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Original poster

Navigating family events with dp’s ex

105 replies

Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 15:09

I really struggle when me and dp attend family events as his ex wife is usually there

  • just feel so uncomfortable

Any tips ? Not going seems wrong

Btw this obv isn’t in person currently due to cv

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 14:44

Btw he is a very lovely and emotionally intelligent man who also wants me to have a calm co-parent relationship with my ex. Which I do, but it’s much easier for him than me as he rarely sees my ex whereas I just feel she is quite intrusive

Also, he has instigated big boundaries since we met - it used to be a LOT worse, so he has tried but he is up against some very dominant women !

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 14:44

This will be engrained in him. How much you accept it is up to you.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 14:46

@Marley20

If I were you in this circumstance I wouldn't go when she is there. It's all very well having a good relationship for the kids, that I could live with. This is a bit toxic though, like she's the DIL and you're not. They're purposely excluding you to make you feel uncomfortable. It's not healthy and you're under no obligation to put yourself through it. X
His mum actually stood up at an event and thanked her DILs (when they were still married but separated ) - we had been together about 18 months then , was awful !
OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 14:47

And what did he say? Did he speak to his mother?

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 14:48

No , WE had a massive row !

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 14:50

Well I guess the row meant it was brought up. How was it resolved?

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 14:55

It wasn’t resolved really

We had massive row , then made up - don’t think he ever mentioned it to his mum

OP posts:
ThelmaNotLouise · 01/02/2021 14:57

Has he spoken to his mum about his ex being at every family event and them making you feel excluded? If so, what was her reaction?

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 15:00

Yes and they did come up with the solution that whichever of them had the kids would go to the event

Which works to an extent but not for significant events (she just comes to every big event still )

He sees it as her relationship with his family and nothing to do with us basically - he thinks I massively overreact

OP posts:
ThelmaNotLouise · 01/02/2021 15:01

How old are the kids?

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 15:03

19 and 16

OP posts:
ThelmaNotLouise · 01/02/2021 15:07

@Emmie2021

19 and 16
Quite old then. What happens if they don't go to a family event? Does she just turn up anyway??
Lovelydiscusfish · 01/02/2021 15:12

Just don’t go if it makes you uncomfortable. Life’s too short.

I used to spend a lot of time with my ex’s ex wife - we had Xmas together and all sorts! She even came away with us once. I didn’t mind that much as I liked her, but looking back in retrospect I don’t think I should really have been put in that position. (Funnily enough, they are back together now).

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 15:19

@ThelmaNotLouise the youngest one always goes and the older too mostly

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 15:21

@Lovelydiscusfish

Just don’t go if it makes you uncomfortable. Life’s too short.

I used to spend a lot of time with my ex’s ex wife - we had Xmas together and all sorts! She even came away with us once. I didn’t mind that much as I liked her, but looking back in retrospect I don’t think I should really have been put in that position. (Funnily enough, they are back together now).

God that speaks volumes !!

I don’t think they want to be together (def dp doesn’t ) but she sees him very happy with me and is like ‘why couldn’t you be this person in our marriage ‘ and is prob attracted to the happy him iyswim

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 15:22

She is still holding on and he’s had to do all the distancing whilst trying to remain amicable - she needs a bf !

OP posts:
averythinline · 01/02/2021 15:24

I'm confused...his DM has every right to invite who she wants if its her event...and have relationships with whoever she wants to invite to her own birthday....

Its not like they don't invite you as well..... just because you don't like her being there says more about your insecurity than anything else....

You/dp don't have to invite her to anything you host...... if you don't go to events because she's there you'll look ridiculous...
If your insecure in your relationship after 5 years maybe thats the reason...but your DP can't dictate who other people invite.... and probably doesn't make a fuss as realises people would think he was out of order...

If they didn't invite you that would be different issue...
You may not like her being there but maybe be just pick n choose which ones you go to and be too busy for others...

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 15:28

@averythinline hmmmm think you’re right

I will just have to decide on an individual basis ..

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 15:44

@YoniAndGuy

Oh - and really, I would stop ttc with him. Hard I know, but I think your life would become IMMEASURABLY harder if you needed more emotional and practical support - I think you'd really see then exactly how much he's willing to shit on your feelings so he doesn't have to piss off people who are stronger than him.

I bet you do miss your old unit Flowers

you can't go back to it, but you could think of how you felt in your heart when you did have it, and how you would give yourself the same sense of security and contentment now. You might find that the real fly in the ointment is actually someone much closer than his ex wife... him.

@YoniAndGuy wow this resonated so so much with me . You are very insightful

Yes I do miss my old life abs unit very much - grass isn’t always greener and my ex is an amazing man

God and also re TTC - in my heart I know you’re right too ! I am very in love with my dp but he is fragile in many ways and i find myself making a lot of concessions to keep him happy really (

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 16:04

Don't forget your happiness too.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 16:35

@Silenceisgolden20

This will be engrained in him. How much you accept it is up to you.
@Silenceisgolden20 sorry what is ingrained in him ? Xx
OP posts:
Andylion · 01/02/2021 16:40

So she comes -dh feel obliged she must cos kids and parents want her there , I get upset and round we go again

OP, does his DC want their father at family gatherings for their mother's family, and does he go?

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 16:42

How he behaves with her. As you said she is domineering. He's not used to upsetting her and plays a role with her to keep the peace.
Maybe he's chosen to be with you as you're not like that, which he likes, but he hadsn't found his voice with her in order to 'keep the peace '
And men say it's for the children (which is obvs true and good) but he also doesn't like confronting her behaviour.
It's their familiar pattern. Which is prob years old.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 16:45

Choose what event you go to if that helps. Let her think you don't care as far too busy living your own life.
Don't forget your happiness too though. Whatever reasons she has , isn't your issue and is a waste of your energy.

Your DP is the link here.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 17:00

@Andylion

So she comes -dh feel obliged she must cos kids and parents want her there , I get upset and round we go again

OP, does his DC want their father at family gatherings for their mother's family, and does he go?

No he never goes to anything on the ex ‘s side
OP posts:
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