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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've messed up and made the biggest mistake of my life. How do I get through this?

124 replies

messedupandstuck · 01/02/2021 12:28

Fully aware I'll probably get a lot of hate for this but here goes. My partner cheated on me and we separated. I had a close male friend at work, around 12 years older and before I saw it coming we had crossed the line into more than friendship.

I guess I was feeling rejected and had low self esteem as I wouldn't have done this usually... also it was a very gradual thing and not intentional from either side.

He isn't married, has a child and a girlfriend and always told me they were basically flatmates. Not that it justifies it but I have no reason to disbelieve it as we spoke constantly so he couldn't have been doing much with her at home.

I didn't want to take him away from his family, I didn't think too much into it, enjoyed the attention and our friendship. There was some physical but it was mostly a strong connection and daily chat. It went on for over three years as we were close friends at work and then spoke in the evenings.

Recently his partner became suspicious and things became strained between us. He wanted to have a break and reconcile with me but it took this for me to realise what the hell I had done.

It's over now. He wants to stay friends but says it has to be in secret which to me is dodgy territory. But I can't think about not having him in my life anymore. We no longer work together so I won't have to see him but we have a ton of mutual friends who are none the wiser so I will probably have to see him at some point.

I'm not sure how I got here.. I didn't think but I also didn't plan on this. Neither did he. I feel completely suicidal to be honest. I don't know how I expected this to play out but it hurts so much, I've not eaten in days and feel like I have nothing to live for.

How do I move past this, especially in lockdown where I'm stuck at home with my own thoughts 24/7. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
5128gap · 01/02/2021 15:20

No cure for the heartbreak. Just the cliches about time making it more bearable.
You won't feel this way for ever.
Does anyone in RL know? If not I'd strongly suggest confiding in one close friend. It will be tougher to go through if you have no one to talk to.

StarfishExpress · 01/02/2021 15:20

@intheenddoesitreallymatter

Deep breath, OP.

He is not the man you think he is and he has played both you and his partner. He has cheated on the Mother of his child and has played you like a fiddle.

You deserve better, and will get better, than this man. You are nobody's second best and you are nobody's secret. Cull all existence of this man from your life today, take his stuff to the tip, all clothes etc that remind you of him and start fresh.

It will hurt like an absolute bitch but if you clean break now then in three months he will be a distant memory. Call up a friend you trust and tell them the whole story, I imagine they will be far more understanding than you expect.

You aren't a dirty leper, you are no less worthy of love than before this happened and you shouldn't beat yourself up that you partook in this. You were vulnerable and he took advantage of that. He's a bastard and you and his partner deserve better.

This is such lovely and excellent advice. I have nothing else to add except that I'm sorry you're going through this.
Original poster
messedupandstuck · 01/02/2021 15:47

@litterbird

Oh I feel for you and your pain. Its horrible isn't it? Ok, there is a theory that gets banded about called 30 day no contact. This means absolutely wiping him from your existence. No sneaky peeking on SM or sending texts or calls etc etc....clearing your space of everything that reminds you of him. Giving yourself 15 minutes a day to think of him, grieve and cry then pick yourself up. Its cold turkey, bloomin hard and it hurts but it gets you over the worst bit. When I had to go through it I had an elastic band on my wrist, when I thought of him I pinged it so hard it hurt and my mind was distracted. Within a week my thoughts went to anger and I slowly moved on. Its hard I know but you have to get through this.
Thank you. I think I'll try this. My problem is I didn't stick to no contact from the get go.. I tried and he said it wasn't necessary. I should have stuck to my guns and I'd be through the worst of it by now instead of dragging it out. The elastic band trick sounds like a good idea too.
OP posts:
Original poster
messedupandstuck · 01/02/2021 15:48

@Marley20

Yes, flatmates have children together all the time. Grow up.
There's no need for that. Obviously I'm well aware they weren't always flatmates but relationships do often turn into a more platonic setting when you've been together 10-15+ years, it happens.
OP posts:
Original poster
messedupandstuck · 01/02/2021 15:51

Thank you everyone for all your kind advice and not telling me to go to hell. Good people do have bad judgement sometimes and make mistakes.

Bad people chase this stuff or do it in happy relationships or don't feel guilt for others feelings. But sometimes people with morals find themselves caught up in the mix and falling in with both feet before they've even realised what's happened.

OP posts:
Ruminating2020 · 01/02/2021 16:12

Don't beat yourself up op. You are doing a lot of self reflecting which shows you are trying to learn from the situation and move on.

Nobody is 100% perfect and even moral people make mistakes from time to time. You're clearly feeling extremely guilty about what you did so you're not a bad person.

Please be resolute in your no contact with this man though. Absolutely nothing can be gained from remaining "friends". Wanting to keep your friendship a secret should set off alarm bells that he isn't trustworthy. Genuine friendships allow open and honest communication.

chillied · 01/02/2021 16:25

Hey OP, you're doing OK. This could be a worse 'worst mistake'. No-one has died. No-one's going to prison. Even, in fact, his relationship with his child's mother seems not to have broken up - it seems he CAN stay for his kid, and that might not have been his decision to make.

So I think you can punish yourself a little less, love yourself a little more. You will find a way out from these current terrible emotions. There's some good advice in this thread about cutting contact and distracting yourself.

Marley20 · 02/02/2021 10:48

@messedupandstuck

There's no need for that. Obviously I'm well aware they weren't always flatmates but relationships do often turn into a more platonic setting when you've been together 10-15+ years, it happens.

How would you know, I'm willing to bet you've never had a 10+ year relationship. I've nothing against people who fool around with attached partners really, you do you. However, you don't get to piss all over someone's life then rewrite history to garner sympathy for your poor choices when it doesn't work out as you planned. You're not a bloody victim, you knew what you were doing and you made your choices, get over it. Next time make better choices.

Original poster
messedupandstuck · 02/02/2021 11:55

[quote Marley20]@messedupandstuck

There's no need for that. Obviously I'm well aware they weren't always flatmates but relationships do often turn into a more platonic setting when you've been together 10-15+ years, it happens.

How would you know, I'm willing to bet you've never had a 10+ year relationship. I've nothing against people who fool around with attached partners really, you do you. However, you don't get to piss all over someone's life then rewrite history to garner sympathy for your poor choices when it doesn't work out as you planned. You're not a bloody victim, you knew what you were doing and you made your choices, get over it. Next time make better choices.[/quote]
There's no need to be so horrible. And I have been in a relationship for that long actually before I broke up with my partner. The attraction can fizzle our.

No I don't know for sure he is flatmates with her and no it doesn't excuse what happened. The signs were there though and he constantly spoke to me so couldn't have been doing all that much with her.

OP posts:
Original poster
messedupandstuck · 02/02/2021 11:56

And I'm sure you've made a mistake at least once in your perfect life.

OP posts:
NameChanged294749 · 02/02/2021 12:13

Don't listen to the hate OP. You've been really brave coming on here to open up about this. I say this as someone currently pissed off about my partner's behaviour with another woman. We all make mistakes, it's how you deal with them that matters. Onwards and upwards Smile

Original poster
messedupandstuck · 02/02/2021 12:15

@NameChanged294749

Don't listen to the hate OP. You've been really brave coming on here to open up about this. I say this as someone currently pissed off about my partner's behaviour with another woman. We all make mistakes, it's how you deal with them that matters. Onwards and upwards Smile
Thank you so much. I hope he also realises what a tit he has been Thanks

I think people sometimes go down the wrong path as an outlet to deal with something they are feeling, missing, or struggling with.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 02/02/2021 12:58

He wants to stay friends but says it has to be in secret which to me is dodgy territory

What respectful friend would insist that the friendship is based on such an uncomfortable foundation for you? For me, it's all in that one sentence. 'He wants', and disregards your boundaries. What about what you want?

Original poster
messedupandstuck · 02/02/2021 13:04

@Eckhart

He wants to stay friends but says it has to be in secret which to me is dodgy territory

What respectful friend would insist that the friendship is based on such an uncomfortable foundation for you? For me, it's all in that one sentence. 'He wants', and disregards your boundaries. What about what you want?

You are right. To be honest he may want to continue as we were and be more and more shifty about it but of course I don't want any of that. I've had a brush with the reality of what is going on.

I will find it incredibly hard to cut him out of my life. I have stayed friends with all of my exes even if it hasn't ended the best. Hopefully we can get to a point where we have a civil friendship and I don't get tempted to return to anything else. This has brought me down to earth with a massive crash.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 02/02/2021 16:06

If you're the sort of person who wants to stay in touch with people who are disrespectful to you, you probably need a bit of a crash to earth. I realise that sounds a bit harsh, sorry. Always be nice and respectful to other people, on the condition that it doesn't preclude you being nice and respectful to yourself.

This man does not want what's best for you. Why would you keep him in your life? Why would you think you should? What do you think he will bring you, given that he regards his wants as more important than yours?

Original poster
messedupandstuck · 02/02/2021 17:17

@Eckhart

If you're the sort of person who wants to stay in touch with people who are disrespectful to you, you probably need a bit of a crash to earth. I realise that sounds a bit harsh, sorry. Always be nice and respectful to other people, on the condition that it doesn't preclude you being nice and respectful to yourself.

This man does not want what's best for you. Why would you keep him in your life? Why would you think you should? What do you think he will bring you, given that he regards his wants as more important than yours?

You're totally right. I guess I just struggle with letting people go. I know that's extremely pathetic!
OP posts:
Eckhart · 02/02/2021 17:29

You're not very nice to yourself, are you. Why is that, when you're so very very forgiving of others? Did your childhood look like that? Having to be lovely to everyone else whilst having your own feelings disregarded?

Sorry, you might not want to say.

But lots of people find it hard to let people go. It's a sign of the capability to form strong emotional connections with people. Once you choose the right people, it's a skill you'll be happy to have. It's not pathetic.

tct131416 · 02/02/2021 17:36

I've been in a very similar situation. Two things:

  1. It's feel like you'll never get over it - you will and you'll look back and be amazed at how low someone so insignificant could make you feel
  1. I can highly recommend you read the book 'Mr Unavailable & The Fallback Girl' by Natalie Lue - I don't know if you can get a paper copy, I read it on the Kindle app. I found this when I was desperately looking for ways to mend my broken heart and it became my Bible for quite some time.

So many millions of women have been where you are now and you will get past it.

BeMyCherryBest · 02/02/2021 17:51

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Eckhart · 02/02/2021 17:59

@BeMyCherryBest

I would advise you get a life instead of dabbling in someone else's relationship, I've never understood what makes women like you so desperate. He's just as bad obviously. Both scum IMO.
Nice. Why are you so low on empathy? And why do you need to be insulting? Was your partner unfaithful to you?
Marley20 · 02/02/2021 18:06

Actually I think there's every need for it and you need to hear it. It's not hate, I don't even know you. I don't have a perfect life (it's pretty good at the moment though), I've made mistakes, some pretty big ones. I've even been the OW in the past when much younger. Never expected more than I got though, who would from someone who is willing to do that to their family. I never invested, just had fun then went my way and accepted I was a cow sometimes.

You need to own what you do, not look for sympathy. You were in the wrong, you got burned, so fucking what. There's plenty of people in the world with real problems. You are not one of them, you're just looking to fuel the drama and you obviously want the loser back. If you have any self respect at all why would you even want to 'stay friends' with such a dick. PS, you never were and never will be friends, he's just hoping to stay in touch so you'll start shagging him behind his partners back again. If he had ever wanted you, you'd be with him. Men don't tend to stay for the kids and if you think otherwise you're in for a lot of heartache.

ILikeToMoveItMoveItILikeToMove · 02/02/2021 18:07

You made a mistake OP you know that and it’s now ended. I don’t understand why some people enjoy sticking the boot in so much on here. Just ignore the haters who most likely have their own agendas and/or think they are perfect in every way and never make wrong choices. He bares responsibility for this affair too, it’s not all on you by any means.

Please seek some help for your mental health, you need support to get through this.

Things will get much better but take the good advice you have received on here. Ignore the bad.
Get all his stuff together and post it to his work or tell him where you will leave it for him to collect.
Then block him on everything starting right now and don’t think about being friends in the future, you need a clean break. It might just act as a way for him to draw you back in if you stay in contact.
Work on yourself, you are in control of your own happiness and you will be happy again.
Take small steps and find joy in the little things. Keep yourself busy, think of little projects you can do to take your mind off things. Go hour by hour at first then before you know it days will go by and you will start to feel further away from the situation.
You can get past this OP Flowers

BeMyCherryBest · 02/02/2021 18:09

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Eckhart · 02/02/2021 18:11

@Marley20

There's plenty of people in the world with real problems. You are not one of them

What makes you think that you're the one who gets to decide that?

ILikeToMoveItMoveItILikeToMove · 02/02/2021 18:11

@BeMyCherryBest

I would advise you get a life instead of dabbling in someone else's relationship, I've never understood what makes women like you so desperate. He's just as bad obviously. Both scum IMO.
@BeMyCherryBest - Vile post. Why post that? What do you hope to achieve? OP has stated she feels suicidal and you think it’s appropriate to say that. Absolutely disgusting. Shame on you.