Online dating in your 40s - part 3!

[StarlightSparkle]

A new thread, so we can continue discussing the depressing reality of the above!

After my date yesterday I thought I'd give it another go and see him again because I did like talking to him. I suggested it and he was keen, but late last night and this morning the conversation has become just about sex. It's not what I want, I should have discouraged it at the beginning but maybe let it happen by not doing so? Now I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to have to say I don't want to meet him because it's too much. I feel awful because he'll think I encouraged him and will probably be angry. Is there a way to get out of this without him calling me names, as I know it'll upset me if he does? Anyone been in this situation after meeting?

@Zoomme why do you think he will call you names? Can't you just change the subject?

I've tried but he keeps coming back to it.

@Angelofdeath oh no, that's so very sad. I know exactly the feeling and I'm glad it hasn't crushed you or made you bitter. I am also 3 years out of an abusive relationship. I was never bitter, took about 9 months to go on a date but realised I was scared to date again in case the next person was abusive too. Ended up having a fwb who gave me confidence in myself. Then realised I wanted to have someone decent and long term so started dating my last person who now appears to have ghosted me after 7 months together. I would like to meet someone who is stable, constant and reliable but my experiences make me feel this isnt possible. My FWB has professed his love for me but he's also a weed smoking, depressive mess! I don't know what I'm doing wrong although my close male friend made a joke and said "Eesha always picks up the waifs and strays"... so perhaps that's it. Im sortof in the ashes of a relationship so not ready to go into anything new. The thought of going through all that pain again fills me with dread.

@Zoomme just block him. You owe him nothing. Hes just another creep! Just hit block and dont give it another moments thought!

Ahh @Angelofdeath thats so horrible.... maybe it kind of felt worse because it was your birthday as well, if it was me it definitely would have. Your mum sounds sooo ace i wish i had a mum like that. What a little sweetheart

It does all make you feel a but shit but honestly im not just saying this it is definitely them not you! Theyre just flakes and cowards who probably dont know what to do and havent even got the awareness to be polite. You on the other hand are a kind, funny and strong independent woman and its a good thing they disappear as it would have been a waste of your precious time and birthday meeting the twat anyway. I just think to myself, I know what good men are and I dont mind waiting however many months years or decades lol til i meet another good one. I have two really great LTRs when i was younger, I know good men exist!!

Hi Ladies, theres been lots for me to catch up on @onemorerose - thank you for asking after me :) I am all moved in and I honestly feel more settled in the last few days than I have done in the last year.....Its amazing having both my kids around me again, the youngest is with me at the minute and his heart wasnt that broken after all, and we have had lots of laughs over the last few days!
I got the keys to the house on the 29th (Friday) evening, but wasnt moving my things in until the Saturday, anyway, long story short, there was a problem with the gas supply and I had to call a gas engineer out on the Friday night.
So me and my youngest had to grab a few bits from my Mums, an airbed etc and wait for the engineer in a freezing cold house, engineer turned up at 11.30pm, I was in an old raggy dressing gown, I was knackered, pissed off, etc! Guess what.....The engineer asked me out lol! We just clicked, he ended up having a glass of wine with us (highly illegal in his job I would think), but he lives in London....miles away from me! My son was also at the house with me and said to me after the engineer left that it felt like he was watching his Mum on a date lol!

However, it has made me realize that there are nice decent men out there and it can happen when you least expect it! So, dont give up hope! We have sent a few messages back and forth, and he wants to cook me a meal, but the distance just isnt sustainable for me. Someone asked me out, and I really did look awful, I could feel the electricity between us, it really has given me a confidence booster!
I also started talking to another guy who is very local to me, but he keeps initiating me going to his or him coming to mine, far too fast for me, so I haven't replied to his last message.
@Ntwa - I am sorry you are going through a tough time, I was in your exact position this time last year, after a 4 year relationship and it broke me completely, what you are feeling is totally normal, I didnt think I would come out my depression, but as they say "time is a great healer", and Im almost there now, so hugs to you

@Angelofdeath - those messages from the builder did make me lol! Do you think he was at work
@Isitreally777 - Block Computer twat please, there is someone for you and it aint him!

Ong @pineappleonpizzaornot haha what an amazing update!!! That is sooo exciting and I am very jel haha love a gas engineer!! Is he hot?! So glad to hear youre happy in your new home and everythings going good

I did message him and told him I didn't like the way the conversation was going, he wished me well and disappeared so that was that!

Ahh well you were after different things! Adios amigo haha

Thank you @Shayelle2009 - He was good looking, but not someone I would have "swiped" on, so goes to show really how fickle the joys of OLD dating are! Shame we cant them all in a line up for us to pick from

Sometimes as well I find its all about the chemistry when youre with someone, and often its not someone you’d ever look twice at from their photos is it! This is why online datings not the best, you cant beat that buzz of meeting someone face to face! You must be buzzing from it

I posted this as an indepent post and only just realised there is a chat dedicated to these sorts of dilemmas. Ive been talking to someone since mid December. It progressed quite quickly and as (for work reasons) we are both COVID tested twice a week (please no judgement here) we met up early Jan at his house and things have heated up very quickly. He became very intense and smitten quite quickly. He told me all about his past, warts and all, and advised me that he didnt want to see anyone else and told me he would tell the others he was chatting to accordingly. Of course, I then did the same. He was in a casual relationship at the time (now I dunno how casual with hindsight she may have thought it was, as she was posting 2 - 3 trips etc that she would like to do together with him on his FB page and he wasnt commenting on them yet liking them). He tells me he has told his mum about me, he sends me long gushy texts throughout the day, he tells me he is falling for me, compliments me all the time, sends flowers, makes a LOT of effort preparing surprises for me the 4 - 5 times we have seen each other, we spent the whole of last weekend together and he is just so lovely to me and we had a lot of laughs and real conversations too.... all of this has been like honey to my soul as I have just separated from a husband who had real difficulty showing any kind of emotion or kindness towards me. So he has organised that I come to his later this week *(he picks me up so I dont have to drive the 45 mins to his house) and he will spoil me, he has also organised lots for valentines day. I am truely smitten too and have told him as such. Now here comes the inevitable... I was up all night last night with a suspected tummy bug.... it was late and I had my phone and couldnt sleep, soooo, I look at the lady he was previously casually seeing. He told he made it very clear to her when she called him (apparently he just stopped getting in touch with her) that he wouldnt see her again, her request to stay in touch was also turned down as he said he didnt want to sleep with her again. Of course he has been liking her profile pictures on Facebook.. all liked after he told me that he had made it clear that "they" would be no more. If I were her, after what he told me had said, Id be really confused. Is he holding her on a low simmer whilst seeing how things progress with us ? As its early days, do I just overlook this ? Am I overthinking things ?? Has anyone else experienced similar ? Ive been advised to work on my self esteem. Possibly, but I am also willing to just let him know that its not cool (for the other lady dangling, as well as myself !)

Wow @Angelofdeath must say i commend your patience for putting up with him up until that point!! Its excruciating.... I wonder if he had any personality in real life or if he was actually like that in person! Didnt seem very enlightened did he, cant imagine he’d be mr charisma in person, you’d probably be bored instantly if you met him.
Im quite shy and reserved too then when I feel comfortable with someone im a bit of a livewire haha!!

Thats very cheeky of your Mam ... its certainly a minefield out there

Confusedandfeelingabitstupid
Sounds suspicious to me I’m afraid, if the situation was as he said with his gf/fwb then they wouldn’t be Facebook friends, much less liking photos.

@Angelofdeath yes my ex is an abusive alcoholic and had two women squabbling over him within a couple of months of leaving. I asked him to leave as I'd had enough. I don't let him have the kids overnight as I'm anxious about them as they are toddlers but luckily my family has them if I'm ever out. I've only had 9 dates in 3 years though but did use them when I was seeing my latest partner each weekend. I'm not bitter but I do look at my life with small children depending on me and wonder whether to date again at all. In a weird way, they will never hurt me!!!

I so need to join back in on this!!

Meet an American guy about 3 weeks ago online. He's over here working on the rigs. We've not actually met yet just lots of talking.

I can't believe I'm going to type this but hes said he loves me (wtf) and I can choose an engagement ring off my choice, he's shipping his Mercedes over so I can use it but it needs to be delivered to my house. Slight problem be doesnt know my address and I'm holding off giving him it. He doesn't have an address here to ship it too. He now isn't speaking to me as I said I didn't have anywhere to park it but I could organise secure car storage for him. This wasn't good enough.

He wanted me to send him a portrait photo so he could commission a painting of me. I said no as it's not my thing.

He seems kind but also a bit controlling if he doesn't get his own way. Not sure if it's just being American or I need to run for the hills!!

@TwoHoots74 in the nicest possible way, are you mad ????
That has catfish and scam written all over it !!!
Block him and bin him!!! He's not real !!
I bet he calls you dear a lot too

I don't intend too. Don't worry! How he thinks he loves me is ridiculous. He knows nothing about me.

He's not answering any of my messages so he can do one!

TwoHoots wow, crazy! I agree, sounds like a catfish.

Angel thank you. Yeah I should have blocked him, but we'd got a bit serious, talking long term, and I felt I owed him an explanation. All ended well anyway.

I've arranged another walking date for Sunday. A new iron popped up today, he looks nice, probably nicest I've seen so far. We've chatted this evening, I can't be bothered to chat too much, as I'll only know if there's a spark when I see him really. He's going to ring tomorrow for a chat. Nervous!