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Original poster

OH making me feel vile about my debt.

102 replies

Theonethatgotawayawayaway · 27/01/2021 21:47

So my OH found out about my debt (which I’ve been slowly paying). It started around a year and half ago when he had his addiction. Basically I had to lend off loans etc to pay the rent, buy food. I didn’t tell him because it’d cause arguments, he didn’t work and refused to and if I offered he said he wouldn’t have the kids etc.

Yes he’s off drugs now, and he started working a few months ago so things have been easier now but back then it was so difficult. The debt I’ve built up wasn’t for me it was to keep a roof over our heads and the kids fed and watered and clothed. He’s made me feel so vile, saying I’ve ruined our chances of having a mortgage. He’s admitted he never helped then and I was trying to live off the bare minimum, but he’s saying I’m wreck-less and stupid (non of the debt was for my personal needs, In fact I haven’t bought Myself a thing for years. I’m sat here crying my eyes out I feel like such an idiot but I had no other choice at the time and I’m trying to handle it now.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 27/01/2021 23:26

He must have 30-80K saved for the deposit if he's planning on getting a mortgage soon. Ask him for some of his deposit money.
But that's all a pie in the sky fantasy. Concentrate on moving the debt to lower interest with Stepchange and I hope you can one day see that you shouldn't be with him. I can see you aren't at that place yet, so put yourself first from now on until that day.

hotpotlover · 27/01/2021 23:29

You can still get a mortgage. Maybe not now, but in 2-3 years time, if you make regular payments and eat away at the debt. This will actually improve your credit rating and the bank will see that you can handle debts responsibly.

In the meantime, I would get rid of the loser.

HomeTheatreSystem · 28/01/2021 04:33

I honestly cannot see how you can have any sort of a happy future with this man. It would be completely different if, having come out of his addiction, he showed genuine remorse and sorrow for what he put the whole family through and made a plan with you to pay off the debt, instead of which he's blaming you for putting food on the table and keeping a roof over your heads. That debt might be in your name but it is HIS: it came about because he wouldn't meet his basic financial obligations to the family and stopped you from working too!

Walk away: if you don't it will be like sitting on a timebomb waiting for his next major fuck up to wreak havoc in your lives.

SpiderinaWingMirror · 28/01/2021 04:52

Ask him to write down his much he spent on drugs during the same period

GeorgiaGirl52 · 28/01/2021 04:55

@harknesswitch

Next time he mentions it, simply tell him you've got nothing to be embarrassed about as your debt was as a result of his drug abuse and if wasn't for you taking that debt out, you and dc wouldn't have a roof over your heads. So actually the debt is his and as result of his behaviour.
And then go and incur some more debt by hiring a solicitor and filing for a divorce. Make it part of the condition of the divorce that he pays off a portion of the remaining debt. You can certainly get a mortgage after paying off debts. You just need a job. I did. By myself, without a husband --just me and my two DDs, and our three dogs living peacefully.
eaglejulesk · 28/01/2021 05:13

What a bastard!!! You have nothing to be ashamed of OP, this was all down to him. What did he expect you to do - let the family starve and live on the streets? I feel so angry on your behalf. Please never feel like an idiot, you did what you had to do, and you are doing well paying back the loan. You deserve much better than this man.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 28/01/2021 05:34

Look at the MSE website and how to 'snowball' the debt. I had £22000 (fuck knows how) single mum debt ugh! 5 yrs ago.

Now I'm halfway to my £10000 target in savings and debt free. It can be done and not too painfully either.

PeggyHill · 28/01/2021 05:55

First of all, £1500 in debt is really not that much. It just feels like it to you right now. It won't take you long to pay it off as long as you are sensible.

Secondly, you don't get a bad credit rating simply for needing to take out a loan. A bad rating comes from missing payments and the like. If you are keeping to your agreements of making regular payments when you are supposed to then your rating will be fine. In fact, it can improve your credit rating as it shows you are trustworthy to lend to.

Finally, you should ditch this man. He sounds fucking vile. I could not have respect for someone who treated his wife this way. He should be embarrassed about the huge mess he caused for you and your children, not blaming you for it!

Rainbowqueeen · 28/01/2021 06:00

OP you have done amazingly well and you deserve huge props.

I’m glad to see you are thinking about leaving. Take some time to get your ducks in a row and make some plans. I agree with the advice to see stepchange about the debt. If you could just pay back the balance with reduced interest that could make a huge difference to you
Good luck with the new job!!

Snally82 · 28/01/2021 06:15

£1500 is barely anything compared the national average OP. He’s being totally unreasonable.

AgentJohnson · 28/01/2021 07:26

Come on Op! It’s obvious why he’s acting this way, he’s an arsehole. Now you know that his addiction wasn’t the reason behind his dickishness. GET RID ASAP!

The question isn’t, why is he like this but rather, why do you continue to accept it? He isn’t the reason you stay, you are.

Ludo19 · 28/01/2021 07:30

I think you need to have a good long think about your future with this man.
He put drugs before you and his kids, people can wail "but he's an addict, he can't help it" bollocks! No one forces you to be that selfish and now he's an a abusive prick saying all this to you? Was it cocaine by any chance?

Hyppogriff · 28/01/2021 07:35

I think you and your family would be better off without him If I’m honest

CorianderBee · 28/01/2021 07:43

It's only £1500 and if you make payments on time then actually you could have excellent credit by the end as it proves you can pay money back.

I had £3,000 of debt a few years ago, slowly paid it off and at the end my credit score was in the 900s (on Experian).

So 1) he's talking shit 2) I think he's projecting as he knows he's at fault 3) he's a cunt.

Dopo · 28/01/2021 07:46

Is he helping pay it back? Where did the loser think money for food/rent was coming from if he was off his face on drugs?
It's at least half his debt.
What a scumbag.

Get rid of this arsehole.
Why would you want to buy a house with this fool?

RhubarbAndRoses · 28/01/2021 07:51

Considering that the average household’s unsecured debt is over £15k you’re really not in that much debt at all! £1500 is not a lot. You’ve done nothing wrong OP. You did what you needed to do to keep a roof over your head.

ineedaholidaynow · 28/01/2021 07:52

I assume he isn’t helping to repay the debt

Are you married?

Persephonegoddess · 28/01/2021 07:56

You are such a lovely person, you have done all the right things to keep your family going with no help from him, you havnt built up debt this is the cost to your dam

Persephonegoddess · 28/01/2021 07:57

Oops family of his addiction and him not working and you keeping it all going.

JiltedJohnsJulie · 28/01/2021 08:02

Thanks everyone! I have been considering leaving for a long time tbh. I had some happy news today that I’ve got a job! My boys will hopefully be back in school and nursery in February so i can work. X

Are you leaving him then? Now would seem ideal. You've seen what he is and how he think of you, he's not going to change.

If he does want to see the DC once you've split, personally I'd be telling him to apply to the Court and insisting on a drugs test.

Deathraystare · 28/01/2021 08:03

A leopard does not change his spots. It may well happen again.

In any case, dump him. If ever you soften and think you should stay, remember how he blamed you and also thought so little of his children that he would not look after them if you got a job. If he cannot apologise for what he said and di he is worthless and you deserve better, even if that means leaving hi or chucking him out. He contributes nothing much. If you do get a mortgage and his payments default.......

CherryRoulade · 28/01/2021 08:06

The answers are on here already. The thing you did wrong was be supportive of an abusive, selfish, egocentric druggie. That was poor judgment, but not a crime.

The solution is to stop enabling his appalling behaviour. Formal expert financial advice. A planned exit.Tell everyone you know what he’s like and seek emotional and practical support.
The shame is not yours to feel.
A good future for your family is dependent on you making a wise decision now. Get legal advice and a plan in place before throwing him out.

harknesswitch · 28/01/2021 08:07

We were ok financially until the drugs

This in one sentence is WHY you have debts! Did you use family money to buy drugs? No, did he? Yes! So it's his debt.

How dare he blame you.

picklemewalnuts · 28/01/2021 08:12

Don't be upset. Just point out 'that money fed you me and the kids when you'd spent the rest on your habit'. Repeat and repeat.

notdaddycool · 28/01/2021 08:13

You’ve done the right thing. If you pay off debt you will have a better credit rating than people who have never had debt. With or without him you’ll get through this.

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