I've messed up and made the biggest mistake of my life. How do I get through this?

[messedupandstuck]

Fully aware I'll probably get a lot of hate for this but here goes. My partner cheated on me and we separated. I had a close male friend at work, around 12 years older and before I saw it coming we had crossed the line into more than friendship.

I guess I was feeling rejected and had low self esteem as I wouldn't have done this usually... also it was a very gradual thing and not intentional from either side.

He isn't married, has a child and a girlfriend and always told me they were basically flatmates. Not that it justifies it but I have no reason to disbelieve it as we spoke constantly so he couldn't have been doing much with her at home.

I didn't want to take him away from his family, I didn't think too much into it, enjoyed the attention and our friendship. There was some physical but it was mostly a strong connection and daily chat. It went on for over three years as we were close friends at work and then spoke in the evenings.

Recently his partner became suspicious and things became strained between us. He wanted to have a break and reconcile with me but it took this for me to realise what the hell I had done.

It's over now. He wants to stay friends but says it has to be in secret which to me is dodgy territory. But I can't think about not having him in my life anymore. We no longer work together so I won't have to see him but we have a ton of mutual friends who are none the wiser so I will probably have to see him at some point.

I'm not sure how I got here.. I didn't think but I also didn't plan on this. Neither did he. I feel completely suicidal to be honest. I don't know how I expected this to play out but it hurts so much, I've not eaten in days and feel like I have nothing to live for.

How do I move past this, especially in lockdown where I'm stuck at home with my own thoughts 24/7. I don't know what to do.

@fellowflipflop

Ahh you got me good, am wounded 😂😂

I agree that you deserve better than being with a man who is cheating on you (with his gf). And his gf also deserves better than a man who is cheating on her.

I would cut off all ties - tell him to leave you alone otherwise you will tell his gf - and part of me thinks she needs to know the truth to start afresh with her child. Can you imagine being her - gaslighted all the time “no honey you are crazy, course I’m not having an affair, it’s you I love and want to have a future with” - wasting he time thinking she has a future with a man who has cheated on her for years.

And who knows if you are the only person he is cheating on her with.

You are both victims here - you really do deserve better than this.

Don’t give up though. It will pass. You can turn your life around. All being well you will look back in a couple of years and wonder why you did this. He is just a person and you’ll meet other people who will treat you like you are the only person who matters most to them.

OP I and many other women on here have been the partner in this situation and it absolutely blind sided me and destroyed me. Just don't. I know you're hurting but this man is an absolute cunt and not worth another minute of your time. I'm on anti depressants, having counselling and trying to convince him to sell our family home. He fed exactly the same bullshit to his other woman. He will be sleeping with her. She will be hurting. And if you don't cut him out of your life then you will destroy yourself, him and her.

I don't want to upset anyone but that is what will happen if you don't end this.

Op you keep saying that he couldn’t have been close to his girlfriend as he was taking to you all night. Have you considered that his girlfriend may have been extremely unhappy about him ignoring her all night? That he was almost certainly lying to her for years, telling her he was chatting to friends (yes you were a friend, but you were having an emotional/sexual affair with him). You really need to stop minimising and making excuses for him, so you can start to forget him and move forward.

OP, reading your replies here, you haven’t really accepted things, much as you might say you have.

You have said that he is only staying for the child, and insisted that their relationship was obviously terrible as he chatted to you a lot. There’s another thread going on this board, and it’s about how couple spend their evenings. Plenty of couples spend their evenings doing different things - or even messaging on their phones while sat next to their OH. Doesn’t mean anything.

You’re not an innocent victim in this, but I’m not here to beat you up. You know you made bad choices. Time to swallow that and move on.

You need to try and see this man in a true light. I could easily list a whole load of things that drive me bonkers about my DP and make it sound like our relationship is shit, but it isn’t. You’ve been a sounding board and added a frisson of passion, giving him attention. He’s really not “just staying for the kid” - that may be the extra incentive for them to fix their relationship but I guarantee you, there’s more between them than he’s admitting. It’s painful but you need to accept you’ve been played.

I understand the lure of intense emotional connections - I have had to work very hard at various points in my past to prevent being sucked in. There are many people in your life you will have a connection with, and they won’t all be cheating shitbags. Or pull you in with lies....

I would sign up to an OLD site or even a Penpal type site where there’s a mixture of people looking for online friends and/or romantic dates. I have found this to be a good way of distracting myself when I’m trying to get over an emotionally intense relationship. Chatting to others can fill the gap, and you might even find someone else you genuinely click with.

Bin this man - the fact he’s still willing to lie and sneak around behind his GF’s back shows you where his morals lie.

