Need to take action. Need a handhold.

[Goingmad12345]

I’m starting to think I may be in an abusive relationship. It’s reached a point where I need to give an ultimatum and then follow through.

I guess I’m looking for a handhold and confirmation that this isn’t my fault / that I’m not going mad. Here are a few things done in recent weeks:

1. Came in from taking the baby to the doctor’s and DH on his Xbox. Asked for some help with something. DH said he’d be ten minutes. I sighed I think. Put some music on and was shouted at for distracting him / told I was being passive aggressive for the music. This escalated into an argument. Was told I was always trying to start a fight. I didn’t apologise (normally I do) and this went on for days.

1. DH offered to take baby whilst I went for a run. Told him great, he just needs lunch and a nap at such and such a time. Came back to hungry tired baby with a dirty nappy. Complained (I used the words ‘lying in his own shit’ which maybe triggered things?) and was told off again.

1. He has been out of work for probably 75% of our relationship. He is currently in an insecure contract. When I say I am worried about the future I am told I’m unsupportive etc.

1. Yesterday I said I wanted to figure out a way to schedule a bit of time off for me at the weekends (I do all mornings, he sleeps till 11 at least. He has insomnia so I am sympathetic about that). I was very calm and measured about it (suggesting various options etc). I was told he does enough anyway, helps me more than he should. When I came back from a walk (got out of house to avoid a fight) he was muttering that I was a fucking nag. I stayed at a friends house at that point - said I wanted some space. Was told I was ‘taking his baby away’ (only away for one night) and since I’ve been back he’s been completely ignoring me, no eye contact.

I have said I want a chat later, though he’s ignored me. I am so anxious, not sleeping myself. Baby has a genetic condition and I am always worried about that. I just feel like I’ve screwed up my life really. I can afford to be alone after I go back to work so am very lucky in that respect, but I feel like I can’t get away.

This isn’t normal, is it?

I have never argued with anyone but him.

Ps please be empathetic. I can’t cope with ‘why did you have a kid with him? That’s so stupid’ etc. I already feel extremely guilty on behalf of DC and because I think I’ve done something wrong to him (I must be being punished for something)

No it's normal you have yourself a manchild who will never change. Do you own or rent?

Not normal*

Own. Bought before we met.

Why do I feel like I’m at fault? Why do I feel like I have to fix it?

He sounds horrible. Gaslighting, abusive, lazy.

Is it only in your name? You feel like the bad one because you want to believe he can change and be the father and partner you want and need. You hope by asking for help he will realise what an arse he is.

There will be much more knowledgeable experienced posters along on a minute OP but can I just make my observation that usually when women have reached their wits end and are ready to put their situation down in black in white on here you already know in your heart of hearts that it's over. Can you provide us with some of the practical info so you can get more tailored advice. So own or rent? In either name or joint? Do you work, have access to funds? Do you have somewhere you could go? How would he react if you asked him to leave, even temporarily?

Yes only in my name, but we are married.

That’s very true. I think I want a nice family so much that I just keep trying and trying to turn this into it.

And when he doesn’t see he’s done anything wrong a part of me believes him. I can’t take any perspective on the situation. I feel like I can only let myself see him as being horrible if he admits he’s being horrible. Like I’m not trusting my own judgement.

How long have you been married?

Are you married? If not, do you own the house or is it joint. I think there are different options based on the answers. It is not a healthy relationship, you are already concerned about your DC health, which is causing you problems. Think about what your life will be in 12 months' time, if it's the same as now, I really think you should consider your situation now. You don't appear to get anything out of this relationship, in fact your life is made more difficult living with this man.

@kingdomcapers I am on mat leave, due back in three months. I own my flat. When I go back I earn well and could just about afford childcare, though my job is a city job, quite stressful.

I do have places I could go yes, though lockdown makes it hard. Friends and family are supportive but my parents warned me about having a baby in the relationship with his financial situation so I feel embarrassed now. Though I am getting on a bit so prob didn’t feel like I’d have enough time to find someone else and have kids.

I worry about him if I tell him to leave. He can go to his family but he doesn’t have any money and they don’t get on well.

Only married for two years. Together for six.

Oh what a bloody idiot I have been.

Could it ever get better? Has anyone ever managed to snap someone like this out of it?

I don’t want my baby to be old enough to understand the names he calls me when he gets angry. He’s only tiny now so I guess it won’t affect him too much?

Can you ask him to leave for a few days whilst you think things through?

I think if I ask that he might just hate me so much it can’t come back. His family will slate him for it. He’ll be ashamed and hate me for it.

Unlikely to change long term. People don't just gain respect for their significant other over night and not without them wanting to change. You still have an opportunity to build a life with someone who will adore you, don't waste it on this man, let him figure out what he will do with his finances and life, you worry about you and your baby.

I don't know if he's abusive, he just sounds like a knob tbh.
Not that it matters.
He's a lazy freeloader for definite though.
You have reason enough to kick him out if that's what you want.
What he does when he's gone should not worry you. He has made his bed.

But what man will take on a child with disabilities, @Boopthesnoot1?

You've not been an idiot. You've just tried to make things work. There was obviously something there at the start, so don't blame yourself. Hope it goes well from this point on and he doesn't make it too difficult.

My partner did. I had 2 DC when we got together. My eldest was 4 and has quite severe autism. Don't worry about that. The right man won't be bothered and will be fine with your child

I would prefer to be on my own than resenting a nasty bloke who adds nothing but stress to my life.
But I'm sure you are lovely and that there is someone better out there for you. The right man won't be put off because your life is complicated.

Ask him to leave the relationship sounds awful x

@Goingmad12345

But what man will take on a child with disabilities, *@Boopthesnoot1*?

You should be ok on your own. You shouldn’t need a man.

You sound great, him not so. Make plans to break up. He expects you to do everything baby related, so you will have less stuff to do when you are your own. His moods sound awful, what does he do for work? Does he smoke weed? Can you get him family to take him in?

Look into tax free childcare, you can start to pay into it now before you return to work, ask DH to do same. (His reaction to this request will be interesting).