Ridiculous, intense crush on much younger auto mechanic

[lovesplantsnanimals]

I'll preface this by giving a bit of background: I'm a single, never been married 44 year old woman who's been out of the dating scene for 9 years. (by choice, got tired of the online scene, and relationships that didn't work). I've been going to a family owned auto shop for about two years now, and there's this 28 year old man who's just so personable, friendly, sweet, and whom I enjoy talking to whenever I have repairs done on my car. I appreciate the quality of work that his shop does, and will take in bagels, donuts, or something for everyone to munch on to show my appreciation. Feel this intense attraction toward him, but as far as I know , he has a girlfriend or may be living with someone. Today was the day before Valentine's Day, and it was the first saturday (when I had to go in for a repair to get done) that he wasn't there. I remember feeling really crestfallen, and down after leaving, because I assumed he stayed home to be with his girlfriend. I know I have no chance, because I'm much older than him, besides who knows if he even is attracted/interested. Even though I take good care of myself/really watch what I eat/exercise regularly/have laser treatments done to address uneven pigmentation/have a good skincare routine/use an at home microcurrent device to address skin elasticity. I can't remember feeling this level of attraction toward someone, even when I was dating 9 years ago. What is going on? I try to stem the feelings by reminding myself in some cultures, I'm old enough to be his mother, or at least his aunt.

@PamelaCake

Oh god are you one of those limerence people? If so, and this is real, seriously, stop stalking him. Buy a newer car

Have no idea what you're talking about about "limerence"?! Stalking him?!I think someone really needs a reading lesson. I only go by when something on my car needs repair. Uh, I'm seriously considering moving out of state, so keeping my expenses down and buying a newer car is not an option at this point.

@ChippyPickledEggs

gaijinetal you don't want to read what some of them say about it on male dominated forums; you wouldn't be able to unsee it. It's not pretty.

What men say about women of any age on these sorts of forums is not pretty. This is because these forums are populated by misogynists who don't like women. They're not saying hateful things about older women but treating all other women as equals and peers worthy of respect

Why would any woman choose to live her life based on what hateful, inadequate little misogynists think? Who cares what men on these forums say? If we believed all men thought like that we'd all be celibate forever wouldn't we?

And what does it matter if this guy would only be interested in a fling? Perhaps the OP would like that too.

I thought I was done with dating, but given my reaction to this younger man, I don't know. It's been so long (going on 9 years) that I'm not sure what I would like at this point. I don't think I'm one of those women that are meant to be with someone long term (self esteem issues, tendency to pick men that are wrong for me), so I'm not sure. And ugh. . hope that my reaction to this younger man isn't a case of hormones, related to perimenopause. Don't want another reminder of my age. :(

I'm the same age as you, OP. I recently started a new job in a mixed age/sex environment. I've had a fair few younger men make their interest very clear (one in his early twenties!). No, I'm not kidding myself that they want anything more than sex/a fling, but so what? I'm not embarrassed and I don't expect them to be either. We're all adults, just do what you like.

(no I'm not shagging all my younger male colleagues before gaijinetal busts a blood vessel about what they might all be writing about me on male dominated forums. I just get on with my work.) But the point remains. Men enjoy attractive women. And some men care less about how old they are.

Op please give dating (not the mechanic!) another go.
If you are 44 and haven't dated from 9 years and only started dating when your were 30 then you haven't given it a good enough shot.
I'm in the UK - whereas you are in the USA? And I imagine it could be just as grim dating over there as it is over here, but I'm mid-forties and have started OLD. I've messaged loads and loads of guys, but only met up with 5.
1 is now and very nice FB, one is a friend (we weren't sexually compatible otherwise I could have ended up with 2 FBs ) and the other 3 were fine, just no chemistry/connection.
All in all not terrible, I've also never had a dick pic.
It's disappointing when a good looking guy doesn't 'match' with you, and I've had to adjust my expectations - I guess it's unlikely I will find someone that is marriage material (but as a divorcee I'm not unhappy about that) it's most just boring having to message randoms and try and give a shit when you know you probably won't meet up, but hey, it's lockdown, not much else to do!

