he says "nothing serious" but acts serious

[Lostgirl94]

Please help, I've been dating someone for about 8 months. I've known him for over 10 years and we've always been a big part of each other's lives, being drawn back to one another every time.

We have an incredible bond/ friendship, everyone around us says we are like best friends and we both agree the sex is the best we have ever had. Especially with lockdown and as we both live alone and are apart of our social bubble, we've been spending a lot of time together. some of my stuff is even at his place and when it was allowed he even brought me around his friends to get to know each other. Potentially TMI, but every time we sleep together he finishes inside me, I've told him even though I am on the pill this is still extremely risky but he doesn't care.

We basically have all the ingredients of the perfect relationship just without the title. Its valentines next week and also my birthday so he has asked me to stay the weekend, he is going to cook and we can have a drink to celebrate, which I'm really looking forward to.

Basically, I'm in love with him, always have been, always will be and he knows this. The thing is, in the past, he has said he can't imagine us being in a relationship and has mentioned he doesn't want anything serious... but what we have right now is very much so I would say?

I don't want to scare him off but also don't know how much longer I should continue this without kidding myself. He makes me the happiest I have ever been and I know I do the same for him because he has told me.

What should i do? or am i an idiot.

[quote Mermaidwaves]@rawalpindithelabrador
Its the toughest thing ever isn't it! And yep mine was the best sex I've ever had too. I won't make this mistake again though, if I'm not good enough to be a proper girlfriend they're not worth my time.[/quote]
Yep, me, too! 7 years it was. And after that, I never made the same mistake again, either. 'So we're casual then' 'No, I'm not doing casual anymore. I slept with you, it was fun, but I'm not interested in casual anymore. If you don't want to take the relationship further, that's fine, I should have clarified but here we are so it's best to move on.'

@rawalpindithelabrador really said it well.

OP ending it you could just say you thought about what he said before, that he couldn't see you two in a relationship, and say you've thought about it and have to agree with him. Say, although these past 8 months have been fun, this isn't what you're looking for (you want a relationship and eventually marriage and a family) and it's time to move on.

It's a nice way to end it but gives him the chance to step up if he really did feel the same way. It also stresses what you want and you're not willing to settle for anything less.

@Lostgirl94

Hiya, I have been at work so was unable to respond but again thank you so much to all of you who have commented.

In regards to the pill and me telling him it was risky, i meant this purely from a bad experience a couple of years ago where I fell pregnant whilst being on the same pill and was taking it correctly, we then miscarried. I also realise i was and am being extremely naive when it comes to being intimate with him but can honestly say he has never and would never sexually assault me.

I also wanted to mention that we didn’t start off as fwb, We have been good friends for over 10 years and I’ve seen him in and out of failed relationships and throughout he has always ended up pouring his heart out to me saying he has never and would never meet anyone like me and that he does love me.

It was only 8 months ago that I finally decided to give him the chance and clearly for what as he seems to have changed his mind.

Since reading your messages I have taken it upon myself to do some research into love bombing and it sounds familiar in some ways.

All comments are in unison with telling me to end it with him etc, I guess my second question is how you find the strength to do that?

Thank you x

At best, he is a confused person who cannot be relied upon. If he was a good friend to you, he wouldn't sleep with you knowing that you saw this as more of a serious thing, knowing you had feelings for him and that he couldn't offer you what you wanted. He would be honourable and keep his dick in his trousers where it belongs. If he uses the excuse that he's just overwhelmed with lust for you that he can't help himself....well that's just a liability when it comes to other women who might turn his head.

It doesn't matter if he's seeing other women or not. He clearly is just far too confused to be relied upon for any stable relationship, or, as lovely as he might make you feel, you just aren't what he wants from a longterm girlfriend. He might think of you as a lovely mate, someone he's close to that just so happens to have a body he can shag (bonus), and I thimk you need to realise that.......

HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU

It's really

It's really time that you try to get a clear head, and stop wasting precious time on this man.

but every time we sleep together he finishes inside me, I've told him even though I am on the pill this is still extremely risky but he doesn't care.

It's not extremely risky. That's the whole point of the pill!

But more importantly, if you've asked him to pull out of whatever but he doesn't, he should! He's being selfish and disrespectful.

He doesn't care??? Why do you love him??

Sounds like he knows you love him and he's keeping you hanging on. He's told you he doesn't see you in a relationship -I'd listen to him.

I'm sorry 💐

Why would he buy the cow when hes getting the milk for free?

He has someone to have sex with, a friend, companionship, someone to spend time with, share valentines day with, loyalty as he knows your in love with him....all without the commitment.
If you keep doing this, why would he want to commit?

Tell him you want to be official boyfriend and girlfriend, you practically are and your not willing to be half in and half out any longer and MEAN IT.
He will probably say no and give you bull shit excuses..but you have to mean it and let him go.

Then if he misses you, he will want a relationship and come back. If he doesnt miss you enough, that means he cant like you enough to be with you, in that case you have to end it with him or you'll just hurt even more and waste even more time.

@DuchessofHastings1

Why would he buy the cow when hes getting the milk for free?

He has someone to have sex with, a friend, companionship, someone to spend time with, share valentines day with, loyalty as he knows your in love with him....all without the commitment.
If you keep doing this, why would he want to commit?

Tell him you want to be official boyfriend and girlfriend, you practically are and your not willing to be half in and half out any longer and MEAN IT.
He will probably say no and give you bull shit excuses..but you have to mean it and let him go.

Then if he misses you, he will want a relationship and come back. If he doesnt miss you enough, that means he cant like you enough to be with you, in that case you have to end it with him or you'll just hurt even more and waste even more time.

Is this supposed to be helpful?

This sort of guy is usually trouble. They get their excuses in at the start in case they treat you badly, so that they can say they never promised you anything and claim to be honest when they cheat. As they inevitably do. They don't turn into faithful boyfriends. At the moment it suits him, because its lockdown, and its hard to shag around.

This sort usually end up with a younger women around 36 because all their friends have settled down and even then spend the next 20 years cheating on her and keeping it covered up.

He's not nice...he's not genuine. Enjoy it for what it is but he has all the control and its probably advisable for you to take some back.

If he insists on not using condoms when you want to, that's kind of rapey, or at least coercive. You aren't fully consenting to sex without one. If he's ever done it sneakily, that's legally rape nowadays, as you didn't consent to that. If he just refuses, that's 'just' coercive (and still rapey, because he's doing something he knows you don't really want.)

Same goes for if you only consented to pull-out sex and he doesn't pull out. You didn't consent to that, it's legally rape.

Either way, he doesn't sound ideal.

I found the strength to dump my 'ex' (we were only ever 'F'WBs) by realizing what he was really like.

Once I'd realized, it was fairly easy (not because I'm a strong person, but because it was so transparent that he was a sex pest, a manipulative liar, and could harm me by rejecting me if I didn't do what he wanted.)

It was a Mumsnet thread that helped me find the strength. Please keep us updated, or add anything that comes to mind. This will help you, as you can look over the thread and see what's happening.

Other women can be more objective about what's going on in a situation as they're not in the midst of it. It can really help.

@SoulofanAggron

If he insists on not using condoms when you want to, that's kind of rapey, or at least coercive. You aren't fully consenting to sex without one. If he's ever done it sneakily, that's legally rape nowadays, as you didn't consent to that. If he just refuses, that's 'just' coercive (and still rapey, because he's doing something he knows you don't really want.)

Same goes for if you only consented to pull-out sex and he doesn't pull out. You didn't consent to that, it's legally rape.

Either way, he doesn't sound ideal.

Not true and dangerous advice.

@RootyT00t

While there is debate in individual cases as to whether the threshold is met, you are wrong to state it is 'not true' that a man ejaculating inside a woman when they agreed he would withdraw is rape.

It meets the legal threshold but is obviously incredibly hard to prosecute as it so often falls under a he said / she said scenario and rape prosecutions are notoriously rare even when far more evidence available.

It's dangerous to make factual statements like you've done (saying 'not true') about the issue of rape and informed consent.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@RootyT00t

While there is debate in individual cases as to whether the threshold is met, you are wrong to state it is 'not true' that a man ejaculating inside a woman when they agreed he would withdraw is rape.

It meets the legal threshold but is obviously incredibly hard to prosecute as it so often falls under a he said / she said scenario and rape prosecutions are notoriously rare even when far more evidence available.

It's dangerous to make factual statements like you've done (saying 'not true') about the issue of rape and informed consent. [/quote]
The ejaculation issue is separate. I didn't comment on that cause it's Jack shit to do with what the OP posted.

I was commenting on the idea that if he doesn't use condoms if she's not sure whether she wants to it's rape. It isn't.

Incidentally op never said she wanted to use condoms. She said it was risky which has already been debunked further upthread. Blanket dramatic statements like that are unhelpful and disrespectful to victims of rape.

I don't know if you are still reading OP, but if you're not his gf - as in, he hasn't said it to you directly, or told other friends or family that you are in a relationship, then you're not.

My bff was in a situationship with a man for a year and a half. She adores him, thought the sun shone out of his arse. She pushed for clarity on their relationship and commitment as time wore on. He said "well we're not really together are we" after a year and half of supposedly exclusive dating.

Don't be her!!

Why is it risky to ejaculate inside you if you take your contraceptive properly? It’s only risky if you’re regularly skipping pills... The whole point of the pill is to prevent pregnancy, you don’t also need to use condoms unless STI’s are a risk.

Anyway, you need to have a serious conversation with him. You have been casually dating for 8 months now, that’s an awfully long time to still not be ‘official’. You clearly want it to be more so you need to tell him that. Don’t be worried about scaring him away, you can’t go on like this forever.

OP,

Protect yourself.
He has told you nothing serious to protect himself.

There is every possibility that you are convenience sex during a pandemic and he will move swiftly on when it suits him.

I also wanted to mention that we didn’t start off as fwb, We have been good friends for over 10 years and I’ve seen him in and out of failed relationships and throughout he has always ended up pouring his heart out to me saying he has never and would never meet anyone like me and that he does love me.

It was only 8 months ago that I finally decided to give him the chance and clearly for what as he seems to have changed his mind.

So he chased you then when you finally agreed he's told you you're not his girlfriend? Sounds like negging, especially coupled with him ejaculating in you when he knows you don't want him to is a massive red flag.

I'd also think about using condoms, if he doesn't see you as a couple then I wouldn't be surprised if he was having sex with other women, sorry.

Here’s an idea, If a guy you are seeing refuses to wear a condom then refuse to sleep with him unless he does (I’m sure he would put one on then) don’t do it then cry the R word, it’s not a good luck and pp shouldn’t be encouraging that

I was commenting on the idea that if he doesn't use condoms if she's not sure whether she wants to it's rape. It isn't.

@RootyT00t I think it's pretty clear OP would rather use them. She's asked him to, she's said she had a pregnancy scare in the past due to a cock up with the same pill and it was an unpleasant experience.

It doesn't matter how risky it is- if she wants to use them for whatever reason, she wants to use them and he should respect that.

''Stealthing' (where a man takes a condom off or doesn't used one when a woman has told him to) is legally rape, it has been for years.

Not pulling out when the man's agreed before sex to pull out is legally rape. www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-22281457

So, nothing unfactual or dangerous about what I'm saying. It's this bloke that is dangerous.

Saying 'nah, I'm not gonna use 'em' without immediately going in isn't rape. But it is rapey, in that he is pushing the boundaries- he knows OP doesn't want it without a condom and she's having a type of sex she doesn't 100% want in terms of the level of risk.

Whether we think she's right about the level of risk isn't relevant. OP wants to use a condom, and/or for him not to come inside her. She doesn't want him to do it and that should be the end of that, he shouldn'tve done it. She has a riight to her preferences and feelings. As he keeps doing it, it's clear it wasn't an accident.

I had a bloke say he wouldn't use condoms, when I'd brought them with me to use. I was in a different town visiting him and stuff, but I like to think nowadays I would just say 'ok, we aren't having sex, then.'

He went on to be abusive and push boundaries sexually/physically in other ways, too.

Here’s an idea, If a guy you are seeing refuses to wear a condom then refuse to sleep with him unless he does (I’m sure he would put one on then) don’t do it then cry the R word, it’s not a good luck and pp shouldn’t be encouraging that

@Happycat1212 'cry the R word?' FFS. I didn't say that it is rape, unless he outright does it sneakily when OP has only agreed to condom-ed or pull out sex. Obviously if OP agrees reluctantly to him not using one beforehand, or agrees to him coming inside her beforehand, then it's not rape, but it is coercive, because he's doing something he knows she doesn't want to happen in that way.

It's not always easy to say no to things like this, if you like a bloke. I've only just started to feel able to put my foot down over sexual stuff, and I'm 44.

Omg OP i don't usually comment and never post on relationships threads and here's why. A lot of women on this board have been through some awful stuff with men and are anxious to avoid others making their mistakes. Probably substantially older than you and been there, seen it done it, got the T shirt. I can't believe some of the comments made here to a woman age. He's not necessarily doing anything wrong and you've no reason to suspect him of it. It's not risky being on the pill unless he really is cheating or whatever or been promiscuous in the past but you have no reason to believe that. I think you just need to have a chat and ask him what he means by not serious. He probably just means moving in, marriage and kids. It doesn't mean he's putting it about or wants to! He sounds great to me. If you want marriage and kids in the next couple of years and he definitely doesn't and that's a deal breaker, by all means leave but otherwise just have the chat and relax and enjoy being with a nice guy. So many hysterical posts on this as usual. Not every man is a user. Sounds quite a typical 28 yo guy to me. Yes he might not stick with you forever but which of us, even the married ones has that guaranteed.

SoulofanAggron

You said it was “rapey” just don’t sleep with guys who won’t wear condoms, it really is that simple.

@SoulofanAggron

I was commenting on the idea that if he doesn't use condoms if she's not sure whether she wants to it's rape. It isn't.

@RootyT00t I think it's pretty clear OP would rather use them. She's asked him to, she's said she had a pregnancy scare in the past due to a cock up with the same pill and it was an unpleasant experience.

It doesn't matter how risky it is- if she wants to use them for whatever reason, she wants to use them and he should respect that.

''Stealthing' (where a man takes a condom off or doesn't used one when a woman has told him to) is legally rape, it has been for years.

Not pulling out when the man's agreed before sex to pull out is legally rape. www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-22281457

So, nothing unfactual or dangerous about what I'm saying. It's this bloke that is dangerous.

Saying 'nah, I'm not gonna use 'em' without immediately going in isn't rape. But it is rapey, in that he is pushing the boundaries- he knows OP doesn't want it without a condom and she's having a type of sex she doesn't 100% want in terms of the level of risk.

Whether we think she's right about the level of risk isn't relevant. OP wants to use a condom, and/or for him not to come inside her. She doesn't want him to do it and that should be the end of that, he shouldn'tve done it. She has a riight to her preferences and feelings. As he keeps doing it, it's clear it wasn't an accident.

I had a bloke say he wouldn't use condoms, when I'd brought them with me to use. I was in a different town visiting him and stuff, but I like to think nowadays I would just say 'ok, we aren't having sex, then.'

He went on to be abusive and push boundaries sexually/physically in other ways, too.

But he hasn't done any of those things, and all the speculating in the world doesn't mean he will.

She hasn't asked him to wear one? She's said it's risky not to, but I think it's quite clear she sees the fact he's happy to take that risk as an indication of the depth of his feelings.

She hasn't asked him to wear one?

I'm sure she initially asked him to wear them. It's quite clear she'd prefer him to. He has just weedled to not wear them despite her much prefering it if he did.

And if he is coming inside her and she's outright said beforehand that that's not what she's agreeing to (again, it's clear it's not what she wants, either way) that's really dodgy.

Either way, he's pushing her boundaries to the max.