Online dating in your 40s - part 3!

[StarlightSparkle]

A new thread, so we can continue discussing the depressing reality of the above!

@OutingMyself

Crikey, it's a bit early for adding on Facebook isn't it?

I kind of like the fact that I can see if someone is genuine. I can always block them later if needs be.

Hi ladies, @LuckyLinda3, I also agree with being careful of his yoyo-ing, but I do know you like him. I've been chatting to a new iron, I'll call him Mr Homeless (he isn't! It's to with his job) and we have really clicked! No sexual disgusting messages, he's interested in me, he's funny (a rarity I have found on OLD!) We have swapped numbers, and it's been really really nice talking to someone with some brains, we've talked about all sorts, and it's just flowed! I hope he doesn't turn out to be a dick!

@pineappleonpizzaornot I'm glad things are going well for you. I do like him and I probably would go there again if I'm being totally honest. I have to accept that I dumped him so he probably feels I'm hot and cold too. I'm new to all this and I'm a bit over anxious and trying to learn myself to just go with the flow. I'm also trying to get my head around the idea that people chat and meet several people at a time...not sure how I feel about that. I think that's in me and I cant blame him for it. Any tips on how to just chill regarding OLD?

Hey @pineappleonpizzaornot 👋 thats fun youve got a decent new iron to chat to!! Hope he keeps being good 😊

Hi, I’m 50 so should be in the other group that used to be here, dating over 50 but I think it’s hibernating at the moment. I will go back there when it’s up and running again as I had some fabulous advice from some people there.

My question here is - I’ve been online dating since November (with no photo) and in January I put up two photos. Since November I have chatted with many people but only ‘connected’ with three.

1 - very nice, I asked him out, he said no. He still lives with his ex wife though, I don’t think mentally he is ready to date. We’re in touch and it’s turned into a friends thing which I’m happy with.

2 - very very nice. Just my type. And he said he connected with me, it wasn’t one sided. Spoke for about 5 days, a lot, intense. Asked him for a walk, he also said he’s not in the right headspace to date. Asked him as friends (our sense of humour was very well matched, I would happily have him as a friend only, and told him that.). He said he shouldn’t have gone on online dating as he’s not in the right headspace for it. Deleted his account. We had been speaking on kik but he deleted that too. He said he might reactivate kik in the future. Whether I will still be there as a contact or not I don’t know, I’m new to kik and unsure of how exactly it works. I’m gutted about this one.

3 another one. We write every day or two for the past ?2 weeks? Longer messages but there’s no quick back and forth like the other two. But I paid for the app which has allowed me to notice that he will read my message but not reply until the next day or two. Or, even worse, he’ll NOT read my message until the next day or two, even though he’s online. Asked him out anyway. He said yes to a walk when lockdown is over. And I made it easy for him to say no, I checked with a friend who agreed with me that it would have been easy for him to turn it down. But that message he replied to within 10 minutes. But I don’t detect any passion from him. I feel that I’m somewhere on his lovingly maintained spreadsheet.

Admittedly I was in tier 4, then it’s lockdown obviously. But as I’ve never done online dating before (and I’ve not dated for decades) I want to know, is this normal? Is this how it is?

I don't think it means anything before you've met them. Maybe just that he's not much of a messager.

I feel more suspicious of guys who are very chatty/overly friendly in messages. It seems more like game playing to me when you've not even met someone.

@Krabbie I would be wary of it making them easier you love bomb you if they do happen to be that kind of idiot. Having loads of info about things you like, your sense of humour, places you've been, kind of conversations you have with friends etc

@Shayelle2009 Sorry to hear you've seen him on there. Its awful isn't it? I went on a date with an old friend and then he didn't want it to go any further. He obviously has every right to be on there and do what he wants, but it does make me feel like shit that I wasn't good enough.

[quote OutingMyself]@Krabbie I would be wary of it making them easier you love bomb you if they do happen to be that kind of idiot. Having loads of info about things you like, your sense of humour, places you've been, kind of conversations you have with friends etc[/quote]
Thanks, I understand what you're saying, but I barely post on fb and never have done, so they'll not find out much about me really.

Hello. Just thinking about what site to join. I’m over 40 want to find a relationship.

What’s the best out of eharmony, elite & match?
I’ve done all the freebies & am fed up of weirdos.
I spent 2 hrs talking to someone claiming to be a police dog handler last night. I work with the Police & got suspicious of the conversation & realised it was a stock picture of a police dog
So weird, he went into so much detail about his imaginary dog
Anyway conclusion being, I’m wasting my life on Tinder!!! - there is no filter for the strange!!!