As to the 'if the genders were reversed' argument - this never works because sexism and power.

Surely getting to know a much younger work colleague, who you see most working days and becomes single during this period, bears no relation to visiting a garage occasionally where the charming, attractive mechanic, about whom you know very little catches your eye?

In one case you get to know them, at least as a work colleague, and find out about their personality, background, relationship status etc. In the other, you simply fancy them, based on appearance and maybe a smile.

This thread isn't about advising all older women to avoid a relationship with any younger man - they are advising OP about the mechanic at her garage. These other situations don't relate to that.

@justanotherneighinparadise

I want to know what micro current device you use to maintain skin elasticity 🤭. I’m in the market for one!

@justanotherneighinparadise

ME TOO! 🤣

@ChippyPickledEggs

gaijinetal you don't want to read what some of them say about it on male dominated forums; you wouldn't be able to unsee it. It's not pretty.

What men say about women of any age on these sorts of forums is not pretty. This is because these forums are populated by misogynists who don't like women. They're not saying hateful things about older women but treating all other women as equals and peers worthy of respect

Why would any woman choose to live her life based on what hateful, inadequate little misogynists think? Who cares what men on these forums say? If we believed all men thought like that we'd all be celibate forever wouldn't we?

And what does it matter if this guy would only be interested in a fling? Perhaps the OP would like that too.

The point is that the majority of young men will not have serious relationships with significantly older women; a higher percentage - most certainly - will have sex, flings, whatever with significantly older women.

Of the latter group - the reason that they do have sex with significantly older women is generally that they have a, to put it very politely, pragmatic/opportunistic attitude to sexual opportunities. Sex is very high priority for them, and they are relatively indiscriminate in terms of where they get it from. It's not remotely flattering to the older women they have sex with, it's more a case of "any hole will do" and the fact that the older woman are more likely to have their own home for hook ups, is not likely to be a pregnancy risk etc. are just extra advantages.

In short; the category of young men who regularly have sexual relationships with older women tend to be very sexually motivated, very opportunistic ... And quite derogatory to women/misogynistic. So what misogynistic young men say to their peers (which they would v rarely say to women) is quite representative.

While I'm sure you'd think every woman who has sex with a significantly younger man is with one who is discriminate, sincere and respects her; that's not likely. It's delusional.

In any case, all the arguing in favour of op "maybe only wanting a fling" ... Ops posts do not speak of a woman who currently had the rhino like emotional hide and perspective to have a fling with a young man where she comes out the other side all happy, secure and confident.

And - back to the point that this young man doesn't even appear to be single, and does not appear to have given any indication of being sexually or romantically interested in her. Encouraging her to pursue this is unfair.

@ChippyPickledEggs

As to the 'if the genders were reversed' argument - this never works because sexism and power.

If a man came in here and posted the reverse, he'd be told to leave her alone by the vast majority of posters.

*So what misogynistic young men say to their peers (which they would v rarely say to women) is quite representative.

I should add that there has been more than one poster who was involved with a younger man (not even in the realm of this age gap) post in here about their shock and how bad they were left feeling when the mask slipped with young men they'd met on old - and he gave an indication of how he actually saw her and their "relationship" (after the novelty of the sex had work off a bit).

It's just foolish to ignore how lots of young men (or just men) think in regards to sex.

*worn off

(no I'm not shagging all my younger male colleagues before gaijinetal busts a blood vessel about what they might all be writing about me on male dominated forums. I just get on with my work.)

I couldn't give a fk whether you are, or if they were to write about it on a forum (or say similar stuff to their mate's).

The only point i was making was that the young men who are apparently up for with you (and you're aware it would only be s fling and you're all adults yada yada) are quite likely to be rather derogatory about it (not to your face of course).

That dud not appear to be appreciated by the "lots of young men love older women!!" contingent.

