Husband says no to everything

[WonderLandWoman]

Fed up... no to chickens, no to buying a family tent, no to a trampoline, no to a digital photo frame.

I have Christmas, inheritance and birthday money saved up...

I just wish my husband would be positive. I don't want to go ahead with any of the above ideas if he's going to moan, or work against me.

I should enjoy buying one of those things with the money I've saved but now I just feel anxious that he'll berate my choice or be really negative about it and make me regret it.

What do you think?

@MzHz

I get you’re disappointed and all that.. but why you’re looking to buy is pretty crap!

Are you so bored that you’re looking for crap to buy?

Chickens attract rats, rip up the garden etc

Trampoline is just a new source for noise in an otherwise peaceful spot

And a family tent is only worthwhile if you ALL love camping.

He clearly doesn’t

Sorry, I’m in Team DH. Save your money and spend it on something that brings you all happiness when this Covid shit is over

Christ I am surprised at what you have said MzHz, team dh is too much.

Yes, do not use your savings to buy anything you want that he's said no to. that is a great system of keeping you poor and unable to leave.

@pepperxo Glad you earn more now, I left my x over a saucepan. I was doing all the cooking (sahm) and I wanted to buy a bigger saucepan. I picked one up in Robert dyas. It was not an expensive one but nor was it the cheapest. He went back and put it back on the shelf and took it upon himself to choose the cheapest one.

it was just one in a long line of things he did that totally dehumanised me. He referred to my tin pot parade, leaving him over a saucepan. OMG I was just so dead inside at that point.

It’s about time you just bought what you wanted and got on with it (the chickens I can understand), why does he get the final day on everything. You are an adult! Just get on with it and ignore any comments.

I wish each of you the strength to leave these miserable people and go and get busy actually living instead of barely eking out an existence.

No,
if you want to take your ds camping, buy the tent op, if dh comes or not, it is up to him.

And I agree with pp saying don’t spend all the money. Buy some little things you love, but save the rest and start planning to leave.

I wouldn't buy chickens trampoline or tent without discussion. But then my DH wouldn't automatically say no!

I get the chickens thing. Any ‘pets’ and you need to have the family onboard. It’s a big commitment. My DH wants a dog, but I’m holding out against having one as I know from past experience I will get lumbered with the bulk of the caring for it. But the other stuff is entirely your choice. It’s very controlling to dictate what you can and can’t buy with your money. Don’t even ask him. Just do it.

and the digital photoframe,
just pick one you like and can afford.

I think you should go as the others say and not consult him so much. (Chickens yes but the other things no)

You say you wish he was positive but OP he won't change. He sounds like a miserable bastard who is used to getting his own way.

It's your money, please buy things you like (but not chickens as that's different) and don't let him bring you down. Stick your fingers in your ears and let him be negative as long as he doesn't bring you down too.

He’s a fun sponge. A joy vacuum. A black hole of positivity.

I couldn’t live like that.

Your children missing out on the fun of camping because he’s too miserable to sanction you buying a tent? Fuck that.

do you want your kids, when grownup, to continue visiting?

@MzHz

I get you’re disappointed and all that.. but why you’re looking to buy is pretty crap!

Are you so bored that you’re looking for crap to buy?

Chickens attract rats, rip up the garden etc

Trampoline is just a new source for noise in an otherwise peaceful spot

And a family tent is only worthwhile if you ALL love camping.

He clearly doesn’t

Sorry, I’m in Team DH. Save your money and spend it on something that brings you all happiness when this Covid shit is over

It’s not crap if it makes OP happy. Just because you don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s crap, you sound like her DH.

Why has she got to spend her money on things that makes everyone happy? Why can’t she spend HER money on things that make HER happy.

The chicken one, I agree with, I hate camping, DP loves it, we have a tent that he uses and doesn’t expect me to come along. Why would I object to something that makes him happy, should I have told him no to buying it and was to spend the money on things that made me happy too? No,. If a tent makes DP happy then so be it. Not being in the tent makes me very happy.

You have a choice re this man and your children do not. Life with Mr Fun Sponge is no life at all really for your DC either.

What do you get out of this relationship now (other than a roof over your head)?. Women in poor relationships as well often write the "good dad" comment when they have nothing else positive to write about their man. He is NOT a good dad to his DC if he treats you and in turn the DC like this.

