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Original poster

Navigating family events with dp’s ex

105 replies

Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 15:09

I really struggle when me and dp attend family events as his ex wife is usually there

  • just feel so uncomfortable

Any tips ? Not going seems wrong

Btw this obv isn’t in person currently due to cv

OP posts:
Onthedunes · 31/01/2021 16:39

Don't go to anything.
Have your relationship separate with your husband and don't bother with the in laws.

It's not written in stone that you have to have a relationship with them.
Why would you go somewhere, where you are made to feel uncomfortable and an outsider ?

mootymoo · 31/01/2021 16:49

I'm interested in how others manage this, I'm invited to my ex's families events - 25 years is a lot of shared history. At the moment exh and I go without dp's but not sure how this will change if he wants to introduce his now getting quite serious gf to them, they are planning on living together. My thinking is my contact with them will reduce over time so a non issue (though they have expressed an interest in meeting my dp, a bit weird!

BlueJag · 31/01/2021 16:57

Hi do they have children?

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 17:05

@BlueJag

Hi do they have children?
Yes they do, teenage x 2
OP posts:
hellasciously · 31/01/2021 17:29

Has the ex got a new partner?

Maybe83 · 31/01/2021 17:32

When you call to my MILs its entirely possible that you will find one of DH or my BIL exs at her kitchen table.

They will be at Christmas events and anything children related. Two of them have had children with their new partner and have all been brought to visit. They talk regularly on the phone.

She has maintained relationships with them, and makes no apology for it. Her view is they were part of her family, they are her grandchildren mothers and she likes them.

She wouldn't however make me feel uncomfortable and treats me very much like her DIL but she also wouldn't stop if I didn't like it.

I think its nice to be honest and says alot about her as a person that despite all the drama that comes with relationships breaking down she has been able to keep independent and close relationships with them. She has alot of respect for them as they do her.

LolaSmiles · 31/01/2021 17:38

I don't think this is an ex problem so much as it's an in law problem.

The ex sounds reasonable enough if she is remaining polite. Your DP's parents are being incredibly rude in their treatment of you.

Your DP needs to make it clear to his parents that he has no issue with them being on good terms with his ex, because it's good everyone gets on, but you are his long term partner and they need to get a grip fawning over her and excluding you.

I'm guessing ex doesn't have a partner and it would be interesting to see what happens when she does get one though

Aquamarine1029 · 31/01/2021 17:56

I thinking the ex and the MIL both want your partner to go back to her. Keeping her in the thick of things, always involved with every family activity is deliberate.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 18:30

@Aquamarine1029

I thinking the ex and the MIL both want your partner to go back to her. Keeping her in the thick of things, always involved with every family activity is deliberate.
Hmmm that ain’t gonna happen tho
OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 31/01/2021 20:30

@hellasciously no she hasn’t had a new partner since they split (can’t meet anyone )

OP posts:
crosshatching · 31/01/2021 20:46

The thing is if they consider her to be family (and family is a pretty elastic term) what can you do? Is it a problem when you see her, or do you get on?
I would worry that if you don't go along you're signalling that you don't want to be considered family and that could be tricky later.
I'm any case your partner should be having a word with his parents about not making you feel excluded.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 09:19

@crosshatching

The thing is if they consider her to be family (and family is a pretty elastic term) what can you do? Is it a problem when you see her, or do you get on? I would worry that if you don't go along you're signalling that you don't want to be considered family and that could be tricky later. I'm any case your partner should be having a word with his parents about not making you feel excluded.
Yes agree with this re being family / inclusive

My dp has had many words with them about it 😅

OP posts:
Santaiscovidfree · 01/02/2021 09:38

Your dp needs to be less available for his family events. He isn't his dm's priority. She cares zero if she is damaging his new relationship... Concentrate on your life as a couple. I wouldn't be sure she would be any different when you have dc... But then no having an interfering mil is fantastic.

When we told mil I was pregnant she told me in a whisper his ex had wanted his dc and scowled at me.
We have been nc since ds was born.

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 09:50

I agree with @gannett

This in an in law problem not making you feel welcome. The ex hasnt really done anything. Why is it weird to stay in touch with your in laws? You can't change their relationship but they can accept you a whole lot better.
She's not a threat.

SeasonFinale · 01/02/2021 09:53

I think the thing is they do see her as family as she is the mother of the grandchildren. Does your DP ensure that his children visit his parents on his time because if he does not maybe they keep close to her to enable them to have contact with the grandchildren.

You call him your DP so I assume you are not married hence they still refer to her as a DIL because it would be more wordy to say thank you to DIL and ex DIL and easier to say thanks to our DIL x and y.

How long were they married? If they have had her in their life for 20 years as a DIL with Christmases and other events perhaps it is kind that she is still included. Not wanting to pry but were you the OW or did you come on the scene after? If the OW there may be an element of "punishment" going on. If not, they genuinely may not apppreicate that someone would feel uncomfortable about it. I am in the latter category and at first it bothered me but at some point I chose not to let it bother me and I am much more selective about which of these family events I go to and which I don't.

When my ex and I split my ILs did not directly contact me for about 5 years. We did meet at school plays, sports days and so on and they were always cordial. I have a DC with my current DH and whilst I don't give a monkeys that the ILs treat me as less worthy than the ex wife I do indeed have an issue that they treat our child together differently than DH's older child (his ex's DC).

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 10:01

@Santaiscovidfree

Your dp needs to be less available for his family events. He isn't his dm's priority. She cares zero if she is damaging his new relationship... Concentrate on your life as a couple. I wouldn't be sure she would be any different when you have dc... But then no having an interfering mil is fantastic.

