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Original poster

he says "nothing serious" but acts serious

107 replies

Lostgirl94 · 05/02/2021 13:48

Please help, I've been dating someone for about 8 months. I've known him for over 10 years and we've always been a big part of each other's lives, being drawn back to one another every time.

We have an incredible bond/ friendship, everyone around us says we are like best friends and we both agree the sex is the best we have ever had. Especially with lockdown and as we both live alone and are apart of our social bubble, we've been spending a lot of time together. some of my stuff is even at his place and when it was allowed he even brought me around his friends to get to know each other. Potentially TMI, but every time we sleep together he finishes inside me, I've told him even though I am on the pill this is still extremely risky but he doesn't care.

We basically have all the ingredients of the perfect relationship just without the title. Its valentines next week and also my birthday so he has asked me to stay the weekend, he is going to cook and we can have a drink to celebrate, which I'm really looking forward to.

Basically, I'm in love with him, always have been, always will be and he knows this. The thing is, in the past, he has said he can't imagine us being in a relationship and has mentioned he doesn't want anything serious... but what we have right now is very much so I would say?

I don't want to scare him off but also don't know how much longer I should continue this without kidding myself. He makes me the happiest I have ever been and I know I do the same for him because he has told me.

What should i do? or am i an idiot.

OP posts:
RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 16:54

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies

"every time we sleep together he finishes inside me, I've told him even though I am on the pill this is still extremely risky but he doesn't care. "

This is extremely risky!! He really doesn't care as it wont be him left holding the baby. You can and should be insisting he wear condoms.

How is it extremely risky Hmm
villamariavintrapp · 05/02/2021 17:00

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be! He's explicitly telling you he doesn't. It's lockdown etc, he may not have many other offers right now, but he's telling you clearly he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. It's up to you whether you want to carry on being his pseudo girlfriend until he finds someone else or not.

Marley20 · 05/02/2021 17:01

You should believe what he says, it'll never be a serious relationship. I've been exactly where you are (minus the lockdown 😂) and I wish I'd listened. Good luck, it's not easy walking away but you can do it and it'll probably work out better for you in the long run. FWB doesn't work if one partner develops feelings for the other.

Honeyroar · 05/02/2021 17:01

He might not be lying, he might be one of those people who have actually observed lockdown. It’s whether he’s going to go off with other women when we unlock and people can go out. The only way you’re going to find out is to ask him or wait until after lockdown and find out (by which time you’re even more in love). He might have fallen for you, you never know. But after eight months with a good friend you really ought to be able to ask him. If you’re scared to, you probably already know the answer deep down..

ZoomMullet · 05/02/2021 17:03

I'd be very cautious. He's been clear with you but you are reading more into his behaviour.
I don't want to put you down or anything, but I'd be suspicious of him 'making do' during lockdown as he can't be with anyone else, or have any opportunity to meet anyone else.
I'd want to tell him it's a deal breaker to have me hanging on without any commitment.

TheSpottedZebra · 05/02/2021 17:08

Love, there's nothing wrong with fwb but everyone has to be in the same page. And you're not.

You hope he's going to suddenly realise he cares for you as much as you care about him, but he very probably wont.

Lockdown will lift, he'll find someone else to shag (as well as, or instead of you), you'll be hurt and he will say he was honest with you all along.

BeautifulStar · 05/02/2021 17:09

Op have you ever watched the film “he’s just not that into you” - it should give you a bit of insight! You’re making yourself too easy for him - he gets regular sex and someone to spend time with so he doesn’t get lonely. But he doesn’t like you enough to want to share the bad/boring everyday mundanities too. His “can’t imagine us being in a relationship” comment is so he can keep one foot in the door and you’re not allowed to be angry or upset if he meets someone else - after all, he warned you not to go getting any ideas about being in a relationship right?

I would be making yourself unavailable to him - perhaps even hinting there’s someone else on the scene.

Or just dump him.

TheChip · 05/02/2021 17:16

A best friend would not take advantage of their friends feelings. He knows you are in love with him and he is taking what he can from you, knowing you're hoping he will commit. He has told you he does not want a relationship with you. Listen to him. Do not let him treat you this way any longer.

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 05/02/2021 17:19

OP, given what you have shared with us on the thread, it does not appear to be a relationship with legs. That does not mean to say that he is not lying when he says he has not slept with anyone else, while with you. That could solely be due to Covid and he is limiting himself to one person at this time to avoid catching the virus.

Whatever you decide to do, your priority must be the use of condoms. This will protect you against STD's and unwanted pregnancy . You need to value your physical body more and that also includes your emotional wellbeing.

You can go to his for a lovely birthday treat weekend and not have sex. If he is committed to you, no sex that weekend would not be an issue. Moving forward the use of condoms should not be an issue for him if he is in this for the long haul. Combine all this with him telling you this is not serious and somewhere in there OP ,lies your answer.

I agree with PP,'s, sex without condoms is more pleasurable for both and ejaculating inside you finishes it all off quite nicely, for him. This is not a reason to abandon protection of yourself in any relationship, before exclusivity and long term commitment absolutely established.

You can either walk away now ( i suggest this) or make immediate changes re frequency of sex and use of condoms, then see how those changes they are received. That will tell you all you need to know.

Wanderlusto · 05/02/2021 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wanderlusto · 05/02/2021 17:22

Shit sorry, crossed post.

RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 17:23

@Wanderlusto

If he smacked you in the face would it be up to you to 'get past it' ? Of course not. And tbh...this is worse.
Pardon?
ThatsnotmyBorishishairistoneat · 05/02/2021 17:24

He needs to commit or you need to end it unless you want to continue like this. Its not extremely risky for him to come in you if you take the pill properly and this isnt to do with his feelings for you, some men enjoy this more.

rawalpindithelabrador · 05/02/2021 17:26

I've had a few of these. Yep. 'He's just not that into you'. In the past I'd say, start stepping back, the old me would have, but by the time I got to my early 30s I realised that's a waste of time of your time and just prolongs your own pain. Ripping off the plaster with one of these is the way to go, but it requires some practice to be able to phrase it in a way that's clear and concise. 'My feelings are that I've allowed myself to become over-invested in a relationship that's not serious when I'm seeking a serious relationship. Thanks for making it clear to me that we're not on the same page. I need to protect my own interests and feelings here and be true to what I want in life so it's time to move on from this before I really let myself get hurt.'

And get real! You're in the prime of your life, you will find someone else, people do all the time, after divorce, after widowhood, after betrayal; there's no such thing as 'the one'.

When people tell you who they are, you listen to them or not at your own peril.

rawalpindithelabrador · 05/02/2021 17:27

He's getting all the benefits of a serious relationship with one foot at the door. What are you getting?

AlbaAlba · 05/02/2021 17:27

The pill, used properly, is extremely good at preventing pregnancy. BUT if you are not comfortable with sex without a condom (whether that's due to disease fear, pregnancy fear, or disliking the general mess) then he should respect that.

It says rather a lot that he 'doesn't care'. I'd say that was actually a consent issue. If you've consented to sex with a condom, and he is overriding that, then that is a clear case of assault. If it's more that you've said you want sex with a condom, he's argued, and you've 'given in' and agreed, then he's also in the wrong because that is hardly enthusiastic consent. If he doesn't care about your feeling about this then it says he's (1) not a decent man and (2) cares far more for himself than you. Neither is a good sign.

As for the rest of the relationship, I'm afraid he's told you what it means to him and I think you're opening yourself up to a world of hurt. Occasionally one of these situations turns out okay, the guy grows up and sees what's before him etc, yes it does sometimes happen - but far more often in films and books than in real life.

DennisTMenace · 05/02/2021 17:31

Tell him the arrangement isn't working for you any more and that if he wants to continue seeing you then it needs to be in a relationship. That includes being open about it with friends and family by zoom, so it's not hidden. If he wants more he will and if not then you have an answer. But if not then you have to follow through and not be meeting him, or texting until all hours. That is just reducing yourself to convenient lockdown amusement and not person deserving of respect.

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 05/02/2021 17:37

@Wanderlusto Seen a few of your posts today. Have you thought about taking a deep breath and considering your posts impact on the right OP before you press "post"? If you are in a hurry maybe wait until you have time and can construct a more considered response and put it on the right thread. Hope to god the OP for whom that response was actually intended does not see it.

rawalpindithelabrador · 05/02/2021 17:42

The pill, well, I've relied on that solely for contraception in a long-term relationship and in marriage and it's worked fine, BUT if you're not comfortable with just that then you're not comfortable, it's your boundary and you are entitled to it.

daisychain01 · 05/02/2021 17:46

@Lostgirl94

Hey,

For the past 8 months that we have been, he has told me that he isn't dating or sleeping with anyone else - do you think this could be / is a lie?

I can see how his actions are very much having his cake and eating it.

We have no way of knowing the answer to that question, @Lostgirl94

The worrying thing is that it sounds like you don't have the answer to the question either. You are the important one here, and you should be the one who feels certain, but he's doing nothing to reassure you.

Littlepaws18 · 05/02/2021 17:47

If you tell him you are going to have one of results:

  1. He runs a mile.
  2. He commits.

Thing is if he is going to run a mile he will do it anyway- just later on when you are so deeply involved (which you already are) it's going to be so painful.

If you get pregnant it won't have a happy ending, so I would stop playing Russian roulette with that one unless you don't mind being a single parent!

RootyT00t · 05/02/2021 17:48

@Wanderlusto

You've told him you arent ok with the sex the way it is and he does it that way anyway, hate to tell you op but - that is sexual assault.

He is not a nice person and he does not respect you. Do you really think a friend treats a friend the way he treats you? Because if so, you have a messed up idea of what friendship is. He is not your friend. Infact, he must really view you with contempt to treat you as he does.

Have some love and respect for YOU. And walk the fuck away. Fast.

Ooft.

You could take th fact this is posted on the wrong thread as a chance to re word it before you upset someone else.

Ncforthis1234567 · 05/02/2021 17:55

It’s hard shagging around in a pandemic. Maybe he’s being truthful. You can sit and wait what happens when restrictions fully lift if you want to waste your time any more - or have that honest chat and KNOW.

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies · 05/02/2021 17:56

@RootyT00t no, that was what @Wanderlusto correctly posting to this thread. That was her reply to a 26 yr old young woman asking for support!!!

Her other reply, since removed, was presumably in
response to a far more sensitive thread on another board.

Sorry to have interrupted yr thread OP.

Plussizejumpsuit · 05/02/2021 17:56

What are you talking about re being on the pill but finishing inside you is extremely risky. Do you understand that's what the pill is for? Because STIs are an issue way before him coming. Do you think him coming in you is some kind of sign of commitment?

I was going to ask how old you are as you seem really young. In general people show you how they feel. If he wanted to be your boyfriend he would be. I don't understand why you haven't had a conversation about it. Surely this is the logical next step. Then you know where you are?