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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Navigating family events with dp’s ex

105 replies

Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 15:09

I really struggle when me and dp attend family events as his ex wife is usually there

  • just feel so uncomfortable

Any tips ? Not going seems wrong

Btw this obv isn’t in person currently due to cv

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 10:50

Just makes me so sad it causes tension between me and him when it’s nothing to do with us really

OP posts:
HighSpecWhistle · 01/02/2021 10:58

@Emmie2021

Oh I understand, she clearly hasn't moved on as you'd hope she would after all this time.

I guess - as far as I can tell - you have two options

  1. go and fake confidence. Manage your own time there, say hellos then either spend time with DH away from here there or go outside. Come in every now and then to have a quick chat.

  2. or end the relationship. Not going sounds like it will cause problems in your relationship and will likely also make you feel miserable. Like you say, it's not a good feeling to be excluded and that will only get worse if you don't attend the events.

I suspect if/when you guys have a child (I hope you don't have to wait too much longer) they will start to want to see you more to see the baby.

Fwiw - much different circumstances but my in-laws are completely rubbish with me. We've been together 14 years and have never had a birthday card or Xmas card. They never come to see us and never invite us to theirs. We see them a few times a year and only when we go to them on an offchance. They don't know my 2 yr olds at all and gave them nothing for Xmas :( they live 10 minutes away.

Unfortunately family is often a let down. If your partner wasn't bothered then I'd say just stop trying but given he does want to still go etc, I think you're going to have to either go or suffer the fallout in your own relationship

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 11:11

[quote HighSpecWhistle]@Emmie2021

Oh I understand, she clearly hasn't moved on as you'd hope she would after all this time.

I guess - as far as I can tell - you have two options

  1. go and fake confidence. Manage your own time there, say hellos then either spend time with DH away from here there or go outside. Come in every now and then to have a quick chat.

  2. or end the relationship. Not going sounds like it will cause problems in your relationship and will likely also make you feel miserable. Like you say, it's not a good feeling to be excluded and that will only get worse if you don't attend the events.

I suspect if/when you guys have a child (I hope you don't have to wait too much longer) they will start to want to see you more to see the baby.

Fwiw - much different circumstances but my in-laws are completely rubbish with me. We've been together 14 years and have never had a birthday card or Xmas card. They never come to see us and never invite us to theirs. We see them a few times a year and only when we go to them on an offchance. They don't know my 2 yr olds at all and gave them nothing for Xmas :( they live 10 minutes away.

Unfortunately family is often a let down. If your partner wasn't bothered then I'd say just stop trying but given he does want to still go etc, I think you're going to have to either go or suffer the fallout in your own relationship[/quote]
Oh horrible for you ! Yes they have never ever sent me a card or anything!

Sadly I don’t think we will have children together as I’m prob too old- we’ve been trying For a year and nothing except one chemical

I think that makes it worse because dp I know doesn’t really want any more children as we have 6 between us but I really do hey ho xx

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 01/02/2021 11:17

If you said you would give these events a miss, would your DP still go? Would the family expect him to be present, whether or not you were? It might make more impact if you both backed away from them.

GreenClock · 01/02/2021 11:17

Have you any single male friends you could set her up with? She’ll probably stop clinging to her ex’s family if she finds a new partner

She’d look so much more classy if she took s step back but she’s obviously determined not to.

However your main problem is your partner’s parents as you know.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 11:55

@Butterymuffin yes he would still go am sure .. he is a real people pleaser and can’t beat conflict .. his idea of hell would be acrimony with his ex
@GreenClock she has done so much dating but can’t seem to meet anyone (which doesn’t help as dp feels guilty in think )
@

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 12:19

What you've said about it causing your partner stress when you bring it up, when you voice your feelings about it, that doesn't sound too good. Is he avoiding talking about it? Your feelings are valid here.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 12:22

When she does this, your DP needs to show a United front with you.

You can fake the confidence, that's a good way of dealing with it but he needs to be on your side too

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 12:26

@Silenceisgolden20 yeah it has in the past caused massive tension between us as he receives it as almost an attack on his kids ‘ well-being

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 12:29

Hmmmmm. Head in the sand there from him. He's taking it as a criticism on him. He will prob go along with whatever to keep the peace.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 12:30

@silence yep that’s it . His mum and ex are v dominant women types

OP posts:
gannett · 01/02/2021 12:38

OP do you have a good support network of your own friends and family?

It is really so much easier to grit your teeth at events where you feel like the outsider if you keep reminding yourself that you have the love and support of the people who actually matter to you.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 12:41

@gannett yes but i really miss my old extended family a lot (I was married for 20 years )

Also, dp family is very different from my own experiences of family life (culturally ) so also it’s new territory for me from that angle too

OP posts:
Whichnamepls · 01/02/2021 12:44

I would not be attending these events. And I would be really disappointed in my fiancé for being so dismissive and making it all about him when you try and raise it.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 12:47

He would rather me be uncormfy than his ex - I think he feels guilty tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 12:50

It’s also so annoying because I would just step back for my exh relationship to thrive not keep going to everything and make them feel uncomfy. Just so weird

OP posts:
YoniAndGuy · 01/02/2021 12:57

It really causes my dp stress if I voice upset about it but I am really not the most confident person in the world and miss my old family unit a lot when life was just more simple

He would rather me be uncormfy than his ex - I think he feels guilty tbh

No, he doesn't feel guilty. Sounds more like - he's found someone he can push about a bit, rather than being the one pushed around. Metphorically speaking, of course.

This is a problem between you and him - mainly him. This is a situation that pretty much ANYONE would find difficult. And what is he doing - shutting you down, not letting you express your (absolutely valid!) feelings. Making you feel guilty - poor dp - if you even try to carve a space for your feelings in your own relationship.

He should be supporting your right to not attend anything that the situation makes difficult for you. He won't stand up to them? Then he shouldn't be complaining that someone else doesn't want to deal with the fallout of him having no balls.

Think hard - sounds like he doesn't have your back.

YoniAndGuy · 01/02/2021 13:00

Oh - and really, I would stop ttc with him. Hard I know, but I think your life would become IMMEASURABLY harder if you needed more emotional and practical support - I think you'd really see then exactly how much he's willing to shit on your feelings so he doesn't have to piss off people who are stronger than him.

I bet you do miss your old unit Flowers

you can't go back to it, but you could think of how you felt in your heart when you did have it, and how you would give yourself the same sense of security and contentment now. You might find that the real fly in the ointment is actually someone much closer than his ex wife... him.

HighSpecWhistle · 01/02/2021 13:08

@Emmie2021

He would rather me be uncormfy than his ex - I think he feels guilty tbh
This is a real problem if what you say is right.

He should 100% put his kids first but you should be second, not the ex wife.

I couldn't be with someone who's loyalty seems split like his. It's been years, yet neither seem to have properly moved on. No doubt part of that is her still being deeply involved and your MIL for encouraging it. But I still couldn't be with someone, knowing that when push came to shove, he'd please his ex over you. No way.

Given that, and the fact you're on different wave lengths in terms of future children, I'd be reconsidering your options. I know you love him but both of these issues are big issues that will harbour resentment over time.

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 01/02/2021 13:38

I’m really surprised that people actually think it’s normal for the ex to be so involved still?!

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 01/02/2021 13:39

I’d take a step back and not attend any of these ‘family’ gatherings. If your DP doesn’t like it he can do one in my opinion, he seems to still hold a torch for this woman. Would you agree?

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 14:06

@YouKnowNothingJonSnow1

I’m really surprised that people actually think it’s normal for the ex to be so involved still?!
It is if they have a nice relationship with the in laws. But there needs to be some acknowledgment if new partners.. The ex does sound overboard here like she's doing it as a control/entitlement thing.

I agree with the previous poster about your feelings and what I was trying to get at too. Your feelings are being ignored here
He can't stop her doing what she does but he can stand up for you and include you a lot more. He can also talk to his DM and stand up for you.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 14:31

@HighSpecWhistle re kids it doesn’t really make much difference as am prob too old to have one anyone (mid 40s!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 14:36

@YouKnowNothingJonSnow1

I’d take a step back and not attend any of these ‘family’ gatherings. If your DP doesn’t like it he can do one in my opinion, he seems to still hold a torch for this woman. Would you agree?
No definitely doesn’t hold any torch for her - is just determined to have an amicable relationship and unfortunately in think this is taken advantage by his ex who does it from an entitlement position
OP posts:
Marley20 · 01/02/2021 14:41

If I were you in this circumstance I wouldn't go when she is there. It's all very well having a good relationship for the kids, that I could live with. This is a bit toxic though, like she's the DIL and you're not. They're purposely excluding you to make you feel uncomfortable. It's not healthy and you're under no obligation to put yourself through it. X

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