I've messed up and made the biggest mistake of my life. How do I get through this?

[messedupandstuck]

Fully aware I'll probably get a lot of hate for this but here goes. My partner cheated on me and we separated. I had a close male friend at work, around 12 years older and before I saw it coming we had crossed the line into more than friendship.

I guess I was feeling rejected and had low self esteem as I wouldn't have done this usually... also it was a very gradual thing and not intentional from either side.

He isn't married, has a child and a girlfriend and always told me they were basically flatmates. Not that it justifies it but I have no reason to disbelieve it as we spoke constantly so he couldn't have been doing much with her at home.

I didn't want to take him away from his family, I didn't think too much into it, enjoyed the attention and our friendship. There was some physical but it was mostly a strong connection and daily chat. It went on for over three years as we were close friends at work and then spoke in the evenings.

Recently his partner became suspicious and things became strained between us. He wanted to have a break and reconcile with me but it took this for me to realise what the hell I had done.

It's over now. He wants to stay friends but says it has to be in secret which to me is dodgy territory. But I can't think about not having him in my life anymore. We no longer work together so I won't have to see him but we have a ton of mutual friends who are none the wiser so I will probably have to see him at some point.

I'm not sure how I got here.. I didn't think but I also didn't plan on this. Neither did he. I feel completely suicidal to be honest. I don't know how I expected this to play out but it hurts so much, I've not eaten in days and feel like I have nothing to live for.

How do I move past this, especially in lockdown where I'm stuck at home with my own thoughts 24/7. I don't know what to do.

It doesn't sound like you actually had much of a relationship to be honest. If this went on for three years and you're still not even sure of the background between him and his partner, I have to ask why? Why are your standards so bloody low? He hasn't even made it clear what's going on at this stage when your relationship is ending. That's pretty unbelievable after three years.

I would say imo the vast majority of relationships would not have got to this stage because the vast amount of people would have asked a lot more questions.

I think you need to really think about this and I think you need to start showing some empathy yourself for his partner and child. You seem to think this is understandable behaviour from him because he's unhappy at home. That's not right.

Sorry OP, I don't mean to sound harsh or hurt your feelings, but you said that his partner recently became suspicious (after 3 years of daily contact)? and he became cold on you?
I call bullshit on that. He didn't care about her the past 3 years, and was clearly well capable of covering his tracks and deceiving her.. so why would that suddenly be an issue now?

Again, I'm sorry to kick you when you're down, but I know his type oh too well. I'd guess there is a pregnancy, an engagement, or maybe he even grew tired of your relationship and couldn't think of any other way to end it with you. You know he's a liar, so you have to remind yourself that what he says isn't necessarily the truth.

Please, please block him. Take back the power.
As someone up thread already said, as soon as you do that, you're free of him.

@messedupandstuck

We literally we spoke non stop in the evenings right up until bed. He's staying for the kid. That doesn't really help me.

You know he can do stuff with her once in bed right? It's not like he texts you 'goodnight' and immediately falls asleep. That's most likely where they have sex. Could have been having sex a lot.

You are in denial completely I get that. But you need to give yourself a slap basically and wake up. He was lying to you. There's no way it took several years of no sex for her to start becoming suspicious. I bet if you talk to her, she will say they have a normal loving relationship. He was lying to you. He will always lie to you. And he'll always be capable of being a cheater. You might not even have been the only one, he could have had loads of girls on the go.

Your friends are probably also aware of what you've been doing and will have been gossiping about it. I wouldn't convince yourself that you were both sneaky enough to avoid that, they will have known, people aren't stupid when it comes to that. Mind you if I was your friend, I'd have told you to get a grip and stop being stupid, so they aren't great friends.

Delete his number, end the friendship and never be friends with him again. Maybe start looking for new friends too, true friends that will be honest with you. Your current ones aren't. You will not move on unless you remove him from your life completely.

These kind of relationships never feel normal, they are always intense and difficult to get out of.
I got involved with a married man years ago and looking back there was something missing in my life. I don't think I had enough support or the right kind of people around me at the time. Work on what you want out of life and before you know I this man will be a distant memory.

He contacted me today but I haven't responded.

About how miserable he is at home, he's only scaling back as she's got her eyes on him all the time. Definitely no pregnancy or engagement! They are late forties. Tells me how much he misses and loves me bla bla bla.

It's weird I've constantly wanted to hear from him and now that I have I just feel a sense of peace and no desire to respond. I can't promise I won't, but if I do it will be to make it clear friendship is all we can have and there needs to be some space before that can happen.

I really don't think he's this manipulative guy though to be honest. We never committed to a future together and I guess it just spiralled into falling in love. That's not to say he isn't a bit of a shit, as am I, but he's such a gentleman in real life that I don't think anyone would expect him to do this. I'm not engaging in any conversation that could possibly break up a home.

I can't promise I won't

You can promise yourself you won't and make it your absolute priority not to by blocking him, deleting his number etc. You can do that today - you've heard from him now and he's still banging on with his self pitying shit. Close the door.

but if I do

Nope, you're already giving yourself permission there to reply when you said you know you need to not be in touch. You're not a passive passenger in your own life - take ownership of your decision not to be in touch and block, delete and move on.

it will be to make it clear friendship is all we can have and there needs to be some space before that can happen.

You aren't friends, this has gone too far. Space won't make it any more appropriate for you to be friends. It's over. Block, delete and move on.

Come on OP, nobody is winning here except mr pity party who has you right where he wants you again - agonising over him!

Block. Delete. Done.

Anything else is just dragging it out and delaying the inevitable. You'll feel sad, then relieved, then free.

You are kidding yourself here.

You feel 'at peace' because he's told you he loves you, etc. (ie you haven't 'lost' him).

You will contact him because you want this to continue, even though it's under the guise of 'friendship'.

Any conversation will be behind his partner's back and as such could break up their family. It's still cheating.

You are not doing yourself any favours here, just prolonging the agony of being someone's second choice.

Take control and end this charade.

@messedupandstuck

He contacted me today but I haven't responded.

About how miserable he is at home, he's only scaling back as she's got her eyes on him all the time. Definitely no pregnancy or engagement! They are late forties. Tells me how much he misses and loves me bla bla bla.

It's weird I've constantly wanted to hear from him and now that I have I just feel a sense of peace and no desire to respond. I can't promise I won't, but if I do it will be to make it clear friendship is all we can have and there needs to be some space before that can happen.

I really don't think he's this manipulative guy though to be honest. We never committed to a future together and I guess it just spiralled into falling in love. That's not to say he isn't a bit of a shit, as am I, but he's such a gentleman in real life that I don't think anyone would expect him to do this. I'm not engaging in any conversation that could possibly break up a home.

OP, please stop deluding yourself that a friendship is all you can have. There was no genuine friendship when he took advantage of your vulnerability.

This is lovebombing to reel you back in and I can already see that you are struggling.

Block right now. Don't leave yourself open to temptation again and don't even give him the opportunity to contact you if you are determined not to break up a home.

Get some therapy or think about why you're attracted to someone who is unavailable.

Also, yes he is awful. Sneaky, manipulative, capable of betrayal and so on.

you can do this. Clean break. Find your No.

OP I could have written this exact post (minus the child) about a decade ago, so I'll give you a window into your near future.

The 'flatmate' partner found out and our friendship ended temporarily while he 'sorted things out'.
No contact at all for 3 months during which time I went through a sort of grieving process (for our supportive friendship mostly).
He did actually leave her (the 'flatmate' element was true)
He was with someone new within a month of leaving her (ie someone other than me and her).

Nearly 11 years later we are loosely in contact (birthdays and Christmas') but to this date have never met up in person again so the supportive friendship never returned. I still sometimes wonder 'what if' but I think I dodged a bullet. It was a VERY painful period for everyone involved and I accept that I had a part to play in someone else's pain.

Brace yourself for a rough ride in the short term - I empathise.

If you reply op and offer friendship in the future, you are a complete fool and mug. Don't block his number, that means it's still on your phone. Delete it. If you actually want to move on, delete his number and forget about him.

If you reply, you are clinging on stupidly and it's your own fault when you get hurt more. He will NEVER be yours. He will NEVER leave her. He is sleeping with her. Accept that.

What the hell are you talking about, 'he's not manipulative'?

he's only scaling back as she's got her eyes on him all the time

This is proof of him being manipulative in the same post. Do you not think he's manipulating her? And if not, how do you not think that? And if you agree that he is, is this the kind of person you want to offer friendship to?

I'm not engaging in any conversation that could possibly break up a home

Why is your concern 'his home'? Continued conversation with him could break YOU. That's your concern, here: your own well being.

Despite all of this, you still don’t see it OP.

If he stays with his partner, you cannot be friends with him. Not ever. Not even after a bit of space. Because it will be behind her back, sneaking around. Come on, you know that’s not ok, especially given your history.

You feel at peace because you’ve been assured of all the things you wanted to hear. He is miserable without you, his relationship is awful and he’s still thinking of you. That gives you the big emotional hit you were missing and craving.

You’re already starting to cave “....we’re both shots”....”...if I respond to him” “....if we become friends”..... I don’t think in your heart of hearts that you’re committed to walking away from this,

If he wanted to be with you, he would.

OP, if you read his messages and respond, then you are continuing the affair. You cannot be friends with him, you know that. What sort of man wants a friendship with the OW behind his partner's back? How disrespectful to his wife, to tell her its all over, and then come running to you throwing "secret friendship" crumbs, keeping you on the back burner in case his relationship goes wrong.

You are continuing to believe his lies and to feel sorry for him. He could walk out that door any time he wants, but he chose to stay with her. He didn't pick you when he had to make a choice. He stayed with her.

You deserve better. You need to block him and never see him again. Stop falling for his lies and his "poor little me" routine.

If you have the bad misfortune to end up with him, he will do it to you one day. It's an age old pattern.

I just wanted to come back with an update and thank everyone who gave helpful advice. He messaged me Valentine's Day and threw a strop when I didn't entertain his words. I think he was expecting affection from me and was shocked not to get it.

Someone said I'd reach a point when I didn't understand what I saw in him... that's where I am right now. I am not even slightly attracted to him now and feel how I did when we first met.. I see flaws and traits that I'd never look for in a man. It's weird how it was able to grow past that in the first place but I think it was more the feeling it gave me than him specifically.

I feel strangely empowered now.. I've picked up a new hobby, am investing into my family and career and I no longer feel like something is missing now that I'm not speaking to him constantly. And to anyone else who is in a similar situation.. it will all come around in the end and you'll feel so much better about yourself. I've no doubt he will probably go seeking another, best of luck to him and shame for his poor girlfriend.

Thanks for the update OP. It is good to hear that you are now at a point where you no longer rely on him for validation or approval.

You know now what sort of person he is when he doesn't get his own way. He clearly doesn't respect you so you need to find that respect within yourself. As you say, it is empowering when you stand your ground and not relent to this manipulative behaviour.

Now block his number already.

Good on you op.

I do hope you muster the courage to tell his he exactly what he has done though.

She doesn't deserve to spend her life with his horrible man.

She may not believe you but I'd at least want to give her the facts of what he has done. And the shit he has being saying about her. Then let her make up her own mind.

I do understand if you dont want to get involved though.

Have you blocked him now then?

Well done for putting an end to this OP. I am glad you are feeling better. Please think about telling his girlfriend the truth. All cheating people will try to minimise their relationship. This isn't to say he set out to be manipulative but he has been. His girlfriend deserves not to live a life built on lies. It would be such a waste of an innocent persons life. Imagine if you were the one in her situation.

Good luck for the future.

Thank god you've seen the light.

You know this isn't about love, romance and friendship for him don't you. Stop looking at the day to day texting, yearning and wanting, what really matters is what does he actually think of you?

He thinks you are weak, and a pushover.
He thinks you are less atractive than his primary partner.
He thinks you have less qualities than her, or he would have left.
Men will always take the better option even if children are involved.
You have been used for 3 years, no other love life except for him.
He laughs at that, his control, his power his intellegence, he thinks you are an idiot.

I',m sorry op but these are the facts and this will go on indefinetly for as long as you allow it.
Do you not want your own life? and man who doesn't take you for a mug, because that is all he is doing, he is humiliating you everytime you pick up, give in, and play his little game.
Don't worry he will find someone new after you, he probably has others anyway that he keeps on the backburner.

Horrible harsh facts, but the truth, don't let him make a mug of you any longer.
He is laughing right now behind your back.
He is laughing right now behind his girlfriend's back.

You are not getting one over on her just because you know, and she doesn't.

Let her know, the twat needs stopping.

He targeted you when you were at a low ebb after your previous partner cheated.

He look advantage, of a much younger and naive colleague - he manipulated you and pounced. I suspect he has form for this.

However I don’t buy your “helplessness” over the subsequent 3.5 years - that’s just denial and delusional.

You were crystal clear he was living with his child and partner and you were complicit in the deception. Right up until Sunday.

You need to own this.

How old is his child op? Are you able to think hard about them whenever he crosses your mind and remember the very good reason you are cutting him off? And are you able to avoid him in work or is it going to be a crossing paths in the office, attending the same meetings kind of set up?