Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

New partner having a female friend

106 replies

TC68 · 03/02/2021 09:48

I have been dating a man for the past 6 months - everything was perfect - we get on so well but he has a female friend who he used to date - she has a daughter the same age as his daughter and they are close. He went on holiday with her last year in a small caravan so it would have been very intimate in regards to sleeping arrangements. He talks about her all of the time and is always saying ' I have just spoken to 'Teresa' on the phone. On the weekends he has his daughter he goes over to her house - they drink together and he stays over - surely if they are just friends they could meet with the girls in the day. I feel so hurt that we are in a relationship and should be spending time together but he is with her

OP posts:

Phoenix21 · 04/02/2021 12:51

OP - it sounds like you’ve fallen in love with an ideal.

Yes he is nice personality wise, but the rest doesn’t work for you - his friend and daughter. Which means this relationship doesn’t work.

He is well within his right to have a female friend, after only 6 months you cannot put restrictions on that. You are well within your right to not like it, once you’ve mentioned you feel uncomfortable and that’s been ignored then clearly neither of you are compatible.

In future I’d have the ‘talk’ before investing so much energy in someone, ask ‘what is this? Are we a couple, exclusive etc’ because making assumptions on the basis of Christmas and daughter introductions doesn’t cut the mustard.

I agree with the rest, no need to autopsy, if you see him a breezy ‘hi, how’s the kid got to dash, bye’ will suffice.

It’ll probably only be awkward the first time anyway.

Going forward I hope you meet someone who is nice. This man sounds like an arse.

mumieone · 04/02/2021 16:18

Teenage girls - I've seen and heard alot and reading the story.

The man I dated with a teen was not quiet over his ex wife and the teen girl didn't want anyone to have her dad accept mummy. So she would cause alot of stirs.

If she could have convinced her mum to sleep over for her sake to piss me off she would definately have done so.

However I wouldn't be too shocked if his daughter became extra friendly with the other girl just for the sole purpose of knowing her mum would sleep over too and screw everything up. What a great way to get rid of the other women in dads life.

Then when she was gone she wouldn't really bother whether dad was alone or who else he was with.

If you were married would it be ok for your hubby to have sleepovers from other women? So why do you reckon it's acceptable behaviour when he is dating you i.e. (auditioning to be your potential husband). He is supposed to be showing you how he operates and will be behaving in the future.

mumieone · 04/02/2021 16:21

Another word on friends. I know some males (I'm friendly with them). Some we grew up together and have known each other over 30 years. YES they are friendly and maybe if I met a new girlfriend of theirs they'd say 'hey meet my friend from the old days' but ladies.....

Here is the thing.

ALL of them have tried it on and all of them will DEFINATELY say yes to a night of passion. Even if they had a girlfriend. Male friends tend to be men waiting in the dark shadows for their turn. C'mon we all know this!!

mumieone · 04/02/2021 16:21

If it's not the man it's he women in waiting. Can't let go..

Phoenix21 · 04/02/2021 16:49

You think an 8 year old has done this @mumieone?

Some real horrible views of girls on this thread...

gannett · 04/02/2021 17:07

@Phoenix21 you forget that @mumieone has seen and done it ALL and her life experience trumps anyone else's.

I'd hate to live in a world where all teenage (and younger!) girls are conniving manipulators and all men are just waiting for a chance to shag you, that's all I can say.

Phoenix21 · 04/02/2021 17:46

Indeed. And they don’t seem to realise that assuming they feel that way about all teenage girls, they are insulting the OPs daughter as she is the one who is 16.

Phoenix21 · 04/02/2021 17:48

Not to mention that the insinuation is this poor man is so weak he will stay with another woman just because his daughter manipulated him into it.

Misogyny is alive and well.

mumieone · 04/02/2021 20:49

No one denies your experience you can not deny mine. Fact is fact ... it happened and is happening. But I said teen not 8. When did 8 yr old become teens. At that age they are very sweet

Phoenix21 · 04/02/2021 21:00

When did the OPs boyfriends daughter become a teen?

Silenceisgolden20 · 04/02/2021 22:51

@mumieone

Here is the thing.

This isn't true

EarthSight · 05/02/2021 00:14

We all want to be nice, don't we? Most of us aim to be that chilled out, cool girlfriend who's not jealous ect, but sometimes I think it pays to be more ruthless than that. A lot of women try so hard to be so reasonable. By looking at these boards they might have been doing that for years, until one day they realise they've been taken for an absolute ride and all these platonic female 'mates' weren't quite platonic after all.

