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Original poster

New partner having a female friend

106 replies

TC68 · 03/02/2021 09:48

I have been dating a man for the past 6 months - everything was perfect - we get on so well but he has a female friend who he used to date - she has a daughter the same age as his daughter and they are close. He went on holiday with her last year in a small caravan so it would have been very intimate in regards to sleeping arrangements. He talks about her all of the time and is always saying ' I have just spoken to 'Teresa' on the phone. On the weekends he has his daughter he goes over to her house - they drink together and he stays over - surely if they are just friends they could meet with the girls in the day. I feel so hurt that we are in a relationship and should be spending time together but he is with her

OP posts:
Hanab · 03/02/2021 10:00

I would rather say walk away🤷🏻‍♀️ Unless you can talk to him and explain your feelings & he actually listens.
Why does he stay over? That is my eyebrow raised..
he now has a girlfriend 🤷🏻‍♀️

MissBattleaxe · 03/02/2021 10:01

Sounds like he's already got a girlfriend!

StephenBelafonte · 03/02/2021 10:03

I fully understand that when a man has kids then the kids come first . I accept that.

But I'm next. Not his mates/golf/ex wife/mates/work/pub. Me.

So if he's not prioritising you over her I'd call it a day. Unless your happy being third in line

Triffid1 · 03/02/2021 10:05

the female friend pre-dates you so one assumes that he is not in a relationship with her and does not want to be in a relationship with her. Of course, she might not feel the same way.

I think that a relationship of this sort is not that weird when you're single. In this situation, where they're both single parents with children of a similar age it seems even less odd.

If this woman was a male friend, nothing would be odd about it. However, as your relationship develops, most likely he would spend a bit less time with his friends eg fewer weekends away etc etc. And I'd expect similar in this case where the friendship is with a woman. Sharing a caravan wit a friend is not weird.

Having said all that, I think YABU to have an issue with him having an existing, long standing and supportive friendship with a woman that pre-dates your relationship and that he is not simply ditching now that you've come along.

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 10:15

I have tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, been laid back and do not want to look like a jealous freak. I appreciate he was friends with her before he met me and that their daughters have a close relationship but it is really messing my head up thinking of them spending a Saturday night together whilst the girls play upstairs - he likes a drink - is very touchy feely after a drink and I just do not see why it has to involve an over night stay. It is destroying my head imagining what she looks like and what they get up to - if the tables were turned it would look really bad. It is also lock down and he is supposed to be in my support bubble - I confronted him about this and he has stopped messaging me - last message was 'well thats told me then' We live in the same village so it will be very awkward

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 03/02/2021 10:19

Yes! That has told him.

Sounds like they're still together anyway to be honest. Does his Facebook profile say he's single?

Triffid1 · 03/02/2021 10:20

Well, he can't be seeing her if he's in YOUR support bubble. And if you then challenge him on that and he acts like a dick, then he is a dick. The problem is not that he has a friendship with a woman. The problem is that he's a dick.

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 10:27

It does not state his relationship on Face Book. He is putting me, my daughter and elderly father at risk by seeing this woman in lock down. Obviously no respect - even worse if they are sleeping together. She clearly does not know I exist
Thank you for all of your kind and helpful comments - I don't have many friends to talk this over with and I am embarrassed I am in this situation - it has reassured me to walk away

OP posts:
honeysuckle21 · 03/02/2021 10:29

Yes dump him, don't be 2nd best. A ex date as a bestie would be a no no for me.

MMmomDD · 03/02/2021 10:44

How are you all living in a small village but she doesn’t know you’ve been dating for half a year?

If someone he dated prior to you doesn’t know he is dating someone else now - I’d assume their relationship hasn’t finished.
Also - I wonder if she in fact would be interested to know that he has been dating you both.

As to the bubbles - as a single parent he is allowed to have two bubbles - a support bubble and a childcare bubble. Childcare bubble allows for overnight stays.
But this is irrelevant really.

RaininSummer · 03/02/2021 10:46

I thought a childcare bubble was to just drop kids at another household. The parent isn't even meant to go in. I would end it OP unless he is going to introduce you two and stop the overnights.

GreatExpectationalized · 03/02/2021 10:48

He's not acting like a seriously committed person. His response to your text has only hammered the point home. Make your decisions with this firmly in mind.

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 10:58

We live six doors apart in a small village - 'Teresa' lives about an hour away so quite easy to juggle us both - there has been occasions where she has stayed at his house with her daughter so we could have potentially bumped into each other. I think if she knew about me she would back off - she phones him every day. She was in an abusive relationship and had to take an injunction out on her ex which recently needed renewing - my partner even went to court with her for support which sent alarm bells again I challenged him saying her ex will just assume he is her partner and surely a friend or family member could have gone with her - it is not his place - it is something a partner would do but he got really defensive.
We spent Christmas and New years eve together so I still question what their relationship is - or maybe she had family arrangements and I was the next best thing?

OP posts:
Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 11:00

Lock down or no lock down this will continue - they will be planning another summer holiday with their girls and that I will find really hard to deal with

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 03/02/2021 11:02

His reaction would be enough to dump him.

Don't put up with that shit.

Silenceisgolden20 · 03/02/2021 11:03

Why is he not planning a holiday with you?

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2021 11:03

Surely if they wished to be together they would be op? Clearly they don’t.

However you don’t like it snd don’t trust him so just end it.

Chocolate123 · 03/02/2021 11:06

This is wrong on so many levels. This guy is loving the attention of two women. Why doesn't she know about you if you are his partner. He's using his daughter as an excuse to see her and breaking covid restrictions also. It's time to cut your losses and say goodbye or else this won't change.

LucyHarper · 03/02/2021 11:10

I think you should discuss with him and that is the only way to get things on track. After that you can decide what to do next.

gannett · 03/02/2021 11:11

If I was him I wouldn't be taking things any further with you, sorry.

They dated each other in the past and it obviously didn't work out on that level, otherwise they'd still be dating.

Their daughters are friends and that's a really healthy thing to nurture, especially in a time when children aren't getting much socialisation. It's not up to you to tell them what time of day they can do that at.

And from your update it seems as though he's doing a fantastic job of supporting her as she extricates herself from an abusive relationship - that's him being a good friend. That support is invaluable to someone in her position and I'd think highly of him for it. It's not up to you to say whether it's "his place" to do it - maybe she doesn't have family who could support her? And he IS a friend to her. Have you considered that he may be keeping her company at night because that's when she's most afraid of her abusive ex?

If he only visits her when he has his daughter it's obviously not all the time so presumably you're still getting a lot of time with him. The occasional night away is not putting you in second place.

You are right about the covid risks though.

If I was in your position I'd want to meet her (via zoom if not possible IRL) simply because I like meeting my DP's friends and hopefully becoming friendly with them too. I'd also want to support another woman trying to separate from an abusive partner. Jumping to a territorial position where she has to be a rival and he has to choose between you is a bit silly to me. If I was supporting a male friend going through a tough time and my boyfriend of six months tried to tell me I couldn't... I'd bin off the boyfriend without hesitation.

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 11:12

As princess Diana said " I think there are three of us in this relationship" !!
I guess as a single dad with a daughter of 8 it is convenient for him as her daughter is the same age to go on holiday together - my daughter is 16 so big age gap but I have tried to get to know his daughter etc but she is very hostile towards me and quite rude. I have very little self esteem and find confrontation difficult and feel it is best to leave them both to it -

OP posts:
NonagonInfinityOpensTheDoor · 03/02/2021 11:15

She was in an abusive relationship and had to take an injunction out on her ex which recently needed renewing - my partner even went to court with her for support which sent alarm bells again I challenged him saying her ex will just assume he is her partner and surely a friend or family member could have gone with her
Sorry but I think this is really reaching. You’ve said surely a friend could have gone with her but he IS a friend, whether you like the friendship or not. He was being supportive during a bloody awful time for her and the fact that this as a bad thing is a bigger red flag to me.

You’re completely within your rights to feel uncomfortable about their closeness but IMO you can’t dictate who he is friends with just because you don’t like how close they are. Move on, find someone with limited opposite sex friends and similar boundaries.

DianeCherry · 03/02/2021 11:35

I think I'd be walking away from this one. Way too complicated.

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 11:43

I left a very abusive relationship which resulted in a lengthy court case and on going abuse which he is aware of so I have empathy for anyone that has been in an abusive relationship but she is very dependent on him and if he is a friend making new relationships with other women she should be aware of this - but I question if he is a just a friend or more.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 03/02/2021 11:55

It sounds to me like he might still have feelings for her and is hoping she'll come round one day. Planning a holiday with her even??

It's funny how they almost never seems to make friends with married women who are 15+ years older, isn't it? Why is it that he can't make friends or invest time in seeing a man in that way, eh?