Ridiculous, intense crush on much younger auto mechanic

[lovesplantsnanimals]

I'll preface this by giving a bit of background: I'm a single, never been married 44 year old woman who's been out of the dating scene for 9 years. (by choice, got tired of the online scene, and relationships that didn't work). I've been going to a family owned auto shop for about two years now, and there's this 28 year old man who's just so personable, friendly, sweet, and whom I enjoy talking to whenever I have repairs done on my car. I appreciate the quality of work that his shop does, and will take in bagels, donuts, or something for everyone to munch on to show my appreciation. Feel this intense attraction toward him, but as far as I know , he has a girlfriend or may be living with someone. Today was the day before Valentine's Day, and it was the first saturday (when I had to go in for a repair to get done) that he wasn't there. I remember feeling really crestfallen, and down after leaving, because I assumed he stayed home to be with his girlfriend. I know I have no chance, because I'm much older than him, besides who knows if he even is attracted/interested. Even though I take good care of myself/really watch what I eat/exercise regularly/have laser treatments done to address uneven pigmentation/have a good skincare routine/use an at home microcurrent device to address skin elasticity. I can't remember feeling this level of attraction toward someone, even when I was dating 9 years ago. What is going on? I try to stem the feelings by reminding myself in some cultures, I'm old enough to be his mother, or at least his aunt.

Why should he be embarrassed at someone finding him attractive?

It just have just been me being terribly bashful and silly then - when 40 something men tried to ask me out at my workplace in my 20s - for being embarrassed, both myself, and for them.

Is he a Jeep specialist? If so, it might be difficult to replace him. I'd seriously consider that before anything else.

@ginandwineandbaileys

I agree, find someone nearer your own age. You'd get so bored of the mechanic.

Why would a 28 year old mechanic be boring? What would be better.... a 45 year old plumber, solicitor, librarian ...... ?

*It must have just been me.

He would be ribbed his work colleagues, and it may not be what people want to hear , but i can imagine an attractive young man in his late twenties with a girlfriend; being embarrassed for a forty something woman who's just another client he's pleasant to : trying to ask him out (or gain information about his relationship status, the purpose of which would be obvious).

You don't want to be that purpose - stop trying to sacrifice ok on the altar of "young men do fancy older women!". I'd like to see the responses if the gender were reversed; it would be "leave her alone, she's only be friendly and doing get job, you think she had a boyfriend, you're old enough to be her Dad .... Entitlement, sleaze blah blah".

@gaijinetal

The world is full of younger men who love attractive older women

When will they add an eye rolling emoji here.

If by love you mean - would shag, possibly.

If by love, you mean "have a meaningful long-term relationship with and family with, if possible" .... No.

Most do not do the latter with significantly older women, and by that I mean (at a push) over ten years older.

This board is chock full of women doing old complaining about how men won't consider women older than them.(or even the same age as them). There are young men who'll date older but rarely for a serious ltr.

And as I said ; you don't want to read what some of them say about it on male dominated forums; you wouldn't be able to unsee it. It's not pretty.

Theres something in between sex and having a family with someone, fun, dating, maybe not long term, but I don't think OP ssid she was looking for a happy ever after. I'm sure there are negative comments on male dominated forums, as there are about all types of women and situations. Fortunately they don't really reflect real life opinions and experiences. As any attractive older woman can tell you, there is no shortage of younger men who are more than interested.

*You don't want to be that person.

Not getting on to the basic fact that if people are interested in dating/shagging/whatever you ; you rarely have to guess or pursue it. They make it obvious.

Whether due to having a partner or not; he's not done or said anything to suggest he's be romantically or sexually interested. You pick from people who show interest, not pursue people who aren't.

As any attractive older woman can tell you, there is no shortage of younger men who are more than interested.

Not for ltr's.

And you don't need to be attractive.

@gaijinetal

*You don't want to be that person.

Not getting on to the basic fact that if people are interested in dating/shagging/whatever you ; you rarely have to guess or pursue it. They make it obvious.

Whether due to having a partner or not; he's not done or said anything to suggest he's be romantically or sexually interested. You pick from people who show interest, not pursue people who aren't.

This I agree with.