When we told mil I was pregnant she told me in a whisper his ex had wanted his dc and scowled at me.
We have been nc since ds was born.

He has a v tricky relationship with his mum but they are a v close extended family really
OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 10:01

@Silenceisgolden20

I agree with *@gannett*

This in an in law problem not making you feel welcome. The ex hasnt really done anything. Why is it weird to stay in touch with your in laws? You can't change their relationship but they can accept you a whole lot better.
She's not a threat.

Yes think you’re right !
OP posts:
Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 10:03

@SeasonFinale

I think the thing is they do see her as family as she is the mother of the grandchildren. Does your DP ensure that his children visit his parents on his time because if he does not maybe they keep close to her to enable them to have contact with the grandchildren.

You call him your DP so I assume you are not married hence they still refer to her as a DIL because it would be more wordy to say thank you to DIL and ex DIL and easier to say thanks to our DIL x and y.

How long were they married? If they have had her in their life for 20 years as a DIL with Christmases and other events perhaps it is kind that she is still included. Not wanting to pry but were you the OW or did you come on the scene after? If the OW there may be an element of "punishment" going on. If not, they genuinely may not apppreicate that someone would feel uncomfortable about it. I am in the latter category and at first it bothered me but at some point I chose not to let it bother me and I am much more selective about which of these family events I go to and which I don't.

When my ex and I split my ILs did not directly contact me for about 5 years. We did meet at school plays, sports days and so on and they were always cordial. I have a DC with my current DH and whilst I don't give a monkeys that the ILs treat me as less worthy than the ex wife I do indeed have an issue that they treat our child together differently than DH's older child (his ex's DC).

Yes he sees the grandparents loads with the kids ..

We are w engaged not married and I wasn’t the OW, they hadn’t mutual split but she hasn’t met anyone - I think it was a shock he did as he was always seen as the ‘ difficult ‘one in the marriage

OP posts:
Santaiscovidfree · 01/02/2021 10:07

Rubbing his nose in his dm's relationship with his ex isn't a relationship I would count as close
.

smoothchange · 01/02/2021 10:11

It never used to bother me if DH ex wife was at a family event, they have grown up D.C. so over the years there have been a few of these. I was more then happy for both of us to be there, turned out she had some sort of issue with me which to this day I haven't managed to work out. Back in 2006 at a family BBQ she vocalised her hatred for me (privately of course) and I vowed never to attend another event she was present at, and I haven't.

Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable. You do not have to.

HighSpecWhistle · 01/02/2021 10:12

Unless there's reason not to, however hard it is initially, I think the best long term strategy to enable you to enjoy these events is to get to know her a little. Try to become friendly so that it's no longer awkward and no one feels put in the middle.

Not going would be immature. It would put your partner and his family in an awkward position and ultimately you'd be the one who misses out and looks bad.

But if you can break down the barriers and have a little laugh together you may find there's plenty of room for both of you to be involved in these events.

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 10:14

@HighSpecWhistle

Unless there's reason not to, however hard it is initially, I think the best long term strategy to enable you to enjoy these events is to get to know her a little. Try to become friendly so that it's no longer awkward and no one feels put in the middle.

Not going would be immature. It would put your partner and his family in an awkward position and ultimately you'd be the one who misses out and looks bad.

But if you can break down the barriers and have a little laugh together you may find there's plenty of room for both of you to be involved in these events.

I would really like to do that but honestly at these events she very much takes the place of the daughter in law (I do feel deliberately ) and I just feel like an idiot often !

Not sure if she has zero empathy or is deliberately doing it

OP posts:
Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 10:24

Let her get on with it if she's doing it deliberately. She's the one who looks a bit silly. You can both attend without it being a problem. But if you feel really uncomfortable you don't have to. Maybe only to go to what you choose to?
If you ignore it and carry on with your life she won't see it's getting to you.

It's a shame his DM is the way he is with you but that is their problem and up to your DP to address.

HighSpecWhistle · 01/02/2021 10:30

@Emmie2021

It must be really awkward. Rise above it though. Laugh along. Maybe before you go have a think of a few stories/experiences you can talk about that don't include the ex if she keeps going on about times that don't include you.

Show a united, happy front.

If it gets too much at the event, go outside for a break. Make a call to a friend or do some online shopping.

But if you don't go, it will only reflect badly on you and you'll feel even more excluded.

Hopefully once the kids are older and choose not to go to every event themselves, she'll be less present. I'm guessing they live with her most of the time now?

Original poster
Emmie2021 · 01/02/2021 10:49

[quote HighSpecWhistle]@Emmie2021

It must be really awkward. Rise above it though. Laugh along. Maybe before you go have a think of a few stories/experiences you can talk about that don't include the ex if she keeps going on about times that don't include you.

Show a united, happy front.

If it gets too much at the event, go outside for a break. Make a call to a friend or do some online shopping.

But if you don't go, it will only reflect badly on you and you'll feel even more excluded.

Hopefully once the kids are older and choose not to go to every event themselves, she'll be less present. I'm guessing they live with her most of the time now?[/quote]
Aw thanks such wise words

It really causes my dp stress if I voice upset about it but I am really not the most confident person in the world and miss my old family unit a lot when life was just more simple

So she comes -dh feel obliged she must cos kids and parents want her there , I get upset and round we go again

Just want to break the cycle but as you say if I don’t go it’s making a massive issue about it and they are after all dp parents not his ex wife ‘s

Just wish she would have some sensitivity and back off . I wouldn’t dream of constantly appearing at my exh family stuff cos he is there with his new partner plus my kids would find it mega weird

OP posts: