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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH making me feel vile about my debt.

102 replies

Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 27/01/2021 21:47

So my OH found out about my debt (which I’ve been slowly paying). It started around a year and half ago when he had his addiction. Basically I had to lend off loans etc to pay the rent, buy food. I didn’t tell him because it’d cause arguments, he didn’t work and refused to and if I offered he said he wouldn’t have the kids etc.

Yes he’s off drugs now, and he started working a few months ago so things have been easier now but back then it was so difficult. The debt I’ve built up wasn’t for me it was to keep a roof over our heads and the kids fed and watered and clothed. He’s made me feel so vile, saying I’ve ruined our chances of having a mortgage. He’s admitted he never helped then and I was trying to live off the bare minimum, but he’s saying I’m wreck-less and stupid (non of the debt was for my personal needs, In fact I haven’t bought Myself a thing for years. I’m sat here crying my eyes out I feel like such an idiot but I had no other choice at the time and I’m trying to handle it now.

OP posts:
category12 · 27/01/2021 21:53

It's not really your debt morally, is it - it's debt you took out to keep your family afloat.

He's a cheeky fucker giving you shit about choices you made while he was drug-addled. If he had been working, if he had not been spending on drugs, if he had helped you wouldn't be in the mess financially. He is as responsible as you are if your credit rating is poor.

You can rebuild your credit rating.

Is he really worth sticking with, if he's blame-shifting and bullying after all you went through?

JiltedJohnsJulie · 27/01/2021 21:55

What's keeping you with him?

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 27/01/2021 21:55

Oh OP. You've done nothing wrong. He should be so ashamed of himself. What a bad person he is to let you feel like this over a situation of his own making.

You deserve a lot better.

myrtlehuckingfuge · 27/01/2021 21:56

This isn't right and I suspect that he knows that. He knows that his addiction has led to you having to get into debt. You are the target of his redirected self-disgust. I'd leave, I know you are in debt but could you leave? Do you have any support in real life? Flowers

nimbuscloud · 27/01/2021 21:56

How dare he blame you for this!!

nimbuscloud · 27/01/2021 21:58

Are the children his?
Do you have supportive family?

Original poster
Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 27/01/2021 21:59

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I’m affording what i can to pay it back and some of its paid off already. £1500 outstanding at the moment. But he keeps saying that I’m always going to be in debt and the interest rates are going to sky rocket and basically We’re never getting a Mortgage now

OP posts:
Original poster
Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 27/01/2021 22:00

@nimbuscloud

Are the children his? Do you have supportive family?
Yes
OP posts:
Wishitsnows · 27/01/2021 22:02

So he's moved from being a drug addict to a financial and emotional abuser. You really should dump him. It won't get better.

nimbuscloud · 27/01/2021 22:02

Why is he not embarrassed and ashamed????
It was his addiction that caused this
Can you talk to him? Or is he ranting and raving ?

Original poster
Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 27/01/2021 22:03

@nimbuscloud

Why is he not embarrassed and ashamed???? It was his addiction that caused this Can you talk to him? Or is he ranting and raving ?
He’s just left for work, obviously not on good terms. I’m just lying in bed
OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 27/01/2021 22:05

Can you put write down for him what it was like trying to support the family while he was using drugs.
Spell it out in black and white for him.
Not that you should have to - the fucker should be on his knees begging for forgiveness

Santaiscovidfree · 27/01/2021 22:06

You need to put yourself first op... Who's name is the debt in?

Original poster
Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 27/01/2021 22:06

I tried to explain everything to him, that he didn’t contribute a penny and that every penny I borrowed was for household needs and not mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 27/01/2021 22:06

@Santaiscovidfree

You need to put yourself first op... Who's name is the debt in?
My name
OP posts:
HawthornLantern · 27/01/2021 22:07

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Nothing. Nothing at all.

Your OH is the only one who should be ashamed. For how he behaved then and how he is behaving now. He should be on his knees to you for keeping the family from the wolves.

He should be offering to pay those debts himself as he is the reason they exist.

And, for what it is worth, nothing drastic is likely to happen to interest rates any time soon. The economy simply couldn't cope. So the idiot should stop trying to scare you and start trying to take some responsibility for his own actions.

Unmumsnetty hug

CuntyMcBollocks · 27/01/2021 22:11

HE is the reason that you're in debt. How dare he blame you!! If he's blaming you for having a debt that HE left you no choice to do to keep your family afloat, then he will most likely start blaming you for being the reason that he had a drug problem. People like that always blame someone else instead of taking responsibility for their own actions. Angry

CuntyMcBollocks · 27/01/2021 22:13

FlowersFlowersFlowers for you OP

DeeCeeCherry · 27/01/2021 22:14

Wishitsnows
So he's moved from being a drug addict to a financial and emotional abuser. You really should dump him. It won't get better

^ This

It's a case of put up with him - or not.

You set your bar way too low and should've dumped him when he chose addiction over his family. Now, as you see, you get no thanks for staying around men who aren't worth it.
You are his scapegoat for his life failures and he won't change.

Just be aware OP of types that suddenly think they're better than you, and that you're not their equal - They tend to leave.

wowfudge · 27/01/2021 22:16

Jesus - he's the cause of the debt yet he's taking it out on you? This man is not a keeper if that's how he is repaying you for looking after your family.

Santaiscovidfree · 27/01/2021 22:16

Please don't let this put you off ending your relationship.
Me exh left me with 2 k of debt. I paid it off but at least he wasn't still around adding to it.
I was honest with the debtors and said he had left me with it all. I paid it off in small amounts without getting into any more debt /ccjs.

Giraffey1 · 27/01/2021 22:20

You have nothing to be ashamed of. He has. Tell him that it is down to him that the pair of you have debts and it’s about time he acknowledged this. Every time he comments about the debt, repeat that it is his fault, that it is only because of the actions you took that your family still has a roof over his head.. Don’t put up with it a moment longer.

harknesswitch · 27/01/2021 22:24

Next time he mentions it, simply tell him you've got nothing to be embarrassed about as your debt was as a result of his drug abuse and if wasn't for you taking that debt out, you and dc wouldn't have a roof over your heads. So actually the debt is his and as result of his behaviour.

Chloemol · 27/01/2021 22:25

And you are with him because?

If he can’t see that the reason for the debt is him, and he needs to step up to help pay it off, and is prepared to be so vile to you why are you staying? He’s no example to your kids and you will be better off without him

Honeyroar · 27/01/2021 22:29

You gave him his chance when he was dragging you through the shit with his addiction. Do not take any more from him. Ever. Seriously if he can’t appreciate your support and what you had to do to hold the family together while he was massively letting it down then he’s absolutely not worth another moment of your time. Bin the cheeky bloody waste of space. What a shitbag!

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