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Original poster

Sexual, flirtatious messages found on DH phone

138 replies

wellingtonsandwaffles · 28/01/2021 04:54

I always scroll these pages but barely post, so thank you in advance. I’m trying to work out how much of an issue this is - I’ve not slept a wink. I was shaking, felt sick, and now I’m just empty.

Context:
My DH and I haven’t been perfect - well ever - but we try and we love and we tend to communicate well. I have a very low sex drive but we do love each other despite arguments. We have a DS3 together.

Issue:
Suspected for a while, but took the plunge into his phone this evening. Got through a WhatsApp Lock Screen (noticed that recently) to find hundreds and hundreds of messages with a girl we know, who he used to work with in a neighbouring town. I’ve downloaded them all and taken screen shots, they start overly friendly then get flirty and end up sexual - not so much sexting but way overstepping the mark - he’s encouraging her to buy sex toys and guiding her on how to use and what it should feel like. This is interspersed with loads of Friendly chatty messages, and a few suggesting they’ve met up when I haven’t known. For example he told me he was out all day for an MOT in the town and just walked around cold all day waiting for the car to be done but seems as though they met up then. I made a point of saying he should have made plans to see someone and he deliberately went out of my way to say he didn’t. Several other attempts to meet up. I genuinely don’t think they’ve had sex or probably even kissed but it’s so flirty, so beyond the realms of acceptable exchanges and leaves me feeling empty and betrayed.

I’ve changed his phone password and left them a message on WhatsApp “good morning, congratulations on ruining a marriage etc”.

How big a deal is this? Where do we go from here? I feel so empty. I don’t know how to face him tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
wellingtonsandwaffles · 28/01/2021 04:56

There’s loads of jokey pics of vulvas and dildos and lots of talk of feeling “sexy”. There’s one token “love you!” from DH to the lady. I don’t know what to read from that.

OP posts:
Lifeispassingby · 28/01/2021 05:02

Here with a handhold and a hug for you OP

Original poster
wellingtonsandwaffles · 28/01/2021 05:05

Thank you, who on earth do I talk to about this? He’s a loved member of the community and all our friends are mutual. We are close to family and usually thrash issues about with them but I can stand the idea of ruining him in their eyes. These exchanges could risk his job.

OP posts:
Boboparadise · 28/01/2021 05:12

I'm so sorry your going through this. He seems a complete shit and you deserve to be treated better....way better. Would be the end of it for me...overstepped the line big style.

MsDogLady · 28/01/2021 05:32

I am very sorry that you’ve had this blow, OP. This is infidelity, deception and disloyalty. Your Husband has made a mockery of you and your marriage. Please don’t allow him to minimize this or shift the blame to you or ‘issues.’ He is a very selfish man who gave himself permission to lie, cheat, and pursue a sleazy ego boost.

You would be unwise to diminish yourself by keeping their dirty secret. I would send him away and tell trusted loved ones why. He needs a sharp shock and consequences and you need time and space to process/make decisions. Personally, my trust and respect would plummet, so I would have to end things. Flowers

Normalmumandwife · 28/01/2021 05:44

What do you want to do ? Perhaps take time and think this through as from what you say it doesn't sound like your marriage has been in the best of places?

If your DH was writing in MN, what do you think he would write?

Despite this, yes it is having an affair..why do you think they haven't had sex as that is pretty intimate discussion?

mildlymiffed · 28/01/2021 05:45

I'm so sorry @wellingtonsandwaffles . It sounds as if he's been engaging in an emotional affair. You must be devastated. Try and be strong. In no way are you to blame- as resultant conversations may try and lay blame at your doorstep (ie he was "just" searching for something that wasn't provided in the marriage). He doesn't deserve your pity nor support.

justanotherneighinparadise · 28/01/2021 05:54

Where is he now?

JemimaRacktool · 28/01/2021 06:05

You are way too apologetic for him. He's a turd.

Rainbowqueeen · 28/01/2021 06:08

So sorry op. Take some time to think about what you really want. You are what is important here.

