Page 3 | How important is ‘great’ sex in a relationship?

Grossedout12 · 2021-02-13T17:34:04+00:00

In the beginning? Over time? I’m not particularly sexual but I don’t think my boyfriend finds me super attractive.

burritofan · 13/02/2021 19:21

There’ll be times in your life, OP, when you don’t have sex in a relationship: the sleepless nights of small babies with your fanny on fire, for instance, or long-term illness, or dozens of reasons. And times when life gets on top of you in a relationship and you’re both sniping at each other and knackered.

And at those times, I think you need a lot of love/chemistry/happy memories in the relationship “bank” to hold onto to remind yourselves that you’re in it together, and you’ll shag again when the baby finally sleeps/whatever the reason is, or that this rough patch will smooth over.

But two years in and he’s already critiquing your body and suggesting you give up on having a sex life? What do you have in the relationship bank to carry you through the shit bits? Sex isn’t everyone’s most important thing but if it is important to you, first two years you should still be at it like weasels, not scurrying out of bed in case he sees your wobbly bits. He sounds like he’s negging you and this is just the start.

Montysauras · 13/02/2021 19:22

So me and my DH always said we would subtly, gently tell the other if weight gain was unhealthy... to outright say he prefers ‘x’ would be a bit of a dealbreaker for me. My DH isn’t as muscly, or has as much hair, as he once did... but I still find him so sexy! And vice versa, back to pre preg Bwright with the addition of a few wobbly bits and stretch marks You need to be with someone who appreciates all of you... physically, emotionally etc. I’m not one for this but.. LTB.. find someone that appreciates and fancies the full package!

Illberidingshotgun · 13/02/2021 19:24

IME a sexless relationship is not sustainable, no.

He's said he doesn't love your body. He's said that you have to accept lack of good sex, and at the moment when he considers your body "good enough" he is making attempts to have sex. This is controlling, coercive behaviour OP. He is dictating sexual activity, when he considers your body to be acceptable to him. He doesn't love you, I'm afraid. If he genuinely loved you he would adore you regardless of putting on a few pounds or being less toned.

Having children with him is never going to work, believe me, I've been there. He will use the changes to your body during and after as a further excuse to refuse sex and make you feel bad. Leave him and give yourself the opportunity to find someone who loves you and makes you happy.

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/02/2021 19:24

That sounds depressing and rubbish for your self esteem.

Original poster

Grossedout12 · 13/02/2021 20:01

Thank you all. I know what I need to do I've instigated breaking up a few times, he never wants to. I'm just worried about my biological clock ticking. We get along otherwise.

OP posts:

Megansocks · 13/02/2021 20:06

Well so what if he doesn’t want to, is this what you want?

misskatamari · 13/02/2021 20:09

Oh goodness, this really is no way to live. Please please leave him. This will wear you down over time. Don't stay with someone who is unkind to you, just because you want to have kids one day. I really would not advise having children with him either. I don't care what good qualities he has, he is not treating you well, and you deserve someone who loves and fancies you.

alseb · 13/02/2021 20:11

He will ultimately destroy your confidence. I have no doubt that even if you went to the gym and became toned he would still find ways to avoid sex and make you feel worthless. You deserve so much better than the crumbs he’s giving you. Get rid!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2021 20:15

@Grossedout12

Thank you all. I know what I need to do

I've instigated breaking up a few times, he never wants to. I'm just worried about my biological clock ticking. We get along otherwise.

How do you think he will make you feel about your body during pregnancy and after childbirth? It's tough on even strong and kind couples. He isn't a suitable long term partner especially not if you want to have children. Please cut your losses - two years in you've had a lucky escape I think!

Bourbonbiccy · 13/02/2021 20:21

Does he want children?

You don't sound compatible, there is noting wrong with a partner admitting they dint find you physically as attractive as before, but it doesn't really seem like a great relationship if you describe it as "you get on otherwise" it should be a lot more this just getting, especially on after only 2 years, and I don't just mean sex, I mean that feeling someone gives you when you see them and how they make you feel.

It doesn't sound great to me.

LandFair · 13/02/2021 20:22

I'm sure lots of women look and feel just fine after childbirth (I did, in fact I felt better!), not sure why PP sees it as "tough on strong or kind couples". Maybe my experience of sex generally is different!

Anyway, he doesn't appreciate you or your body. So there's nowhere to go really with this. He's not even sugar-coating it. You say you get loads of attention from men generally ... so its his problem, clearly. Good luck.

LandFair · 13/02/2021 20:33

On page 1 you said he told you he had to "force" himself to have sex with you , as he found you unnattractive since you put on some weight. How much weight have you actually put on, the mind boggles. If a man said he felt he had to "force" himself to have sex with me, so he preferred if he didn't, I'd say thats fine and help him pack his bags that same night. "Knob" doesn't get close.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2021 20:40

@LandFair

I'm sure lots of women look and feel just fine after childbirth (I did, in fact I felt better!), not sure why PP sees it as "tough on strong or kind couples". Maybe my experience of sex generally is different!

Shit sorry I phrased that poorly! What I meant was that pregnancy and a new baby are tough on even the strongest couples in a myriad ways, so the navigating the pressure of that with someone who sounds as self involved and dickish as OP's partner is going to be even tougher. I appreciate reading back it sounded like I meant purely in relation to bodies / aesthetics but I didn't mean that - was typing in fury at how much of a nobber this man sounds!

LandFair · 13/02/2021 20:47

OK Lynn I geddit. I just had to reply because I thought it was endorsing the idea that women almost literally physically fell apart as soon as they had a baby!!!!!!!! Sometimes I type so fast when I'm worked up, it can come out a bit wrong, lol.

Anyway agree, he's at best a CF (cheeky fucker), at worst deliberately trying to make OP lose confidence.

Anotheruser02 · 13/02/2021 20:51

Don't let him string you along during your fertile years.
You can do better.

category12 · 13/02/2021 20:53

@Grossedout12

Thank you all. I know what I need to do

I've instigated breaking up a few times, he never wants to. I'm just worried about my biological clock ticking. We get along otherwise.

You need to stop being so passive in your own life and watching your fertility window shrink away while some bloke with some kind of sexual problem/hang-up puts you down.

You don't need him to agree with splitting up, you just bloody do it. What's he's offering you isn't enough, and you will miss your opportunity to have kids and have your self-esteem crushed into the ground by rejection by the guy who is supposed to love, if you don't give yourself a massive kick up the arse and change your situation. Stop being so limp about it.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 13/02/2021 20:57

I've instigated breaking up a few times, he never wants to.

What this actually means is that you've told him, on more than one occasion, that you want to break up and he's treated it like a negotiation in which he gets the final say. And you've allowed him to do so!

You can split up from anyone at any time for any reason and their agreement is not required.

Why do you feel he gets to make decisions on your behalf? Nobody should ever be entitled to do so, especially not a mood hoover you've only been with for two years!

Being passive can also mean being at risk of being vulnerable, you can sleepwalk through your 20s and 30s being passive then realise you've wasted a couple of decades on people who didn't deserve your time.

heylol · 13/02/2021 21:40

I think there's a chance he doesn't want kids. Rather than tell you that and risk losing you he's making you hyper focused on having a body that is "perfect and toned". All your effort is going into making your body look right for him and then being sad and self conscious worrying that it won't be.

Besides that his comments are bang out of order anyway, for all the reasons others have given.

The longer you stay in that situation the more it will damage you. I'm sorry if that sounds ott but I was in a relationship where someone ran my body down all the time and it has left an impact I can't shift. he was talking rot too, I was 23 and physically fit, it was never about how I looked.

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 13/02/2021 21:48

He is making you feel insecure about your (probably lovely) body as cover for his sexual dysfunction. He has trouble performing so he is putting it on you. Get rid of him before he destroys your self esteem.

Countingthebeat · 13/02/2021 22:17

Great sex between two people who love each other has very little to do with how toned their bodies are
Toned bodies may be great for lustful relationships and when there’s little depth between the people but in something more like a long term relationship there is usually so much more bringing the people together and making them want to connect sexually . I know that the times my partner had been most excited has usually been when we have connected emotionally and are close , this is my experience in past relationships too
Why don’t you present him with that and ask him why a toned body is so important to him
There seems to be something more going on with your partner. Is it possible he is gay or asexual ?

Countingthebeat · 13/02/2021 22:20

And yes people are correct that he doesn’t get to decide your sexual life . If he doesn’t want sex that doesn’t make you doomed to no sex . You have the choice to either tell him you want sex ie open relationship or leave the relationship

Helmetbymidnight · 13/02/2021 22:23

He said he loves everything about me, except my body He said we should both be prepared to accept we will likely never have great sex,

this guy will not make you (anyone) happy. theres something deeply wrong with him. please dont tolerate it.

Countingthebeat · 13/02/2021 22:23

And one more thing . If you decide to stay with this man he needs to learn to have respect for your body and never speak another rude word about it
I’m assuming he’s not brad Pitt . It irks me that people are so quick to tell others their opinions of their bodies or whether they consider them too skinny/ fat whatever
Cant imagine anyone walking up to another person and saying wow your skins gotten wrinkled why don’t you moisturise or your nose is big or damn your ugly , go get a makeover

Rollypollygoo · 13/02/2021 22:36

He's a cheeky fucker!

And a horrible person.

If he wants a sexless relationship then he could simply say that. There was no need to say he had to force himself into having sex with your because your body is unattractive to him. That was an awful thing to say and I'm sure he chose to say that to really fuck with your self worth. He doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with anyone.

BeautifulStar · 13/02/2021 22:39

He was a virgin until his 30s

God, I wonder why?

You poor thing OP - he is vile. Please dump him, he’s shredding any ounce of self esteem you have left. What would you say to a friend who told you her partner was treating her like this?