OP he has totally manipulated you
He's there just for dc
They are like flatmates
Don't sleep together
For whatever reason you believed that bullshit and that's exactly what it was. If all those things were true then why, when his partner has found out/is suspicious, has he not ended it. Perfect opportunity and people co parent very well all of the time.
Because he's a liar, that's why.
He is also still treating you like an idiot too
A secret friendship! oh please! What he means is he would like to keep you hanging on and waiting for the occasional chance of a shag while all the while knowing you have had some mental health issues, which will probably raise their head again under your current circs....does he give a fuck? Nope! clearly not.
See him for what he is OP, he's a liar, a cheat, a selfish arsehole and sure as shit is not worth missing.
Regardless of the situation you find yourself in, you deserve better.

People co parent very well A lot of the time not all of the time. If only!

If this is the biggest mistake of your life then OP you're doing well.

A bigger mistake would be losing more emotional energy and time to this man.
He isn't worth it.
Contrary to what others here have said, relationships can turn into nothing more than friendships after many years, but the fact that he wants to keep you secret tells loud and clear that this is not the case here. If she were just his friend she wouldn't be bothered by him shagging you.

Thanks everyone for the support.

To those who have no sympathy, it's great that you're all so perfect.. but how would you feel if your friend, sister, mother or daughter came to you and said they'd royally fucked up and we're trying to fix it and felt suicidal? I'd really hope you wouldn't respond and call them scum and all these insults! Mistakes happen, really shitty ones yes but they do.

I agree with the poster who said I haven't accepted it yet, I fully accept that too. I know what to do but it doesn't make it easy. Ever since I told him to do one I'm still checking my phone to see if he's messaged me. I haven't reached out and I won't, but I'm struggling to bring myself to block him just yet.

There is every chance they aren't just flatmates and every chance that they are. No matter what it doesn't affect my outcome.. I am not a home wrecker and don't want to be with someone who treats people like this. I just got swept up.. he instigated it all and I was just weak and pathetic.

I'm trying to focus on who I do have in my life that I look forward to seeing when this mess is over. Making more effort to be sociable through Teams while WFH and I've taken up a new hobby. I'm hoping I will stay strong but can't deny how hard this is.

I've been in a relationship that has become a friendship before. I did nothing but try to turn things around and my partner was off getting his kicks elsewhere. So I've been in her shoes and I know how it feels, so it's ridiculous that I went the other side.

I'm just going to work on myself and not even think about dating at the moment. I am not looking for anyone new. I need to get over him and be comfortable on my own before I think about that. I just miss him so so much and I wish I could switch my feelings off. I also wonder if he's finding this as hard as I am. Men seem to bury their feelings so much easier than women.

And as for my feeling suicidal.. I'm unsure if it's loneliness, the pandemic, this situation with him or a combo of all of it. I do think I'd cope better and be able to distract myself and move on easier if there was some normality and options to stay busy.

I'm just going to work on myself and not even think about dating at the moment

This is great. This is really good news. It's the foundation stone of becoming a strong independent person with healthy boundaries and high self esteem. You are on your way, OP. Do not forget, at any point, not even for a moment, that you ABSOLUTELY ROCK. We are all amazing; don't go kidding yourself that you have somehow managed to be the the exception to this. Find things to do that make you feel good, confident, interesting, fun. Do them AAAAALLLL the time. Persist.

Everything will come out lovely if you do that, I promise, and you will find people who make you feel good, confident, interesting and fun, too. It will snowball. Enjoy it!

Phone the Samaritans if you’re suicidal.

You’re using the word mistake incorrectly, forgetting something you’ve paid for at Tesco is a mistake, leaving shoes lying in the hall and tripping on them is a mistake. The deliberate, ongoing choice every day, to have an affair is a conscious, active choice.

OP you made a terrible mistake and you have owned it. You are doing well to avoid contact with this man but I really do recommend you block him for good.

Work on yourself and know who you really are, what pleases you and makes you happy and fulfilled. I know your self esteem must be rock bottom right now, and don't fall into the trap of looking externally for approval and validation. You can get through this.

He sounds like a lying creep, using the 'flatmates/not sleeping together' line which is one of the oldest in the book. You fell for it, so take it on the chin and move on with your life, cutting him out of it completely. You won't fall for this again.

There's a lot of contradictions in your comments. You say you're not a home wrecker but you had sex with a man that had a girlfriend and had a child. Don't get me wrong, I don't think you're a bad person maybe just a bit naive. Trust me, however you are feeling SHE is feeling a million times worse. He's an absolute dick for saying he still wants to be friends with you. If not for respect for yourself, have respect for HER and block him. Trust me, you never ever want to go through what she's going through.

Also for perspective, and unsurprising, my ex of 11 years cheated on me with someone from work. I found out, he left me for her, she could never trust him (again unsurprising considering) and he broke up with her after 6 months in the hope that I'd take him back. I didn't. He can fuck himself for all I care. Don't get me wrong, he's to blame for what he did and if it hadn't been her it would've been someone else and I actually felt bad for her after it all ended. But she isn't blameless.

Know your worth, and if not, respect her by going NC.

Hi there OP.

We hope you manage to navigate a path through all this. It's even tougher for everyone in lockdown.

We were concerned to see that it's all left you feeling so low. Just in case it's of help we thought we'd pop in with a link to our mental health web guide, which has lots of numbers that might be of use.

If you're feeling a bit alone there are plenty of places to reach out to, as well as here, of course. Do keep posting and let us know how you get on.

Whilst you’re saying all the right things about not wanting to be a home wrecker, wanting him out of your life, wanting to feel comfortable in your own skin before dating again, etc, it really comes across that if he was to call you or text you now, that you would be back at his side within minutes. That you wouldn’t have the strength of character to ignore him and make sure he knew that you were done with him. Otherwise you would block him if you were serious about getting away from him. You’re leaving the door open for him by keeping his ability to communicate with you open. The only way you’re going to make it and get through this is by deleting his number and blocking him. That way, when you have a weak moment, you can’t contact him, and the urge will then pass.

@Livelovebehappy

Whilst you’re saying all the right things about not wanting to be a home wrecker, wanting him out of your life, wanting to feel comfortable in your own skin before dating again, etc, it really comes across that if he was to call you or text you now, that you would be back at his side within minutes. That you wouldn’t have the strength of character to ignore him and make sure he knew that you were done with him. Otherwise you would block him if you were serious about getting away from him. You’re leaving the door open for him by keeping his ability to communicate with you open. The only way you’re going to make it and get through this is by deleting his number and blocking him. That way, when you have a weak moment, you can’t contact him, and the urge will then pass.

I agree with you. I can't bring myself to block him yet and I do check my messages. I am not messaging him though and I really hope that soon I'll have the balls to just block him completely. I have no intention to start things back up at all.. but it's a struggle to want to delete him from my life at the same time.

@messedupandstuck

Balls don't come to you. You decide to have them.

Take responsibility. If you keep him in your life, you are choosing to give him power. You'll have to accept responsibility for any further hurt, even if he causes it. Do you really want to make yourself vulnerable to that?

@messedupandstuck

Don't wait for the "right" moment because you are prolonging the agony.
Once you erase him from your life, then the temptation won't be there anymore.

Just do it.

I hate how right you are.. if this was a friend I'd say the exact same to them. I am going to try and hit that block button before the week is through.

It is horrible, and it's really hard. But it will take you a second to do, (or a minute, if you've got contact on various platforms), and you'll feel horrible and weirdly liberated and alone but independent, straight away. Not all the things you feel will be bad. And what you will be doing is grasping control of your life, taking responsibility for your well being, and making a huge step in the right direction.

You CAN do life without him. You did it before you met him, right?

@messedupandstuck the minute you block him. You will feel free of him.

@messedupandstuck

I hate how right you are.. if this was a friend I'd say the exact same to them. I am going to try and hit that block button before the week is through.

I promise you, you will feel so liberated after blocking him.

You are then freeing yourself from the hold he has over you and being emotionally tied to him.

I won't judge you at all, but once you're out of the fog, you will question what you ever saw in him to begin with.

Hi OP - im really sorry you are suffering and I don't think you've made the biggest of your life - you've just been deluded, deceived and manipulated- and the big mistake would be to not learn and improve your life choices. I think if you are single then your part in infidelity is nothing like the person who is cheating. I'd never 'blame' the OW or OM.

I think, although uncomfortable to acknowledge, it is worth understanding that an affair is not like a usual relationship. Its not just thats its secretive with stolen moments and endless challenges to cross to be 'together' - often just future faking.
No the real issue is that cheaters usually go for someone who is also cheating- with just as much to lose, who places fewer demands and where the together forever future is more often a fantasy or escapism for both of them.
When a cheater goes for a single person who's feelings might grow without betraying anyone-all their ability to suffer not progressing the relationship is solely out of loyalty and duty to the cheater. For this to work the cheater needs to find someone 'smaller' than them - someone they can manipulate, outsmart, win arguments and leave them feeling guilty for wanting more - the most natural and positive thing in a healthy relationship.

Your OM has targetted you precisely because he feels bigger than you, able to control you and not ache for you as you do for him. Power imbalance in relationships hurt the one who is more in love who is made to feel clingy and weak and unworthy.

The cure is to find someone smaller - (settling) or grow to be someone who won't be played and wants an equal reciprocal loving relationship.
You won't ever feel that from this man. Every text or contact momentarily soothes the pain he's left in you - but prevents you from healing.
The answer is to do the two things that everyone does- 1 feel bad and 2. start to feel better.

You feel bad,, you feel hurt - and feel soothed by his attention- but to fully heal you need to leave the wound alone- even though its painful - and it will gradually start to heal feel better. Honest x