Fucking men!

[StoryOfMyFuckingLife]

I am 46. I'm about a stone overweight. I'm atractive enough but no one is going to offer me a modelling contract. I'm single. I'm always fucking single or just about to make myself single again.

In the past 5 years, I've dated two men. Both for less than a year and both I dumped for crimes against respect and decency.

In the past 5 years alone, I've lost a friendship group because one of the married men in it made a really obvious play for me, was far too attentive, giddy when I was nearby and i ended up withdrawing from the group because I didn't like it and it was, quite frankly, embarrassing. I didn't fall out with anyone because I did nothing wrong but friendships dwindled once i started avoiding group stuff because of it.

I've lost another close male friend (he was married and I was close to his wife too) because, after making a pass at me when she was out of the room on one occasion and me rejecting him, he later contacted me to tell me he was in love with me which means I've lost her too.

I could have lost another friend because her husband 'developed feelings' for me - he actually told her he'd fallen in love with me . Fortunately, she is the most amazing woman ever and told me at the time that he was an idiot but she couldn't bear to lose me as a friend. We worked really hard on saving our friendship. They worked things out and it's now like that blip never happened (fortunately).

I've moved on, i've made new friends... every time it happens, i move on and make new friends. And it just happens again.

I dated someone for a few months last year (the second of the two men). I met him through friends. So we have mutual friends/acquaintances in common. Three couples mainly although the wife of one doesn't socialise much with us and has her own friends.

Of the three men... two of the three have made it known for a while that, if I were interested, they would be too. They've both declared love

The third? Well I don't know him well. He's socially awkward, quiet and a bit irascible. And then, tonight, he messaged me to say he was sorry to hear that the his friend and I had split up (4 months ago!) He's never seemed particularly interested in getting to know me or talking to me so i was surprised at his sudden friendliness...

You know where this is going...

Just pisses me off and makes me feel really sad. I know that none of these men are actually interested in me. Of these four men, one I was seeing but he never thought I was good enough for him because I'm not 28 and hot. And the other three are in relationships telling me how attractive I am and how much they fancy me.

Of all the men who have declared love to me over the past 10 years, I haven't been in a relationship with any of them and none of them have been single.

It's just fucking shit.

What is fucking wrong with them??

@mumieone

This is going to sound a little insane. Bear with me. I have a very close friend who dresses very provocatively but she is single and looking and everyone who is married in our circle knows this.e. Xmas day function I invited her to consisting of couples, families (in a party atmosphere with drink and dancing). She opted to wear mini dress and low cut dress with half her boobs pushed up and on display. When I picked her up I said wow....you know it's mostly a family vibe you are dressed very sexy. She replied so what I'm single and it's Xmas.

Well...at the party the men were really embarrassed to look but it's hard not to when you have it all on show. It's normal to look!!

She felt uncomfortable and borrowed a scarf at the party to cover cleavage - totally inappropriate dress sense.

IShe is not a tart ..she is a really lovely lady. All the men in relationships like her and so many married men want to date her.

Are you over friendly and do you dress like this......

Give over.

In an ideal world you would be able to be friends with both partners of the married couple but you seem to be in the danger zone given your age and the stage of life these men are at. Of course not all married men will chance it but some will. I agree with the previous advice re shutting down any one on one communications and maybe try to keep the main relationship with the female? Also maybe make a point at sometime when the men are there that you have would never be interested in a married man and find it pathetic if they make advances - just in case they had any ideas so you head it off at the pass so to speak. It is a shame you would have to do this but you need to start protecting yourself.

From your posts you don't sound at all like the kind of faux innocent "no idea why this is happening to me" person who is wildly flirting at the same time. Just bad luck, bad life stage and the good luck to be a woman who has an attractive vibe.

Keep pursuing friendships and trying to find the right man for a relationship - it is a hard time being single after a certain age but if you are open to new men and maintain standards I am sure you will find a keeper and these problems will be a thing of the past

@StoryOfMyFuckingLife

Ok. So if I were wearing sexy, tight dresses with my boobs pushed up and high heels, it would be my fault for what I'm wearing?

And wearing jersey skater dresses with DMs and a cardigan is also too provocative?

What about when I wear just above the knee wrap dresses with knee high boots? Is that alluring too?

I'd love to know what i should be wearing..! 🙄

A burkha???

But seriously, a lot of people like to say that married women are "threatened" by happily single women. That might be true sometimes, but in my experience it is married men who are actually more likely to be threatened by happily single female friends of their wives (even if they would never admit it even to themselves). Especially happily single women who dont appear to be bothered about finding a man or looking super attractive to men. Do you come across as quite confident and independant?
If that is the dynamic driving this then nothing you wear will make any difference to how they act.

This thread is so fucking depressing. Not only because of the twattish male behaviour on display, but also the (I assume predominantly) female views that the OP is somehow inviting the unwanted attention due to... I don't know what. Wearing a dress? Daring to speak to a married man? Fucking existing?

OP, fwiw, you sound amazing, and I'm sorry that you've had to put up with such dickish behaviour both off and on the thread. It's really not you.

But depressing that the first post already seeks to blame the woman!

Of course. I mean, how dare women dress in sexy clothes. They are just asking for men to stare at them - they just can't help it the poor dears.

@StoryOfMyFuckingLife

your view on how much the wives care and why it matters to you is I suspect the root of your problem.

Could you explain what you mean by this please?

Everytime someone posts on here about a partner having an affair, yes, the responses are that, whilst it's the married man's fault, women have a responsibility to not engage.

And besides, I'm pissed off because i just don't like it.

No one would like any aspect of a situation like this, the inappropriate messages or the responsibility it places on you.

It’s all a question of how you respond to that responsibility. Yes, you can tell the spouse. Or you can block and stop it right there and then and not let it grow legs.

I don’t think that any of this is about you but very much about the kind of people you’re socialising with, their egos and their disrespect. You don’t need to be centre stage in these situations. Yes, it’s irritating but can just be quickly batted away.

I worked with a woman who constantly bemoaned messages men would send her on sm. We told her simply to block them. She wouldn’t. I think she actually enjoyed the attention so then the question is about self esteem.

As for the friends hubby who told his wife that he was in love with you, he can’t possibly mean love. He meant limerence.

What the fuck am I reading here???

@StoryOfMyFuckingLife you already know this but to reiterate IT’S OK FOR YOU TO WEAR DRESSES.

Sounds like you’ve attracted some very insecure wives who see all single women as the enemy.

It’s because you’re single. That’s it. My sister is single in her 40s. As soon as her marriage broke up that was it. Friends husbands crawling out of the woodwork.

They didn’t love her. They didn’t give a shit about her. She was single and in their eyes easy pickings.

They would have happily fucked her and moved on without a backwards glance.

It’s a weird phenomenon with women who are still single at a certain age. And it’s fucking depressing.

Why are men? 🤮

@WarmKitty "As for the friends hubby who told his wife that he was in love with you, he can’t possibly mean love. He meant limerence."
Either limerance, or he didnt want his wife to be friends with someone who he felt threatened by. Telling your wife you love her friend (or have feelings for her) is the fastest way to make sure they drop that friend like a hot potato. Im not saying that is definately the case, just putting it out there.

WarmKitty, how exactly is OP supposed to 'bat away' these advances without losing her friends? Because this is what's happening, she is pushing these men away and it means she loses her female friends who happen to be married to the twats.

If you are cloaking your post to have a dig and surreptitiously tell the OP that she's enjoying it then you are part of the problem.

Tell you something else that you probably won't want to hear in respect of your last sentence... any 'hubby' who tells another woman that he is in love with her has ZERO love for his wife and ZERO respect. Plenty of contempt though. Always HIS fault. Always...

