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Original poster

How important is ‘great’ sex in a relationship?

104 replies

Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 17:34

In the beginning? Over time?

I’m not particularly sexual but I don’t think my boyfriend finds me super attractive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 17:34

Is this superficial?

OP posts:
Ineedaslap · 13/02/2021 17:35

Why don't you think he finds you super attractive?

moanieleminx · 13/02/2021 17:36

Different strokes for different folks.

It's incredibly important for me, but I have friends who it is less important to.

Whatever works for the two of you. I think you should talk to each other rather than strangers on the internet, TBH.

LookMoreCloselier · 13/02/2021 17:47

It should be the best you've ever had at least.

Original poster
Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 17:49

allIneedaslap He said he loves everything about me, except my body as I've put on some weight, but I am still healthy. I think the problem is more him - he's never been that sexual either to be honest. He has a low drive due to medication. He said we should both be prepared to accept we will likely never have great sex, although we could in the future, but it's not certain.

I actually don't mind not much sex - but it's hurt me that he doesn't find me very attractive and isn't all over me. Not sure if I am expecting too much, and as we're in 30s/40s, is this really important? I would like a family one day and see this as more important.

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Original poster
Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 17:51

I get tonnes of interest from other men...

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Wiredforsound · 13/02/2021 17:59

It is very important if you are mismatched sexually. He clearly is not interested in having sex. The question is whether you want to spend the next 50 years like that? I did it for 6 years and it was soul destroying. I felt so unattractive and unloved, like I was living a half life. I now have have a new partner and we are far more compatible and it has transformed my life.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 13/02/2021 18:05

More importantly, how important is it to you OP? Are you sexually compatible with your other half?
Good sex is massively important to me but - to some of my friends - not so much.
Depends if you feel deprived or that your sexual life is being curtailed?

Megansocks · 13/02/2021 18:05

What did he actually say? He doesn’t find you attractive due to body?

WouldstrokeTomHardy · 13/02/2021 18:10

So he doesn't find you attractive and he blames your body/weight. But you get lots of interest from other men. Does your DP put you down in other ways?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2021 18:11

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for your self esteem OP. He says you've put on weight - is this something very drastic?

Original poster
Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 18:11

Megansocks
What did he actually say? He doesn’t find you attractive due to body

Pretty much. He wanted to stop having sex, he said he couldn't force himself to, as I had put on weight, and he prefers toned bodies.

That was a few months ago, and I've been working out, and he's been touching me in the mornings, but I ignore, or get up. I'm too self conscious now and my body still isn't toned. Also, he just hasn't made me feel great.

He was a virgin until his 30s and only had a few partners at most. I've had more, but not loads, started sexually when I was in my early 20s.

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Original poster
Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 18:12

youvegottenminuteslynn
He says you've put on weight - is this something very drastic?

Not at all.

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Original poster
Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 18:13

WouldstrokeTomHardy
So he doesn't find you attractive and he blames your body/weight. But you get lots of interest from other men. Does your DP put you down in other ways?

No, he says he loves everything about me. But I take your point.

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Crosstrainer · 13/02/2021 18:14

He wanted to stop having sex, he said he couldn't force himself to, as I had put on weight, and he prefers toned bodies.

Oh gosh - that’s awful, OP. Just awful. This will erode your confidence and self esteem over time....

Original poster
Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 18:16

Crosstrainer Thankfully my confidence is OK so far - I know I look great, lots of people, colleagues etc comment on my looks (not that I want it tbh). I know the problem isn't me - but I can't change myself, or force him to fancy me. Although he says he does, just not my body. He is fit, works out etc but he's hardly tall, elongated, muscular etc! He has many imperfections! He confuses me Confused

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PralineFowler · 13/02/2021 18:17

Sounds grim.

Sex isn’t the best all and end all, but his attitude is SO unsexy I’d find it hard to want him. He doesn’t fancy you, stops in the middle of sex because you’re ‘not toned enough’ and uses this medication excuse for a low sex drive (why can’t he see a doctor and sort it out?).

It all sounds like he has got issues that he is projecting on to you. Don’t have a family with this man. He will destroy your confidence. You deserve better - to feel desired, secure and loved, just as you are.

user1493413286 · 13/02/2021 18:17

I’m actually a bit speechless at him saying that! How long have you been together? How much weight have you put on? If you’re still healthy then it surely can’t be much! I assume he has a perfect body if he says that about toned bodies?
I just can’t imagine staying with someone who says that. The issue about having great sex is secondary to the bigger issue of him saying that to be honest. However in answer to your question if the sex isn’t great at the beginning then it’s unlikely to become great as time goes on in my experience.

Original poster
Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 18:17

He's supporting me through a tough time at the moment, and I'm very thankful for that. He does have good in him. Maybe he's just being honest about not finding my body attractive, after all, you can't control these things. I'm just wondering how important is it? After all, I can say he isn't the best looking man, or great shag I've ever had, but we work in others ways.

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2021 18:18

@Grossedout12

youvegottenminuteslynn He says you've put on weight - is this something very drastic?

Not at all.

He's a wanker then OP.

I wouldn't find my partner very physically attractive if he put on 5 stone for example. I would love him and be desperately sad he was unhealthy and say it tactfully if asked but I wouldn't find him physically attractive. I would still love him and be kind to him about the issue and try to help him work through it.

In your case, your weight gain sounds like something he's using as a reason to make you feel shit. He sounds like he wants you to feel shit and is comfortable with you feeling rubbish about yourself. That isn't love.

Have you said to him that you'll tone up if and when you want to but if his interest in you wanes this much when you are just a bit less toned, he clearly doesn't love you in a healthy and secure way?

OP does he have a tendency to dictate the mood of the house? The ability to make your relationship go at the speed he is comfortable? To be difficult to the point it's easier to let him have his way than to discuss things with him because he ends up being dismissive or turning a discussion into an argument?

He doesn't sound nice. At all.

Shoxfordian · 13/02/2021 18:19

It’s not really good enough from him, don’t give up on good sex for a man who doesn’t appreciate you

user1493413286 · 13/02/2021 18:19

I’m also going to add that he can’t love everything about you and then say but not your body; that means he doesn’t love everything and your body is a pretty big part of you. Also he doesn’t love trying to maintain your self esteem to say that either

Original poster
Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 18:19

PralineFowler Very good points. Agreed, he could sort it out. No, he's not perfect. And yes, he is projecting - his body wasn't perfect so long ago, so that's why I think he is super sensitive about it. I'm still way better looking than him though!

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FieldOverFence · 13/02/2021 18:20

Well, he's a dick, basically.
Unless you went from a size 8 to a size 22 in the space of 6 months, I sincerely doubt your weight gain is enough to make you so unattractive as to no longer want to have sex
And having been a size 22, my partner was still well up for it regularly

Now that said, I have a low sex drive, and could take it or leave it most of the time, but whether I'm up or down a few pounds has nothing to do with it

Original poster
Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 18:20

ser1493413286 Been together two years

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