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Original poster

he says "nothing serious" but acts serious

107 replies

Lostgirl94 · 05/02/2021 13:48

Please help, I've been dating someone for about 8 months. I've known him for over 10 years and we've always been a big part of each other's lives, being drawn back to one another every time.

We have an incredible bond/ friendship, everyone around us says we are like best friends and we both agree the sex is the best we have ever had. Especially with lockdown and as we both live alone and are apart of our social bubble, we've been spending a lot of time together. some of my stuff is even at his place and when it was allowed he even brought me around his friends to get to know each other. Potentially TMI, but every time we sleep together he finishes inside me, I've told him even though I am on the pill this is still extremely risky but he doesn't care.

We basically have all the ingredients of the perfect relationship just without the title. Its valentines next week and also my birthday so he has asked me to stay the weekend, he is going to cook and we can have a drink to celebrate, which I'm really looking forward to.

Basically, I'm in love with him, always have been, always will be and he knows this. The thing is, in the past, he has said he can't imagine us being in a relationship and has mentioned he doesn't want anything serious... but what we have right now is very much so I would say?

I don't want to scare him off but also don't know how much longer I should continue this without kidding myself. He makes me the happiest I have ever been and I know I do the same for him because he has told me.

What should i do? or am i an idiot.

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 05/02/2021 13:50

At some point you're going to have to be blunt and ask him to either commit or ditch. The sooner you do that the better. If he doesn't want to be official with you, what's the point? You clearly want more. Ask him.

Respectabitch · 05/02/2021 13:51

When someone tells you who they are...

He doesn't want to commit to you or be serious with you. You're convenient, he may even care for you, but he also wants to leave the door open so he can date and fuck other people. Who wouldn't want a steady loving girlfriend for snuggles when it doesn't even mean you have to stop seeing other people?

If that's not what you want, break up with him, because all he's going to do for you is break your heart.

1WayOrAnother2 · 05/02/2021 13:57

As you say, he 'acts' serious... but acting is not the same as 'being'.

He says he is not serious. You don't want to believe him but why do you think that he would lie? If you think that he is trustworth, then trust what he says.

This is a tough situation for you to be in. Flowers

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 05/02/2021 14:03

"every time we sleep together he finishes inside me, I've told him even though I am on the pill this is still extremely risky but he doesn't care. "

This is extremely risky!! He really doesn't care as it wont be him left holding the baby. You can and should be insisting he wear condoms.

EarthSight · 05/02/2021 14:07

has mentioned he doesn't want anything serious... but what we have right now is very much so I would say?

No it isn't. He has spelled out his intentions to you and you are not accepting them. If he says he doesn't want anything serious, it's not serious no matter what it seems like to you. He's leaving the door open for himself to leave at any time, plus see other women. He's having his cake and eating it, basically.

On top of that, this wonderful man you love has no problem finishing in you, despite the fact you clearly have communicated the fact you're not keen on him doing so......in fact, he doesn't care according to you. Wtf??????? Think about that for a second.

Not only are there serious issues here regarding sexual consent, but he also no problem finishing inside a woman who he could make pregnant. And where would he be then??? Leaving you to do the hard bit of having an abortion, or raise the baby yourself whilst he continues to skip around being carefree.

I think you need to learn to respect and value yourself more because I think he's taking you for a ride whilst you delude yourself in thinking you're in a relationship.

Mayzee · 05/02/2021 14:09

The pill is more than 90% effective - 99 if used correctly so it’s not ‘extremely risky’.
I would broach the topic with him gently. You’ve been together long enough now to ask the ‘what are we’ question. It certainly seems like he views you seriously but you also don’t want to be more months or years down the line and for him to end it then, wasting your time.

MMmomDD · 05/02/2021 14:23

How old are you OP? You sound quite young and naive, but it’s not your fault.

You are also quite hung up on him - while, I think, for him you are more a friend he sleeps with. And now because of lockdown rules - you are company and entertainment as well.
It is also possible that he is just young and immature and not ready for a relationship with anyone. And may grow out of it.

But - in general - I think you will be hurt more if you tried to extricate yourself from this relationship now. In your place - i’d just wait and see how it goes. And if it end up ending in a heartbreak - as it quite likely will - it will be part of what most of the people go through as they grow up.
All part of a path and learning about yourself.

As to the pill - talk to your doctor. Most people switch to pill specifically so that they don’t have to use condoms. And it’s not ‘extremely risky’. If you take it properly - it’s 99% effective. That is with ‘perfect use’ as doctors call it - not missing doses and taking it at the same time. With more ‘typical’ use it’s 91% effective. So again - not ‘extremely’ risky.
But in the end of the day - you are responsible for your own protection. If you don’t want that risk - insist on a condom.
Don’t take his ignorance of your risk of pregnancy as some sign that he is secretly in love with you and wants a baby. He just wants to have sex without a condom because it feels better.

Ncforthis1234567 · 05/02/2021 14:23

Listen when a man tells you where he’s at. Maybe he is into serial monogamy but a serious relationship grows. It doesn’t just remain in the lovey dovey phase. See it from his side, lovely weekends, good company and sexual intimacy (no condom so it feels nicer and closer) with no strings attached. It’s up to you if you want to accept that. He isn’t serious until he wants to be. You’re just a warm comfort blanket in lockdown.

Have that chat sooner rather than later and ask him if his views have changed.

I did and my ex was on a different page so I let him go to deceive the next girl.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/02/2021 14:27

OP, in what way do you think he's "acting serious"?

All I'm reading is a bloke who is careless with his sexual health enjoys having unprotected sex with you (which in all honesty, you are being very foolish to allow.)

He hasn't said he loves you
He hasn't introduced you to his family
He says he likes spending time with you more than anyone else
He has told you that a relationship is not on the table
He's happy for you to take all of the contraceptive burden
He's "even" let you leave a few possessions at his place (if you think this is really notable I don't know what to say - I've had shitloads of random crap that casual fuck buddies have left at my place)

I take it you're 26 or 27 and I know it's tough right now meeting new people but you are deluding yourself here if you think you're going to convert this guy into a long term relationship with a combination of performing femininity ("dressing up" for him, undertaking some of his housework) and the Power of your Magic Vagina.

I'm sure the sex is great, carry on enjoying it (with a condom, because he's doubtless banging other women) but don't pull the wool over your own eyes. He is NOT interested in a commitment, and he's been very honest about that.

I know this isn't what you want to hear, but believe me I'm speaking from bitter experience! This road leads nowhere but heartache.

Honeyroar · 05/02/2021 14:29

What everybody else says you look like as a couple and what you think don’t mean a thing if he’s telling you he could never see you two as anything serious. Right now it’s hard to go out and meet other people, so he’s spending more time with you and it feels lovely. But it’s not to say it won’t change when we unlock. For your own sanity you need to ask him to properly tell you where you guys are as a couple - and you need to absolutely listen. It doesn’t sound like you’re going to cope with a friends with benefits situation in the long term.

Original poster
Lostgirl94 · 05/02/2021 14:31

Hey all,

Thank you so much for your comments so far, I really appreciate them, especially the hard to read ones.

Love is definitely blind because you have all highlighted some issues i didn't even think were an issue, to begin with.

For those who asked I am 26, he is 28.

I can definitely recognise from some of the comments that I am acting as a bit of a comfort blanket for him and yes i am much more invested lol (have to laugh or ill cry)

OP posts:
honeysuckle21 · 05/02/2021 14:34

He may not of been serious in the past but maybe he does see you as relationship material now? The only way to find out though is to discuss what he wants from you now then you can decide to go your separate ways if you're wanting to a find a relationship.

