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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OH making me feel vile about my debt.

102 replies

Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 27/01/2021 21:47

So my OH found out about my debt (which I’ve been slowly paying). It started around a year and half ago when he had his addiction. Basically I had to lend off loans etc to pay the rent, buy food. I didn’t tell him because it’d cause arguments, he didn’t work and refused to and if I offered he said he wouldn’t have the kids etc.

Yes he’s off drugs now, and he started working a few months ago so things have been easier now but back then it was so difficult. The debt I’ve built up wasn’t for me it was to keep a roof over our heads and the kids fed and watered and clothed. He’s made me feel so vile, saying I’ve ruined our chances of having a mortgage. He’s admitted he never helped then and I was trying to live off the bare minimum, but he’s saying I’m wreck-less and stupid (non of the debt was for my personal needs, In fact I haven’t bought Myself a thing for years. I’m sat here crying my eyes out I feel like such an idiot but I had no other choice at the time and I’m trying to handle it now.

OP posts:
Star81 · 27/01/2021 22:30

So he had a drug problem, have you asked him how much he spent on that compared to what was borrowed ? Maybe if the money was going towards the family this wouldn’t have happened.

Explain that to him and ask him whose fault it really is ?

Then leave him.

daisyjgrey · 27/01/2021 22:30

Please don't get a mortgage with him...

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 27/01/2021 22:31

You've done nothing wrong. Please don't let him make you feel like you have.

He's either projecting (kind pov) through embarrassment or shame, because of course it's his fault. Or he's an abusing prick. You know which it is, I think.

sskanky · 27/01/2021 22:31

Honestly if you can't pay off 1500 you won't be getting a mortgage anyway. Leave this tosser.

Bagelsandbrie · 27/01/2021 22:31

He sounds vile.

You are in debt because of him.

£1500 isn’t even a lot of debt!

Closetbeanmuncher · 27/01/2021 22:31

How about if you weren't a useless fucking junkie there wouldn't be a debt.

Or just a simple keep your trap shut or fuck off should surfice.

Twat.

Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 27/01/2021 22:34

Thanks everyone! I have been considering leaving for a long time tbh. I had some happy news today that I’ve got a job! My boys will hopefully be back in school and nursery in February so i can work. X

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 27/01/2021 22:36

I imagine his employment history will be just as big a barrier. What. A. Dick

People borrow money all the time, even people with mortgages. Banks like that, it's shows you take repaying loans seriously.

Tell him to fuck off. And stop being a bloody doormat. Sorry but he really is being an utter shit and you are tying yourself in knots over it.

excelledyourself · 27/01/2021 22:38

Excellent.

And please don't concern yourself about the mortgage, other than never ever tying yourself into one with him.

Leave him, rebuild your credit rating, and get your own mortgage.

He's a selfish, manipulative, waster.

Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 27/01/2021 22:40

Luckily my credit rating isn’t even that bad. It’s around 550 at the moment so I know I could easily rebuild it, I pay my debts I just can’t pay massive amounts!

OP posts:
Couchbettato · 27/01/2021 22:48

OP, speak to stepchange and discuss your options re a debt management plan and to see if your creditors will freeze your interest.

There are other debt solutions that might be beneficial to you depending on the amount, some which sound scary at first but are actually a welcome relief when you understand them a bit better.

Don't let debt consume your life. And don't let your OH drag you down.

Littleposh · 27/01/2021 22:51

Have you asked him exactly how he managed to fund his drug habit??

Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 27/01/2021 22:51

@Couchbettato

OP, speak to stepchange and discuss your options re a debt management plan and to see if your creditors will freeze your interest.

There are other debt solutions that might be beneficial to you depending on the amount, some which sound scary at first but are actually a welcome relief when you understand them a bit better.

Don't let debt consume your life. And don't let your OH drag you down.

I owe around £1500 now
OP posts:
okokok000 · 27/01/2021 22:57

So you stood by him and held everything together whilst he contributed nothing at all and is throwing it back in your face? He should be ashamed his behaviour places you in the position you found yourself in and be falling over himself to pay "your debt" not chastising you! He is a cheeky fucker and his behaviour/attitude is once again showing you he only cares about himself, not you. Honestly this would be a dealbreaker for me. You deserve better.

keylimegreen · 27/01/2021 22:58

Do not feel embarrassed or ashamed, you did your best to keep your family together. I have been in a similar situation and I suggest leave, get advice from a charity such as Step Change, and start living again. Getting into debt to support a spouse and feeling burdened with it is so much pressure. Take care

MustardMitt · 27/01/2021 23:01

£1500 is barely anything in the grand scheme of things - what does he think a mortgage is, exactly?

But I agree with Littleposh - just how did he think he was funding his drug habit?

Anyway, he sounds like a cunt that you don't need.

TacCat49 · 27/01/2021 23:02

He is always talking about getting a mortgage. So is he saying that he has saved enough for a house deposit in the short time he has been working : i think not. He is being abusive and he certainly needs to be challenged on this remark.

nevernotstruggling · 27/01/2021 23:02

Like pp have said please get some formal debt advice for your own sanity and peace of mind.
Unless you have defaulted on loans they don't stop you getting a mortgage. You should look into this too online for your own knowledge and well-being.

Brilliant news about the job.

Your partner is clearly projecting his guilt on to you.
Is he clean now?

category12 · 27/01/2021 23:02

You'll be fine repaying that, and congratulations on your job!

Get rid of the guy, he's dragging you down and using this as stick to beat you with. But he's the fuckup, not you.

SittingAround1 · 27/01/2021 23:03

It's not true that you won't be able to get a mortgage just because you've been in debt. Congratulations on the job. I don't think your OH is worth it. He sounds awful.

CherryBlossomTree7 · 27/01/2021 23:06

Well done on the job.

You shouldn't be with someone who treats you so badly. You should leave him and will be much happier for it. Don't let the debt stop you from leaving.

babycakes1010 · 27/01/2021 23:11

Why are you with this piece of shit...he sounds awful.
He should be ashamed of himself!

catlovingdoctor · 27/01/2021 23:12

Get rid, what a waste of space!

liverpool1981 · 27/01/2021 23:19

He sounds a bit thick tbh. Congratulations on your job. How did he fund his habit. Maybe the after effects of the drugs are clouding his mind. I think you need a chat with him when you both have calmed down and don't feel bad as you were paying the way for your family. Flowers

Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 27/01/2021 23:23

The reason for quitting his last job (which I didn’t know at the time) was because of drugs. Savings etc from the previous job paid for the drugs I’m assuming. We were ok financially until the drugs

OP posts: