Need to take action. Need a handhold.

[Goingmad12345]

I’m starting to think I may be in an abusive relationship. It’s reached a point where I need to give an ultimatum and then follow through.

I guess I’m looking for a handhold and confirmation that this isn’t my fault / that I’m not going mad. Here are a few things done in recent weeks:

1. Came in from taking the baby to the doctor’s and DH on his Xbox. Asked for some help with something. DH said he’d be ten minutes. I sighed I think. Put some music on and was shouted at for distracting him / told I was being passive aggressive for the music. This escalated into an argument. Was told I was always trying to start a fight. I didn’t apologise (normally I do) and this went on for days.

1. DH offered to take baby whilst I went for a run. Told him great, he just needs lunch and a nap at such and such a time. Came back to hungry tired baby with a dirty nappy. Complained (I used the words ‘lying in his own shit’ which maybe triggered things?) and was told off again.

1. He has been out of work for probably 75% of our relationship. He is currently in an insecure contract. When I say I am worried about the future I am told I’m unsupportive etc.

1. Yesterday I said I wanted to figure out a way to schedule a bit of time off for me at the weekends (I do all mornings, he sleeps till 11 at least. He has insomnia so I am sympathetic about that). I was very calm and measured about it (suggesting various options etc). I was told he does enough anyway, helps me more than he should. When I came back from a walk (got out of house to avoid a fight) he was muttering that I was a fucking nag. I stayed at a friends house at that point - said I wanted some space. Was told I was ‘taking his baby away’ (only away for one night) and since I’ve been back he’s been completely ignoring me, no eye contact.

I have said I want a chat later, though he’s ignored me. I am so anxious, not sleeping myself. Baby has a genetic condition and I am always worried about that. I just feel like I’ve screwed up my life really. I can afford to be alone after I go back to work so am very lucky in that respect, but I feel like I can’t get away.

This isn’t normal, is it?

I have never argued with anyone but him.

My resolve is definitely lessening, despite DH showing shitty behaviour to me over the past few days. He is rewriting the moment he left me at my in-laws, and refusing to apologise for any of it. Also not asking after DC really apart from saying he hasn’t seen his son in a week (feels like he’s phrasing it as me having wronged him, rather than asking after DS as he cares).

I just feel so very sad. I feel like he didn’t ever care. And also am missing him terribly (there’s obviously a lot of great stuff about him or I wouldn’t have stayed).

I still want to fix it though I know it’s just ridiculous. My last message hasn’t been replied to - feel like someone I’m dating is playing games with me, not my H and father to my kid.

What is there to fix??

He treats you like shit, and is continuing to do so

Why are you happy to be disrespected like this? What do your parents say? What would you say if it was your DC?

C'mon OP get your big girl pants on!

@Goingmad12345

Not great to be honest. I’ve been gaslighted on text message and it’s reminded me how unreasonable he can be, but I also just feel terrible at the thought of losing him. I can’t shake the feeling of wanting to fix things. I’m not sleeping. I have no divorced friends. I just feel like I’ve failed.

You have NOT failed. He is the failure. Honestly.

You can't fix this by yourself. It seems like you're the only one in the marriage wanting things to work.

The person you fell in love with wasn't the real him. The real him is what you're seeing now. Of course you're going to miss the good stuff! If it was bad all of the time, it would be easy to leave. Right now, he knows all he has to do is throw a few crumbs your way - empty words not back up by his actions - and you'll be back in his arms.

Please start trying to put yourself and your needs first!

Be strong, OP. He won’t change so are you going to carry on financing him and the flat forever more while he does fuck all, stays in bed til midday and doesn’t even manage to change the baby’s shitty nappy? Erm, yeah, great deal you’ve got going there!

He is manipulating and gaslighting you into believing that you have done wrong, that he’s such a great guy (not!) and that you need to apologise to him despite his behaviour being man child like and pathetic. How can you respect anyone who can’t even hold down a job when he sounds NT and therefore just a lazy fuck?

OP,

You can't fix a waster.
This is who he is.

If you decide to go back to someone who after you have left because of his behaviour, who is taking zero responsibility for his behaviour and being unpleasant, you are going to regret it so much.

You will be sending him the clear message that he can treat you any way he likes.

You deserve better.

Thank you. I need to hear this continually on a loop. I woke up with the manic street preachers ‘if you tolerate this then your children will be next’ going around my head on a loop.

What have you been up to this week op? I know your resolve is up and down and I’m sure Valentine’s Day didn’t help.

Don’t message him again (unless it’s to give notice to get out of your house) you still have plenty of life ahead of you.

He’s complained he hasn’t see his son, has he asked to make arrangements to meet up with him? Has he asked what he’s been up to?

You can do this, stay strong.

Not much really. Lots of walks! Parents are on a busy road though so it’s difficult with a dog and a baby.

I’ve asked him to suggest a day to see DS, he’s not suggested one yet. Will prompt again. I want to really take the high ground on that one.

Please don't weaken OP. He is neither a good husband nor a good father and you WILL be better off in the long run without him. Don't settle for being treated like shit (and living in a damaging environment for your child) just because you are scared of being on your own.
Please.

Stop trying to fix it.

You have let him know he can see his son.

Once is enough.

Stop trying to fix him and this.

He is NOT a project.

Focus on yourself.

When you try and fix him you are weakening yourself.

Your child desperately needs one decent, strong parent...that is you.

Get him out of your home so you can move back and move forward.

@Goingmad12345

Not much really. Lots of walks! Parents are on a busy road though so it’s difficult with a dog and a baby.

I’ve asked him to suggest a day to see DS, he’s not suggested one yet. Will prompt again. I want to really take the high ground on that one.

Why prompt him again? If he wants to see his son he's perfectly capable of contacting you about it.

Start making plans - with the first item on the list removing him from YOUR home!

How are you op x

im sorry OP but this is not normal