I had a passionate crush on someone 14 years younger than me and was also a work colleague. All sorts of wrong. They were also with someone. Their girlfriend moved abroad and they are now my partner and we are completely in love with each other. Why are people so hung up and judgey about age? I say let him know how you feel. It's refreshingly honest. The worst is that he is unavailable and incredibly flattered

but I don't think OP ssid she was looking for a happy ever after.

Not sure exactly what op is looking for, but having a fling with a crush who moves on (discards essentially) can be v hard on the emotions .. and you'd need to be quite thick skinned and very stoical in a way that op doesn't come across to me in her posts.

According to the MN online dating threads, women in their 40s get lots of approaches from blokes in their late 20s/ early 30s - it's the cougar/milf thing, and probably that older women aren't going to be wanting marriage/ babies. So you never know, OP - you could ask him out and if he says no then you never have to see him again. 🤷‍♀️

There's absolutely nothing wrong with having a crush, just be careful not to get carried away and make it into something else.

He sounds lovely but the truth is he's probably just a friendly bloke and like that with all his customers.

I experienced something similar several years ago, although there wasn't not such a big age gap. In my case it was my dc's riding instructor. I thankfully managed - just about - to not make a tit of myself (I think!). It ended when I met his much younger than me girlfriend and had to admit that his 'flirting' with me was probably just him being friendly and me reading too much into it. Alternatively he was actually flirting but just for kicks. Luckily my dc no longer wanted to take riding lessons so I only had about a month to put on a brave face before never seeing him again. It hurt ( I actually cried a bit), but I got over it soon enough.

You'll be ok, OP.

@ColdBrightClearMorning

Might be an unpopular opinion but I’d say shoot your shot, and change garages.

Find a new garage so you’re not continually seeing him, and so you can avoid seeing him and let the crush die down. But by all means ask him out. It’ll be embarrassing but whatever happens it’ll give you some closure imo. Maybe call up and ask if they can pass a message onto him saying you know this is a bit out there but if he fancies going for a drink sometime here’s your number.

I know people will say you’ll be humiliating yourself but honestly, it’s fine to ask people out as long as you respect their answer and don’t make it weird! And even if he says no, that should help you to stop mooning after him as your brain at least will know there’s no chance and to move on.

Either way... change garages.

I agree with this.

He might be interested or he might not.

I think people assuming he’s not is a bit ageist

R.e. The donuts yes it’s not the done thing but if you thought it was nice so what? It is nice!

Just be yourself, do what you want and live your life. You live for you not others.

Hmmm...I've mentioned before that my DP and I have 16 years between us (he is younger). It's not an issue to us, but it is to some other people it would seem. Not our problem, we're happy.

@CatpissEverdine

I had a passionate crush on someone 14 years younger than me and was also a work colleague. All sorts of wrong. They were also with someone. Their girlfriend moved abroad and they are now my partner and we are completely in love with each other. Why are people so hung up and judgey about age? I say let him know how you feel. It's refreshingly honest. The worst is that he is unavailable and incredibly flattered

That's like any relatively uncommon scenario that a poster might come on here with and say "it worked out for me so go for it" , while ignoring that it's not that common.

(Also idly wonder how long you've been together - because lots of things can last a year or two but).

Relationships with big age gaps often get scuppered on the kids issue. Guys say they're ok with none of their own but change their mind, guys are not focussed on that at the beginning but become so as time goes on and they age etc.

This is of they don't already have kids of their own, sounds like not with this guy.

In any case he doesn't even sound single, and hasn't even shown any particular interest.

I think people assuming he’s not is .. realist

Fixed that.

@gaijinetal

but I don't think OP ssid she was looking for a happy ever after.

Not sure exactly what op is looking for, but having a fling with a crush who moves on (discards essentially) can be v hard on the emotions .. and you'd need to be quite thick skinned and very stoical in a way that op doesn't come across to me in her posts.

Yes, I agree with this completely. Relationships with much younger men, ie a generation apart, can be tough and not for the faint hearted. They can work out, but I agree it's more likely not to be a serious long term prospect. Fine if you're ok with that, not so good if you accidentally get too attached. That said, I think it would be a shame if the OPs takeaway from this was to feel embarrassed at having the audacity to fancy a younger man, as he couldn't possibly be interested in her at her age, and she was being somehow inappropriate. If that's what she's into, there's plenty of opportunities, just probably not this one.

