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Original poster

New partner having a female friend

106 replies

TC68 · 03/02/2021 09:48

I have been dating a man for the past 6 months - everything was perfect - we get on so well but he has a female friend who he used to date - she has a daughter the same age as his daughter and they are close. He went on holiday with her last year in a small caravan so it would have been very intimate in regards to sleeping arrangements. He talks about her all of the time and is always saying ' I have just spoken to 'Teresa' on the phone. On the weekends he has his daughter he goes over to her house - they drink together and he stays over - surely if they are just friends they could meet with the girls in the day. I feel so hurt that we are in a relationship and should be spending time together but he is with her

OP posts:
Yellowhighheels · 03/02/2021 14:15

He has not made contact so it will be a case of an awkward situation of bumping into him in the village

Nothing you can't handle, just a polite 'Hi!' If you see him. If he asks what's happening then a message as above. I would stay away from explaining unless he really wants to know what went wrong as I suspect he might quite enjoy this.

DogsSausages · 03/02/2021 14:17

Say goodbye, you have nothing to feel embarrassed about. His relationship with Teresa will never change, you have only known him 6 months, the longer you stay the more you will develop feelings for him. If you see him in the village just smile and move on, you owe him nothing.

MsPavlichenko · 03/02/2021 15:13

You were in an abusive relationship, and you are now in another one albeit the abuse is different.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? If not please have a look online.

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 15:30

I will have a look at the Freedom Programme - thank you for the information.

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 03/02/2021 16:01

Are you sure you are (or were) in an exclusive relationship as far as he was concerned? Did he actually refer to you as his girlfriend?

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 16:15

No he didn't refer to me as that so I guess it wasn't exclusive - I am in my 40's so just assumed that as the relationship became more intimate and we spent more time together, Christmas/New Years etc that t was something special. If that was the case should not have involved spending time with my daughter/ his daughter

OP posts:
hashbrownsandwich · 03/02/2021 16:30

Ah I see @TC68. Well the positive is that you've learnt from this and you won't make the same mistake again. Better that you've found out now than further along the line.

honeysuckle21 · 03/02/2021 17:28

It seems more clear now then op that the friend isn't really just a friend as you were. not exclusive,he didn't want to hurt your feelings that he's seeing others, which is still wrong and should of made it clearer to you. If he's going round other single Womens houses to get drunk and stay the night, then that is almost certainly not a platonic friendship.

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 17:37

Feel such a fool - I actually thought I was being un reasonable and a kill joy - I am the loyalist person you could ever meet and really fell for him - but better to cut ties now as every time I see his car is not parked out side his house I will be tormented with these thoughts and no one should live like that

OP posts:
fraggle500 · 03/02/2021 19:00

@TC68
Don't feel a fool! You sound lovely and quite frankly far too good for him. It hurts now but think how much worse the longer it continued. He shouldn't have made you feel like this - by not being open with his Communication.

Honeyroar · 03/02/2021 19:29

You shouldn’t feel a fool. You’ve picked up that something isn’t quite right, you’re justifiably worried that he’s putting your family at risk by ignoring the bubble/lockdown rules, and when you’ve mentioned it to him he’s not responding very maturely. So you’ve sensibly decided to leave him to it. If you see him in the village, or other people ask, just say “oh i just wasn’t feeling it, that’s all, so no point continuing..” Then hold your head up and walk away. (I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not back on a charm offensive this weekend when he has nothing to do, Be ready and be strong. You deserve better. And you know it. Just keep repeating that it’s not doing it for you, you don’t think the relationship will go much further, so no point continuing if he asks.

HighSpecWhistle · 03/02/2021 19:31

I wouldn't be happy with that. I mean, in theory, nothing wrong with what he's doing, but in reality I'd feel very paranoid and wouldn't like it.

I'd end it. It's not fair to start expecting him to cut friendships (and I doubt he will anyway) but I couldn't get on board with it.

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 20:17

Thank you all for your advice and kind words. Feels awful just to leave things with no closure or conversation after all we have shared but that is me - I 'disappear' as there is no point in trying to salvage this - I would not expect him to cut the friendship and there are two innocent girls involved so the best thing i can do is to 'disappear' for their sakes if nothing else.
Good news - I can get the vaccine now as a front line worker for social care through work so my family will be protected and that is the most important thing

OP posts:
mumieone · 03/02/2021 23:06

You are right to be careful. Ex's should not be on the scene. Anyhow men with teenage daughters are always problems. My friends warned me about this a long while back and I thought how ridiculous. UNTIL I dated a guy with a teen daughter who broke up the relationship. It's just to much hard work winning a teenage daughter over who wants to be daddies number 1 and ruin things all the time. She prob. loves seeing you not happy about this who set up and encouraging the exs daughter to spend even more time together. DUMP.