The best way out of it is to control your own actions. He can choose to see whoever he wants and make friends with whoever he wants. It's not like you have a child together and you're trying to prevent a threat to your family stability. However, you also also have the right to choose not to be in a relationship where you feel like you are being rotated, where other woman are too close for comfort and he cannot prioritise. I think it's fine to be friends with an ex, and with men I understand it's more difficult to let go of that intimate, emotional support that they might find difficult getting with male peers. I'm really sympathetic to that, but they also need to understand that it could cost them their next intimate relationship if they don't learn to prioritise.

JamesMcAvoyswife · 05/02/2021 02:19

If she was just a friend he wouldn’t stay over her house when he’s meant to be in a relationship with you.

Sounds like she’s his girlfriend and you’re someone he’s seeing on the side.

Anordinarymum · 05/02/2021 02:31

He's not a keeper

Original poster

TC68 · 05/02/2021 08:18

Yep - found out I was the bit on the side - she was more than 'a friend' - it was blindingly obvious with the over night stays.

OP posts:

Whatsapppussycat · 05/02/2021 08:22

@TC68

Yep - found out I was the bit on the side - she was more than 'a friend' - it was blindingly obvious with the over night stays.

to you

Phoenix21 · 05/02/2021 09:19

I’m really sorry to hear that OP.
Clearly you e had a lucky escape with finding out so early.

He is grim esp as he roped his child into that as well. I guess the ‘niceness’ was an act.

Original poster

TC68 · 05/02/2021 09:38

Always sad when children are involved. I am gutted and feel so used.

OP posts:

Techway · 05/02/2021 09:47

Op, the shame is on him. You were honest and if he mistreated this then he should feel guilty. Unlikely though!

It was 6 months and you wised up to it. Don't beat yourself up. You have to enter relationships with eyes wide open but if someone is a determined to lie and hoodwink you then it's not your fault.

You will be wiser after this experience so all is not lost.

Phoenix21 · 05/02/2021 09:48

Does it help to view it as a fling? You had a good time, lots of fun and will move on?

It will feel raw now but should get easier.

Phoenix21 · 05/02/2021 09:49

Exactly what Techway said.

This isn’t on you.

Silenceisgolden20 · 05/02/2021 09:53

So she def wasnt a friend and he never should have used the term with you if he was still sleeping with her.

This is all on him.

PrawnCorset · 05/02/2021 10:01

@Bluntness100

Surely if they wished to be together they would be op? Clearly they don’t.

However you don’t like it snd don’t trust him so just end it.

This. I have one close male friend who is an ex from a past so distant that it makes us both giggle slightly these days on the rare occasions we ever think of it. But he's an established and valued part of my life, and if I were single, I certainly wouldn't drop him for a new relationship because a new boyfriend was threatened by him.

He's not hiding her if he talks about her a lot, and tells you he's going to visit her -- how do you know he hasn't told her about you?

But obviously, you know best what works and doesn't work for you, and if you genuinely feel that you can't cope with this friendship, or if you feel it's eating up time and attention you feel should be spent on you, then you should of course end things.

And of course he shouldn't be seeing her during lockdown if it's against the guidelines for where you are.

All I'm saying is that you're a very new element in his life, and that I think it would be unrealistic and probably unwise to expect a new boyfriend to ditch a longterm close friend, whose friend is a close friend of his DC, for a new relationship that may or may not last.

Original poster

TC68 · 05/02/2021 10:11

I hate any kind of deceitfulness - yes we had lots of fun and good times I just hope he looks back one day and misses me - but he has chosen to be with her. My daughter got close to him we all used to to for a walk with my dog most days - she is asking where he has gone and misses him to. Just wish I could move out of the village!

OP posts:

Nicknamegoeshere · 05/02/2021 10:17

I would say it's concerning re the level you describe. My fiancé and I are both still friends with our exes but only to message once in a while/send birthday cards to etc. My ex and his partner sent us gifts for our baby when she was born last year etc.
I have to admit I'm not keen when fiancé's ex-wife comments on FB things sometimes re their shared past but that is probably me being over-sensitive. She's happily engaged now (and to a woman) so I don't feel worried in that regard.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5