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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being overdramatic being upset?

123 replies

LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 11:11

Hellooo...I'll try keep this as short as possible!

I'm 29 mum of two amazing little girls and about 2 years out of a horrific mentally abusive marriage. After taking Time myself and to reflect I decided to try online dating! As it will be for everyone else, the pandemic made it more difficult. I met a man online about 7 months ago. He is albanian but I'm not a judgemental person of peoplws background so continued to see him. It turns out he is one of the most caring smart people I've ever came across. We have became very close and he's told me he loves me, I can truly see that in the way he cares for me. He also informed me about 2 months ago that we can't be together forever and that he made an assumption that I would have been like the rest of the women he had encountered and that issues would have appeared and we would go our separate ways. He said he didn't think we would have as good a connection as we have. He said his family wouldn't approve of me because I have children. It made me angry that he got involved with me from the beginning if he knew it was an issue. He says he doesn't want to lose me from his life and if he can't have me as a wife he wants me as a best friend. He doesn't want to lose me. I can tell how genuine he is being and he is stressed about his family. I know he feels guilty for this. I know its a completely different culture but I can't help feel judged and just all round really upset. Part of me thinks If he really wanted to be with me then he would find a way to make it work but then I also think that his parents opinion and the fact his mother has health issues, he doesn't want to disappoint them.

I kind of rambled and it probably didn't make sense but I just wonder if anyone has any experience of family like this? I know I'm probably best cutting contact and trying to get over it, its just hard cause I can see from him how difficult a situation he is in.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 11/02/2021 12:41

Good luck!
Just be aware that he might tell you what he thinks you want to hear if he thinks you will walk away otherwise. Trust your gut!

VettiyaIruken · 11/02/2021 12:43

Sounds like his plan is to marry someone "acceptable" and screw you on the side.

Original poster
LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 12:44

Thanks for the warning. I truly feel he will be honest with me. He hasn't lied and I can tell how torn up and how difficult this situation is for him. What will be will be! But I know the answer already.

OP posts:
Monr0e · 11/02/2021 13:15

What does he think being your best friend will look like?

He continued to see and speak to you but also carries on online dating?

Is he staying at your house 3/4 nights a week? Have your daughters also built a relationship with him?

Original poster
LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 13:17

I have no idea what image he has in his head. I know there is no way it could work.

No he hasn't met them. When the kids are with their dad we are together. My children don't know anything about him.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 11/02/2021 13:25

Sounds like his plan is to marry someone "acceptable" and screw you on the side

Spot on comment for me.

Strange he didn't foresee the problem with his parents in advance. I know what my DM's response would have been if I had put too many sugars in her tea.

SelfMadeFantasist · 11/02/2021 13:47

Sorry OP, but he’s wanting you to be a friend with benefits whilst being married to someone without children who fits with his parents idea of a daughter-in-law.

At least he’s been honest about the situation with his parents. Don’t underestimate the weight of cultural differences. Chalk this up to experience and move on.

Original poster
LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 13:50

He definitely doesn't want friends with benefits. Nor be married and have me on the side. I think he hopes we can just be friends and truly means that. I know myself though and I can't do that.

I'm just gona put it down to life experience. I'll see what happens at the weekend and move forward from there.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 11/02/2021 13:51

I'd be bloody furious. He's basically said that he started this relationship with you, a mother, as a fling with no future because of his culture/family's attitude. How lovely that now he's all broken up that he actually likes you, but can't be with you anyway. Those are not the actions of a nice man! He lead you on with his nice, caring behaviour all the time knowing this would never go anywhere.

I agree with pp that when he says he wants you as his friend, he means secret mistress while he gets on with his culture/family appropriate lifestyle and future pure wife.

Sssloou · 11/02/2021 13:59

he made an assumption that I would have been like the rest of the women he had encountered and that issues would have appeared and we would go our separate ways.

I suspect this is what happened with all of the other women as well. Short term RS that he ends.

Wanderlusto · 11/02/2021 14:00

That's a fair point actually - if he wasnt looking for a relationship, why did he pursue one? Did he lie in the beginning too and say it was what he was after?

If he thought 'women on dating aps' were only good for flings and short term fun then firstly, the way he generalised such a huge section of women like that is arguabley a red flag. And second, when he found you were looking for different things, he should have been honest with you.

Ok,maybe he just fell into it and didnt think. But the very fact that its talent him 7 months and a telling off from his parents to go 'oh wait a minute, she is going to be hurt by my actions', shows that he isnt partner material.

Original poster
LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 14:00

@Thingsdogetbetter yes thats my exact feelings that he knew all along that It would be extremely difficult to be together but he didn't expect to feel the way he does. I'm angry at him for getting me into a situation when I was clear from the beginning that I was looking for something with a potential future. I just wanted people's opinions cause I feel almost selfish for being angry when I know he is having a hard time mentally with it also.

I'm an all or nothing girl so I definitely wouldn't be a mistress. I'm going to be completely honest at the weekend say how I'm feeling and take it from there.

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 11/02/2021 14:02

I don't see how people have extrapolated his actions to mean he wants a FWB when married.

He wants a convenient shag for now. It's no more machiavellian than that. Especially a honeymoon stage of a relationship shag.

Original poster
LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 14:05

@Wanderlusto I don't think he done it maliciously or anything. I do believe him when he said that he didn't think me having children would be as big an issue as it is. I believe that time has went on and he's thought it would be ok up until his parents phoned and went mental at him and its made him realise quite how difficult it would be to be together. Or maybe yous are right and it's something else. I hope at the weekend regardless of the outcome that I get some answers

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 11/02/2021 14:07

He's using you.
He wants you as a best friend because you listen to him and he knows you're a nice person. How lovely for him.

The parents things sounds like complete convenient bollocks. A grown man that thinks his parents opinion is more important that you is massive turn off anyway.

You could do so much better then putting up with this shit.

Wanderlusto · 11/02/2021 14:08

I dunno op, I mean unless he is very young or thick as shit...

But tbh I dont believe for a second he didnt know what his parents reaction would be.

Though, at least he has told you now. Before he met your kids and was integrated into your family. Small mercies.

Original poster
LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 14:13

@Wanderlusto your probably right. I think he assumed our relationship wouldn't get to these feelings and now he's panicked.

Yes I am thankful for that! I actually didn't even tell my own parents about it so I'm thankful no one will be upset apart from me.

I just felt selfish for being angry at him but after your comments I feel I'm validated to feel that way.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/02/2021 14:18

Love your own self for a change.

I would also suggest you at the Freedom Programme online if you have not already done so or have heard of it. Your boundaries, already weakened by previous abuse, have indeed been further messed about with by this individual.

Sssloou · 11/02/2021 14:24

Dig deep into you feelings - that’s the only thing that is real in this scenario. I am glad you can do that after years of being subjugated.

Feel that anger.

You own it, feel it, have earned it.

You have been betrayed by this man.

He has done this to many women before.

He intentionally got into a RS knowing it was short term for him. You were crystal clear about your life goals.

He knows he has to find a culturally appropriate wife (I expect it’s not just that you have children, it may also be that you have been married before or religion)

Regarding his parents coming to the UK in a few years time - is he looking for a multi generational set up where his wife cares for his retired parents etc.

He may be lovely - but he knew this wasn’t going anywhere. Be grateful that you are not in deeper - living together, met the DDs etc.

Take the good bits and know that you can have these with someone else. You have done really well to get you and your DD out of an abusive RS.

You all deserve way more than this.

Keep your pride and your dignity. Don’t ask him for an ultimatum - he will just waste more of your time.

Nicolastuffedone · 11/02/2021 14:27

Well, unless he’s never met his parents, of course he knew what their reaction would be! It’s completely disingenuous of him to pretend he’s been blindsided by their disapproval! He’s using you.....walk away

DrMorbius · 11/02/2021 14:34

Just a point, Albania used to be a region I worked. On my list of culturally different countries Albania, would not be on it. I am not at all convinced this "parental" problem is real.

Original poster
LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 14:41

He told me it's seen as taboo culturally but also his family had an issue .his uncle left to be with a woman with children and there was a huge issue so his parents opinion is to stay away from single mothers.

I truly don't think he is a lier and feel he is pretty to the point point he talks.

I'm angry at him and I know now that I'm allowed to feel that way. It's just a crap situation I wish I could have avoided being in to be honest but I suppose life throws these things at us!

OP posts:
stuckinatrap · 11/02/2021 14:42

Incidentally, how does he feel about not having his own children. Do you think that is a factor here too? I mean, his parents might want him to have his own family, but does he?

Original poster
LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 14:53

He has said before he wants a child but not anytime soon. The way he talks about it at times makes me think he is undecided though.

OP posts:
moirarosebabay · 11/02/2021 15:00

@Claricethecat45

Wanderlusto

I think- in my opinion - that yours is perhaps the most well considered and emotionally intelligent response I have seen on MN yet.
Partially because it resonates perfectly with a situation I have been in - some years ago and learnt from ( painfully but productively) but mainly as it hits every nail on the head in regards to LCScotmum's current dilemma. I hope it helps her obviously, but its been very insightful for me also - thank you

Me too! That's so helpful thanks wanderlusto
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