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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Navigating family events with dp’s ex

105 replies

Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 15:09

I really struggle when me and dp attend family events as his ex wife is usually there

  • just feel so uncomfortable

Any tips ? Not going seems wrong

Btw this obv isn’t in person currently due to cv

OP posts:
JumboShiitake · 31/01/2021 15:26

Watching with interest as I'm going to be in this situation once the pandemic is over. Not met her yet.

I don't have an issue with it but I suppose I'm just curious as to whether we are going to get on like a house on fire, take an instant dislike to each other, or if it will just be cool awkwardness 🙈

I have a very easy going, non awkward relationship with my exH's DP, although don't see her regularly. I'm hoping for the same.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 15:37

Hmmmm jumbo I have a v good distant relationship wirh my exh gf but i never go to extended ‘old’ family events - I see my (ex!) mil but separately

My dp’s ex however is at everything - she even sat on the top table at a big formal bday for dp mum a couple of years ago while me and dh sat on different one !

She has a v strong relationship dp family them through the kids which is nice but I do find it hard at family events and wonder should I just not go as it really details me (for eg her mum once thanked both her daughter in laws - dp ex and his bro’s wife )

OP posts:
TheChip · 31/01/2021 15:40

If its normal for her to be at these types of events, then it is probably best to do it now while it is not in person.

If it gets too much, turn your Internet off and say your Internet went down lol.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 15:43

Yeah @TheChip is normal but my question is do I really need to put myself through it ?
I love dp very much but feel like I am putting myself through unnecessary discomfort with theee events

OP posts:
sapnupuas · 31/01/2021 15:43

My friends MIL has the ex's children's names tattooed on her. They are not her grandchildren and were born after they broke up so she was never "step-grandma" or whatever.

Why does she even want to be at family events with her ex and his new partner? I honestly find it so bizarre when people carry on such close relationships with their ex in-laws. It's nice that they get on but surely out of respect and everyone's comfort you take a step back.

TheChip · 31/01/2021 15:46

No you don't. Do what is right for you.
Just go to the ones you cant get out of.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 15:48

@sapnupuas I def do with my ex h - I can’t imagine making him and his partner feel uncomfortable , we are amicable and go to our kids ‘ events together but I don’t go to his family events !

It’s really annoying and dp thinks it’s just a discomfort I have to endure !

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 15:48

@sapnupuas tattoo??? Omg hahaha

OP posts:
sapnupuas · 31/01/2021 15:53

Honestly, it's so weird. She still has photos up of the ex in her house, but not my friend who has a baby with her son!

The MIL has asked my friend to print out a photo of the ex and her family as part of the MIL's birthday present to the ex. It just makes my friend uncomfortable and it's so unfair.

Sorry, I'm hi jacking your thread to rant about a situation I'm not even in!

Onthedunes · 31/01/2021 15:53

Don't go.
You can't please everybody.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 15:57

@sapnupuas that is v so strange !

It def affects my relationship with his parents - for eg in five years they haven’t sent me even one bday or Xmas card for eg

My mum spoils dp rotten on his

OP posts:
gannett · 31/01/2021 16:02

It's nice that they get on but surely out of respect and everyone's comfort you take a step back.

Why should anyone take a step back from people they get on well with? There should be room for everyone here.

OP you don't say why you feel uncomfortable. Is it because of anything the ex is doing? Is she snubbing you are saying mean things to/about you? Or is the discomfort on your side because of what she represents rather than who she is? Have you actually tried getting along with and being nice to her?

If she hasn't caused or started any ill feeling then there's nothing to navigate. Just go along and be nice to her.

If she has caused drama already, or if you don't click with her despite trying, then just be as cordial as possible and focus your attention on people you actually do like at the event.

