Sexual, flirtatious messages found on DH phone

[wellingtonsandwaffles]

I always scroll these pages but barely post, so thank you in advance. I’m trying to work out how much of an issue this is - I’ve not slept a wink. I was shaking, felt sick, and now I’m just empty.

Context:
My DH and I haven’t been perfect - well ever - but we try and we love and we tend to communicate well. I have a very low sex drive but we do love each other despite arguments. We have a DS3 together.

Issue:
Suspected for a while, but took the plunge into his phone this evening. Got through a WhatsApp Lock Screen (noticed that recently) to find hundreds and hundreds of messages with a girl we know, who he used to work with in a neighbouring town. I’ve downloaded them all and taken screen shots, they start overly friendly then get flirty and end up sexual - not so much sexting but way overstepping the mark - he’s encouraging her to buy sex toys and guiding her on how to use and what it should feel like. This is interspersed with loads of Friendly chatty messages, and a few suggesting they’ve met up when I haven’t known. For example he told me he was out all day for an MOT in the town and just walked around cold all day waiting for the car to be done but seems as though they met up then. I made a point of saying he should have made plans to see someone and he deliberately went out of my way to say he didn’t. Several other attempts to meet up. I genuinely don’t think they’ve had sex or probably even kissed but it’s so flirty, so beyond the realms of acceptable exchanges and leaves me feeling empty and betrayed.

I’ve changed his phone password and left them a message on WhatsApp “good morning, congratulations on ruining a marriage etc”.

How big a deal is this? Where do we go from here? I feel so empty. I don’t know how to face him tomorrow.

Sorry, was trying to quote @C0NNIE in my post above but apparently the new quote function on the android app doesn't work!

I’m so sorry OP what an awful thing to go through..... how are you feeling today ??

How are you OP? Have you spoken with him any more? Hope you're OK

I've been through this, also with a 3 year old son and also messages to another woman who was "just a friend" I decided to stay because he confessed. I never went through his phone or suspected anything he just felt really guilty and confessed that he got carried away with a few text conversations and then put a stop to it. It hurts so much and makes you feel sick to your stomach. I discovered afterwards that the woman had already blocked me on everything before he told me and I just sat there in shock about what was happening.

We have had some really important conversations about our sex life since and certain parts of our relationship have improved but I also haven't seen him in the same way since. And its been almost a year. He used to be a grown up responsible loving partner and father in my eyes. And now he's just an idiot that I'm putting up with. I do trust him though because I'm not constantly worrying that it will happen again. We have good times together, I still enjoy doing things as a family of three. The shock and the pain has worn off. But his betrayal has just changed how I see him unfortunately.

Be selective about who you tell at this point, I regret telling certain friends what he did but I don't regret telling my mum because I needed her. Think about who you really need to support you. Tell him that you need space and that you are not going to be able to think straight and make a decision right now. Maybe he could have your son at a relatives house for weekends while you figure out your next step. You have seen the messages yourself and you don't believe it was physical and you believe he wants to be with you so you don't need any more information from him right now. You just need space and support.

Sorry you're hurting, it won't hurt this much forever x

OP I am so sorry this is happening to you. I have also been there, and you've been given some great advice on this thread. There is almost certainly a guide book out there which tells them what to say..... almost always isn't what you think it is, they just needed someone to talk to, they're suicidal, then next tends to come the multiple reasons why you drove them to this behaviour. Its all nonsense, designed to justify shitty behaviour. you'll definitely find a drip feed going on, they only admit to just enough as if that somehow makes it better.

I tried to forgive my ex the first time he did this to me, but I became absolutely paranoid about him doing it again and the next two years were hell. When he did it again I threw him out (there were other issues too as he'd become abusive in that time) and he claimed to anyone who'd listen that I was controlling and he'd been forced to find solace with another woman because he was so suicidal being married to me. All absolute nonsense, but this is the kind of rubbish they spout in order to make themselves the victim.

Keep talking, get support and in no way should you ever blame yourself for his actions. He had a choice every time he sent a message to respect you and not do it, but he chose to continue. That's on him not you x

What a vile old creep, you deserve so much better x

‘ He used to be a grown up responsible loving partner and father in my eyes. And now he's just an idiot that I'm putting up with.’

So well put.

Hmm of course it’s not what it looks like and he’s suicidal. Does he always try to gaslight you and manipulate you?

How are you op x

Watermelon— I couldn’t have put it better myself— and it’s the knowing you will never feel quite the same again that’s a bit of a killer. It kind of ‘snuffs the candle out’ .

She mentions being a Virgin too. Reading through it all carefully now it’s clear to see it’s 98% him driving it. ... To me it sounds like DH was paving the way to sexual infidelity not just emotional... but he didn’t quite get there before I found out.

If she is a virgin and he is some kind of community leader (as you suggest that he is) this is disgusting.

How's things going op x

So sorry Wellingtons, you are worth so much more than this.

Well said @ravenmum

Don’t protect him, he didn’t protect you when he was initiating this betrayal, it is all on him. Must be a huge shock for you. The fact they’ve met up clearly shows intent, please don’t minimise his behaviour, you might be in denial, in your shoes I would most definitely be in denial but you need to weigh this up properly and see it for what it is, don’t let him turn this around, take control, you are calling the shots now and you will get through this.

Get your ducks in a row and don’t let him take the piss anymore.