OP, I had to log in just to say “don’t be me”! I’m probably a decade or so on from where you are now. In a similar situation of being with someone who didn’t (still doesn’t) make me feel attractive in the slightest. And this was when I was young and very good looking (I know that sounds big headed, but it was the truth then). He rarely wanted sex and it was like we were flat mates. For some stupid reason (actually, it’s because I lost my parents back from I was at uni so he was my only family really), I married him. And that should have been the biggest warning...he proposed and it was all exciting, but then he didn’t want to plan a wedding. I literally have no idea why I bothered to plan our wedding, which eventually happened 3 years after we got engaged.
I think my husband is either gay or asexual. Anyway, back then, we probably had rubbish sex about once or twice a month for years and years. I fell pregnant 3 times (all in first month of TTC), which is a miracle given how rarely we ever DTD. Our DC are wonderful, but my husband’s apathy towards me physically has hardened my heart. It only warms up for my DC now, as they’re so sweet and loving. Goodness knows how I’ll feel when they inevitably don’t want to cuddle their mum any longer.
After my youngest was born, I kept on quite a lot of weight from pregnancy. It was almost like a suit of armour for me, as my libido disappeared and I didn’t feel rejected physically. My husband told me at some point when I pushed him about being grumpy that he didn’t find me attractive any longer due to my weight. Well, to be honest, I had been 5 stone lighter and very toned about 10 years earlier and he hadn’t found me attractive then either. So at least I knew the issue was him!
I’ve since lost 4 stone of that weight, which means I’m back to a slim size 8-10 (instead of a 16). He gives me the odd compliment nowadays and very occasionally (once or twice a month) tries a quick fumble when we’re in bed and I do that same as you...either roll over to sleep or get up and shower. I’m never naked in front of him, I lock the door when I’m in the bathroom and change in private too. His unkindness when I was fatter killed nearly all of my feelings. Bizarrely I don’t find him attractive now either, despite knowing that he is actually good looking.
So I think you need to leave. I wish I’d had that same courage many years ago. Your DP will never ever change and you will risk your self-esteem and miss the happiness you could have with someone else.
I’m in my situation for a while longer. We have a fun happy home with our DC. We both have busy, fulfilling careers. There’s no friction or grumpiness in our marriage now, as I know he’s the one who is deeply flawed. As I mentioned, I don’t have any other family, so I’m enjoying what we have with a lovely home. I couldn’t face losing my DC for half the time. My long term plan when our DC have gone to uni, is to spend most of my time living in our holiday home (it’s a couple of hours drive). In my mind, I’ll come back to the main house for most weekends and family holidays, so we’ll still be a family. And then I dream about joining the WI, reading lots of books, making cakes, studying literature, going for walks....and having a wild secret affair with the local widowed farmer 😂
Wishing you lots of luck and happiness OP!