Am I being overdramatic being upset?

[LCScotmum]

Hellooo...I'll try keep this as short as possible!

I'm 29 mum of two amazing little girls and about 2 years out of a horrific mentally abusive marriage. After taking Time myself and to reflect I decided to try online dating! As it will be for everyone else, the pandemic made it more difficult. I met a man online about 7 months ago. He is albanian but I'm not a judgemental person of peoplws background so continued to see him. It turns out he is one of the most caring smart people I've ever came across. We have became very close and he's told me he loves me, I can truly see that in the way he cares for me. He also informed me about 2 months ago that we can't be together forever and that he made an assumption that I would have been like the rest of the women he had encountered and that issues would have appeared and we would go our separate ways. He said he didn't think we would have as good a connection as we have. He said his family wouldn't approve of me because I have children. It made me angry that he got involved with me from the beginning if he knew it was an issue. He says he doesn't want to lose me from his life and if he can't have me as a wife he wants me as a best friend. He doesn't want to lose me. I can tell how genuine he is being and he is stressed about his family. I know he feels guilty for this. I know its a completely different culture but I can't help feel judged and just all round really upset. Part of me thinks If he really wanted to be with me then he would find a way to make it work but then I also think that his parents opinion and the fact his mother has health issues, he doesn't want to disappoint them.

I kind of rambled and it probably didn't make sense but I just wonder if anyone has any experience of family like this? I know I'm probably best cutting contact and trying to get over it, its just hard cause I can see from him how difficult a situation he is in.

In my head I'm telling myself right now to try just have a nice weekend and then finish it after that. Keep thr nice memories from it and learn from it also.

This is your vulnerability and weak spot.

Just one more weekend.

Weekend after weekend after weekend.

As you get deeper and more hurt.

Rip off the plaster.

@kennelmaid I mean it's a possibility but he's been straight with me from the beginning and he's very open wirh his phone and who he speaks to so I would be gobsmacked if that was the case. Never say never though

@Sssloou yes you have a point. I think we need to talk in person at least so if anything I will see him for that reason and take it from there.

I was with someone from another culture whose family didn’t accept me. So I was told. I mean whenever he called them it was in their language which I didn’t understand so I actually only had his word to go on. This is the big problem. He will always be your “bridge” to his family and either they won’t accept you, and will therefore always be pressuring him and waiting for your relationship to fail. Or they may grudgingly accept it but you will only ever know what you are told by him. You can never know for yourself and that puts you at a huge disadvantage. He’ll either keep their criticisms to himself, so you don’t know what’s going on. Or he’ll tell you and you have the frustration of having no way to defend yourself. I’ve been there and it was horrible and made me feel very insecure. It’s also not nice to feel there are people waiting in the wings cheering if things go wrong. And that is the best case scenario, assuming he’s being truthful with you currently.

The worst case scenario is you end up like my friend whose Albanian husband got her to invest in a house for them over there and once it was complete, divorced her, married a woman his family did like, and moved her in there instead! My friend lost thousands. I know you can’t tar everyone with the same brush but this is a danger in getting involved with someone who has a different “home” country. If it all goes sour, trying to deal with divorce in foreign courts isn’t always easy.

Thanks for your insight @Meruem. Yes your right I'm only going by what he is telling me. He has been teaching me some of his language and said I should try to learn. Encouraging me saying his family would appreciate it. Its confusing tbh when he says conflicting things. His parents can speak English also though he has said.

Your right it could be begrudgingly and I know I don't deserve that. Its just a big old mess.

Thats awful for your friend, really awful. I like to think he is very truthful. Why else would he tell me all this stuff and offload his stress on me.

I suppose deep down we don't know people and we can only trust what they say .

He messaged me about half an hour ago and I'm yet to respond. He said he has thought all night about what we spoke about. He said he spoke to his aunt who he is very close to and told her everything. He said she's the most open minded out hid family and she wants to face time tomorrow. She speaks English. He said its a good sign and if his aunt is on side then it's a positive and she may be able to bring his parents round to the idea if she knows more about me and my personality .

It will most likely go down like a lead balloon though knowing my luck. Time will tell

He HOPES his parents will accept you by the summer? Does this tally with the mother who had a screaming fit down the phone at the thought that he might, just might, be seeing a woman with children?

He's a grown man who's afraid his parents will make him go home because his gf is not acceptable to them. Make him go home? Like a naughty teenager?!
Does this sound like a man who will choose you over his family if his parents do not accept you in the summer? Does this sound like a man capable of defying his family for love?

What's his plan if his parents continue to disapprove of you in 5 months time?? Will he suddenly be able to defy them then? He wants you to play happy relationships for months on the overly optimistic idea that his conservative parents will change an ingrained mindset when they find out he's been keeping you secret for months?

If he can't defy his family from miles away now, will he able to face to face?

Both of you are sticking your heads in the sand and hoping this will all just go away.

My fear is
a) he'll chicken out in the summer and you'll remain a permanent secret.
B) he'll go home, tell them, they'll still disapprove and he will not come back.

And that's taking him at face value.

The cynic in me is wondering what his immigration status is. Is he sending money home - which could indicate a wife?

Was his screaming row with his mother in English? I presume not, so you really have no idea who he was arguing with or what it was about! It is not unknown for men (and women to be honest) to have an oblivious spouse at home and an equally oblivious gf in the country they work in.

Actions over words. Every time

I am not hopeful to be honest. He seems to think once they know me personally and my personality that their mind will drastically change but its getting to that point. I really don't know what's going on in his head.

It was definitely his mum as he's shown me pictures and I know her name name it came up on messenger. I could hear his dad also on the call. I know his friends as he has introduced me to them and they seem to think it can be resolved. I really don't believe he is married or anything nor sending money home. He isn't exactly making much money here at the moment! He's legal here also so none of that is a concern.

What will be will be in the end I suppose. Time will tell.

He said his family wouldn't approve of me because I have children.

He told you this upfront, you weren’t listening and your wishful thinking has brought you to where you are now.

Nothing has changed. They don’t. They won’t and he will not go against them. The ball is in your court 100% about how long YOU keep hoping for change.

A while ago he was saying things like " when you meet my parents" it made me hopeful for a future but not long after that he got a phone call from his parents, I couldn't understand but I could tell it was a very heated conversation he was shouting. His parents were suspicious that he was involved with someone with children and went crazy at him.

So you have seen and heard it with your own eyes and ears. You know that they won’t accept you. Why are you continuing to walk into this inevitable shit storm and hurt - are you going to take your DD into this - or even if they don’t meet him have to sense their own mother in distress? Have they not had enough of that already?

I just wish we didn't get along we well as we do because the only issue seems to be external forces rather than issues between us.

They are not external forces. They are his choices. This is central to the RS. This is his pattern. Short term RS and then moves on - you are just number in a series in his prelude to a culturally appropriate marriage. This is what he does to women repeatedly. He has told you this.

He said he doesn't want to end things and he knows he will have to tell them eventually. He said he worries about how his mum will react as she is not well at all.

This is a manipulative delaying tactic. I suspect his Mum is fine. However you are supposed to suck this up - and wait - he is happy to throw you and your DCs happiness under the bus to keep his Mum happy.

*He said he spoke to his aunt who he is very close to and told her everything. He said she's the most open minded out hid family and she wants to face time tomorrow. She speaks English. He said its a good sign and if his aunt is on side then it's a positive and she may be able to bring his parents round to the idea if she knows more about me and my personality .

It will most likely go down like a lead balloon though knowing my luck. Time will tell*

More delaying tactics and future faking? So your life is in the hands of some random aunts opinion (was she not able to express that on the call? When did he call he - last night?) and her ability to talk down a family who hold v strong opinions on a culturally taboo issue.....! Don’t hold your breath. He’s just hoping to schedule in a few more weekend shags before he has to get back on the apps (standard bi annual routine for him - probably stringing you out longer than most because COVID will restrict him starting his next RS)

I do believe he was being 100% truthful and I know how difficult a situation he is in.

Oh dear. It’s you who is in the difficult situation. He is crystal clear that he will conform to his family wishes of marrying and having children with a culturally acceptable wife when the time comes - in the interim he will use woman like you.

Where is the anger that you had deep inside before you spoke to him - did he extinguish it with his banter? Nothing has changed - find your anger again - it’s there to warn and protect you. You are being played here.

All your points are valid and most likely right. I'm letting my emotions take over and I need to try keep them at bay and think logically. I'll see what the aunt says and what he says. I am of the frame of mind that I need to protect myself and like you said, my Dds also. Thry are my absolute priority and I need to be happy for them.

I'll see the weekend through let him say his spiel and whatever else. Youve reminded me of my anger yesterday and I'm gona re read if I feel weak.

I know ending it now emotionally is what's best rather than getting hurt further down the line and even if it was miraculously to work out, a break from the situation will probably do my head good also.

OP get out before you get in too deep because it will get far too painful the longer it goes on.
I got involved with a chap many years ago who had a very dictatorial family and after he had confided in his sister that he was seeing someone who had been married (very strict Catholics) I was dropped as he said he had "Met someone else"
We had been very close, spoke all the time etc, etc.
Many years later I found out via his younger brother that he had been threatened with "disinheritance" (very wealthy family) and was bought a brand new sports car for giving me up!

However I have been happily married for 40+ years to a man who also
had family opposition to our relationship, as I had been married, but he didn't give a hoot about what his parents thought and the fact they didn't come to the wedding, and cut him off for a few years.

What I'm saying OP is that the fact that he is talking about family pressure now and is saying that you can't be together is very telling, they are obviously more important to him than you.
Find someone who doesn't have these complications in his life.

I'll see what the aunt says and what he says.

Really? Why would you do this - leave the power, control and decisions of YOUR life and your DDs lives in the hands of some random aunt?

I'm letting my emotions take over and I need to try keep them at bay and think logically.

I disagree - you are not letting your emotions / feelings through enough to inform you - you are allowing them to be repressed by his spinning tales, throwing you bones, as he tries to keep you on the line for a few more months.

There is only one outcome in the scenario and it involves pain and hurt - it’s just how much you endure depending on when this ends.

I know ending it now emotionally is what's best rather than getting hurt further down the line and even if it was miraculously to work out, a break from the situation will probably do my head good also.

Yes it is. I hope that you have the courage to be kind to yourself and you DDs.

He shouldn't have been dating you full stop!

A huge issue you aren't recognising is that when is parents move here and when you visit there he will go into "Albanian culture" mode.

Likely to be very traditional and misogynistic. This will become a huge issue with two versions of him.

Parents move over, who will they be living with???

OP,
You are with him 7 months, he has very little money and he stays with you already 3/4 nights a week.

I think you are a very vulnerable woman who should be very careful about getting caught up in another abusive relationship.

I think it is extraordinary that you have him half living with you after 7 months.

Obviously if he has very little money your appeal is clear.

You have no idea who he is, what he is, or where he comes from.

All you do know is he earns very little but stays with you 3/4 nights a week.

I really think you should slow down and be very careful.

You don't know him from Adam.....7 months!

I think there is every possibility you are being played, but who knows🤷🏻‍♀️.

Slow down, protect your children and yourself.

I appreciate everyone's comments truly. It gives me a better view and different ways of thinking about it all.

I'm not sure what his plans are for for they come here, I never asked nor did I think about what his behaviour would he like. He's told me what it's like there and the way things are between men and females bur hasn't ever shown me any signs of that so it didn't bother me.

I know deep down what will happen and I'll just take time out for myself, be with my girls and deal with the emotions of it and move on.

Did you write that you had children in your profile? If you did, then it's baffling and bloody annoying that he would even get in touch in the first place (even if he did think that it would go nowhere, based on his previous experiences 🙄).
It's no different to you saying that you can't see him as your parents would disapprove of a foreigner!
YANBU and

@RandomMess makes a very valid point. I married a foreign man and this is exactly what happened. He was a different person when his family were around

@bloodyhairy yes I had that on my profile thats part of my anger at him.

You need to reframe in your head.

He actually isn't a decent bloke. He was on there looking for someone to "date" not to have a long term relationship with.

@RandomMess

Yup. A single mother is good enough to shag, but not to meet the parents.

@RandomMess

You need to reframe in your head.

He actually isn't a decent bloke. He was on there looking for someone to "date" not to have a long term relationship with.

Exactly.....someone he could use, who had a nice home and was nicely set up.

OP, for goodness sake please protect yourself.

Your naivety makes you so vulnerable.

He knew exactly what he was doing and you are being played.

His parents are moving to the UK....to stay with him? He who has so little money.

Are you paying for everything whilst he lives with/off you part time?

[quote LCScotmum]@bloodyhairy yes I had that on my profile thats part of my anger at him.[/quote]
He may have even targeted you for that.

It becomes a handy little get out of jail card which I am sure he has pulled from his sleeve time and time again (“the issues” that normally plague his RS) - an impossible obstacle.

BUT one that he knew about from
day one (culturally taboo, personal family rift with uncle etc) but chose only to share with you 5 months in when things start getting close and become “dangerous” for HIM.

Find your rage and your fury.

As PP says HE should not have led you on for 5 months.

Know that he is spinning it out still with “wait til what the aunt says”
“going to speak to Dad in summer”

Don’t let him continue to exploit and use you.

I'm starting to find my anger again. I need to focus on these things.

No I don't pay for everything. We are fairly even or he pays for most things actually. It'd not that he has no money but he's not wealthy in anyway. His parents coming here is q while away so assume he will be prepared for that at that time.

I'm really naieve I think. Annoyingly so that I've let emotions be involved. I don't doubt that his feelings are real. I just think he didn't anticipate feeling them.

I'll just focus on my anger and try to see that through

"Its difficult when I can see he is hurt about it also."
You are mothering him. If you told me he was 18yrs old I might believe his bullshit.
People don't go online to meet best friends. They dont normally assume that issues will arise that will mean the break up of the relationship.
He sounds exceptionally immature. Who.is that afraid of their parents??
I'd say you are not the only woman he has on the go. Sorry but he's stringing you along. He has told you he is, but you are not listening.
Now it's he'll tell them this summer.
Why wait til then?? Really, why does he need to wait?
If his mother is sick it should cheer her up that her son has met a lovely partner. But no, seems like you are A Problem.
There's more wrong with this lad than him acting like he's aged 8.

I don't mean to sound harsh here because I understand your pain...however

Do you really even want to be with a man who is controlled by his parents (I'm assuming is a man and not about 18?!)

If they "accept" you then great. But what else will they control in his life next? Will they look down their noses on your forever? If you were to give him a child how controlling will they be regarding your child?
Will you end up resenting each other for all of this?