Am I being overdramatic being upset?

[LCScotmum]

Hellooo...I'll try keep this as short as possible!

I'm 29 mum of two amazing little girls and about 2 years out of a horrific mentally abusive marriage. After taking Time myself and to reflect I decided to try online dating! As it will be for everyone else, the pandemic made it more difficult. I met a man online about 7 months ago. He is albanian but I'm not a judgemental person of peoplws background so continued to see him. It turns out he is one of the most caring smart people I've ever came across. We have became very close and he's told me he loves me, I can truly see that in the way he cares for me. He also informed me about 2 months ago that we can't be together forever and that he made an assumption that I would have been like the rest of the women he had encountered and that issues would have appeared and we would go our separate ways. He said he didn't think we would have as good a connection as we have. He said his family wouldn't approve of me because I have children. It made me angry that he got involved with me from the beginning if he knew it was an issue. He says he doesn't want to lose me from his life and if he can't have me as a wife he wants me as a best friend. He doesn't want to lose me. I can tell how genuine he is being and he is stressed about his family. I know he feels guilty for this. I know its a completely different culture but I can't help feel judged and just all round really upset. Part of me thinks If he really wanted to be with me then he would find a way to make it work but then I also think that his parents opinion and the fact his mother has health issues, he doesn't want to disappoint them.

I kind of rambled and it probably didn't make sense but I just wonder if anyone has any experience of family like this? I know I'm probably best cutting contact and trying to get over it, its just hard cause I can see from him how difficult a situation he is in.

Best case scenario is that you let him go now and cut your emotional losses here.

Even if he did stay with you and hos family didn't disown him they would never forgive you for it. They will always think they and he have done you a favour by 'allowing' you. Your children will be tainted. He will come to believe that he has done you a favour.

By any chance are his earnings well below the threshold he'd need to bring his parents over?

Please don't let the isolation of lockdown and your previous abusive relationship blind you from knowing that you deaerve much much better than this.

Sadly, this is a common thing done by men from certain countries.
They believe women from western countries are easy so they target them for relationships when they move to a western country.

His parents will have someone in mind for him to marry when the time is right.

I hope your talk this weekend is good and you don't end up in bed with him. There's no use continuing to be physical with him anymore if this is going nowhere.

Please walk away op - you keep saying that you know he is truthful. You don't. You only know that he says he's telling you the truth.

You also believe he is hurting about the situation because he tells you he is hurting.

It's much more likely that he says both the above to manipulate you.

Right from your first post I got a bad feeling about this man. He is practicing to deceive you I'm sure of it.

Im not buying this Bullshit .... 🙄

He's been online Dating .... Shopping around for someone naive enough to fall into his 'bit if the side' role... 👀

OP ... you sound lovely... you know you deserve so much better than this guy 🌺

i met a man online about 7 months ago. He is albanian but I'm not a judgemental person of peoplws background so continued to see him

What the fuck?! How gracious of you to not be put off that he’s Albanian. Fucking hell

A grown man that thinks his parents opinion is more important that you is massive turn off anyway.

This.

You will never win in this scenario OP.

Why be with a man who hasn't cut the apron strings?

Marrying someone from a radically different culture brings with it huge challenges. At least my ex didn't follow his parents' wishes.

They adore the grandchild though.

Dear God, he’s really done a number on you. If his parents moved to the UK tomorrow, your arse would be gone or you would continue to be his secret.

I don’t know how you can call him straight talking and not a liar when he’s blatantly not being straight talking and honest with his family. His difficulties with being open with his parents is not an excuse to bullshit others.

Your bf is a walking talking cliche. He shags about on the down low and makes all kinds of insinuations about his intent but really, he never had any intention of having a relationship with you in the open. He is one of those types to get married to a family approved woman, while having a bit on the side. Even the ‘I’d want you as a best friend even if you weren’t my gf’ is a cliche, straight out of the ‘my family doesn’t understand me and therefore I’m forced into to living parts of life in secret’ playbook.

This relationship had and has no future because even if his family approved, there would be all kinds of cultural norms that you would be expected to go along with. At present your getting the curated version of him.

Op read the pp its spot on. You have been played like a fiddle.

He selected you, why?
Your profile said you had children, yet he selected you, why?
After all this crap, you want one more weekend with him, why?

You haven't introduced your children to him (please don't)

He hasn't told his family about you & not culturally acceptable

Why did he start a relationship with you ?

End it !

I don't think he has played you. Or at least intended to. But even if they accept you on the surface, they never will deep down. If he takes his family's opinion as gospel now, expect that when they find out about you. And it will be that, that causes you to argue. You will always be an outsider and it's not a nice feeling.

As much as the relationship is lovely now, it's in a bubble. Adding your kids and his family, it will be a completely different dynamic.

Basically, it's not going to end well.

Do better for your children. Please.

Please don’t lose your hard earned self confidence and think that you have been naive because you took everything on face value and have been deceived.

How were you to know?
You thought that you had the same understanding of the approach and parameters of the relationship - he either proactively, or by omission, led you to believe that this RS had a long term future.

