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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being overdramatic being upset?

123 replies

LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 11:11

Hellooo...I'll try keep this as short as possible!

I'm 29 mum of two amazing little girls and about 2 years out of a horrific mentally abusive marriage. After taking Time myself and to reflect I decided to try online dating! As it will be for everyone else, the pandemic made it more difficult. I met a man online about 7 months ago. He is albanian but I'm not a judgemental person of peoplws background so continued to see him. It turns out he is one of the most caring smart people I've ever came across. We have became very close and he's told me he loves me, I can truly see that in the way he cares for me. He also informed me about 2 months ago that we can't be together forever and that he made an assumption that I would have been like the rest of the women he had encountered and that issues would have appeared and we would go our separate ways. He said he didn't think we would have as good a connection as we have. He said his family wouldn't approve of me because I have children. It made me angry that he got involved with me from the beginning if he knew it was an issue. He says he doesn't want to lose me from his life and if he can't have me as a wife he wants me as a best friend. He doesn't want to lose me. I can tell how genuine he is being and he is stressed about his family. I know he feels guilty for this. I know its a completely different culture but I can't help feel judged and just all round really upset. Part of me thinks If he really wanted to be with me then he would find a way to make it work but then I also think that his parents opinion and the fact his mother has health issues, he doesn't want to disappoint them.

I kind of rambled and it probably didn't make sense but I just wonder if anyone has any experience of family like this? I know I'm probably best cutting contact and trying to get over it, its just hard cause I can see from him how difficult a situation he is in.

OP posts:

thosetalesofunexpected · 11/02/2021 15:01

@LCScotmum

No op you are defiantly not a bad person for feeling justly angry that you have stumbled into this kind of situation.

The Just anger shows that you are on the right path of healing and that you are now in touch with gut/emotional instincts that were previously trambled on in your past toxic shit relantship with former husband.

I too feel that this is one of those life tests to help you gain/grow emotionally.
(to check that you have healthy sound robust boundaries in place so you do not allow yourself to be disrespected in relantships.

Its a really good sign op !

Anger emotion is your Primeval gut/emotional instinct showing that either your personal boundaries could be breeched(disrespected) or have been.

Anger can be a instinctive Constructive emotion !

It shows reveals that you op have been justly mistreated !

Its like a wake up call !

thosetalesofunexpected · 11/02/2021 15:03

@LCScotmum

Oops typo mistake I ment to say your Anger reveals that you have been unjustly mistreated and have every right to be Angry Op

Original poster

LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 15:20

Thank you @thosetalesofunexpected I just struggle sometimes to know if I am being overly emotional and what is acceptable things to complain about. I think its a result of past relationship but I will learn eventually!

OP posts:

Sssloou · 11/02/2021 15:24

He told me it's seen as taboo culturally but also his family had an issue .his uncle left to be with a woman with children and there was a huge issue so his parents opinion is to stay away from single mothers.

There you go. This is the lived, breathed, up close and personal experience of his family. He 100% knows what his parental expectations are and what their reaction would be. He had zero plans to be with you long term.

YOUR heart and body knows this because you are ANGRY - even if your head is still trying to catch up with the denial and JADE tactics (justify, argue, defend, explain)

Your emotions are your truth.

StellaAndCrow · 11/02/2021 15:25

"I think you're being blinded by the fact that after your terrible experience with your previous partner, he is actually being nice to you."
Wow, thank you, 6079SmithW , that's just helped explain a previous relationship to me, we were never suited, but just the fact that he was actually nice to me, and really wanted a relationship with me, stopped me thinking about whether or not he was right for me or whether I wanted to go out with him.

StellaAndCrow · 11/02/2021 15:28

I may have become cynical with age, but I wouldn't be surprised if he tells you the reason he can't marry you is because you've got children, then ends up marrying someone with children.

StellaAndCrow · 11/02/2021 15:28

And you are right to be angry - what he is asking isn't OK.

Original poster

LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 15:32

@StellaAndCrow maybe you are right! I think he will go with someone his family deem perfect. I think image matters alot more than the person themselves.

OP posts:

toocold54 · 11/02/2021 15:41

He also informed me about 2 months ago that we can't be together forever and that he made an assumption that I would have been like the rest of the women he had encountered and that issues would have appeared and we would go our separate ways.

He just wants a friends with benefits situation. He is happy to have sex as long as you know it can never be anything more. If you are happy with that then continue but if not then get back onto the online dating and find someone else.

ittakes2 · 11/02/2021 16:02

You've dated him for 5 months and he has been honest with you about your future. I think that it means something that he has been honest. Lots of men strong women along for years! You should take a step back. He will have to decide how much he wants you.

Original poster

LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 16:25

@ittakes2 exactly. I will say everything I want to at the weekend. If someone is meant to be it will, if it doesn't happen then it's simply not what's meant for me. I don't doubt that he will be upset about it finishing but I know I need to know for sure what Is happening before it starts affecting me even more.

OP posts:

StellaAndCrow · 11/02/2021 16:25

Actually I'm not keen on him for saying that all these other women have had "issues" (or that there have been issues). If he wants you he's going to have to do better, treat you better and think about your feelings!

Mermaidwaves · 11/02/2021 16:31

Step away OP he has told you that there is no future, listen to this warning. So many women try and explain away mens shitty behaviour, myself included, because we care about them. You have every right to be angry! He's led you on knowing his culture and now wants you in his life but without commitment. Sod that! when he meets a woman he likes and who his family approve of it will break your heart. You and your children deserve better, walk away now OP.

Original poster

LCScotmum · 11/02/2021 16:38

@mermaidwaves yes you are spot on. Its a horrible situation. I think if I say what I want to I will at least feel better than I got to say my feelings on the choices he made. Hopefully I'll learn from this also

OP posts:

Original poster

LCScotmum · 12/02/2021 10:43

Thank you everyone for your comments it made me have the courage to say how I felt so I thought I'd give an update if anyone was interested.

I spoke to him last night and said that I felt used and that he never took me seriously if he knew his family would be this way and that he's really hurt me. I think I took what he said about what he expected me to be like the wrong way. He was really hurt by the way I viewed it but after talking he could understand it. He said he expected us to be like the majority or relationships and issues to arise and then it ends. He said he loves me very much and doesn't want to end things. He said deep down he doesn't want to be friends and that he is scared for how his family reacts. He said he knew from the beginning it would be an issue with me having kids. He said his parents wouldn't treat me differently or horribly, nor my kids. They just wouldn't be happy with it. He said he didn't think it would be the humongous issue that it is and thought after afew weeks they would calm down to the idea and it would all be fine. He said he doesn't want to end things and he knows he will have to tell them eventually. He said he worries about how his mum will react as she is not well at all. He wants to stay together and if we have been together for a period of time, when he tells them how long we have been together they will know that he takes me seriously. He said if he tells them now his whole family will pressure him to go home and leave me and said its the last thing he wants. I said i didn't want to tear a family apart nor do I want to be viewed as not good enough etc. He said he knows after a period of time that they will see me for who I am and love me for who I am and my kids.
I do believe he was being 100% truthful and I know how difficult a situation he is in.

Im still torn with what to do so I'm going to have a long think what I want.

OP posts:

MizMoonshine · 12/02/2021 10:51

Oh God, OP. He's keeping you sweet. Of course he doesn't want the relationship to end. It didn't have to yet because no one knows about you.

He can't promise that you and your children won't be treated poorly by his parents and family. They don't approve of you, they're only every going to tolerate you.

I think you know this isn't going to work. But we can't force you to walk away.

Original poster

LCScotmum · 12/02/2021 10:56

Your probably right. I told him I want to think about what I want and if I can trust what he says. I'm gona have a hard think on it and what I want.

OP posts:

BettyBooth · 12/02/2021 11:00

@Silenceisgolden20

He's using you. He wants you as a best friend because you listen to him and he knows you're a nice person. How lovely for him.

The parents things sounds like complete convenient bollocks. A grown man that thinks his parents opinion is more important that you is massive turn off anyway.

You could do so much better then putting up with this shit.

Yep.

Sssloou · 12/02/2021 11:01

He said if he tells them now his whole family will pressure him to go home and leave me and said its the last thing he wants.

Is this consistent? I thought he already had a volatile phone call with them about you?

Original poster

LCScotmum · 12/02/2021 11:02

I did tell him I can't be friends and that I'm not prepared to even attempt to be friends. He agreed it would be difficult and really its not something he wants either.

He said when he goes to visit his parents in the summer he wants to speak to his dad about it and see his reaction. Whether we are together then is another kettle of fish.

OP posts:

Original poster

LCScotmum · 12/02/2021 11:04

@Sssloou not me specifically but they suspected he was with a woman who had children. He didn't deny nor confirm it

OP posts:

Sssloou · 12/02/2021 11:28

He said when he goes to visit his parents in the summer he wants to speak to his dad about it and see his reaction. Whether we are together then is another kettle of fish.

FFS. This is future faking. How dare he relegate you and postpone your life until the summer when he goes to chat with his Dad!

Hilarious. Does he expect you to tolerate his totally disrespectful treatment of you?

This is exactly how every other RS he has had has ended - with this issue.

However he did tell you this 2 months ago and maybe you thought he would change his mind? Or it has taken time to sink in?

Honestly you and your girls deserve much much more than this from him - never mind his parents.

All 3 of you have already had enough trauma to recover from - you don’t need this complexity on top.

Original poster

LCScotmum · 12/02/2021 11:33

He did tell me two months ago and yes I think partly it has took time to sink in and also because he has said things like when you meet my parents bla bla . I think he's judt confused and I've brought up the fact that its judt over complicated and probably best to go our own ways but he is insistent on trying to make it work.

Hes coming to mines over the weekend and I'm going to talk about it further. I know I deserve more than to be judged when I'm a good person thats judt had a crap time. My past relationship outcome doesn't define me as a person.

Hes said he's trying to make them more open minded to things but it is a work in progress.

In my head I'm telling myself right now to try just have a nice weekend and then finish it after that. Keep thr nice memories from it and learn from it also.

Its difficult when I can see he is hurt about it also.

OP posts:

MizMoonshine · 12/02/2021 11:40

You have to protect yourself, not him. Your feelings, not his.

kennelmaid · 12/02/2021 11:47

Sorry, but I'm thinking wife/fiancee back home is the issue, not parents.

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