They don't love significantly older women, they are fundamentally just a hole (or set of holes) to them, and the banter I've seen and heard from so many of them suggest there's actually embarrassment, shame & self derision about shagging significantly older women, which they try to offset with derogatory humour (but obviously not enough to miss out on the orgasms).

(Some just keep it on the down low, of course).

@gaijinetal

(no I'm not shagging all my younger male colleagues before gaijinetal busts a blood vessel about what they might all be writing about me on male dominated forums. I just get on with my work.)

I couldn't give a fk whether you are, or if they were to write about it on a forum (or say similar stuff to their mate's).

The only point i was making was that the young men who are apparently up for with you (and you're aware it would only be s fling and you're all adults yada yada) are quite likely to be rather derogatory about it (not to your face of course).

That dud not appear to be appreciated by the "lots of young men love older women!!" contingent.

They don't love significantly older women, they are fundamentally just a hole (or set of holes) to them, and the banter I've seen and heard from so many of them suggest there's actually embarrassment, shame & self derision about shagging significantly older women, which they try to offset with derogatory humour (but obviously not enough to miss out on the orgasms).

(Some just keep it on the down low, of course).

Honestly, this just says a lot about your own self esteem and how you view yourself as an older woman (which you are them projecting onto others.

Sorry you’re surrounded by crap misogynistic young men. By no means does that automatically transfer onto all or even the majority of other guys. You sound deeply insecure.

*Honestly, this just says a lot about your own self esteem and how you view yourself as an older woman (which you are them projecting onto others.

Sorry you’re surrounded by crap misogynistic young men. By no means does that automatically transfer onto all or even the majority of other guys. You sound deeply insecure.*

Riiight.

I don't fool myself that "lots of young men love older women!".

I'm aware of the motivations of the majority of young men who have sex with significantly older women.

So sorry that offends.

I clearly should let those posters on this thread continue in la la land ; and counting encouraging an op who comes across as vulnerable go and pursue a young man nearly twenty years younger who's apparently neither single nor interested.

*including encouraging

Sorry you’re surrounded by crap misogynistic young men.

The vast majority of young men I'm surrounded by simply would not get involved with a significantly older woman.

Of the tiny minority who would; they are very sexually motivated, very opportunistic, not discriminate, and can be misogynistic. That was the point I was making.

@gaijinetal

(no I'm not shagging all my younger male colleagues before gaijinetal busts a blood vessel about what they might all be writing about me on male dominated forums. I just get on with my work.)

I couldn't give a fk whether you are, or if they were to write about it on a forum (or say similar stuff to their mate's).

The only point i was making was that the young men who are apparently up for with you (and you're aware it would only be s fling and you're all adults yada yada) are quite likely to be rather derogatory about it (not to your face of course).

That dud not appear to be appreciated by the "lots of young men love older women!!" contingent.

They don't love significantly older women, they are fundamentally just a hole (or set of holes) to them, and the banter I've seen and heard from so many of them suggest there's actually embarrassment, shame & self derision about shagging significantly older women, which they try to offset with derogatory humour (but obviously not enough to miss out on the orgasms).

(Some just keep it on the down low, of course).

Goodness. I'd better LTB immediately.

And it's hardly "surrounded by" if you go on eg a fitness forum (for ages but dominated by twenty somethings), which has a sex and relationships page and see their posts about their involvement with significantly older women. You'd like to think they're not representative, I'd be inclined to think they are, backup up by the experiences of the very few 40 something women I know who've "dated" twenty something men.

(And the very few twenty something men I know who's date 40 something women ; in fact I only know two .. they are both messes. Would shag anyone and used prostitutes too).

Goodness. I'd better LTB immediately.

Hopefully you've found one of the rare young men who can have a decent relationship with a woman 23 year older, whether short term or long term.

gaijinetal - You seem fixated with the notion that it is completely impossible for any man to show a genuine interest in an older woman. I have known of several women who are/were in relationships with men quite a few years younger than them and some of these couples are married.

