In love with an unemployed single dad and worried about the future

[InLoveAndLost]

Hi all, long time Mumsnet user but have NCed for this as I think some of the details might be outing if pieced together with the rest of my posting history.

I have been dating for 6 months the nicest man ever. We used to work together but he quit his job right before the pandemic hit and he has been looking for work for a year now. He is 45, separated 18 months ago, with two DC (8 and 12). He has his DC 50% of the time and an amicable relationship with the ex wife.

For context, I am 30, never married, no DC, with a decent career in HR.

He is hands on the funniest, most caring, sexiest man I have ever been with. As I have been furloughed until recently, we spent a lot of our free time together just chilling, cooking, watching movies and going for walks. I know I am falling in love with him and he said he feels the same. We are honestly on cloud 9 when we are together, I have never felt like this about anyone before.

However, now that we have been dating for a while, there are a couple of things that make me hesitant about the long-term prospects of our relationship:

• The fact that he has DC and doesn't want anymore, whilst I am still on the fence on the topic. I have never dated anyone with DC before so I am not sure how that'd work.
• The fact that he seems to bend over forward for his ex-wife whenever she clicks her fingers. They are good friends, which I am sure is a positive thing for the kids, but sometimes their relationship makes me feel uncomfortable and insecure about where I stand as they still seem to be so close.
• The fact that he has now been unemployed for a year and doesn't seem to have a solid plan in place to get out of the situation, besides applying for a few jobs every week. His field is not in great demand, and his job history is spotty as he was a professional sports coach for 10 years, until he joined his ex wife's company in a admin support role (that's the job he quit last year). He is still doing ok money wise as he has a big lump sum he got upon selling the marital home last year, but I have no idea how long that will last.

I swing between feeling madly in love with this wonderful man and feeling sick with worry that I am wasting my time on an impossible relationship. I wonder what kind of future is possible with someone with such different and complex personal circumstances.

Am I worrying for nothing? Should I just just enjoy the relationship for as long as it lasts? Or should I seriously reconsider having a future with this man?

I think there's a lot of harsh comments here. He has children, and he's been honest about not wanting more from the start. He's not been misleading on this.
I can understand him not wanting to work with his ex wife, which might explain the job situation. It's very hard to find a job at the moment so let's not judge him too harshly there. Especially as he has 50% childcare to uphold. If it was a woman not working for the same reasons I feel everyone would be a little more understanding.
OP, you're having fun, in every other respect he sounds like he ticks your boxes. I think you're already in deep enough that this will hurt to break it off. Why not continue and see what happens when lockdown ends and he has more of a chance to find a job? That's not committing to him, it's enjoying the ride and seeing where it goes

Unless she definitely doesn't want children, she's far better off calling it a day here, than getting in deeper and "seeing where it goes".

No way I'd pursue a relationship with a guy who has already explicitly said he doesn't want more children if I were thirty and had none myself.

You sound very young. Impressionable and impressed by him. There's a 15 year age age gap, and he's at a totally different stage of his life. He's got teens. And you want kids.

Worse still he quit his job? With no jib to go to? And do has had no furlough for the last year? He's earns nothing. Just spent the money from selling his house. Oh my word. Can't you see that at that age he had responsibilities. You don't quit. Until you've found another job. Unless it's an emergency and your do bullied your MH needs saving. Or you get another job immediately. So you don't witter away your house equity. Which your'll need for a deposit, for the house you buy mortgage with your next partner.

He sounds like a good time boy. A waster with low motivation. The best fathers are like my Dh, solid dependable, will do what needs to be done.

I fear you don't have the maturity and emotional intelligence and experience to be experiencing the red flags that should be telling you to run run run.

If you are 30 and are willing to be with a 45 year old, get yourself on online dating and you will find you have an enormous selection of funny, employed, middle aged divorcees, possibly without children.

I think you should start looking more closely at the money.

You definitely need to get it out of your mind tat his ex wife will support him if necessary as she makes plenty of money.

Adults who have children can rarely afford to have a year off work.,and just because he's having them fifty percent of the time doesn't mean he doesn't need an income. They need a roof over their heads. Food, shoes. Hopefully soon they will need after school sports, entertainment etc.

"He wanted to get out there and build a life, an identity, and a career for himself away from his ex-wife.

I think the idea was noble and potentially right, it is just that he wasn't very realistic about his career prospects. I think he overestimated how attractive his profile might be on the job market, and of course he couldn't have predicted the pandemic."

OP You are far too sweet natured. You see the good in everyone. Have you ever been hurt? Where's your ruthlessness and self protection?

Your view of him is HR bullshit.
He had plans? To 'find himself'? FFS
So what did he do about this? Did he plan it for a whole year? Whilst still working? Make plans and apply apply? Line up the next thing before he quit his wife's job? No. He did fxxk all.

How can you not see this?

Stop wasting your precious time. Get dating with someone who wants to have kids. If you are already 30 you don't actually have that much time.

This sounds more like lust....
Personally if you were my daughter( im 60) I would be telling you to think very carefully !
It all sounds fun and no doubt he's enjoying you etc ....But the future sounds grim ...Stepchildren is not easy , you will always be second best , you may want children yourself one day, he doesn't sound too bothered about finding work ( covid may be an excuse)...The relationship with his ex ( of course good for the children) but you don't need that! Too many red flags , you deserve a lot more and you have far too much to lose ...you're young . Hes besotted, why wouldn't he be? Sound's a lovely chap but let him sort out his life and I'd advise you to move on ....x

I think he is just throwing you a bone with the CV thing. He left his job in Jan - met you end of summer and only at some point after that dig you grapple with his CV .... so sounds like a long 9+ months he wasn’t bothering to make the best (any?) effort to get a job. How “spotty” was his career if he has been working in admin for the past 10 years in same large company as his wife? Sounds pretty solid to me. Also his admin skills would make writing and structuring a CV v easy and there are millions of templates etc online.

But it seems he can’t be arsed until he needed to pretend to be productive when he met you and then you got roped into redrafting his CV.

What else is going on in your life OP? Are you lonely? Do you have friends and a social life? Are your family supportive? Are you an ex pat as well?

I think the kids is the issue. It’s a lot of him to ask you not to have kids.

@Sssloou

I think he is just throwing you a bone with the CV thing. He left his job in Jan - met you end of summer and only at some point after that dig you grapple with his CV .... so sounds like a long 9+ months he wasn’t bothering to make the best (any?) effort to get a job. How “spotty” was his career if he has been working in admin for the past 10 years in same large company as his wife? Sounds pretty solid to me. Also his admin skills would make writing and structuring a CV v easy and there are millions of templates etc online.

But it seems he can’t be arsed until he needed to pretend to be productive when he met you and then you got roped into redrafting his CV.

What else is going on in your life OP? Are you lonely? Do you have friends and a social life? Are your family supportive? Are you an ex pat as well?

Well I think my life is pretty full (or as full as it can be during Covid!). I have a good job, lovely friends, a loving family back at home. I am indeed an expat here, but I don't feel lonely. I have many hobbies and interests, and I am studying toward professional qualifications (also got some during this year of furlough).

I don't feel especially "vulnerable". It is just that my bf and I really clicked and what we have is hard to give up, even though I now see that it might be in my best interest to do so.

@Oblomov21

"He wanted to get out there and build a life, an identity, and a career for himself away from his ex-wife.

I think the idea was noble and potentially right, it is just that he wasn't very realistic about his career prospects. I think he overestimated how attractive his profile might be on the job market, and of course he couldn't have predicted the pandemic."

OP You are far too sweet natured. You see the good in everyone. Have you ever been hurt? Where's your ruthlessness and self protection?

Your view of him is HR bullshit.
He had plans? To 'find himself'? FFS
So what did he do about this? Did he plan it for a whole year? Whilst still working? Make plans and apply apply? Line up the next thing before he quit his wife's job? No. He did fxxk all.

How can you not see this?

I can see that he has been unrealistic and superficial in his decision-making. I can see how down and depressed his unemployment is making him and how much he struggles emotionally with the rejections, so I doubt that he quit his job thinking he was going to be unemployed for 1+ years.

OP,

Harsh but bang on advice above.

I believe that if you had an honest appraisal from his wife it would be an eye opener.....

Lots of men in their mid 40's would adore to give up their job, so many would love to take time out, but they know they can't because they have children to financially support.

That he would ditch his job without another one to go to is so unbelievable at his age, and so selfish.

It tells you who he is at his core.

His wife is the grown up in that family.

The one who can't ditch her job, why? ......because she has children that need supporting financially and she has a feckless husband.

