I've messed up and made the biggest mistake of my life. How do I get through this?

[messedupandstuck]

Fully aware I'll probably get a lot of hate for this but here goes. My partner cheated on me and we separated. I had a close male friend at work, around 12 years older and before I saw it coming we had crossed the line into more than friendship.

I guess I was feeling rejected and had low self esteem as I wouldn't have done this usually... also it was a very gradual thing and not intentional from either side.

He isn't married, has a child and a girlfriend and always told me they were basically flatmates. Not that it justifies it but I have no reason to disbelieve it as we spoke constantly so he couldn't have been doing much with her at home.

I didn't want to take him away from his family, I didn't think too much into it, enjoyed the attention and our friendship. There was some physical but it was mostly a strong connection and daily chat. It went on for over three years as we were close friends at work and then spoke in the evenings.

Recently his partner became suspicious and things became strained between us. He wanted to have a break and reconcile with me but it took this for me to realise what the hell I had done.

It's over now. He wants to stay friends but says it has to be in secret which to me is dodgy territory. But I can't think about not having him in my life anymore. We no longer work together so I won't have to see him but we have a ton of mutual friends who are none the wiser so I will probably have to see him at some point.

I'm not sure how I got here.. I didn't think but I also didn't plan on this. Neither did he. I feel completely suicidal to be honest. I don't know how I expected this to play out but it hurts so much, I've not eaten in days and feel like I have nothing to live for.

How do I move past this, especially in lockdown where I'm stuck at home with my own thoughts 24/7. I don't know what to do.

You'll just have to deal with it. It's what happens when you lie and cheat and you can bet your life they're not just "flat mates"

Same old story every single time.

You have to try and put him behind you. Lockdown is a good thing in this respect as you say you have lots of mutual friends - at least you can avoid him for the moment. Whenever you find yourself thinking about him, stop and make yourself think of something else.

Ignore the 'staying friends' nonsense - that's just bloke-speak for keeping you on the back burner for possible future sex. You have to cut him out of your life and out of your head.

Please reach out for real-life support if you are feeling suicidal. This man is absolutely not worth it - you have had a lucky escape and in time it will stop hurting and you'll come to see that you are better off without him.

I know how you feel - I'm on the brink myself with a work colleague. Nothing's happened yet, apart from very intense chats.

I've told him it's crazy what we're getting into and he agrees and has said ok we'll just be friends. I feel sad because we really do get on well but it has to be like this, the fallout would be horrendous.

We literally we spoke non stop in the evenings right up until bed. He's staying for the kid. That doesn't really help me.

@LApprentiSorcier

You have to try and put him behind you. Lockdown is a good thing in this respect as you say you have lots of mutual friends - at least you can avoid him for the moment. Whenever you find yourself thinking about him, stop and make yourself think of something else.

Ignore the 'staying friends' nonsense - that's just bloke-speak for keeping you on the back burner for possible future sex. You have to cut him out of your life and out of your head.

Please reach out for real-life support if you are feeling suicidal. This man is absolutely not worth it - you have had a lucky escape and in time it will stop hurting and you'll come to see that you are better off without him.

Thank you so much for the helpful advice

@HarmoniousDogs

I know how you feel - I'm on the brink myself with a work colleague. Nothing's happened yet, apart from very intense chats.

I've told him it's crazy what we're getting into and he agrees and has said ok we'll just be friends. I feel sad because we really do get on well but it has to be like this, the fallout would be horrendous.

Take it from me and do not cross that line. It will blow up eventually and you'll end up hurt. If you can stay friends then do so but if you feel that you'll go too far eventually then walk away while you still can and haven't developed any feelings.

Are there other friends or family you can call for a chat in the evenings? Find something to fill that slot - find a box set to watch, a game to play, a book to read, a craft or DIY project, cooking tomorrow's meal - anything.

@LApprentiSorcier

Are there other friends or family you can call for a chat in the evenings? Find something to fill that slot - find a box set to watch, a game to play, a book to read, a craft or DIY project, cooking tomorrow's meal - anything.

I guess but they don't know what a fool I've been. I do try to keep busy and it works for a while but it always catches up with me. I have things he's given me around the house, some of his stuff is still here... everything everywhere is a constant reminder. Even in the supermarket someone had his aftershave on and it triggered me and made me want to cry.

I really don't know how I got here. I didn't even fancy him in the beginning and now I'm broken hearted and feel like I can't live without him.

I have things he's given me around the house, some of his stuff is still here...

Make it a project to get this stuff either thrown away or out of sight. If you don't want to linger over it, just chuck it into a bin bag for the moment and sort it out when you feel stronger.

It's so often the way that a man you find unattractive for some reason grows on you. But when you get some mental distance, the hold he has on you will vanish and you'll honestly wonder what you ever could have seen in him. There isn't a short cut to that, unfortunately - you have to go through the pain first, but you will come out the other side and feel completely different. You just have to hang in there and gradually you'll find he occupies a smaller and smaller space in your thoughts. Get through the days one by one and that time will come probably sooner than you'd think possible now.

@LApprentiSorcier

I have things he's given me around the house, some of his stuff is still here...

Make it a project to get this stuff either thrown away or out of sight. If you don't want to linger over it, just chuck it into a bin bag for the moment and sort it out when you feel stronger.

It's so often the way that a man you find unattractive for some reason grows on you. But when you get some mental distance, the hold he has on you will vanish and you'll honestly wonder what you ever could have seen in him. There isn't a short cut to that, unfortunately - you have to go through the pain first, but you will come out the other side and feel completely different. You just have to hang in there and gradually you'll find he occupies a smaller and smaller space in your thoughts. Get through the days one by one and that time will come probably sooner than you'd think possible now.

Thank you so much, I really hope it all fades away eventually. I guess I've only ever had one boyfriend and he cheated and this guy was so different and so supportive.

If anyone said he'd end up breaking my heart now I'd have laughed in their face. I'd like to be able to be friends with him one day if I feel like I can, but not in secret. And he isn't allowed to speak to me at all which is understandable so I'm not sure if friendship will ever happen. It hurts to have lost him as we both have been struggling with our mental health and really have been there for each other.

These situations aren't always black and white. I do think he is geniunely unhappy at home and ended up here in the same way I did. I don't think he manipulated me or is just after sex. But I think we have both realised it was basically an affair when all along we saw it as a close friendship and just crossed the line a few times. Dumb I know.

I would put yourself in his partners shoes for a moment and reassess whether he is actually the great guy you think he is. So he has a child with someone, but is happy to have a long emotional and physical affair. Then even now after the shit has hit the fan and he is no doubt trying to rebuild their relationship, he is still secretly getting in touch with you, which I'm sure would devastate his partner. He doesn't seem like a decent kind of guy to me, he seems like a lying scum bag.

If you got what you actually wanted, her out of the picture and you in the position of girlfriend/partner... then you are the one he would start deceiving once the novelty wore off. There would suddenly be a vacancy in his life for a bit on the side, he would miss the drama and excitement im sure.

Honestly I think you are better off without him. I would take some time to work out why I was fixating on someone who isn't actually able to give me a proper relationship, rather than finding someone available to be with.

Never fall for the "I'm only there for the kids" line because 99.9% of the time that's not the case. It's the same as the "yes, we still live together but we're separating and not sleeping together anymore" bs.

He wanted some fun on the side and you have to accept that and move on.

Try to distract yourself from giving him even a second thought because he's not worth it. What about a good book or a new series?

I mean he hardly sounds like a catch op he's shown you he's a liar and a cheat, would you even want him if he was single?
I'd put his belongings in bin bags outside, send a text to let him know then block all communication.

Isn’t it funny how every MN thread that consists of someone carrying out a work affair has the same script. ‘They haven’t had sex in years’ ‘they’re basically flat mates’ 🙄

I don’t know what to say, if you feel this bad over a fling imagine how the mother of his children will feel when this comes out in the wash. Your best off cutting all ties, as hard as it is he loves her and clearly wants to be with her as he hasn’t left yet and is making YOU sneak around.

In regards to how you feel, small meals regularly, drink water and keep yourself distanced. He’s a shit and I’m sorry you’ve been reeled in.

You are worth more than this! you were his bit on the side. It's called having your cake and eating it!

He will do it again at some point! Look at this as a lesson learned! and the next time you get involved with someone make sure they're not feeding you the same old story. A leopard doesn't change his spots. If this creep was unhappy then the first person he should have spoken to was his partner. You were just available at the right time to massage his ego.

Deep breath, OP.

He is not the man you think he is and he has played both you and his partner. He has cheated on the Mother of his child and has played you like a fiddle.

You deserve better, and will get better, than this man. You are nobody's second best and you are nobody's secret. Cull all existence of this man from your life today, take his stuff to the tip, all clothes etc that remind you of him and start fresh.

It will hurt like an absolute bitch but if you clean break now then in three months he will be a distant memory. Call up a friend you trust and tell them the whole story, I imagine they will be far more understanding than you expect.

You aren't a dirty leper, you are no less worthy of love than before this happened and you shouldn't beat yourself up that you partook in this. You were vulnerable and he took advantage of that. He's a bastard and you and his partner deserve better.

Never mind about what is not black and white for him, or what his home life is like. You simply do not have access to that information. He is a proven liar and manipulator, you can't trust a word he says. You know this because he is still playing his girlfriend by seeking a secret "friendship" with you, which we all know isn't a friendship at all, never was, and is actually code for a continued EA which will rather predictably turn physical again because you've both been there already.

Nursing fantasies of friendship with him is a product of your romantic attachment to him at present. Delete, block, detach and pour your energy into dealing with your self esteem and boundaries issues. Perhaps then you will be in a place to find a stable, honest, nurturing and loving relationship with someone who has the capacity to respect their romantic partnerships. You are not going to find that with this guy. He is showing you that in vibrant technicolour. So cut the cord and choose a better life for yourself.

@intheenddoesitreallymatter

Deep breath, OP.

He is not the man you think he is and he has played both you and his partner. He has cheated on the Mother of his child and has played you like a fiddle.

You deserve better, and will get better, than this man. You are nobody's second best and you are nobody's secret. Cull all existence of this man from your life today, take his stuff to the tip, all clothes etc that remind you of him and start fresh.

It will hurt like an absolute bitch but if you clean break now then in three months he will be a distant memory. Call up a friend you trust and tell them the whole story, I imagine they will be far more understanding than you expect.

You aren't a dirty leper, you are no less worthy of love than before this happened and you shouldn't beat yourself up that you partook in this. You were vulnerable and he took advantage of that. He's a bastard and you and his partner deserve better.

Thank you so much for this. Despite it being hard to read and making me cry you are totally right.

I guess that's the problem.. I'm weak and attached to this man and going cold turkey and cutting him from my life is going to hurt so much and I'm terrified of doing it again. My previous breakup was beyond horrible and another one during lockdown is going to hurt like hell.

I'm going to screenshot this for if I start to waver though, thank you

Absolutely do not remain friends. Especially as he is being so secretive about it as well. You are not someone's dirty little secret.

Work on your boundaries and rebuilding your self esteem.

@NameChanged294749

Never mind about what is not black and white for him, or what his home life is like. You simply do not have access to that information. He is a proven liar and manipulator, you can't trust a word he says. You know this because he is still playing his girlfriend by seeking a secret "friendship" with you, which we all know isn't a friendship at all, never was, and is actually code for a continued EA which will rather predictably turn physical again because you've both been there already.

Nursing fantasies of friendship with him is a product of your romantic attachment to him at present. Delete, block, detach and pour your energy into dealing with your self esteem and boundaries issues. Perhaps then you will be in a place to find a stable, honest, nurturing and loving relationship with someone who has the capacity to respect their romantic partnerships. You are not going to find that with this guy. He is showing you that in vibrant technicolour. So cut the cord and choose a better life for yourself.

You're right. There is no happily ever after for us, I know that. I'd never want to break up a home even if it was a option.. it was a slippery slope and I just didn't think about the consequences and was very naive when I'm usually not.

I will cut him off, I won't rule out a friendship one day long after this but only within a group setting. No one on one chats or meet ups.

I really hope anyone considering going there with something like this thinks twice. It will turn your life upside down and destroy you, whether it gets found out or ends for another reason. The level of attachment is unreal, probably because you never see the bad side of a person, don't have to live with them and find them irritating, they present their best selves to you.

Im sure any of my friends would see this guy in his mid forties and wonder what I see in him. We have gone on day trips and been in a bar and men have come up to us and said as much. I need to start believing I can do better. But it's so hard. We have spoken almost everyday for 3.5 years.. longer than some real life relationships. It's crazy.

Good luck OP, you have totally got this

Honestly you have to treat it as you would a normal break up.
Try and forgive yourself for not knowing better at the time - ultimately you feel bad now, therefore you are a good person who got a little lost. I'm not saying you weren't wrong - you absolutely were - but HE is the one in the relationship.
At some point, almost everybody has to deal with heartache in this lifetime. Let yourself feel it, but understand that NOTHING lasts forever - the feelings WILL pass, that is proven time and time again by human beings all around you at work, on the bus, in the park. Many people you come across every day have mended broken hearts and moved on. You can too.

Oh I feel for you and your pain. Its horrible isn't it? Ok, there is a theory that gets banded about called 30 day no contact. This means absolutely wiping him from your existence. No sneaky peeking on SM or sending texts or calls etc etc....clearing your space of everything that reminds you of him. Giving yourself 15 minutes a day to think of him, grieve and cry then pick yourself up. Its cold turkey, bloomin hard and it hurts but it gets you over the worst bit. When I had to go through it I had an elastic band on my wrist, when I thought of him I pinged it so hard it hurt and my mind was distracted. Within a week my thoughts went to anger and I slowly moved on. Its hard I know but you have to get through this.

Yes, flatmates have children together all the time. Grow up.

What helped me during my last break up was to follow some advice I was given to picture my memories of him as being very small and in black and white. I know it sounds odd but it really did help.

So did getting back on the horse and joining Tinder. I know conventional advice is to leave it for ages before starting a new relationship, but actually doing the OLD gave me something else to focus on, and stopped me wanting to text my ex all the time.

Good luck OP - I know this feels shit right now, but this too will pass!