@Barrantsvidal

Hmmm...I've mentioned before that my DP and I have 16 years between us (he is younger). It's not an issue to us, but it is to some other people it would seem. Not our problem, we're happy.

Theres some weird responses on this thread, where some posters are extrapolating their own experiences as everyone's experiences. There are plenty of examples of older woman - younger man long term relationships and always have been.

I haven't read all responses but maybe you're in the very early stages of menopause and it's your horomones going a bit loopy.

Oh god are you one of those limerence people? If so, and this is real, seriously, stop stalking him. Buy a newer car

He's probably friendly to you because you are a customer and he wants your custom plus the positive word of mouth business. That's how garages work.

DP does similar for a job and is very friendly and personable. I've been there and seen how women clearly take to him. He's also had a customer take in treats then call up and ask him out, after heavily hinting that she was single (he'd already clocked she may be interested as he was asking me as he never gets these things). She definitely was as she did exactly what some posters on here have advised and called his work to ask him for a drink. She never bothered to find out if he was single before doing so though. He politely turned her down and said he wasn't single and I know he thinks 'good on her for having the nerve' but his colleagues took the piss a bit.

Honestly though, you'll embarrass yourself. Most 28 year old men don't want to date a woman in her mid 40s. He just has a good customer service manner.

If by any chance he is single and you're happy with a friendship with benefits (preferably with clearly defined expectations e.g. monogamy, respectful) or a relationship that probably won't be long term, then you may find he would be very happy to oblige. When I was his age a 40 something Asian female, without kids, who took good care of herself and was very attracted to me would have been wonderful. Although not necessarily for a long term relationship.

If you're looking for something long term then, as someone has said already, you very probably need to look at men closer to your own age. With all the pitfalls of OLD that's easier said than done of course.

@NotMyPremium

He's probably friendly to you because you are a customer and he wants your custom plus the positive word of mouth business. That's how garages work.

DP does similar for a job and is very friendly and personable. I've been there and seen how women clearly take to him. He's also had a customer take in treats then call up and ask him out, after heavily hinting that she was single (he'd already clocked she may be interested as he was asking me as he never gets these things). She definitely was as she did exactly what some posters on here have advised and called his work to ask him for a drink. She never bothered to find out if he was single before doing so though. He politely turned her down and said he wasn't single and I know he thinks 'good on her for having the nerve' but his colleagues took the piss a bit.

Honestly though, you'll embarrass yourself. Most 28 year old men don't want to date a woman in her mid 40s. He just has a good customer service manner.

You would really want to see how men in their 20s act around older women. That's embarrassing yourself! Generalising of course, but its irritating to see older women dismissed as being the ones making fools of themselves, when so many young men fawn around them like puppies, to the point of being a nuisance. Yet it's the older woman who is made out to be the fool. Unsurprisingly.

@gaijinetal

The world is full of younger men who love attractive older women

When will they add an eye rolling emoji here.

If by love you mean - would shag, possibly.

If by love, you mean "have a meaningful long-term relationship with and family with, if possible" .... No.

Most do not do the latter with significantly older women, and by that I mean (at a push) over ten years older.

This board is chock full of women doing old complaining about how men won't consider women older than them.(or even the same age as them). There are young men who'll date older but rarely for a serious ltr.

And as I said ; you don't want to read what some of them say about it on male dominated forums; you wouldn't be able to unsee it. It's not pretty.

I'm sure it isn't pretty what they say about being with older women, which is why I wouldn't even consider it. I had enough trouble with dating men my age, and worrying about that. .I wish there was a brain surgery they could perform where it would rid a person of the desire for companionship, I'd gladly sign up for that!

gaijinetal you don't want to read what some of them say about it on male dominated forums; you wouldn't be able to unsee it. It's not pretty.

What men say about women of any age on these sorts of forums is not pretty. This is because these forums are populated by misogynists who don't like women. They're not saying hateful things about older women but treating all other women as equals and peers worthy of respect

Why would any woman choose to live her life based on what hateful, inadequate little misogynists think? Who cares what men on these forums say? If we believed all men thought like that we'd all be celibate forever wouldn't we?

And what does it matter if this guy would only be interested in a fling? Perhaps the OP would like that too.