Need to take action. Need a handhold.

[Goingmad12345]

I’m starting to think I may be in an abusive relationship. It’s reached a point where I need to give an ultimatum and then follow through.

I guess I’m looking for a handhold and confirmation that this isn’t my fault / that I’m not going mad. Here are a few things done in recent weeks:

1. Came in from taking the baby to the doctor’s and DH on his Xbox. Asked for some help with something. DH said he’d be ten minutes. I sighed I think. Put some music on and was shouted at for distracting him / told I was being passive aggressive for the music. This escalated into an argument. Was told I was always trying to start a fight. I didn’t apologise (normally I do) and this went on for days.

1. DH offered to take baby whilst I went for a run. Told him great, he just needs lunch and a nap at such and such a time. Came back to hungry tired baby with a dirty nappy. Complained (I used the words ‘lying in his own shit’ which maybe triggered things?) and was told off again.

1. He has been out of work for probably 75% of our relationship. He is currently in an insecure contract. When I say I am worried about the future I am told I’m unsupportive etc.

1. Yesterday I said I wanted to figure out a way to schedule a bit of time off for me at the weekends (I do all mornings, he sleeps till 11 at least. He has insomnia so I am sympathetic about that). I was very calm and measured about it (suggesting various options etc). I was told he does enough anyway, helps me more than he should. When I came back from a walk (got out of house to avoid a fight) he was muttering that I was a fucking nag. I stayed at a friends house at that point - said I wanted some space. Was told I was ‘taking his baby away’ (only away for one night) and since I’ve been back he’s been completely ignoring me, no eye contact.

I have said I want a chat later, though he’s ignored me. I am so anxious, not sleeping myself. Baby has a genetic condition and I am always worried about that. I just feel like I’ve screwed up my life really. I can afford to be alone after I go back to work so am very lucky in that respect, but I feel like I can’t get away.

This isn’t normal, is it?

I have never argued with anyone but him.

OP, you already know this man is a lazy, verbally and emotionally abusive waster. You’re obviously at the end of your tether or you wouldn’t be on here. Women don’t usually post because they’re a bit miffed, they post because they’ve been a boiled frog for ages and they’ve just realised how fucked up their relationship is.

You need to consult a solicitor, see where you stand with the house etc. Yes you are married but it’s a short marriage so the chances are he won’t be entitled to much if anything. It’s not like he’s even worked to pay the bills.

Also why are you worrying about other men no wanting to be with you because of your child? You haven’t even got rid of one waster yet. You need to get shot of this one, spend some time getting your self respect back and sorting your own life out before you even consider anyone else. Women are way more attractive and attract far better mates when they’re confident, have good self respect and good boundaries. You could dump his ass tomorrow then find someone else on tinder the next day but it would only be another scumbag. Sort yourself out first.

I think I’ll give up on men after this if it ends to be honest. Part of the problem is I haven’t had enough experience to know what’s normal. I do think having a kid with health problems makes that even harder though if I were to try again.

@Goingmad12345

But what man will take on a child with disabilities, *@Boopthesnoot1*?

Would worrying that no other man would ‘take on’ your child actually keep you with one who gaslights and verbally abuses you and leaves your child in its own poo and hungry so he can play video games?

Focus on getting yourself and your child away from this man, not what other man will have you.

Then work on your self esteem so you don’t end up with another man like this.

Asking that no one asks you why you had a child with this man is a cop out.

If you can’t hold your self to account for your own well-being, do it for you child.

I agree with previous posters, you sound lovely and the right man won't be bothered to be with a woman who has a child with a disability and if they were then they are not worthy of you. Being with a trash bag partner is the only thing stopping your life from being the best life.

It really doesn't matter if you are likely to meet anyone new. Removing yourself and your child from this abuse is more important.

It will affect your child.

Some great advice here already. The bit that jumped out at me was that he told you he already helps you more than he should. That shows how he thinks - that all childcare/housework etc is your job, that any token "help" he gives you is above and beyond. I had one of these - he will never change. You may find that this attitude comes from his family/upbringing...did his mother do everything for him, by any chance?

Helps you more than he should.
Unemployed 75% of your relationship.
I had one of these.
Yep get rid.

Imagine your child's older and your still living in this environment with that sinking gut feeling everyday
Depressing!
As pp said worry only about yourself and your baby.
Relationships will come along no doubt
His issues are being projected on to you.
I struggle to understand why married people live like this.
Stop worrying and make a change
Mistake no.

Unfortunately he choose to treat you like this and you know it is wrong and worthy of better.
You wanted to make your family work and no one can predict others behaviour.
Start with - do not speak to me like that.

The short marriage could be important at this stage, particularly if you owned your house prior to your marriage.

I’ve emailed to make an initial lawyer appointment

@Goingmad12345

But what man will take on a child with disabilities, *@Boopthesnoot1*?

Your child has disabilities but he couldn't be bothered to change them or give them lunch?

Get rid.

Find a good solicitor and see what your options are regarding your house. I doubt a court would disadvantage a child with a disability over their feckless father.

@Goingmad12345

I’ve emailed to make an initial lawyer appointment

Good. Well done.

Don't weaken

Well done, OP. Writing on MN is good for strengthening resolve. Come back when you need more!

@Bedraggled2020

Some great advice here already. The bit that jumped out at me was that he told you he already helps you more than he should. That shows how he thinks - that all childcare/housework etc is your job, that any token "help" he gives you is above and beyond. I had one of these - he will never change. You may find that this attitude comes from his family/upbringing...did his mother do everything for him, by any chance?

Yes undoubtedly. She’s also very controlling.

@Keratinsmooth

You sound great, him not so. