Fucking men!

[StoryOfMyFuckingLife]

I am 46. I'm about a stone overweight. I'm atractive enough but no one is going to offer me a modelling contract. I'm single. I'm always fucking single or just about to make myself single again.

In the past 5 years, I've dated two men. Both for less than a year and both I dumped for crimes against respect and decency.

In the past 5 years alone, I've lost a friendship group because one of the married men in it made a really obvious play for me, was far too attentive, giddy when I was nearby and i ended up withdrawing from the group because I didn't like it and it was, quite frankly, embarrassing. I didn't fall out with anyone because I did nothing wrong but friendships dwindled once i started avoiding group stuff because of it.

I've lost another close male friend (he was married and I was close to his wife too) because, after making a pass at me when she was out of the room on one occasion and me rejecting him, he later contacted me to tell me he was in love with me which means I've lost her too.

I could have lost another friend because her husband 'developed feelings' for me - he actually told her he'd fallen in love with me . Fortunately, she is the most amazing woman ever and told me at the time that he was an idiot but she couldn't bear to lose me as a friend. We worked really hard on saving our friendship. They worked things out and it's now like that blip never happened (fortunately).

I've moved on, i've made new friends... every time it happens, i move on and make new friends. And it just happens again.

I dated someone for a few months last year (the second of the two men). I met him through friends. So we have mutual friends/acquaintances in common. Three couples mainly although the wife of one doesn't socialise much with us and has her own friends.

Of the three men... two of the three have made it known for a while that, if I were interested, they would be too. They've both declared love

The third? Well I don't know him well. He's socially awkward, quiet and a bit irascible. And then, tonight, he messaged me to say he was sorry to hear that the his friend and I had split up (4 months ago!) He's never seemed particularly interested in getting to know me or talking to me so i was surprised at his sudden friendliness...

You know where this is going...

Just pisses me off and makes me feel really sad. I know that none of these men are actually interested in me. Of these four men, one I was seeing but he never thought I was good enough for him because I'm not 28 and hot. And the other three are in relationships telling me how attractive I am and how much they fancy me.

Of all the men who have declared love to me over the past 10 years, I haven't been in a relationship with any of them and none of them have been single.

It's just fucking shit.

What is fucking wrong with them??

@StoryOfMyFuckingLife

I started a thread on here about things your friends wouldn’t tell you. From that I can suggest you don’t believe the friends you asked - they were probably telling you what they thought you wanted to hear

I asked that friend because she is the only person I would trust to give me the actual truth as she understood it

Based on my thread, I’d say don’t trust that she’s telling the truth. Almost everyone said they would lie.

If you don’t mind me being blunt

• you are the common denominator in this situation with so many men propositioning you. I’m not saying it’s impossible, but it does seem unlikely that you have married men chasing you without any encouragement in almost every social activity you do

• you sound like you have poor boundaries around married men. Even if you have changed your behaviour about messaging them, you don’t seem to understand why it might be a problem. And you’ve only stopped doing it since your previous thread, so there is still a history of this with some of the men and a “reputation”

@gaijinetal it doesn’t even surprise me that you feel able to answer for the whole town!

Bet you’re all related, too!

Yes but until they have propositioned me they haven't propositioned me, have they?

They were friends until that point as far as i was concerned.

What makes you think they were actual friends in the first place though?
I have male "friends" that I have known for decades, we wouldn't really message each other privately though. I only have that relationship with a small number of them as they are actual friends & equally I know the ones who are wrong uns who I stay clear of.
Of course you shouldn't have to modify your behaviour & they are 100% in the wrong but maybe rethinking your initial boundaries may reduce the frequency of it happening & the annoyance you have over it when you are let down.

Let's make op explain self evident stuff.

I don't think it's clear actually. For me it takes time to build friendships with men & women, it's not something that happens quickly or is easy to walk away from. But perhaps we are different, most of my true friends are friends from school & uni with a few picked up from work along the way.

The standard west?
I don't think that's quite true but we can agree to disagree

Yes I suppose my male friends are the ones I've known for many years. Not new acquaintances that are new friends.

I don't think they would be my friends if they had hit on me.

Do you know what?

If I were doing something I'd agree. If I flirted or dressed 'provocatively'. If I encouraged it or played Little Girl Lost who always needed a man to come and rescue me from a crisis, I'd understand. If I played the ingenue or smiled seductively or fluttered my eye lashes or anything like that, those suggesting it is me and my boundaries might have a point. And i could do something differently.

I don't have a reputation 🙄 and, as I have said many times, the man who messaged me last night, I saw twice last year and have never had any 121 communication with ever. We've barely exchanged more than a hello or a goodbye in the time I've known his wife!

If I were such a problem, then these women wouldn't be friends with me would they? They would have an issue with their husbands interacting with me and they don't.

I said right at the start that there arent many single women my age. Or rather, I dont want to be friends with the ones who are. I'm not interested in flirting with men and seeking adoration from men. I'm not on Tinder etc. I don't care about appealing to men or the inevitable competition that raises on a night out when they think a man they like is looking at you.

I don't dress for them or behave for them and there are very good reasons why I trust the friend i spoke to to be completely honest with me but I don't wish to share them here because they're not relevant.

My children are older, I don't have living parents or any other family so my time is my own to do with as I please. And if i want to spend my free time playing in bands, then i will do. If i want to go to a festival or a gig on my own I will do.

But some people are suggesting I change really fundamental things about myself like my dress sense, my interests, my hobbies and essentially my personality because some men can't control themselves.

I posted because i was shocked and pissed off by what happened last night because, let's just say it is all my fault, there was literally nothing I could have done to anticipate that.

I didnt actually expect a character assassination from some and to be told that it is the fucking Dorothy Perkins skater dress i was wearing that was the root cause of all and that maybe they are actually 'pervs'. I'm forty fucking six! I mean I might pass for 36 on occasion but still, that's well over the legal age! I don't look like a child!

To those who have been supportive and offered actual suggestions, thanks that's helpful. Sorry it's happened to so many others

And for one last time, women on here are always being told to make new friends. It cant be the case that someone is only your friend once you have 10 years behind you or 3 generations dead and buried in the graveyeard. If we are mates who just meet in the pub then fine - but I wouldnt consider them to be friends. Nor if they are just bandmates or people i know. But if we meet regularly, I'm invited round for dinner, we share details of our lives, we socialise and holiday together, then, yes, I think we are probably friends!

All the women on this thread desperately trying to find reasons why this is happening to the OP. It's very sad.

It's not her (although I'm sure she's lovely). It's men. This happens to pretty much all single women with friends who are married. It's not all men, obviously, but there are loads of them. And they're often the really nice friendly ones.

If you've been married/in a LTR for most of your adult life, you will not be aware of how many sleazy married/partnered men there are. They aren't rare unfortunately.

And it may not be your Nigel but I can guarantee it will be the Nigel of at least one woman you know.

I have never ever told any of them. I've just distanced myself and gradually drifted away. So if that happens with your single women friends, you may want to ask yourselves why.

Sorry OP but the frequency does indicate that you do something to encourage them after all there is one common factor.

@Lurcherloves

Sorry OP but the frequency does indicate that you do something to encourage them after all there is one common factor.

Yeah. The common factor is men are scum who can't keep their dicks in their pants.

How much time does it take to build a friendship? The ones who do it within a short time of knowing them - fair enough. But in some cases I've known them for years. Not decades, no, although one of them i had known for 18 years...

If I were such a problem, then these women wouldn't be friends with me would they? They would have an issue with their husbands interacting with me and they don't

I agree but in your OP you said I've moved on, i've made new friends... every time it happens, i move on and make new friends. And it just happens again so do these female friends you were originally friends with get in touch, want to find out why you've moved on, etc?

@StoryOfMyFuckingLife

I started a thread on here about things your friends wouldn’t tell you. From that I can suggest you don’t believe the friends you asked - they were probably telling you what they thought you wanted to hear

I asked that friend because she is the only person I would trust to give me the actual truth as she understood it

I actually do believe what your friend said as you're coming off the same here: quite cool, few fucks given, you may seem a bit aloof and "untouchable" to these men which is what's giving them such a hardon.

Cool, pretty, single, into fun activities that don't revolve around home and kids - it's not hard to see why people would fancy you. The question of why these fucking pricks think you want to hear about it is above all of our pay grades I think. Is it possible that all of your friends just have shockingly bad taste in men?

Unfortunately maybe the only way to deal is to actively repel them: gross them out with the vagina binbag/criticising them etc. Maybe at the moment you're detached and a bit of a blank (a hot blank) to them that they can fill in. My friend who had similar trouble is petite, very pretty and cool and not at all friendly.

I think when it comes down to it, one solution is to organise more events yourself (when that's a thing). The stuff you talk about having to exclude yourself from is group stuff. I expect you've tried but what about just having the women over to yours? Or organising outings for the women only? Don't let the men just tag along.

And I guess the other part is why do the men you actually like end up wandering off. It's probably just poor luck but is there a chance you're also showing them the "no fucks given" side and they might not know you actually like them?

I kind of want to know your part of the country so I can avoid the teeming mass of cheating men!

Mmm.

I can't help thinking that somehow you are the common denominator here.

I don't think it has to be a question of fault or blame. But it is striking that this keeps on happening time and time again.

If something keeps happening time and time again in someone's life I think you do have legitimate reason to wonder what might be going on and what part the person may be playing in it, even if they are unaware of it and don't want it.

Doesn't have to be to do with men etc. Could be to do with e.g. being late. If someone is perpetually late ... for example, then even though there seems to be a plausible reason on the surface, you do end up thinking "why IS it that person X is late so very much more than most of the rest of my friends. What are they doing, or not doing, without realising it?"

Yeah. The common factor is men are scum who can't keep their dicks in their pants.

Thank you

But if we meet regularly, I'm invited round for dinner, we share details of our lives, we socialise and holiday together, then, yes, I think we are probably friends!

Well yes but that's why I'm confused as to how you move on so much.

@Bumpsadaisie

Mmm.

I can't help thinking that somehow you are the common denominator here.

I don't think it has to be a question of fault or blame. But it is striking that this keeps on happening time and time again.

If something keeps happening time and time again in someone's life I think you do have legitimate reason to wonder what might be going on and what part the person may be playing in it, even if they are unaware of it and don't want it.

Doesn't have to be to do with men etc. Could be to do with e.g. being late. If someone is perpetually late ... for example, then even though there seems to be a plausible reason on the surface, you do end up thinking "why IS it that person X is late so very much more than most of the rest of my friends. What are they doing, or not doing, without realising it?"

It's happened to me time and time again too.

The common denominator is men. Not the OP, not me, just married men who see single women as easy prey.

If you read the relationship board here, so many women are blindsided by men who they think have suddenly been unfaithful after 20 years. I can promise you those men will have hit on several women over the years - it's just taken them a while to find one who reciprocates.

OP I think you sound fun and also really nice! I'm sorry some people are being quite frankly batshit on here. You temptress in your Dorothy Perkins dress, you! Burn the witches! Unbelievable.

Please don't take to heart the bizarre notion some people have that a woman is always asking for whatever appalling behaviour a man displays around her. It's ridiculous.

I think it's a problem with the way men are socialised - they tend to only be "allowed" to be emotional with female sexual partners, so when they have a friendship with a woman they often automatically try to push it into the sexual given a perceived opportunity, as it's the only way they know how they relate to women.

Or they're just hornballs.

If you've been married/in a LTR for most of your adult life, you will not be aware of how many sleazy married/partnered men there are. They aren't rare unfortunately.

I'm fully aware who the slime balls are in my circle & who would take me up if I propositioned them. However they are also generally aware of which women will out them.

Take the guy who the OP meant twice & hardly spoke too. It's risky behaviour to commit his interest to text, & I would say unusual. Most prefer to leave little evidence & try it on in person.
Did you think about showing the messages to his wife?

I expect you've tried but what about just having the women over to yours? Or organising outings for the women only? Don't let the men just tag along.

Yeah, I have tried.

It's hard. A lot of them have grandchildren or elderly parents who they prioritise when they're not with their husbands. Or their husbands are friends and they like to get together as a group. One group doesn't often socialise separately. We have met up a few times but it's hard to get people to commit.

Besides, I'm the only single one. They want to socialise as a group with their partners. They also want me to come along.

I can't help that I'm single. So, if I get invited round for dinner and the evening, inhavebnonchoice but to go alone.

And I guess the other part is why do the men you actually like end up wandering off. It's probably just poor luck but is there a chance you're also showing them the "no fucks given" side and they might not know you actually like them?

That's essentially what my friend was saying. Although they don't wander off. I dump them because I want tolerate the disrespect.

I agree with others - you sound like an attractive, interesting friend however those men only see that side of you, where as boyfriends see all of you, not that there’s anything wrong with that, that’s the real you. Men are knobs, don’t change.

As you say you don’t put up with their shit, where men are used to getting their own way.

Urgh horrible having to dump people under these circumstances but obviously the right choice.

It just sounds so odd - like all these men are in the same "culture" somehow (I know, the patriarchy, but I mean something more specific where they look down on their partners and are shits). I don't suppose a lot of these men all work together or play football together or something?

Believe me I was the single friend for years and years hanging out with couples. I get it. The one who always latched on to me was the weird single mate who's never had a girlfriend, or the man-in-middle-of-terrible-divorce-who-wants-to-talk-about-it.

Did you think about showing the messages to his wife?

After some of the responses on here? Hardly!

I don't want to have to start all over again, again.