You appear to have taken opinions from 'male dominated' forums where women are discussed in the derogatory terms and applied those opinions to the male population as a whole which is a bit odd. I mean, MN is a hugely popular site but I know very few people IRL who behave the way lots of people on this site apparently do

they have a, to put it very politely, pragmatic/opportunistic attitude to sexual opportunities. Sex is very high priority for them, and they are relatively indiscriminate in terms of where they get it from.

Sure. Some men do have this approach to sex and relationships. But the point is it isn't reserved just for older women - this is their approach to sex and relationships in general. Because they're misogynists. Because they have been socially conditioned to see any hole as a goal and their masculinity is so fragile they think shagging anything makes them more of a man. They're sad people.

If we believed all men thought like this we would all be celibate forever would we not? Because these men don't respect any women. It's got nothing to do with any kind of age gap particularly.

The British are a bit funny when it comes to womens' ages. Here, its considered acceptable to retire experienced female newsreaders and tv presenters when they reach their late forties while keeping on men in their sixties and older, and to be fairly abusive in comments about women ageing, while referring to men as "silver foxes" etc.. Theres also a fairly abusive culture in online dating and dating in general towards women and their appearance and characteristics which I haven't seen in other parts of Europe.

I think its important to remember that none of this is healthy; age gap relationships where the women is older are fairly common. Its normal for men to be attracted to beautiful women, whatever their age, and there are many examples of younger men with older celebrties in long term relationships - Joan Collins and Percy, Kate Moss and Count Nikolas, Sam Taylor-Johnson and Aaron Johnson to name a few. But we know about these because they are famous, most people in age gap relationships don't shout it from the rooftops. When I dated my 12 years younger man for years, everyone assumed he was older than me. The French in particular have a culture of considering a beautiful woman beautiful at any age and this is celebrated rather than derided. It can be very negative in the UK and there is a lot of negging here. Its disappointing to see so many women joining in.

I don't think its a very good idea to base your choices in life on what a small number of fairly loud, badly behaved misogynistic men think about women. These men arent suitable relationship material for anyone, no matter how young they are. I find lots of British urban culture quite rough, for want of a better expression, there is a very low common denominator which doesn't apply to a lot of people, and while I can understand why people might want to warn you in case of disappointment, but you sound perfectly sensible and just wanted to chat about a crush, not to be lectured on the perils of disappointments in relationships so you might as well not try and to be accused of being "menopausal" for daring to think outside the box.

The other thing on mumsnet is that there is a tendency to have a very narrow view of what makes a suitable partner. The ideal partner on mumsnet would be several years older than the woman, "experienced" (whatever that means) and live a very rigid life, with no hobbies or outside interests. Personally, that wouldn't suit me at all.
As soon as a husband or boyfriend steps out of line, they must be left or blocked, probably both.

The advice on here can be very useful but it its a bit OTT on this thread in response to what is a very sensible OP simply wanting to discuss a crush.

@Eastie77

gaijinetal - You seem fixated with the notion that it is completely impossible for any man to show a genuine interest in an older woman. I have known of several women who are/were in relationships with men quite a few years younger than them and some of these couples are married.

You appear to have taken opinions from 'male dominated' forums where women are discussed in the derogatory terms and applied those opinions to the male population as a whole which is a bit odd. I mean, MN is a hugely popular site but I know very few people IRL who behave the way lots of people on this site apparently do

If that's what you've gotten from my posts,then you haven't really read them.

In my experience and observation, young men who get involved with significantly older (not older, I have always stressed significantly older) women are few and far between, and their motivations are often base (not always, there are always exceptions to a rule).

Also I haven't said I've taken my observation and experience from only one forum, or only forum's at all. I've taken it from numerous sources; not going to write a thesis on it.

I find lots of British urban culture quite rough, for want of a better expression, there is a very low common denominator which doesn't apply to a lot of people

The ok appears to be based in the US.

And incidentally most of the online opinions/experiences of young men "dating" significantly older women were in the US.