@BlueDaysTillChristmas I would think 1 and 2 were not available at all. No 3 seems like he not too interested in anything until lockdown eases but if you can see that he’s still online etc you shouldn’t invest too much there either.
I think try and get some fresh chats going and try to arrange the walking date as soon as possible. So many men seems to want to waste time or get over lockdown boredom by using online dating so feck that!

@Glindaswand dog guy sounds weird I’ve only ever used tinder or pof so can’t comment on the paid for sites. My weirdos have all been on pof mainly ...although the only unsolicited dick pic I’ve received was from a bumble match last year!
Loads of people recommend Hinge too if you are near a bigger city.

@Mayzee I think that’s my main problem, I get invested too quickly!

After I’ve met this number 3, and it doesn’t work out, I was thinking of joining Hinge. Does anyone have anything to say about it? Good? Bad?

Oh sorry just seen your comment about Hinge. I am near a big city.

@BlueDaysTillChristmas that was me last year when I started this dating lark. Got overly invested in anyone that I spoke to, was devastated then when ones I really liked let me down let the most unsuitable men believe I was up for their shite because I didn’t know how to say no!
The dating threads on here have definitely been a lifesaver because I have no one in real life to talk to - everyone is married 😬
So if I end up on the apps again (am seeing someone currently) I will have a heart of stone until I meet someone in person

@Mayzee how long until you stopped getting too heartbroken by it all?

I’m embarrassed to say I’ve been left in tears by it before now, it all seems so hopeless. So many lonely people and yet everyone unable to make connections.

@BlueDaysTillChristmas I’ll tell when I know 😆
It’s really hard to find someone genuine who wants the same things as you as is not a liar, player, flaky etc etc.
I’ve been ghosted by a guy who I was crazy about - the first person I was intimate with after my marriage break up so I was totally over invested- but who was so flaky and I see now looking back that I ignored early warning signs. He still pops up now and again asking how I am but I’ll never go back there.
The current guy I’m seeing seems lovely and I’m trying to maintain a level of cool while still enjoying things for what they are now and not letting my past mistakes ruin things.

And I’ve been in tears too over men who don’t deserve it!

@BlueDaysTillChristmas ive found hinge to be better than I expected. I will sound hugely judgemental but Bumble and Tinder now seem to be full of a bit slobby men, no effort made, not exactly professional in any way. Hinge has a bit more of a sheen to it but I think as the men are 'better', it's harder to match as I bet many get loads of likes. I've had maybe 5 likes in a week, no one id be attracted to, one who deleted me because I didn't immediately do the sex talk thing. On Tinder I would normally get 100+ likes very regularly (again no one I'd really be interested in). I'm not swiping much these days but would definitely keep with Hinge if you can.

I found that you can only like about five people on Hinge without paying?

The one guy I spoke to on there went straight into talking about us entertaining each other in bed.

So Computer Geek has had his final chance. He wanted to meet yesterday, he arranged a time, he even messaged to ask where a couple of hours before then nothing all afternoon, didn't even read my message(I didn't bother getting ready so I kind of knew too). I sent him a message asking if he had any intention of turning up and whether he gets his kicks from doing this. He came back saying he struggles leaving the kids (why arrange something on a day you have them then) and how it isn't good enough. Later on he also said he feels guilty as he worries his heart is elsewhere(why try dating if you aren't over the ex yet). He said I'm better off without him hanging round my neck and asked if he should leave me alone.

I'm more disappointed than angry or upset, I said to him a few weeks ago that we should take all talk of dating out until he is ready and questioned whether it was the right thing to do. He even said to me last week that we should leave the rest of February and see what happens in March but he got ahead of himself.

Oh well. Think I'm going to take a break from old as the pool is rather depressing, I've turned my profile off on Tinder at the moment too.

@Isitreally7777 im sorry he treated you badly yet again. I still believe he's a catfish. If anything, why don't you get out there and talk to others at least? You're wasting your life on this catfish.

It all sounds like nonsense, complete nonsense. It's either some weirdo having fun stringing you along, or someone who is just not worth the time of day. I hope you delete his number and block him. It's never going to come to anything. Imagine if you did meet him and he was real - could you really ever get into a relationship with someone who treated you like this before you'd even met? You're worth so much more.

@OutingMyself great point about only liking 5 peoples. That makes me feel better! Though still I don't have any likes

Thanks @Eesha and @OutingMyself I have something else I need to worry about for a bit and don't think until I know whether its something to worry about or not my head is going to be in the right place for dating.

What apps are you all on?

Are you on more than one app?

Are you doing it free or paying for them?

Are any of you (in the UK) meeting anyone or is it all endless messaging?