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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexual, flirtatious messages found on DH phone

138 replies

wellingtonsandwaffles · 28/01/2021 04:54

I always scroll these pages but barely post, so thank you in advance. I’m trying to work out how much of an issue this is - I’ve not slept a wink. I was shaking, felt sick, and now I’m just empty.

Context:
My DH and I haven’t been perfect - well ever - but we try and we love and we tend to communicate well. I have a very low sex drive but we do love each other despite arguments. We have a DS3 together.

Issue:
Suspected for a while, but took the plunge into his phone this evening. Got through a WhatsApp Lock Screen (noticed that recently) to find hundreds and hundreds of messages with a girl we know, who he used to work with in a neighbouring town. I’ve downloaded them all and taken screen shots, they start overly friendly then get flirty and end up sexual - not so much sexting but way overstepping the mark - he’s encouraging her to buy sex toys and guiding her on how to use and what it should feel like. This is interspersed with loads of Friendly chatty messages, and a few suggesting they’ve met up when I haven’t known. For example he told me he was out all day for an MOT in the town and just walked around cold all day waiting for the car to be done but seems as though they met up then. I made a point of saying he should have made plans to see someone and he deliberately went out of my way to say he didn’t. Several other attempts to meet up. I genuinely don’t think they’ve had sex or probably even kissed but it’s so flirty, so beyond the realms of acceptable exchanges and leaves me feeling empty and betrayed.

I’ve changed his phone password and left them a message on WhatsApp “good morning, congratulations on ruining a marriage etc”.

How big a deal is this? Where do we go from here? I feel so empty. I don’t know how to face him tomorrow.

OP posts:
Lorieandrews · 28/01/2021 10:35

Oh. You poor thing. Just wanted to send love.

Deep breaths. Focus on you and bubs. Make sure YOU are ok. I believe you can do this and be strong

Sassysally12 · 28/01/2021 10:45

Sorry I have already posted but I just remembered a thread before a couple of years ago when the OP also knew the other woman that she found messages from, so she approached it like this.

“I heard rumours about you two because she told somebody who told somebody who told me, so I checked your phone for that reason and found the messages so I know everything, tell me one lie and your gone. Now tell me all’ he broke down and admitted everything because he thought she already knew, he said sorry bla bla it was just harmless fun and she said ‘what about the sex?’ (She didn’t think it was sexual at this point) and he said “it was only three times I swear” because he thought she already knew.

As otherwise it’s very rare a man will admit to something unless he thinks you already know and wants to tell his side of the story to make it seem better xx

ErickBroch · 28/01/2021 10:49

I find telling them you're going to call the police bc he's suicidal and needs help usually immediately stops their suicidal behaviour

WatieKatie · 28/01/2021 10:56

I’m so sorry OP, what a dreadful shock.

The mere fact that he lied about his whereabouts on the MOT day is grounds to be highly suspicious. Where did they go? What did they do? Given the content of the messages I highly doubt it was a socially distanced walk discussing the latest Covid statistics!

What woman needs to be told how to use a sex toy? Surely it’s pretty obvious? And if you genuinely needed to know a girlfriend would be a much better source of advice.

Stay strong OP.

lockdownshmockdown · 28/01/2021 11:00

They always pull the suicide card. I had an ex who did the same. Utterly pathetic.

SueEllenMishke · 28/01/2021 11:01

Yep my ex said he was suicidal too. Apparently he couldn't live without me.
He's was remarried in a year

EpochTime · 28/01/2021 11:20

Whilst you need to make the decision which is best for you, OP, please be aware that he will likely do this again, if not in the near future, then eventually.
I've seen it before. The type of man who develops a texting relationship such as the one you describe does it mainly because he gets bored every so often. Unlike people who work through periods of boredom by accepting them and developing techniques to alleviate boredom, his sense of entitlement results in him getting his kicks from developing friendships with women to the point where boundaries are stretched.
Whilst I am not absolving the other woman from responsibility, a charming manipulator can dupe some women into believing they are desired and cherished. Little thought, if any, will be given to you all the time he is providing her with this sort of attention.
Do not be taken in by the mention of feeling suicidal. Once he believes you are likely to forgive him, these suicidal feelings will quickly disappear.

Mulhollandmagoo · 28/01/2021 11:27

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, he sounds like a sleazebag! To me it wouldn't even matter if he'd met up with her at all, or kissed or slept with her, because sending messages to another woman about sex toys, how to use them and how they should feel would make me sick enough to my stomach that I'd want out - its disgusting! I hope you're ok, the next few weeks will be tough, but your life will be so much better once you're out the other side Flowers

SillyOldMummy · 28/01/2021 11:28

I'm so sorry OP, the shock of the discovery, then his "oh poor me I'm suicidal" routine... taking no responsibility and trying to persuade you it isn't what it seems (it's nearly ALWAYS worse than it seems). The betrayal, the lies, the attempt to minimise it... does he really not recognise the damage he has done is to YOU not him? How dare he make this about him not you.

ravenmum · 28/01/2021 11:38

The thing is, he might well be feeling desperate. He's been found out. One minute he was in a happy fantasy land where he was a sex god entertaining younger women. The next minute he was a cheating husband going behind his wife's back while she looked after their small child. One minute it was an exciting adult secret, the next minute his mum was going to be angry with him.

He will have just realised properly that his life is likely to fall apart overnight. When you are facing a totally unknown future in which you are a shitty little cheat who gets chucked out and separated from your child, there might really momentarily seem like no way out.

However, his mental state is caused entirely by his actions, and is thus his responsibility. Absolutely not the responsibility of the person those actions hurt the most. You don't kick someone in the stomach then ask them to rub your sore foot. As others have said, if he needs help, then he can go to his family or friends. You have enough on your plate to deal with.

rainbowstardrops · 28/01/2021 11:41

Of course he's saying it's not what you think. They all say that.

Lsquiggles · 28/01/2021 11:48

Oh what a coward, so sorry OP Flowers

AfterSchoolWorry · 28/01/2021 11:53

Oh, they have probably had sex. They met up, if they had a car. Of course they had sex.

Don't buy the suicide crap OP.

Get ready fot the script.

Catty1720 · 28/01/2021 12:02

@wellingtonsandwaffles

Thank you, who on earth do I talk to about this? He’s a loved member of the community and all our friends are mutual. We are close to family and usually thrash issues about with them but I can stand the idea of ruining him in their eyes. These exchanges could risk his job.
He should have thought about that before he did it then shouldn’t he. He hasn’t stopped and thought any of that for you.
Needhelp101 · 28/01/2021 12:14

@ravenmum

The thing is, he might well be feeling desperate. He's been found out. One minute he was in a happy fantasy land where he was a sex god entertaining younger women. The next minute he was a cheating husband going behind his wife's back while she looked after their small child. One minute it was an exciting adult secret, the next minute his mum was going to be angry with him.

He will have just realised properly that his life is likely to fall apart overnight. When you are facing a totally unknown future in which you are a shitty little cheat who gets chucked out and separated from your child, there might really momentarily seem like no way out.

However, his mental state is caused entirely by his actions, and is thus his responsibility. Absolutely not the responsibility of the person those actions hurt the most. You don't kick someone in the stomach then ask them to rub your sore foot. As others have said, if he needs help, then he can go to his family or friends. You have enough on your plate to deal with.

^^All of this. I'm sorry, OP.
Emeraldeyes20 · 28/01/2021 12:24

I am reading these posts all the time, it’s really really sad!! Some men don’t seem to appreciate the marriage and family they have and to be honest I think these ridiculous messages are mostly flattery and boredom . I wouldn’t read too much into the love you !! I had a man messaging me constantly who was engaged via Facebook after I asked a question about my son’s pet Python , it’s unbelievable and I had to block him . I think your husband is going to have a big wake up call today but I am not sure I through the whole marriage away because of it!! You need him to respect you again . Sorry this has happened 😢

Maray1967 · 28/01/2021 13:01

Another one who thinks ravenmum has put it very well. No experience of this myself so I’m sending concern and sympathy. I’m not sure I could get past this to be honest. If you cover it all up and take him back what happens then? Could you live with constantly having to check up on him - where he’s been, what and who he’s messaging? I know someone who went through similar and this is what made her realise it was over. She realised she was constantly checking up on him.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 28/01/2021 13:08

I think @ravenmum has it spot on - good luck OP.

Catty1720 · 28/01/2021 13:12

Ravenmum has summed it up fantastically

Morgan12 · 28/01/2021 13:22

Genuine question here OP, if they have met in person why are you so adamant that the affair didn't become physical?

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/01/2021 13:24

He’s saying he’s suicidal and needs to talk now

Course he is - I wonder if he would still be "suicidal" today if you hadn't of found those messages..me thinks not.

Well prepare yourself for the biggest load of bullshit you've ever had to endure OP. I think it's very naive to assume they haven't slept together, he'll never admit to that of course.

ChelseaCat · 28/01/2021 13:34

I’m so sorry OP, what an awful position you’re in Flowers

There’s some great advice on here and so much support for you. Stay strong

Original poster
wellingtonsandwaffles · 28/01/2021 13:36

Thanks so much everyone, I feel so supported by you all. DH is with his brother so won’t be at risk. I told him he can’t commit suicide anyway as he has a son to take care of. I’ve written out all the main culprit messages - they fill a page. Wanted to get my head around it. The reason I don’t think they’ve had sex is when they managed to meet up it seems it was cut short for her work and he’s barely been out the house since though he’s tried to make plans to see her. She mentions being a Virgin too. Reading through it all carefully now it’s clear to see it’s 98% him driving it. I feel quite sorry for her, though not entirely as I’ve bought her lunch in the past and she knows our son - she knew she was overstepping the mark too. To me it sounds like DH was paving the way to sexual infidelity not just emotional... but he didn’t quite get there before I found out.

OP posts:
Original poster
wellingtonsandwaffles · 28/01/2021 13:37

Though of course I could be wrong.... and all semblance of trust is gone

OP posts:
Itstimetoquit · 28/01/2021 13:38

Stay strong,I feel for you x