is it really?

@ChippyPickledEggs

I'm the same age as you, OP. I recently started a new job in a mixed age/sex environment. I've had a fair few younger men make their interest very clear (one in his early twenties!). No, I'm not kidding myself that they want anything more than sex/a fling, but so what? I'm not embarrassed and I don't expect them to be either. We're all adults, just do what you like.

(no I'm not shagging all my younger male colleagues before gaijinetal busts a blood vessel about what they might all be writing about me on male dominated forums. I just get on with my work.) But the point remains. Men enjoy attractive women. And some men care less about how old they are.

Congrats on the new job, can be exciting/fun at first. It kind of is flattering to have a younger man make his interest known. . especially when you find them attractive, as well. But yes, when that happens, I remind myself that they want little more than that. . and that's not all I'm looking for.