You don't get to make them choose between her and you when the ideal answer is that you should both be able to be at the same events without any fuss.

sapnupuas · 31/01/2021 16:09

*Why should anyone take a step back from people they get on well with? There should be room for everyone here.
*
Because they aren't her parents and it's unfair to make OP and her partner feels uncomfortable. The decent thing to do would be to take a step back and stop attending family events. It's selfish and it's weird to keep joining a family you're no longer a part of, especially at the expense of others.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 16:09

@gannett she’s polite to me and vice versa but she is still v much in the role of daughter in law

For eg his mum had their wedding photo up for ages until he eventually asked for it to be taken down, his mum once tried to show me their wedding photos , they just view her as the rightful wife and it really doesn’t help that she is with them as much as before

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 16:10

Btw dp and I have been together 5 years and are engaged (no kids together despite trying )

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2021 16:12

I would be rethinking this whole relationship, honestly. It's all too enmeshed, and even your partner isn't putting any reins on it. It seems to me you will always be some awkward outsider. That wouldn't work for me.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 16:15

@Aquamarine1029

I would be rethinking this whole relationship, honestly. It's all too enmeshed, and even your partner isn't putting any reins on it. It seems to me you will always be some awkward outsider. That wouldn't work for me.
I know - poor dp has tried but he is at the mercy of the v strong alliance between his mum and ex wife !

I love him v much and our relationship is great . Maybe I just should say I would rather not go

It would be miles easier if she had a new partner too but she never has ! She prob wouldn’t be going to everything if she did have a partner though right ?

OP posts:
gannett · 31/01/2021 16:16

Because they aren't her parents and it's unfair to make OP and her partner feels uncomfortable. The decent thing to do would be to take a step back and stop attending family events. It's selfish and it's weird to keep joining a family you're no longer a part of, especially at the expense of others.

She isn't making anyone feel uncomfortable. OP says she's perfectly polite. She's still a part of the family through her children, and in any case if they like her and she likes them there's no reason to let that relationship go. It doesn't have to be at the expense of anyone else.

However from OP's update it seems like the problem isn't with the ex but with her husband's parents not accepting her by not acknowledging her birthday etc.

Accepting OP shouldn't mean excluding the ex - and including the ex shouldn't mean freezing out OP. The parents-in-law seem to be failing on the latter. OP, this one's for your husband to sort out. He needs to have a word with his parents about how they make you feel. I don't think it's anything to do with the ex being there.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 16:19

@gannett

Because they aren't her parents and it's unfair to make OP and her partner feels uncomfortable. The decent thing to do would be to take a step back and stop attending family events. It's selfish and it's weird to keep joining a family you're no longer a part of, especially at the expense of others.

She isn't making anyone feel uncomfortable. OP says she's perfectly polite. She's still a part of the family through her children, and in any case if they like her and she likes them there's no reason to let that relationship go. It doesn't have to be at the expense of anyone else.

However from OP's update it seems like the problem isn't with the ex but with her husband's parents not accepting her by not acknowledging her birthday etc.

Accepting OP shouldn't mean excluding the ex - and including the ex shouldn't mean freezing out OP. The parents-in-law seem to be failing on the latter. OP, this one's for your husband to sort out. He needs to have a word with his parents about how they make you feel. I don't think it's anything to do with the ex being there.

I would say that whilst she is polite to me she definitely likes to get them all reminiscing about past events that exclude me

Maybe am just paranoid ! It’s making me doubt my own sanity tbh !

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 16:20

The sort of subtle female behaviour a man wouldn’t notice in a million years

OP posts:
UrsulaVdL · 31/01/2021 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UrsulaVdL · 31/01/2021 16:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellasciously · 31/01/2021 16:24

Simple I just wouldn't go to family events she was at. I'd see the in laws if you want to when she wouldn't be around. I get on with my ex in-laws if I see them around but I don't go to family events of my ex's would be weird.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 16:25

@UrsulaVdL

How about “...and did your own mother in law spend her time emphasising your husbands previous girlfriends, or do you think she would have found that a rude thing to do?”
Hahahaha love it !!!

I’ve just had enough of the many times have just felt like awkward outsider really

Not so bad currently due to cv (hurrah !) but I am just wondering can’t I just not go to stuff ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 16:26

@hellasciously

Simple I just wouldn't go to family events she was at. I'd see the in laws if you want to when she wouldn't be around. I get on with my ex in-laws if I see them around but I don't go to family events of my ex's would be weird.
I think I am going to do this. It is simple - just won’t go to family events she’s at (which is everything tbh!) hahhaa
OP posts: