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Original poster

How important is ‘great’ sex in a relationship?

104 replies

Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 17:34

In the beginning? Over time?

I’m not particularly sexual but I don’t think my boyfriend finds me super attractive.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2021 18:20

He's supporting me through a tough time at the moment, and I'm very thankful for that.

That's the minimum one should expect from a partner during a tough time though. Something you can appreciate as part of a partner being a good person, but not something you should feel grateful / indebted for to the point it overrides really shitty behaviour on their part.

I would be telling him I find him much less attractive due to how shit his personality has become so best to call it quits...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2021 18:22

@Grossedout12

ser1493413286 Been together two years
Two years in?!?! Fuck that - off he fucks to the gym to find a more toned body he does want to shag then. Meanwhile you can date the hell out of yourself before meeting someone who isn't a walking red flag for body image issues. Two years in - walk away!
Original poster
Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 18:22

Sorry I meant he is trying to touch me sexually now, I guess because I've lost some weight as I have been working out. But I just find it awful now and either ignore him or get out of bed...He's trying, but if he sees me naked, he'll still see I'm not 'perfect' or 'toned'. Then what? He's going to stop and make me feel awful again? There are many things I overlook when it comes to his body, we all do that right? No person is perfect. It seems he's unable to.

Just wondering if a sexless relationship is sustainable. I don't have a lot of time to get starting a family...

OP posts:
Sleepyquest · 13/02/2021 18:23

Don't waste your good/younger years with this man OP. You want to be with someone who finds you attractive no matter what. What if you were to get pregnant and gain a large amount of weight? Would he then find you repulsive? He sounds absolutely awful.

YouDoNotHaveTheAuthority · 13/02/2021 18:24

How long have you been together?

MsTSwift · 13/02/2021 18:27

Also everyone ages. I couldn’t be with someone like that far too much pressure. Plus rubbish sex?! Throw this one back in sea I think op.

mooncats · 13/02/2021 18:29

No, he says he loves everything about me. But I take your point.

Everything about you except your body ? Fuck that he's clearly making excuses for his inability to perform properly .
Sexual chemistry is a priority for me but everyone's different .

Crosstrainer · 13/02/2021 18:33

if he sees me naked, he'll still see I'm not 'perfect' or 'toned'.

Nobody is, though. Not in real life. Not even the models etc. I’d park this as a friendship, I think. How does it work if you have a baby? Nobody’s anything like “perfect and toned” after that. It sounds utterly soul destroying to me.

Shoxfordian · 13/02/2021 18:40

A sexless relationship wouldn’t be sustainable for me, he clearly doesn’t love you no matter what. If you were to be pregnant then your body would obviously change. He sounds shallow

Purplecatshopaholic · 13/02/2021 18:46

Over time this is going to be soul destroying op. He will chip away at your self esteem. Don’t have a kid with this man. Get out now

Megansocks · 13/02/2021 18:52

Have you posted about him before? The one that says he prefers toned bodies and only relationship was a morbidly obese woman he dumped? He sounded dreadful.

BaggoMcoys · 13/02/2021 18:54

You're obviously still feeling insecure about your body around him, and I understand why. Just don't waste any more time with him, it's really not worth it. Nobody is perfect, you know others find you attractive, be with someone who makes you feel good.

MsTSwift · 13/02/2021 18:54

He sounds like he may be gay? Not interested in sex and women can only be perfect toned doll types so an impossible standard no real woman can actually reach so he has a good excuse to avoid sex...

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 13/02/2021 18:55

I think chemistry is incredibly important, it's what keeps Dh & I bonded during tougher times. I know he thinks I'm gorgeous from head to toe and op please don't settle for what your dp is offering you.
I was married previously and we were very much in love but there was zero chemistry and eventually our relationship slowly died.

Thebizz · 13/02/2021 18:57

I think I remember your previous post. I’m not sure he even likes women.

I can’t see how you can have a healthy relationship with this man.

wowier · 13/02/2021 18:59

Do you find his body attractive, does he look the same?

wowier · 13/02/2021 19:00

He sounds like he has the problem so is blaming you.

He has many imperfections!

I hope you highlight them

Wearywithteens · 13/02/2021 19:00

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

nervousnelly8 · 13/02/2021 19:03

I don't think you're asking the right question here. Personally, I'm pretty happy with my current minimal sex life - 2 young children and a huge amount on our plates. Sex has never been the most important part of intimacy for either of us.
But, I could not stay in a relationship with someone who didn't find me attractive. When I met DH we were both in great shape. 2 children later, I'm carrying 20lbs+ more weight and much less muscle. He has put on at least as much as me. We both still adore each other. One day I will get back in shape, but not because DH doesn't fancy me when I'm not toned!

Moomoolandmoomooland · 13/02/2021 19:07

Well, I hate to have to spell it out to you, but if you want children, you need to have sex.

And if he behaves like this towards you before kids, how will be behave if you ended up with an csection overhang, droopy boobs, pelvic floor damage or any of the other delightful complications that comes with pregnancy?

He will destroy your self esteem OP. If you have plenty of interest from others, take it. DH and I are similar ages, two kids, look like crap but still fancy each other and have a fullfilling sex life.

Cleverpolly3 · 13/02/2021 19:09

I don’t know how you can even summon the strength to talk about him
He sounds fucking awful
Don’t settle for this shit get him out of your life before you’re hating yourself and a shadow of yourself
He won’t change
He’s not the man for you.

Megansocks · 13/02/2021 19:10

Op if you’re thinking about kids with him than that’s long term which means you will need to weather life issues together, accidents, illness. How can you go through things like that with someone that says they will go off if you don’t conform to his ideal. Don’t do it.

BrownFootStool · 13/02/2021 19:14

Even if you were 'perfect' now, no one stays that way. What if you get ill and put on weight? What if you have a baby? You'll age. I would think hard about if your relationship can sustain through all of this. You deserve better than a man who blames his own inadequacies in the bedroom on you not having a so-called perfect body.

Ineedaslap · 13/02/2021 19:15

@Grossedout12 well I think that is just horrible.

Is he using that as an excuse to just not have sex with you?

My body has changed massively over the years thanks to children and surgeries, but not once has my husband said that is a reason for not having sex with me.

It's not too late to find someone who appreciates you for you xx

Anne1958 · 13/02/2021 19:21

Op, life really is too short to have this person in your life.

And take it from me that whoever he ends up with next won’t be right for him either for the simple fact this is very much all about him in every sense.

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