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Original poster

I've messed up and made the biggest mistake of my life. How do I get through this?

124 replies

messedupandstuck · 01/02/2021 12:28

Fully aware I'll probably get a lot of hate for this but here goes. My partner cheated on me and we separated. I had a close male friend at work, around 12 years older and before I saw it coming we had crossed the line into more than friendship.

I guess I was feeling rejected and had low self esteem as I wouldn't have done this usually... also it was a very gradual thing and not intentional from either side.

He isn't married, has a child and a girlfriend and always told me they were basically flatmates. Not that it justifies it but I have no reason to disbelieve it as we spoke constantly so he couldn't have been doing much with her at home.

I didn't want to take him away from his family, I didn't think too much into it, enjoyed the attention and our friendship. There was some physical but it was mostly a strong connection and daily chat. It went on for over three years as we were close friends at work and then spoke in the evenings.

Recently his partner became suspicious and things became strained between us. He wanted to have a break and reconcile with me but it took this for me to realise what the hell I had done.

It's over now. He wants to stay friends but says it has to be in secret which to me is dodgy territory. But I can't think about not having him in my life anymore. We no longer work together so I won't have to see him but we have a ton of mutual friends who are none the wiser so I will probably have to see him at some point.

I'm not sure how I got here.. I didn't think but I also didn't plan on this. Neither did he. I feel completely suicidal to be honest. I don't know how I expected this to play out but it hurts so much, I've not eaten in days and feel like I have nothing to live for.

How do I move past this, especially in lockdown where I'm stuck at home with my own thoughts 24/7. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 02/02/2021 18:13

@BeMyCherryBest

Not at all. I've just seen these scum people throughout life. In fact I knew someone would be along to reply with that lol.
You're fairly predictable yourself. Oh look, calling people scum.

Again.

It's good we've got the higher judges like yourself on this thread, whose opinion the world respects...

BeMyCherryBest · 02/02/2021 18:32

This reply has been deleted

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BeMyCherryBest · 02/02/2021 18:34

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ILikeToMoveItMoveItILikeToMove · 02/02/2021 18:40

@BeMyCherryBest - How can you be so vile and then add an lol at the end of your posts? It’s beyond strange. Now you are denigrating prostitutes. What the hell is your problem?

Eckhart · 02/02/2021 18:42

[quote BeMyCherryBest]@Eckhart

I think scum is quite fitting actually.
Look it up.[/quote]
What are you hoping to achieve, here?

Marley20 · 02/02/2021 18:46

@eckhart

There's plenty of people in the world with real problems. You are not one of them

What makes you think that you're the one who gets to decide that?

Oh please, jog on love. If you don't want people's opinions, don't ask 🤣🤣🤣

BeMyCherryBest · 02/02/2021 18:52

@Eckhart

It's my opinion, you don't like.. Tough.

Eckhart · 02/02/2021 18:53

@Marley20

Jog on?

You really do think you're it, don't you. Jog on yourself, sweetie pie. Have a little pat on the head as you go.

OP is upset. Telling an upset person that they don't have a problem demonstrates a lack of empathy. You and bemycherrybest are neither worth any further response.

BeMyCherryBest · 02/02/2021 18:55

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Marley20 · 02/02/2021 18:55

OP, I know you think this is from a place of hate, you don't want to hear it because you want everyone to tell you it's not your fault. But I promise it isn't. You sound like a 20 year old and if you don't grow up and adjust your thinking you will never be happy. This man is not your friend and never will be, if you persist in this fantasy you will be more hurt (bad English, trying to feed kids). Move on, accept you acted badly and GROW UP. I won't write anymore so say what you like about me. You've had my thoughts (as you asked all of us for). I wish you well.

Maze76 · 02/02/2021 19:06

I will be honest, the pain that you feeling, double that and you will be close to how it feels to be the wife or long term partner who has been cheated on. Simply put, there is no need for anyone to cheat on their significant others. The lying, hiding and sneaking around is part of the thrill for the cheater, it’s becomes an addiction. But, what often happens when they get found out, is reality hits and they crash down to reality. If he had wanted you full time, he would be. He’s not staying for his child, he’s staying because he wants to, the fact that he wants to continue to see you in secret says it all really. Know your worth. It’s going to hurt, yes you are going to miss him, but you will get through the crappiness and you will find happinesses

Marley20 · 02/02/2021 19:07

@eckhart

Ahhh, you're cute, I like you 🙄😂😍

Marley20 · 02/02/2021 19:53

@eckhart

Sometimes when you act badly you need to get called out on it. When my kids act badly I don't tell them how fucking brilliant they are. You may think you're the bees knees, dishing out much 'sympathy and support' but all you do is validate poor choices. You don't help anyone. Yes I do think I'm fucking brilliant, I value myself and my opinions and it's taken me a long time to reach this point. If someone asks an opinion I feel strongly about I'll give it, no malice intended. You may not agree, I could not care less. Do one with your 'poor you,,' fackery

BlueThistles · 02/02/2021 20:32

OP you can get through this.... honestly 🌺

evenBetter · 02/02/2021 22:03

Why so many pro-mistress posts on this thread? [vom]

Sunflower1970 · 03/02/2021 04:00

He is having his cake and eating it. Block and move on and avoid people who are in relationships in future.

AgentJohnson · 03/02/2021 05:05

How did you get here? Easy, you gave yourself permission with every ‘but we’re just close friends’ line you told yourself.

You are smart enough to know what an emotional affair is.

If you’re having suicidal thoughts, seek professional support.

tolerable · 03/02/2021 05:30

eeew..people
they are bloody horrible,i cant be arsed scroll back-particularly refer to-the reply that schitt?
op
if you are actual suicidal-please call samaratins,pm on here im not sleepy
theres loadsa guys.hes just one.
let it build you NOT break you

FellowFlipFlop · 03/02/2021 05:34

Someone earlier suggested imagining your thoughts of him being in black and white. I was in a relationship with a so called friend and was so dependent on him while he didn't give a shit about me (we were both single though he was just emotionally stunted).

What helped me was to visualise little strings attaching us and every time he was a shit I would imagine the little strings being cut and letting him drift off like a balloon. When he noticed, it was a struggle to disengage from him because of my own poor mental health, so he would feed me just enough attention to get me hooked again then he would lose interest.

Start snipping OP. It doesn't have to be a big drama, you can just let him drift away. You can make that decision to do that and he doesn't get a say

FellowFlipFlop · 03/02/2021 05:36

[quote Marley20]@eckhart

Sometimes when you act badly you need to get called out on it. When my kids act badly I don't tell them how fucking brilliant they are. You may think you're the bees knees, dishing out much 'sympathy and support' but all you do is validate poor choices. You don't help anyone. Yes I do think I'm fucking brilliant, I value myself and my opinions and it's taken me a long time to reach this point. If someone asks an opinion I feel strongly about I'll give it, no malice intended. You may not agree, I could not care less. Do one with your 'poor you,,' fackery[/quote]
You don't come across as fucking brilliant.

tolerable · 03/02/2021 05:41

op-ignore the mistress or pro mistress
you was a bit of a dick buying we arent in a relationship
you cant be friends
the man you thought he is-dizni even exist.he treated her shiteee,now you
therefore hurt is valid-please,do not crumble.
you have to love your own wee self,cry,ugly gry,put on sleep hypnosos on you tube...but dont let one gummer fuck you up.it happened.its done.its a new day.

MsDogLady · 03/02/2021 06:59

Hopefully we’ll get to the point of having a civil friendship and I don’t get tempted to return to anything else.

Don’t fool yourself, OP. Anything other than No Contact is a continuation of the affair. His Partner is insisting on NC and this must be honored. Think of how anxious and unsettled she has felt. Her child’s home has been destabilized. That this Loser is now pushing you to go underground is despicable.

Perhaps you should seek counseling to cope with your grief, strengthen your boundaries, and examine how you gave yourself permission to be selfishly complicit in his infidelity.

bridgertonian · 03/02/2021 07:13

Stop beating yourself up about it, affairs are very common (only have to look on here to see that) so you won’t be the first or the last that’s got involved with someone they shouldn’t. You feel guilty about it and accept you made a mistake, but however hard it is you have to move on and cut contact, if you still work together I’d stay civil but that’s it, you can’t build a friendship with this man it will hurt like hell and you won’t be able to move on. As others say, times a healer, busy yourself with something, anything, rather than be bored and start up the messaging again.

Kintsugi16 · 03/02/2021 07:16

When you say you ‘spoke’ to him every evening. Did you actually speak, or was it text/messaging/whatever?

BuffetShark · 03/02/2021 07:27

The signs were there though and he constantly spoke to me so couldn't have been doing all that much with her.

I want to say this gently op, as I can see you are hurting, and I don’t believe in kicking any woman when she is down.

You seem to be clinging on to the above quote, needing to still believe that there was a justification for him doing what he did. That you could still have a ‘friendship’ at some point in the future.

You need to let go. It is entirely possible (and quite frankly very bloody likely seeing as it’s the exact same lie ALL cheating bastards tell when they get caught/are after ‘extra’ in the side. You were never friends, he played the same game they all do. He reeled you in and played on your vulnerabilities to get what he wanted. Excitement, that’s all you were to him.

The fact is, if you were more he wouldn’t be staying. Leaving a partner doesn’t mean abandoning your dc. He would t be trying to keep you as a ‘secret’ friend. It would be out in the open.

When I was 21 I had a boyfriend of three years. We got engaged, we were looking at houses together and planning dc.

I found out he was married. Very actively as his last child was born the day before he proposed to me.

You are worth more. So is she.