Well since this thread seemsnd to be going well i though id stick my nose in!
It sounds like you are trying to understand why this is happening and there are a huge amount of guesses already so i don't need to go there.
Whether it's something about you or something about them, clearly it's happening. The issue is that it is causing you a big problem in terms of frustration and losing friends repeatedly. Alongside a possible additional frustration about people you are actually in a relationship with not being committed.
Now I'm not going to add to any of the guesses, but what i will say is you can't control what other people do and there are so many people in the world the will always be plenty of them doing things that frustrate. By all means get annoyed and frustrated and any emotion you have the right to feel. But with that remember that the only person who you can control is yourself, so perhaps reframe the situation, think about other ways of dealing with it.
Obviously if you are worried a crime will be committed then that limits your actions and if a crime actually is committed then you would need further support, but if you can find a way of feeling more in control of your life through your own actions, then that will be more satisfying.

I f you think about why traffic jams are so stressful is because they are outside your control. You can get angry and complain about government and cyclists and whatever but afterwards you'll be in the same situation. So think of what you can do yourself...cycle instead, travel at another time, get the bus, move house, etc. None of them are easy but they are in your control.

Good luck, it's tough but i think having posted this thread you are already on the way to a new perspective!

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe

WarmKitty, how exactly is OP supposed to 'bat away' these advances without losing her friends? Because this is what's happening, she is pushing these men away and it means she loses her female friends who happen to be married to the twats.

If you are cloaking your post to have a dig and surreptitiously tell the OP that she's enjoying it then you are part of the problem.

Tell you something else that you probably won't want to hear in respect of your last sentence... any 'hubby' who tells another woman that he is in love with her has ZERO love for his wife and ZERO respect. Plenty of contempt though. Always HIS fault. Always...

Easy to bat these men away. Block. End of. The wife is the main friendship. No need to entertain him.

Possibly there is an element of that, yes. It’s not about me if I receive an inappropriate message from a man. I block him. If I’m thinking anymore about that, why? He means nothing to me. A man trying his luck. I don’t like it one bit but it happens. We don’t have to engage any further than a block. If he makes further advances, then the response may alter.

The last part - I don’t know what you mean as I didn’t defend the hubby. Obviously it’s his fault and obviously he has no respect for his wife.

@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe yes I would say that to men! I happen to not like skater dressers on more mature women. I personally don't like them I think it looks a bit mutton for that age group and has a look of a young girl. That's MY personal opinion relating to fashion! Get it? Or are you struggling?

[quote prettyfamiliar]@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe yes I would say that to men! I happen to not like skater dressers on more mature women. I personally don't like them I think it looks a bit mutton for that age group and has a look of a young girl. That's MY personal opinion relating to fashion! Get it? Or are you struggling?

[/quote]
And how is your opinion on skater dresses relevant in any way?

Don't let a sleazy husband stop you being friends with people if they are good friends. Don't let these men drive you away from your friendships. x

What has the OP's fashion choices got to do with it? Why is she being called mutton? Men are utterly revolting sometimes, but so are some of the women (I assume they are women) on this thread.

[quote prettyfamiliar]@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe yes I would say that to men! I happen to not like skater dressers on more mature women. I personally don't like them I think it looks a bit mutton for that age group and has a look of a young girl. That's MY personal opinion relating to fashion! Get it? Or are you struggling?

[/quote]
You wouldn't say it to a man because it makes no sense. It makes no sense for you to say it to a woman either; it's an item of clothing, covers the body. Job done.

I really, really hope you don't have daughters or interact with impressionable young people.

I give zero fucks for your opinion of fashion, or anything else really because your posts are frankly quite odd.

It's the men. All day, every day, whatever you're wearing, it's the men. They think you've got low standards because that's how patriarchy explains a woman being single in her 40s- everyone knows it's better to be married so you must be secretly longing for any kind of attention!

At the same time, it's also their belief that any reasonably attractive and interesting woman must at some level be sexually interested in them. Otherwise how can they be any kind of man? They don't comprehend you being happy to be friends, because their ego gets in the way. They have to test out the idea that if you could, you would, or it hurts their self esteem.

I don't know the answer. I wish I did.

Don't you love it when people blame a woman for men's nasty behaviour by criticising her clothing? Then try to backpedal by claiming they were just making a comment about fashion? And then try to suggest that it's other people who are hard of thinking and get all spitty?

No, nor do I.

I’m a utter trollop, total mutton, I’m 44 and wear skater dresses😂 this has got to be one of the most bizarre comments I’ve seen on here.

Op, I get you. Over the years I’ve had a couple of friends/neighbours husbands try their luck, they get short thrift. They are bored middle aged marrieds looking for sex, they will try their luck anywhere if I’m honest and that’s not a slight against you, me or any other woman it happens to.
It’s their problem, not yours. You are not to blame although maybe I am for being soooo old and wearing skater dresses.

@Butterymuffin you do have the answer, you’re spot on.

WarmKitty
It was this bit of your post:
I worked with a woman who constantly bemoaned messages men would send her on sm. We told her simply to block them. She wouldn’t. I think she actually enjoyed the attention so then the question is about self esteem.
and definitely this bit:
As for the friends hubby who told his wife that he was in love with you, he can’t possibly mean love. He meant limerence.

It sounded very much to me like a need for the OP (or more precisely, the woman you know) to be slapped down that she was obviously enjoying the attention from these men and because of that, her self-esteem was lacking. What about the man's self-esteem/self-respect for sending those messages? Why would it in any way be on the woman to police or correct a man's behaviour that he chooses to exhibit?

It's not relevant to the OP's situation anyway but then you pulled the OP up about love/limerence and the difference that she should be aware of. Why the hell is that relevant? A partnered person shouldn't be exhibiting any sign of either and certainly not saying things that indicate either condition.

I might have misinterpreted you, I'm very literal about things, but your post seemed to be trying to put OP in her place, effectively scolding her for not doing x, y and z to correct the situation.

I might also be projecting here because as a teen in secondary school who developed quicker than my female classmates, I was called a 'slut' because of the attention from boys. I neither courted it or wanted it, I was ill-equipped to deal with it and ended up having a breast reduction at just 15 years old because of male gaze/male attention. Now, I can handle it but when I see women blaming other women for what men do, it annoys me.

@Butterymuffin

It's the men. All day, every day, whatever you're wearing, it's the men. They think you've got low standards because that's how patriarchy explains a woman being single in her 40s- everyone knows it's better to be married so you must be secretly longing for any kind of attention!

At the same time, it's also their belief that any reasonably attractive and interesting woman must at some level be sexually interested in them. Otherwise how can they be any kind of man? They don't comprehend you being happy to be friends, because their ego gets in the way. They have to test out the idea that if you could, you would, or it hurts their self esteem.

I don't know the answer. I wish I did.

OP it happens at all ages. I was temping in the city in my 20s and was working with engineers who had to attend a conference at the weekend in a hotel. Every single one of the twats, hit on me throughout the weekend. Even the manager who was in his 50s and wearing a wedding ring. When I told him that I wasn't interested I received a call Monday morning from the agency telling me that they no longer wanted me there.

You wear whatever you want, you dress however you like. I was wearing a trouser suit as I was working, not a bikini. But it doesn't matter, as it's not your fault. They are the ones who are married and in committed relationships and it's not your job to police other people's behaviour.

At your age, most people will be married or in committed relationships. I'm the same age and it's the same for me. I rarely make friends with people my age who aren't married. The last married friend I made accused me of flirting with 'my husband!'. That's right lady, can't resit his middle aged paunch and emotionally abusive put downs.

[quote prettyfamiliar]@LyingWitchInTheWardrobe yes I would say that to men! I happen to not like skater dressers on more mature women. I personally don't like them I think it looks a bit mutton for that age group and has a look of a young girl. That's MY personal opinion relating to fashion! Get it? Or are you struggling?

[/quote]
But surely if that is the case then it is a GOOD thing that the poster is wearing them because it should be man-repellant. The whole idea of "mutton dressed as lamb" is that women are no longer attractive at a certain age and trying to dress as if you are is unfortunate. I'm not going to go in to what I think of that generally, but in this thread it is really ironic given that the whole problem the OP has is men expressing their attraction to her. Work that one out!

Do people still really use the term mutton when talking about women?