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Original poster

OH making me feel vile about my debt.

102 replies

Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 27/01/2021 21:47

So my OH found out about my debt (which I’ve been slowly paying). It started around a year and half ago when he had his addiction. Basically I had to lend off loans etc to pay the rent, buy food. I didn’t tell him because it’d cause arguments, he didn’t work and refused to and if I offered he said he wouldn’t have the kids etc.

Yes he’s off drugs now, and he started working a few months ago so things have been easier now but back then it was so difficult. The debt I’ve built up wasn’t for me it was to keep a roof over our heads and the kids fed and watered and clothed. He’s made me feel so vile, saying I’ve ruined our chances of having a mortgage. He’s admitted he never helped then and I was trying to live off the bare minimum, but he’s saying I’m wreck-less and stupid (non of the debt was for my personal needs, In fact I haven’t bought Myself a thing for years. I’m sat here crying my eyes out I feel like such an idiot but I had no other choice at the time and I’m trying to handle it now.

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 28/01/2021 08:18

Take the job, well done you! Ditch the abusive loser, run don’t walk. ‘Your’ debt my ass. I’m so sorry you’ve been so worn down by him that it isn’t obvious to say ‘it’s just me finding the money you spent on drugs whcih you were fired for and too much of a druggy to find work, you’re SO welcome.’

RB68 · 28/01/2021 08:26

He needs to help pay it down - it was 100% caused by his lack of contribution - work out what he didn't pay for in his yr off. The rent fairy doesn't come along and pay it for him just cos he doesn't feel like it - twat

VodselForDinner · 28/01/2021 09:41

I’d be more worried about your mortgage deposit. Where is it? Does he have access to it? Is it still there?

My best friend was married to a drug addict. At times he was off drugs, but he’s always been an addict. Constant lies and manipulation. He’s bait her and fight with her about relatively small things to deflect from a big issue he was trying to bury.

Check that your deposit is still there.

Original poster
Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 28/01/2021 12:55

Well after a huge rant at him today, I said my piece (and more), he’s apologised. He’s said we’ll sort through it and get it paid off soon and that he was shocked and feels like a piece of s* for having to deal with it on my own. He’s said if I can pay some towards it then that would be helpful but he’s happy to pay it out of his wages.

OP posts:
AudTheDeepAndCrispAndEven · 28/01/2021 13:09

You do know he's going to use this as a stick to beat you with forever right? His initial reaction is all you need to know. Get rid, he's a cocklodging abuser.

Dopo · 28/01/2021 13:13

@Theonethatgotawayawayaway

Well after a huge rant at him today, I said my piece (and more), he’s apologised. He’s said we’ll sort through it and get it paid off soon and that he was shocked and feels like a piece of s* for having to deal with it on my own. He’s said if I can pay some towards it then that would be helpful but he’s happy to pay it out of his wages.
Ah great. He's had a 180 turnaround and is all fixed.

Good luck op. You're gonna need it

billy1966 · 28/01/2021 13:38

Get out.

Your poor children with a waste of soace like that as a father.

Speak to Women's Aid.

Flowers
PurpleMustang · 28/01/2021 15:18

Just read your update. Hopefully his apology was sincere and he does make amends. Just keep your eye on the finances and once the debt is gone try and squirrel a bit away, either (in case you stayed) in case he relapses and you need the money or a escape fund to get you restarted.

MerryDecembermas · 28/01/2021 15:24

Plan to leave. No way is he going to stay clean. He's just waiting for the next excuse - something as trivial as a bad day at work, or something bigger like a family bereavement.

lifesgoodwithlg · 28/01/2021 16:22

I wrote a long piece this morning however it disappeared. He is a prime target for relapse as he did not take responsibility for his actions as an addict, never mind make retribution. No question about it, I would get into debt to feed my child and keep a roof over her heads, its what good parents like you do. I wish you the very best of luck, start putting money aside. Best of luck with your new job.

TurquoiseDragon · 28/01/2021 17:50

OP, keep you eye on his actions, they speak louder than words.