What do you think your DC are learning about relationships here?. Would you want your DC as adults to treat their partner like you are?. No but currently at least, you are showing them that this from your H is still acceptable to you on some level.

@ColumboOnTheCase

I’ve got to say my husband is a bit like this Op. I just do/buy what I want regardless. He works hard and is a bit stingy I work hard and I deserve to spend money how I see fit. He will come round to my way of thinking most times but his first reaction is mostly negative.

This is my husband his default position is no. So now I just tell him what I am doing and he comes around in the end. If it’s a small thing I don’t even tell him just buy it. I think it’s just it’s upbringing his parents have some money but live in a house that is falling apart.

I can think of a lot better things to spend money on. Chickens too much upkeep digital photo frame stick photos in album nice to look through together. Family tent well obviously u feel hes not into tent holidays trampolins take room up in garden, but at end of day your money your choice buy your things that mean something to you sod what he thinks. Maybe buying these particular things will give u a sense of doing family things together maybe subconsciously.

@PolPotNoodle

Christ it's so annoying when the LTB bandwagon rolls straight in. Break up your family because he doesn't want to buy chickens!

If Mr Noodle asked me my opinion on any of those things I'd say no to each for perfectly fine reasons. If he bought them without asking me then they're wholly his responsibility and I'm not obligated to be in any way involved with their use or upkeep.

The LTB bandwagon hasn't rolled in because he doesn't want to buy chickens.

It's rolled in because he is miserable and controlling and the OP has admitted that she feels too anxious to ask him for things. That's just no way to live and points to a bad marriage.

He does sound rather controlling. That said I wouldn't want chickens, a trampoline or a family sized tent. Well, I wouldn't object to the tent buying, but I wouldn't want to go camping.

Chickens need a lot of looking after. Who would look after them if you go camping? I loved camping as a child, but I would rather stay home than holiday on a noisy campsite with a trek across the fields to use the loo and showers. A trampoline wrecks the grass, is noisy with screaming children, and can potentially cause injury.

So, I can understand his objections against those. The didgital photo frame is none of his business because it won't impact him in any way.

Chickens would be a joint decision for me, as would a trampoline and a tent. That's mainly because chickens and trampoline affect our garden for everyone, and a new tent to a good spec would be quite a lot of money. All large purchases are talked about and researched here.

Digital photo frame would be a small purchase and not of the level that would warrant consultation.

I don't necessarily think some of his objections are unreasonable if he can give a reason other than 'no because I say so', but his overall attitude, wanting to have the final say on purchases and getting sulky over small purchases isn't healthy.

Does he ask your permission on everything he buys or does? I doubt he does.

Things like buying a digital photo frame or planting daffodils really aren't things that should even be joint decisions. Just go ahead and do them.

Also if you want to camp with your children just buy the things you need. He doesn't have to join in but he can't stop you doing it.

The only thing that should be a joint decision here is the chickens as pets into a household should be something everyone is ok with.

Just start doing and enjoying the things you want. You'll be a lot happier for it and so will your children. Your husband may also start to be more accepting of new things when he actually experiences some happening around him.

Whu do you ask him?

The chickens, fair enough but the rest of it I’d just do it and let him sulk.

He sounds very miserable, but can I ask whether you are usually quite frivolous.

My DH has form for wasting money on things we don't need and have no space for, every month when his wages go in he goes shopping for whatever catches his eye. It does frustrate me so I admit I have commented from time to time.

Christ it's so annoying when the LTB bandwagon rolls straight in. Break up your family because he doesn't want to buy chickens
Its not just about chickens though is it?
Its about being fearful of buying anything.
Couldn't you be arsed to read Op's comments?

@WonderLandWoman

Wow he's hit the roof if I just bought a tumble dryer. I've just said to him that I'd like to take the boys camping for a night on our field at the end of the road in the spring so I will improve the current 2 man tent with air beds and sleeping bags. One adult and two kids will fit in at a squash. I casually said that if he wants to join us, then let me know and I'll choose one of the 5 man tents that I've been looking at on-line.

Why did he hit the roof over a tumble dryer? Honestly you’re saying he’s a good dad but I fail to see how man who is so aggressive over the purchase of a household appliance is actually a good dad.

I hate camping and would never go. DH bought a tent. So according to some posters, I should now make his life miserable as this is not a purchase the entire family will enjoy? Bonkers. He and DC can go camping and have fin, why on earth would I object?