Wanderlusto · 05/02/2021 14:37

You've told him you arent ok with the sex the way it is and he does it that way anyway, hate to tell you op but - that is sexual assault.

He is not a nice person and he does not respect you. Do you really think a friend treats a friend the way he treats you? Because if so, you have a messed up idea of what friendship is. He is not your friend. Infact, he must really view you with contempt to treat you as he does.

Have some love and respect for YOU. And walk the fuck away. Fast.

roastpotatoesss · 05/02/2021 15:09

I have a male friend who is in a similar situation with a female friend- she is in love with him and always has been, he's told her he doesn't want serious, she says she's fine with it but then is clearly jealous if he's talking to other girls. From his perspective he's laid his cards on the table and she's choosing to hear what she wants to hear. He's also said that while he cares for her as a friend if he wanted to be with her in a relationship he's had over a decade to do so, and hasn't wanted to.

As someone said upthread- when someone tells you who they are, believe them.

Countrywalking · 05/02/2021 15:26

I don't want to scare him off but also don't know how much longer I should continue this without kidding myself

I find this mindset incredibly frustrating. You have every right to be assertive and say what you want in life.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/02/2021 15:29

Sadly, you're not listening to him. He's been very clear about where you stand. I wouldn't be wasting any more time, especially if you hope to get married and have children. He could string you along for years.

Crumpetloverrr · 05/02/2021 15:35

Eh? You’ve been ‘dating’ someone for 8 months but you’re ‘not in a relationship?’

I would be sorting this out ASAP or walking away.

Crumpetloverrr · 05/02/2021 15:37

And so what if you are scaring him off?

What happens if/when he meets someone else? Will he still want you as his bit on the side?

TheGoddessFrigg · 05/02/2021 15:40

and if he's not using a condom, you should also be very concerned about STDs... You have no idea how many other women he is being 'wonderful' with...
An in my bitter and jaded experience, men pull the 'Nothing Serious' line so any time you attempt to remonstrate with them about any aspect of their behaviour, they can just go 'But Babe! i told you it was Nothing Serious.."

daisychain01 · 05/02/2021 16:01

It's another one side Friends With Benefits thread.

Woman wants steady relationship, and takes on all the emotional burden and gives the Man steadfast honesty and commitment.

Man does all the nice easy enjoyable stuff, but when push comes to shove they're not willing to be honest or make a commitment. Keeping their powder dry. Having their cake and eating it.

Who's getting the better side of the deal do you think @Lostgirl94?

DianaT1969 · 05/02/2021 16:10

What type of woman has he dated in between seeing you? There's a reason he says he doesn't want a relationship with you. I'm sure he likes you and cares about you. But he either sees himself as a single player or sees himself settling with someone different.
Unfortunately you will get hurt and he won't.
As it's difficult to meet someone right now, maybe enjoy it for another month. But be aware that you'll need to cut contact in order to move on with someone new.

Original poster
Lostgirl94 · 05/02/2021 16:20

Hey,

For the past 8 months that we have been, he has told me that he isn't dating or sleeping with anyone else - do you think this could be / is a lie?

I can see how his actions are very much having his cake and eating it.

OP posts:
roastpotatoesss · 05/02/2021 16:25

I am almost certain it's a lie- but even if it isn't, this isn't a relationship. You deserve to be with someone who is comfortable committing to you, not who strings you along for 8 months with no signs of making it official.

Shoxfordian · 05/02/2021 16:47

He’s not committing to you, and it’s probably been very convenient for him to have you come round whenever he wants a shag during the pandemic

Expect a bit more than this though, it’s not really good enough to just be an option

Aquamarine1029 · 05/02/2021 16:50

For the past 8 months that we have been, he has told me that he isn't dating or sleeping with anyone else - do you think this could be / is a lie?

He absolutely could be lying. He's in no way committed to you, and given that fact why would he feel the need to be honest? To him, you aren't partners so what he does is none of your business.