Sexual, flirtatious messages found on DH phone

[wellingtonsandwaffles]

I always scroll these pages but barely post, so thank you in advance. I’m trying to work out how much of an issue this is - I’ve not slept a wink. I was shaking, felt sick, and now I’m just empty.

Context:
My DH and I haven’t been perfect - well ever - but we try and we love and we tend to communicate well. I have a very low sex drive but we do love each other despite arguments. We have a DS3 together.

Issue:
Suspected for a while, but took the plunge into his phone this evening. Got through a WhatsApp Lock Screen (noticed that recently) to find hundreds and hundreds of messages with a girl we know, who he used to work with in a neighbouring town. I’ve downloaded them all and taken screen shots, they start overly friendly then get flirty and end up sexual - not so much sexting but way overstepping the mark - he’s encouraging her to buy sex toys and guiding her on how to use and what it should feel like. This is interspersed with loads of Friendly chatty messages, and a few suggesting they’ve met up when I haven’t known. For example he told me he was out all day for an MOT in the town and just walked around cold all day waiting for the car to be done but seems as though they met up then. I made a point of saying he should have made plans to see someone and he deliberately went out of my way to say he didn’t. Several other attempts to meet up. I genuinely don’t think they’ve had sex or probably even kissed but it’s so flirty, so beyond the realms of acceptable exchanges and leaves me feeling empty and betrayed.

I’ve changed his phone password and left them a message on WhatsApp “good morning, congratulations on ruining a marriage etc”.

How big a deal is this? Where do we go from here? I feel so empty. I don’t know how to face him tomorrow.

The PP who suggested bluffing to get the truth- this.
Tell him you know everything, you checked because you heard it through the grape vine. Accuse him of sex as if you've already had it confirmed.

Men will drip feed once caught.
He will give you the minimum truth for the maximum time.

Save yourself the hastle by having him working back towards the truth than forward to it, it's usually a much shorter trip.

To me it sounds like DH was paving the way to sexual infidelity not just emotional... but he didn’t quite get there before I found out.

Don't forget this part OP. If you hadn't found out he would have continued to pursue this woman no doubt. Sending love and strength to you!

I feel so sorry for you, lockdown has made it worse. Remember he’s the loser here, sounds like his ego has got a bit too large, I am sure that’s deflated massively today and the other woman won’t seem such fun or exciting!! My ex husband left me with three young kids for another woman , got up and walked out with no notice . Thought it was one big joke, Six months later he was crying abs begging to come home , I had met someone else by then abs we have been married almost six years!!

@wellingtonsandwaffles

I’ve called and cried to a friend. Am going to run. Told him to be out of the house until nursery collection. He’s saying he’s suicidal and needs to talk now, that it was stupid messages between friends nothing more. I believe it was messages - ie emotional not physical - but I can talk to him until he’s ready to see the reality of what’s gone on between them

How dare he! He doesn't get to turn to you for support after what he has done.

Well done for standing strong, OP. Hang in there.

That must have been horrible writing down all the messages and a lot to think through but better that your eyes are wide open. I wouldn’t feel sorry for her especially as she knew he was married with a child. I think you just need to stay strong and not crack when he points the blame back at you which he probably will. Once the trust has gone it’s a difficult thing to recover and many people can’t get over it.

You are so strong! You're amazing xx

This is appalling.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
He had behaved abysmally and he will no doubt start gaslighting you. Stay strong OP. Keep a cool head and remember you are worthy of respect. A low sex drive is no excuse to treat you and your marriage like dirt.

You're doing amazingly well to hold it together. I've been in your shoes too. It feels like you've been punched in the stomach, and the world that you have known has been shattered around you.

I tried to re-glue my marriage back together after I was in a similar boat. It wasn't worth it. The trust had gone, and we ended up splitting two years later.

I cannot understand why these men think that the grass is greener. I'm sure many women also indulge in this behaviour, so I'm not generalising here! It indicates to me that they have a poor moral compass, and in all honesty, why settle for someone like that? You deserve better.

Sending strength x

He wont kill himself. Of course hes upset you found out..why wouldn't he be?? He was enjoying having his cake and eating it.

What a wanker. Obviously this will come as a horrid shock for you and will take time to process how you feel and where you go from here with the relationship. One thing I will say from experience is that once the trust has gone it can be very very hard to get back.

I wish I knew about this forum almost two years ago when I found myself in a similar situation to you. OP on this post know exactly what they are talking about. I didn’t know there was such a thing as a ‘script’ until I came on here. At the time, he blamed me and my low sex drive (and boredom) for the messages. It actually turned out that I was unknowingly sick for many years and once I got it sorted, my sex drive was super healthy (more fool him)! The only thing he didn’t do was threaten suicide as he’s too proud for that!

Please take note what people are telling you on here. It comes from experience. That wasn’t the first time we argued over inappropriate messages, even after saying it would never happen again. It’s almost like an addiction, the need to feel like they can still pull and they’ve still ‘got it’. What they are really sorry about is that they were caught, not that they were deceitful, disrespectful, inappropriate and hurtful towards you.

Forgive him now and I guarantee it WILL happen again. So we are now separated as there comes a point where, even with them gaslighting and blaming you for everything that went wrong in the marriage, there is something deep within that tells you that you are worth so much more than that, particularly as you would never treat anyone that way. I’d much rather be alone and miserable (as hard as that is) than deceived and disrespected (so much harder and gut wrenching). What am I showing my kids, that it’s okay to treat the person you love like that?

I’m so sorry for you OP, please stay strong and know your worth. Keep talking about it if that is what will keep you strong and on track 💐

I’m so sorry to hear this op.
I’m sorry but this is one of the worst ways someone can cheat imo.
He has the choice to stop but hasn’t, he’s hurting you to stroke his own ego.
You deserve so much more!

She’sheadingonin put it beautifully OP— it’s not that they think the grass is greener , it’s just that they would like ‘more grass’ and many have an underlying need to feel ‘they’ve still got it’ - even if they don’t intend to do anything about it— an awful lot are all talk. It is though disloyal, disrespectful, unkind and I can say from experience (and stayed) even if they go out their way to apologise profusely and kill it stone dead, you will very possibly never feel quite the same way about them again, it simply kills that feeling of total trust ! And I would say that sometimes if you do still care it’s actually kinder to make them move on and be great co parents if you really can’t feel the same about them.

I know it doesn't feel like it and you will be going back and forward between wanting to stay with him 'because you love him' and wanting to leave him because he is a cheating lying wanker..

But do yourself a favour and save future heartache. He will do this again.

You deserve more.

OP you have done so well. Please don't listen to his shady explanations, he will have an answer for everything. It is what it is and what he will do next (now he's tried the emotional blackmail of suicide) is to start gaslighting you that it wasn't intended to be that way etc.

He will probably also start blaming you for some of it - ignore. It doesn't matter if your relationship wasn't 100% perfect. If he wanted to go off into the sunset with his OW and a bag full of sex toys, then he should have ended your marriage first. This is his fault and the OW is definitely complicit, especially knowing he is married. There's nothing you can do/say to her...it isn't worth it (I've been there). Either way there was a full on emotional affair going on, with the intent to be sexual.

I really feel for you. I went through the same and ended it. The trust was gone and there was no going back.

I don't think it matters if it was sexual or not. The fact is he has hugely betrayed you and then tried to wriggle out of it when confronted. Rather than own it and apologise.
Whether or not he met her, touched her etc is really not relevant.
Sorry op. Its a horrible feeling.

@wellingtonsandwaffles

Thanks so much everyone, I feel so supported by you all. DH is with his brother so won’t be at risk. I told him he can’t commit suicide anyway as he has a son to take care of. I’ve written out all the main culprit messages - they fill a page. Wanted to get my head around it. The reason I don’t think they’ve had sex is when they managed to meet up it seems it was cut short for her work and he’s barely been out the house since though he’s tried to make plans to see her. She mentions being a Virgin too. Reading through it all carefully now it’s clear to see it’s 98% him driving it. I feel quite sorry for her, though not entirely as I’ve bought her lunch in the past and she knows our son - she knew she was overstepping the mark too. To me it sounds like DH was paving the way to sexual infidelity not just emotional... but he didn’t quite get there before I found out.

Of course she’s not a virgin! Women who have reached adulthood and decided for whatever reason not to have sex do NOT have a married male friend who advised them on sex toys.

It’s a role play game.

You need prepare yourself Op - they have almost certainly had phone sex if not RL sex. Men don’t invest the time to send hundreds of messages to a woman if they are not getting anything out of it.

Sending 🌺
Thinking of you OP

Of course she’s not a virgin! Women who have reached adulthood and decided for whatever reason not to have sex do NOT have a married male friend who advised them on sex toys.

Yep yep yep yep yep.

Stay strong OP. He is a twat. Read the script!

She's not a Virgin OP. And believe me he found time:

How are you op? Youre an inspiration in how you're handling this. So strong and whitty

This is horrible, sorry you're going through this.

I have a funny feeling reading this and you've written that she says she is a virgin.

How old is she...? I'm guessing early 20s at the very most.

If it is true that she is a virgin, then it makes your H's behaviour worse. He has indulged his fantasy as the big man, teaching the virgin. Urgh. And it is clear he is the driver in this. What a disgusting piece of work he is!

Are you starting to feel angry now Wellingtons? I feel angry on your behalf.

Not necessarily!! I still had my virginity in my mid twenties (which is a similar age to the lady OP has referred to I think!?) Someone very much took the role of OP's husband with me and I think me being "innocent" to it all probably spurred them on. I had no idea they were in a long term relationship until after I'd lost my virginity to them months later (needless to say I felt stupid and worthless for years after). I know it's not exactly the same as OP said the other female knows he's married, but just wanted to gently challenge the blanket statement that there's no way she's a virgin and it's all role play.

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP, as others have said he sounds like a desperate man who's been caught out and panicked. I'm not sure I could ever trust him again in your position 😕 He's definitely been unfaithful whether they have actually had sex or not.