Am I being overdramatic being upset?

[LCScotmum]

Hellooo...I'll try keep this as short as possible!

I'm 29 mum of two amazing little girls and about 2 years out of a horrific mentally abusive marriage. After taking Time myself and to reflect I decided to try online dating! As it will be for everyone else, the pandemic made it more difficult. I met a man online about 7 months ago. He is albanian but I'm not a judgemental person of peoplws background so continued to see him. It turns out he is one of the most caring smart people I've ever came across. We have became very close and he's told me he loves me, I can truly see that in the way he cares for me. He also informed me about 2 months ago that we can't be together forever and that he made an assumption that I would have been like the rest of the women he had encountered and that issues would have appeared and we would go our separate ways. He said he didn't think we would have as good a connection as we have. He said his family wouldn't approve of me because I have children. It made me angry that he got involved with me from the beginning if he knew it was an issue. He says he doesn't want to lose me from his life and if he can't have me as a wife he wants me as a best friend. He doesn't want to lose me. I can tell how genuine he is being and he is stressed about his family. I know he feels guilty for this. I know its a completely different culture but I can't help feel judged and just all round really upset. Part of me thinks If he really wanted to be with me then he would find a way to make it work but then I also think that his parents opinion and the fact his mother has health issues, he doesn't want to disappoint them.

I kind of rambled and it probably didn't make sense but I just wonder if anyone has any experience of family like this? I know I'm probably best cutting contact and trying to get over it, its just hard cause I can see from him how difficult a situation he is in.

You don’t want him as a best friend, though, do you? Genuine question. Please don’t be his guilty secret. You deserve more.

No I don't. I can't even think of feeling like that. I just didn't think in 2021 this would be an issue. I feel almost angry at him. I know myself I deserve to not be a secret. Its.just horrible x

This wont end well. He's using you 'for now' until he gets a better option. How often are you seeing him in person? or is this mostly online still?

We stay together about 3/4 nights a week and have done for months. When we aren't together we talk all the time.

I think you're being blinded by the fact that after your terrible experience with your previous partner, he is actually being nice to you. I've been in the same position.
I'm a great believer of "if he/she/they wanted to, he/she/they would". The fact that he hasn't even tried to talk to his parents about you tells you everything you need to know. He doesn't intend for this relationship to be forever. End it now before you have even deeper feelings. Take time to grieve and then get back out there. Find someone who treats you as you deserve and is willing to commit.

Wow that's got to hurt. Could you give him an ultimatum? You will need to be prepared follow through with it though if it doesn't go your way

There are certain word choices in headings to posts here that indicate to me that someone is/has gone through abuse. And your heading about being 'over dramatic' is an example.

When we are abused we are constantly told our needs are wrong and/or irrelevant. And we internalise this idea. And even when we walk away, it can take us a long time to re-learn that it is ok for us not to be ok with someone else's behaviour.

Best case scenario, this man didn't consider that this might happen and now genuinely feels bad. But what is he saying to you now? Not, 'we need to end things' but 'we can keep seeing eachother, just dont expect any long term commitment'. Can you see how that is not ok? It's not ok and its disrespectful for him to ask this of you.

It also sets things up perfectly for him to play with your head, if he is do inclined. Eg: to show up with another girl one day and be like 'well, I told you we weren't serious'.

Now, I'm not saying that he would do this. But, and especially considering you are still healing from abuse...run. You do not want to get sucked into another mindfucking world of pain.

You know when you can see a car crash waiting to happen, you dont stay in the car just because your radio is playing your faverote song.

Best case scenario, you are not compatable.
And op, you deserve to be happy and find someone who makes you happy. This person will only bring stress, insecurity and pain.

I often think life sends us tests. And if its sending you one right now its 'let's see if she respects herself more than she respects some guy, who he might be playing her like a fiddle'. Its an opportunity to grow as a person, to realise something is not right for you - and choose you.

Part of me thinks If he really wanted to be with me then he would find a way to make it work

This is the bit you need to listen to. Plus the bit about his family not approving of your children. You can’t do that to your children, you just can’t! I wouldn’t be surprised if he disapproves of your children too, or doesn’t want to be their step-father?

Sorry

A while ago he was saying things like " when you meet my parents" it made me hopeful for a future but not long after that he got a phone call from his parents, I couldn't understand but I could tell it was a very heated conversation he was shouting. His parents were suspicious that he was involved with someone with children and went crazy at him. He didn't tell them that he was, but they still got angry even suspecting it. He said he knew it would be a problem but he didn't think it would be such a big problem. I honestly think that has scared him , understandably. It's just a big mess. Smith you are right in that it's been lovely being with someone that treats me nicely and I am like you a believer that if something is meant to be it will be. I still stand by that. Its just a difficult situation. I think I'll probably havr to say to him that if he really wanted to be with me he could make it work. I just feel angry that I'm in a situation like this. Am I a bad person for feeling angry?

Thank you, i really appreciate your words. I am definitely still healing but I think that will be a life long thing.

Honey, he's told you that you don't have a future. He's using you.
He's eventually going to marry someone and it won't be you. You're not going to be happy to be his best friend watching someone else have everything you want for him.
He's not your best friend. He's not your friend at all. Friends don't string you along until they find something more suitable.

You should end it. Now.

Walk away before you're any more involved.

The first relationship after an abusive relationship feels like the most spectacular and special thing in the world. Add in the pandemic intensity and you've got a mixture for hightened emotional connection. But it's largely circumstance.

Walk away before it becomes a life consuming issue.

Hea actually said some lovely things to be honest about its the care and feelings of a person that makes them family, not blood. He asks about them. He said its not that his parents wouldn't accept my children its that they would basically be beyond disappointed if he was in a relationship with someone that had children as they want him to have a family of his own .

As sad as it is, I think your right.

You are not a bad person for feeling angry. But I would be ending this relationship for the sake of the children. You just cannot bring them into a family where they will be looked on as a problem!

I know your right. I'm proud and love my children and I'm also proud that I managed to escape an abusive situation with my ex. I think I just need to take it as abit of shitty life experience..again!

Bit of a strange coincidence that he had just told you about his family and then there happens to be a bad phone argument with them - in earshot of you. Mind you...maybe he had tentatively broached it with them or something and they cottoned on. As long as it wasnt a set up so he has an excuse to give you in order to string you along.

Splann makes a fair point. It doesnt seem like it would be a healthy environment for your kids (or you) to be in. Can you imagine the visits! Sat about miserable, getting the evil eye from the mother in law. Stuck trying to win them over forever and never really managing it. Kids feeling the same way, growing up thinking they should bend over backwards to please people. Not good news.

He had told me previously that it could be an issue and that he has been trying to talk to them and open there eyes to a different culture and how things are different here. Currently his parents don't life in UK but will in afew years. I know for certain it wasn't a set up and it caught him off guard.

Your right wirh the mother in law thing and I really don't know how they would look at my kids if we were to continue but we definitelycouldn't tolerate any judgment on them. I know myself I deserve more. I just wish we didn't get along we well as we do because the only issue seems to be external forces rather than issues between us.

Wanderlusto

I think- in my opinion - that yours is perhaps the most well considered and emotionally intelligent response I have seen on MN yet.
Partially because it resonates perfectly with a situation I have been in - some years ago and learnt from ( painfully but productively) but mainly as it hits every nail on the head in regards to LCScotmum's current dilemma. I hope it helps her obviously, but its been very insightful for me also - thank you

OP
It doesn't need to be a shitty life lesson.
You've just had a relationship with a man who treats you with love and respect.
You can take all of the happy memories forward from this relationship as an example of how you will expect to be treated in future. But now with the addition of acceptance for the kids.
I'm sorry this one isn't for you. But he's not the only man who can love you nor the only man you can love ❤️

Thank you, I know I need to try get into the mindset thinking that. Its just a horrible feeling. I'm going to give an ultimatum at the weekend. I know how it will go but I will feel better in myself if I say everything I want to.

I agree and hope your situation is good now! X

@Claricethecat45
Good to know it helps and I'm not talking a load of shit xD not to say the two things are exclusive I suppose lol.

I think mizmoonshine has a good point op! It's an improvement from the last relationship, there were good times, but that doesnt mean he is the person for you. Take it as practice for the next relationship and so on and so fourth until you find a keeper.

Yes you are all right. I'll see how the weekend goes and then take time for myself again and take it from there! X

What ultamatum though? His family or you? Because how could you trust a man who would choose a gf of 7 months over his family? Either it would bs or he has zero loyalty.

No I don't mean chose me or his family. I'm just going to explain my feelings and that if he doesn't think there is a way to change his family's opinions if they were to know about me then we need to end it now rather than later. If there is no way round it then to finish it . It will hurt but I would rather hurt now than further down the line.