Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New partner having a female friend

106 replies

TC68 · 03/02/2021 09:48

I have been dating a man for the past 6 months - everything was perfect - we get on so well but he has a female friend who he used to date - she has a daughter the same age as his daughter and they are close. He went on holiday with her last year in a small caravan so it would have been very intimate in regards to sleeping arrangements. He talks about her all of the time and is always saying ' I have just spoken to 'Teresa' on the phone. On the weekends he has his daughter he goes over to her house - they drink together and he stays over - surely if they are just friends they could meet with the girls in the day. I feel so hurt that we are in a relationship and should be spending time together but he is with her

OP posts:
Badlo · 03/02/2021 12:05

If you don’t like it, walk away. Problem solved.

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 12:11

Very true! He had another ex who he had stayed 'friends' with - a few months ago he went to her house (also during lockdown) for a drink fuelled evening - he parked his car outside my house and took her for a drive then back to hers for drinks - he did not see anything wrong in this??

OP posts:
GreatExpectationalized · 03/02/2021 12:24

This guy's got it made - lots of lovely women fawning all over him, why should he change?

Honeyroar · 03/02/2021 12:24

I don’t think there is always a problem with staying friends with an ex. I was friends with an ex for years. We got on really well but there wasn’t chemistry. A lot of his girlfriends had issues with me, but I never wanted him back, and he only came onto me once and got knocked back. He used to cheat on his girlfriends a lot (I used to tell him off). When I met my husband I introduced them very early on so there was no issues. When he met his wife she was the first girlfriend he had that could deal with him having me as a friend and we all got on great.

It also sounds like this lady has had a rough time and needs support, so I’d applaud him for that, plus their daughters are friends. In this case though, he’s done nothing to introduce you (he could have FaceTimed when with her, or walked past your house with her so you could say hello over the fence. In normal times you could’ve all gone out for a drink). He’s enjoying keeping you jealous. The not mentioning you on social media adds to this secrecy.

Silenceisgolden20 · 03/02/2021 12:26

@GreatExpectationalized

This guy's got it made - lots of lovely women fawning all over him, why should he change?
He must be loving the attention. Triangle! Act like you don't care and dump him. He doesn't seem serious about you if he's booking holidays with her and not you.
Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 12:33

I will dump him and then maybe I will become one of his 'friends' !!! seems I would have a much better time as his 'friend'

OP posts:
Woodlandbelle · 03/02/2021 12:38

Your self esteem will improve and your head space by leaving. I think he likes all the attention

thenewduchessofhastings · 03/02/2021 12:40

Wow someone's having his cake and eating it isn't he?

She's his ex.

They are basically still in a relationship;they talk daily,have sleep overs and go on holiday together.I wouldn't be surprised if their still having sex occasionally too.

Just not worth the hassle really.

YoniAndGuy · 03/02/2021 12:40

Very wise to walk away.

Don't become his 'friend' - be bright and breezy when you see him, act happy and interested but always be 'just so busy!' when/if he suggests getting together. He's a messer.

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 12:54

That is what hurts the most they are in a relationship - we used to talk each day, built up a relationship - he spent time with me and my daughter and likewise with his daughter - she must be really confused with him seeing two different women and that we have suddenly 'disappeared' Having been in an abusive relationship he was the first man I have fallen for in several years - and I go and chose a messer

OP posts:
MrsVogon · 03/02/2021 13:02

It's all very well having a friendship with an ex, but this all sounds a bit too cosy, it's as if they are partners already. My DP is good friends with 2 of his exes and they are like sisters to him now. Their relationship with him was over 10 &15 yrs ago . I have no issues whatsoever because they both have partners and I'm friends with them myself now.

But, in this situation it all sounds like too many red flags. Screw that. Is he in the UK? Should he be spending time with you and then her whilst we have a pandemic going on??

fraggle500 · 03/02/2021 13:07

Sorry you are going through this - I am 1 week down the line from an almost exact situation. It wasn't the female best friend that was the issue - it was his total lack of awareness of my feelings-
In the end it just wrecked with my mental health. As an previous poster said having lots of female attention but not having to commit to women - is a big pull to some men. I do have a few very good male friends but I have respect for any new partner - I don't give them any doubt about my friendships - which is what is missing here - you are in doubt and someone who really cares for you would not leave you to worry - it's actually just cruel. Please stay strong xx

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 13:07

I thought we were in a support bubble so it upset me that he has no respect for my health, my daughters or my elderly father. I met him during the first lockdown - I work from home - have not seen anyone and he really got me through this difficult time but when I found out he had stayed over at his 'friends' house I was horrified. The mother of his daughter has also questioned his attitude as his daughter has obviously been telling her mother what she has been up to at the weekend. The mother has asked him not to socialise as she is terrified of getting the virus but clearly he has taken no notice. She is in her rights to stop contact and I wish she would so he gets what he deserves

OP posts:
Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 13:11

Thank you Fraggle - it has affected my mental health I have been awake since 12.30am this morning and feel so worthless about myself. This was the first man I have introduced my daughter to since splitting from her father and she really liked him so feel I have let her down too.
You stay strong as well xx

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 03/02/2021 13:17

@TC68

I will dump him and then maybe I will become one of his 'friends' !!! seems I would have a much better time as his 'friend'
Nah don't do this. This would only work if you were cool about this situation and this would ease his guilt (if he has any) of messing you around.

You want to be his girlfriend.
I wouldn't bother.

Silenceisgolden20 · 03/02/2021 13:18

It really sucks that it's turned out like this.
Put yourself first. Flowers

hashbrownsandwich · 03/02/2021 13:43

What was his response to being dumped?

DBML · 03/02/2021 13:44

He sounds like a self-esteem vacuum. There are nicer people out there. Flowers

Yellowhighheels · 03/02/2021 13:46

If he's chosen to ignore his partner/ girlfriend and his daughter's mum regarding covid safety concerns in favour of having sleepovers with his ex, I would take that as a sign that his first loyalty wasn't with you, I'm sorry to say. Nothing wrong with being friends with an ex, especially if the girls get on, but this sounds far too close for comfort to me. Sounds like he enjoys the attention of a few women rather than being ready to settle down with one.

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 13:52

We are both child free this weekend - I could not share his bed or be intimate with him with the thought of him being with his 'friend' last Saturday night - even if it was innocent - who knows. I have just gone 'quiet' and not messaged him - can not bear to have that confrontation. I almost feel I do not have the right - and should just fade away - that it was just a bit of fun and I have created a drama. He has not made contact so it will be a case of an awkward situation of bumping into him in the village.

OP posts:
MrsVogon · 03/02/2021 13:55

Hey OP, do not feel worthless at all! He's the one who is quite frankly acting like an arse and ignoring restrictions. He's being disrespectful to the mother of his child and her concerns re: Covid, so that speaks volumes to me. Dump his arse, don't feel worthless, feel proud of the fact you can call him out for what he is and don't engage any further.

Your DD is old enough to understand if the relationship hasn't worked out. You don't have to go into detail, just tell her you weren't as compatible as you thought. Be strong for her as it gives a clear signal her mum is confident and won't be walked over. It shows you can say no and fuck off to being treated as a peripheral person. He is nothing!

Original poster
TC68 · 03/02/2021 13:55

You are so right Yellowhighheels - that is exactly how I feel innocent or not the loyalty was with her - they clearly were very keen to be together.

OP posts:
MrsVogon · 03/02/2021 13:56

@DBML

He sounds like a self-esteem vacuum. There are nicer people out there. Flowers
Totally this.
MrsVogon · 03/02/2021 13:59

Oh and if you do bump into him in the village, just a nod and hello will suffice, then walk on. If he contacts you, just tell him you've had some time to think about things and you don't feel you are both on the same level. No hard feelings, goodbye!

Silenceisgolden20 · 03/02/2021 14:13

@TC68

We are both child free this weekend - I could not share his bed or be intimate with him with the thought of him being with his 'friend' last Saturday night - even if it was innocent - who knows. I have just gone 'quiet' and not messaged him - can not bear to have that confrontation. I almost feel I do not have the right - and should just fade away - that it was just a bit of fun and I have created a drama. He has not made contact so it will be a case of an awkward situation of bumping into him in the village.
You haven't made a drama. You're listening to what your boundaries are. If it's not making you feel good, listen to that. It's not because she's a female friend, it's all the other stuff with it.