If you've been thinking about leaving him, I reckon the best thing you can do is gather information on doing just that, so you know what to do should his actions not match his words.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 28/01/2021 19:11

Well after a huge rant at him today, I said my piece (and more), he’s apologised. He’s said we’ll sort through it and get it paid off soon and that he was shocked and feels like a piece of s** for having to deal with it on my own. He’s said if I can pay some towards it then that would be helpful but he’s happy to pay it out of his wages

Like others have said, I'm glad he's apologised but I'd be still keeping an exit plan in mind, make sure you know where all of your documents are and you can get to them.

It might be a bit counterintuitive but I wouldn't be putting all of my money on the debt right now. See if you can negotiate a better interest rate and try to save some money in an account that he knows nothing about.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/01/2021 19:20

So in his opinion:

It was your responsibility to pick up the slack when he spent so much on his drug addiction that family finances were fucked.

AND

It is also your responsibility to understand the reason he exploded at you for paying off essentially his lack of contribution by getting in some personal debt is because he felt shit about having been a drug addict and not contributing, poor lamb. Therefore to forgive him as he's had his tantrum and all is meant to be well between you again.

How dare he! He is a selfish prick, OP. He should have been so thankful you picked up the slack and prioritised your family while he chose to spend his money on drugs not essentials. Instead he attacked you for it. Ugh. Pathetic.

If you aren't incensed today then I hope it hits you soon, please don't waste your life in a cycle of getting let down by him, bailing him out, forgiving him...

Craftycorvid · 28/01/2021 19:27

Sorry, what?! This is the second thread I’ve seen today concerning some financially abusive man-child. The debt is his fault if anyone’s. He should be on his knees with gratitude that you stood by him through addiction. He should be working WITH you to address the debt. ( I’m getting very capitalised today, sorry.) He’d be having to work pretty damned hard to win back my trust, OP, and he’d be taking some responsibility for his actions.

MadeForThis · 28/01/2021 20:28

If he's truly in recovery for drugs he should be acknowledging what he did wrong and making amends, apologising.

His behaviour last night wasn't right.

Let him pay off the debt. And if his attitude doesn't improve then leave.

user1471538283 · 28/01/2021 22:29

Oh right your debt is stopping you both getting a mortgage! Maybe this is projection and you cant get a mortgage because of how much he earns. Funny how he doesn't want to see that had he not been an addict and had a job you might not be in debt and you might already have a mortgage.

LawnFever · 28/01/2021 22:38

£1500 debt won’t stop you getting a mortgage whatsoever, as long as your payments are up to date that’s absolute bollocks he’s talking

I’ve seen your update that he’s apologised but I think he sounds like a massive waste of space tbh, you’d be better off on your own if this is the way he treats you? Don’t buy a house with him any time soon, I wouldn’t trust him at all

Original poster
Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 29/01/2021 02:29

I’ve thought a lot about it and I definitely will not be getting a mortgage with this man. If I’m honest I’ve been looking at a few different places to rent for me and the kids until I can afford to get us a mortgage, it’ll take a long time but it’s worth it.

OP posts:
wagsthedog · 29/01/2021 04:32

You stayed with someone who had a drug addiction? You're lucky ss aren't involved. You need to be the responsible parent, since he clearly can't be, and remove them from a bad situation.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 29/01/2021 07:54

I’ve thought a lot about it and I definitely will not be getting a mortgage with this man. If I’m honest I’ve been looking at a few different places to rent for me and the kids until I can afford to get us a mortgage, it’ll take a long time but it’s worth it.

I'm glad you're thinking of leaving. Seems like you're very focused and he's just dragging you down.

LawnFever · 29/01/2021 16:22

@Theonethatgotawayawayaway

I’ve thought a lot about it and I definitely will not be getting a mortgage with this man. If I’m honest I’ve been looking at a few different places to rent for me and the kids until I can afford to get us a mortgage, it’ll take a long time but it’s worth it.
This sounds like a great plan, good luck
HollowTalk · 29/01/2021 16:24

Wow, I'd be out of there as soon as humanly possible.

Outbutnotoutout · 29/01/2021 16:32

Get it paid together and then get out of this "relationship"

You and your children deserve so much more

QueenOfPain · 29/01/2021 16:33

LTB.

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2021 17:25

@Theonethatgotawayawayaway

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. I’m affording what i can to pay it back and some of its paid off already. £1500 outstanding at the moment. But he keeps saying that I’m always going to be in debt and the interest rates are going to sky rocket and basically We’re never getting a Mortgage now
And whose door, exactly can that be laid at?

His.