I bet she is delighted to be rid of the weight of a 45 child...

He's looking for another grown up and has found you, a lovely package, nice and young with a career.

I don't doubt he's very keen on you, why wouldn't he be?.....you sound lovely, a great catch.

But his situation will get very old, just like him.

Don't waste a couple of years with him, and then trying to get over him.

You need to think with your head and not be lead by your heart....

Well I think my life is pretty full (or as full as it can be during Covid!). I have a good job, lovely friends, a loving family back at home. I am indeed an expat here, but I don't feel lonely. I have many hobbies and interests, and I am studying toward professional qualifications (also got some during this year of furlough).

This is great. It’s obvious that you are a well rounded productive ambitious and competent woman with a lot of solid family and friends support.

Have you discussed the situation with any of them? If not what do you think they would want for you and what would they advise?

I have to say, I don't see it that way. I find a lot of comments depressing. How dare he try and make himself happy? Give the guy a break it's not a race to the bottom. Good for him for having a positive relationship with his ex. As long as he's doing all the right things to now try and get back on his feet. He sounds lovely and so many women are in really unhappy relationships but they stay because their dull, emotionally stunted husband brings in the money, or worse they end up financially dependent on that. The one big thing that would make me question the relationship however is the fact he doesn't want kids and you might do. That's unfortunately irreconcilable...

I don't think he can use the 50% care of his kids as a reason not to work. I left my ex-husband when my kids were just 3 and 6 and have never stopped working. I had to because 50/50 = no maintenance or anything like that. I had to support my children. My ex earns at least 7x what I do but that's of no relevance where care is 50/50. It's down to me when they are with me and yes it's a huge struggle but we get by.

@Oldat40

I don't think he can use the 50% care of his kids as a reason not to work. I left my ex-husband when my kids were just 3 and 6 and have never stopped working. I had to because 50/50 = no maintenance or anything like that. I had to support my children. My ex earns at least 7x what I do but that's of no relevance where care is 50/50. It's down to me when they are with me and yes it's a huge struggle but we get by.

Exactly - people always throw the "double standards" line out there. But all over the country there are women who have their children 50% of the time or a lot more and still manage to work. A man having his children 50% of the time and choosing not to work is not noble just because he has testicles.

When I was out of work, applying for a job was a full time occupation!
Do you see that level of commitment or is it a nod to it to keep you quiet

@Oldat40

I don't think he can use the 50% care of his kids as a reason not to work. I left my ex-husband when my kids were just 3 and 6 and have never stopped working. I had to because 50/50 = no maintenance or anything like that. I had to support my children. My ex earns at least 7x what I do but that's of no relevance where care is 50/50. It's down to me when they are with me and yes it's a huge struggle but we get by.

Just out of curiosity, are kids-related "extra costs" split 50/50 between you and your ex? I am referring to things like sports activities, private courses, clothes, shoes and so on?

I have never asked my bf what arrangement he has with his ex in that regard, but he mentioned a few things that hid kids do that sound expensive so I was wondering who is paying for that (I kept it to myself though!).

@forrestgreen

When I was out of work, applying for a job was a full time occupation! Do you see that level of commitment or is it a nod to it to keep you quiet

It sounds to me like he is trying hard to find a job but will little strategy/ vision, so his efforts are unfocused. He then gets really down when he gets rejection emails or no replies at all. I don't think he doesn't care about finding a job, I think he feels powerless and helpless and doesn't know how to fix this mess he put himself in.

Yes they should be . You are going to end up funding this man when he has no money left .

You are going to end up funding this man when he has no money left

Definitely.
Do you own your own property OP?

In any case, once his capital starts dwindling he'll be looking to save on rent. So just be careful.

He's going to suck you right into a boring mid 40's lifestyle, with you paying for everything. No way!! This happened to one of my best friends and now she's paying the mortgage on a 4 bed house bc HiS kids needed bedrooms meanwhile she will never have kids and is stuck with his sulky teenage girls for half the time.

Is he looking up courses to improve his employability? It sounds half assed.

He has literally nothing to offer you. That doesn’t mean he’s not a ‘nice enough guy’ but all the efforts he’s made to lovebomb you and entertain you with old, old stories of who he used to be when he was your age are a push to pin down a dynamic younger partner who will (he hopes) end up taking care of him.

Do yourself a favour and move on. And the coke usage is an embarrassment.