You don’t need to make a fast decision you need to make a decision that’s right for you.

Best wishes

lunalulu · 28/01/2021 06:08

@wellingtonsandwaffles

Thank you, who on earth do I talk to about this? He’s a loved member of the community and all our friends are mutual. We are close to family and usually thrash issues about with them but I can stand the idea of ruining him in their eyes. These exchanges could risk his job.
Firstly, just to send you a giant handhold 💐 ... the shock of finding such messages is something just so awful, you are reeling right now. It rewrites the time this has begun going on and, as you say, things like the MOT day that you never thought twice about.

I understand why you don't want to go talking to everyone about this, and I think you are right. The more people who know, the more exposed and humiliated you may feel.

I know we are all virtual and seem miles away, but here is a really good place to talk, as it is intimate but not in your real life. You can pour your heart out and we aren't going to bump into him at the supermarket, at work etc (or if we do, we won't know it's him).

You say you have a low sex drive, so presumably that side of your relationship isn't very active, and he's fallen into this liaison as a result. No excuse at all, but you now need to give yourself time to process it and think what you want. This is all going to take time, and right now you just need to take it in. I'm so sorry. You will get through it. But just prepare yourself for more coming out now. I know you are sure they've never even kissed, but if they've met up, I'm afraid the likelihood is they will have.

Take it one step at a time. And I was going to say hear what he has to say, but actually what can he say?

gutful · 28/01/2021 06:12

You can talk to us!
Am so sorry this has happened to you.
I would hide my time & make plans with n the quiet.

He doesn’t know you know, so in a way you have an advantage right now.

AnyFucker · 28/01/2021 06:14

I think you might need to reconsider that they haven't had sex.

Shoxfordian · 28/01/2021 06:19

I’m so sorry op
Be angry, talk to people in real life, don’t feel like you should forgive this

Heartbeats0708 · 28/01/2021 06:45

Sorry you're going through this OP, similar has happened to me and that sickly feeling is awful. Sweet tea if you can manage it.
Somehow the emotional side of it stings more than the (potential) physical, it's such a betrayal.
Here to hand hold Flowers

MsDogLady · 28/01/2021 06:48

If they’ve met up after all the flirting and sex talk, they’ve likely had sexual contact, OP.

This is all on him. If he had issues, he could have discussed and worked on them with you. He chose to betray you and DS.

I hope you won’t protect him and his unethical decisions.

user1493413286 · 28/01/2021 06:53

I think the examples you’ve given show your downplaying what he’s done in your description and f they haven’t had sex yet I think it’s definitely heading that way.
I guess you need to see what he says and what you then feel. What do you mean by a loved member of the community and his job? Is he a vicar?

Miffyliffy · 28/01/2021 06:59

Wow. So sorry to hear this. That is absolutely gut wrenching.

That is just disgusting, I can't believe he has lied to your face like that and the level of deception is for me beyond fixing. How do you come back from that.

How do you trust him again??

Regardless of what you decide this is going to take a long time to get past and trust any man again.

StealthRoast · 28/01/2021 07:01

I agree that they’ve very likely had sex. Sorry op.

Did his position in the community etc. this is his doing and the chance he chose to take.

StealthRoast · 28/01/2021 07:01

Sorry should say SOD his position

Frownette · 28/01/2021 07:05

Have they seen your message yet? Horrible man. Don't let him minimise this.

DinosaurDiana · 28/01/2021 07:11

You need to talk to a solicitor.
Be ready for him to say it’s all just harmless fun etc, he might even cry and beg.
Do you have some family you can tell ?

PartoftheProbl3m · 28/01/2021 07:14

Not sure you have to be a vicar to be well respected

Jumpers268 · 28/01/2021 07:14

I really hope you're okay. I've been where you are and it's horrific. As others have said he will minimise and possibly place the blame on you (that's what my ex did). Hand hold Flowers.

MrsBrunch · 28/01/2021 07:17

Get ready for the blaming and minimising.

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