It was only at the 5 month mark that he finally told you that throughout he had expected it to fail like all the others and that you having children was a cultural obstacle.

This probably and understandably shocked you. Your body has likely spent the last 2 months building (appropriate) anger whilst your head is resisting the truth of his words and searching for hope.

Maybe they are catching up with each other, but could be derailed by the “hope” you are seeing in the delaying tactics he is throwing your way in the form of distracting bones for you to chew on - ie what his aunt may or may not say - or what he will or will not achieve when he goes home in the summer.

Be proud that you trusted your instincts to post this thread to explore your feelings which ever steps you choose to take next - you have sought support, advice etc so you are more informed in your own decisions.

My only concern is the submissive tone - “let’s wait and see what the aunt says” etc - you are not a passenger in your own life that is directed on the whim of random others. You have deep buried feelings that if you attend to them carefully will guide you making the best decisions and to living an authentic and fulfilling life.

As PP be v selective and choose carefully for your DDs. They deserve way more than what this RS offers.

I'm fully expecting him to go home to visit the parents, and come back married to a suitable Albanian girl. By this point, you'll be so emotionally invested in this man that you'll believe him when he says he was forced to and its only for appearances, and you'll end up being his shameful mistress like he always intended.

Hellooo..I thought I would give an update after the weekend. Thanks for everyone's comments I've read them all and it's gave me a different way to picture things. Yes we have different cultures and upbringings but I do believe the person he has shown me is sincere and truly his thoughts/ feelings.

I went along with the facetime and his aunt was actually very nice, I thought it would be fake niceness but she told him after that I seem lovely bla bla. Anyway... I had a heart to heart with him. Told him afew things that had been mentioned from this thread such as using me.until suitable wife comes along, never being good enough, I deserve more, my kids deserve more and so on. I told him I'm a good person and I don't deserve to be judged and that his parents should be happy he's met someone thats loyal loving etc. I said they wouldn't appreciate me for who I am and I dont want that for me. I said I won't come between a family but also said if he decided to tell his family his feelings and take on board everything I said that thrn we may have a future. I told him that i need space to clear my head and that he knows my feelings for him and on the situation.

As far as I'm concerned it is finished now. I'm sure he will meet someone culturally appropriate for his family. Only time will tell but I do feel relieved if anything that I said how I feel.

Good for you that you spoke up. What was his response to your words?

but also said if he decided to tell his family his feelings and take on board everything I said that thrn we may have a future.

What specifically would this look like - how would you know what he had or hadn’t taken on - what actions would you need to see from him and his family before you reconnect?

Good for you OP. The question isn't really whether he is a good man or a bad one, reliable or not, but whether you and your children need to have this drama in your life. After coming out of an abusive relationship you deserve something much easier than this and I hope you find it.

Yes, I know myself I deserve a man that accepts me fully and my past and sees me for the person I am.

@Sssloou honestly I don't fully know, I doubt it will happen anyway. If anything ie say I'd need a sincere statement for him telling me what he said to his family and what they said about me. Possibly speak to them and hear it from the horses mouth that I wouldn't be judged or my children etc and that they would take time to know Mr personally rather than judging me on my past. Like I said, I really doubt any of this would happen but at least he knows where I stand.

Sorry hun I think hes using you, he can say all the loveliest things in the world but they're just words.
My friend was in the exact same situation, he led her on for years about how theyd get married bla bla bla but he knew all along his parents would never accept her and he was already been promised for an arranged marriage. just because hes saying all the right things you believe him but people will say whatever to get what they want.

I just came across this post and thought I would give an update!

After months and very emotionally draining times. Things have worked out great for us. He is amazing with my kids and has a really nice relationship with them now. He knows they havr a father so is happy to play amln uncle like role. His parents have accepted me and my girls its not the situation that they wanted for their son but said thry can override this due to how I am as a person. They are learning English to communicate with me and I am leaning some albanian aswell.

So yeah! There we have it. If anyone cares haha! A little bit of good news 😂😊

Nice update OP!

Glad that things have worked out for you.

I think you have to see this as a very pleasant interlude in your life. You met someone lovely who showed you how wonderful a loving and non-abusive relationship can be. Sadly a fundamental difference in family values means there is no future in it. It's sad but the sooner you move on the easier it will be for you and your girls.

It's a nice thought that you could be friends or even best friends but it's not always doable, particularly as future boyfriends and girlfriends might have a problem with it. There is also the possibility of sliding into a FWB relationship where you become a couple with everything except commitment. You deserve better than that. A clean break is going to be more painful but will probably be best in the long run.

That doesn't mean you have to be angry or enemies. Just be very clear. It was nice while it lasted but you are looking for a partner not a mate, so now it's time to move on.

Spent ages typing that last one and THEN read your update. I love a happy ending. Yay. ❤️

Thank u! Thank u for taking the time to reply. He tried to make it more friends but in the end couldn't do it. Spend a little time apart and it worked out great in the end.

Thanks ❤