Sunflower1970 · 04/02/2021 08:10

I think I would just walk away from this as friends. It isn’t working for you

Original poster
TC68 · 04/02/2021 08:13

Thanks mumierone - yes to be honest that was another factor ....winning his daughter over - she is 8 - I have the teenager! My daughter really liked him and after years of being on my own she said she wants me to be happy and was so lovely about it all - but his daughter was a different story. I tried the come over for tea, play games, halloween parties etc but she was rude and made so many derogatory comments about how I look, what I was wearing etc it was awful - she s a smart cookie so maybe she is manipulating the situation and asking to see the ex's daughter. Like you say - too much hard work

OP posts:
gannett · 04/02/2021 09:39

You're accusing an eight-year-old of being manipulative OP? I'm perfectly happy saying that you're the overbearing problem here. Best let him go to be with someone without jealousy issues.

You are right to be careful. Ex's should not be on the scene. Anyhow men with teenage daughters are always problems. My friends warned me about this a long while back and I thought how ridiculous. UNTIL I dated a guy with a teen daughter who broke up the relationship. It's just to much hard work winning a teenage daughter over who wants to be daddies number 1 and ruin things all the time. She prob. loves seeing you not happy about this who set up and encouraging the exs daughter to spend even more time together. DUMP.

This is a thoroughly nasty post from start to end, too.

Original poster
TC68 · 04/02/2021 11:57

@mumieone
a little harsh don't you think!? Relationships are so difficult with lots of obstacles - children being one of them - they are naturally jealous of someone coming into their bubble and creating issues

OP posts:
mumieone · 04/02/2021 12:03

Yes it does sound harsh! But as i mentioned I'd say all my single friends had warned me from their experiences and it was not just one person. So I also thought it was harsh until I tried dating someone with a teen girl and what a nightmare from 'hell'. Mind you I know a guy who dated a lady with two teen daughters (and they fell out over the teen girls too)...the mum thought he was paying to much attention to the children because he was trying to be the good role model and the girls really liked him but the mum got too jealous over it and would ask her teens to go upstairs or get rid of them every time he went round. So it's not just for a women trying to fit into a mans life with his teen daughter it's also the men trying to fit into the womens life with a teen daughter. On the other hand - teen boys are no issue. Never had a problem. Infact the same person I dated with a teen daughter that was difficult had a teen son too was very normal.

Original poster
TC68 · 04/02/2021 12:10

@mumieone my colleague at work moved in with his partner when her daughter was 3 - when she hit teenage years she was vile to him and they broke up! It is scary meeting someone with kids and being accepted - its hard enough bringing up your own kids !! Best to have a simple single life!!

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 04/02/2021 12:17

Hang on, boys can be hard work too.
It's always going to be difficult blending families, whatever gender. Let's not stereotype here.
Boys can be very protective of mothers.

Silenceisgolden20 · 04/02/2021 12:18

In fact children can be hard work in general because they need the boundaries and ti feel safe.
If she was behaving in a way that was pushing you away, that's not really her fault. That's parenting not stepping in.

CeibaTree · 04/02/2021 12:27

My best friend from age 18 to around 38 was a male - 100% platonic relationship and we always got on with each other's partners. We spent time together and stayed over at each other's houses sometimes with partners and sometimes on our own. Until he met his now ex girlfriend who was not mature enough to deal with our friendship and drove a wedge into our 20 year friendship which has never been the same. I'm not saying that you are not being mature, but just pointing out it's perfectly normal to have a male/female close friendship.

Phoenix21 · 04/02/2021 12:45

@mumieone

You are right to be careful. Ex's should not be on the scene. Anyhow men with teenage daughters are always problems. My friends warned me about this a long while back and I thought how ridiculous. UNTIL I dated a guy with a teen daughter who broke up the relationship. It's just to much hard work winning a teenage daughter over who wants to be daddies number 1 and ruin things all the time. She prob. loves seeing you not happy about this who set up and encouraging the exs daughter to spend even more time together. DUMP.
How did you come to this conclusion? Especially as it’s the OP’s daughter who is a teenager. Do you think the same applies to her?
MrsVogon · 04/02/2021 12:49

@mumieone what a great generalisation there...FFS. Not all teenage daughters are like that.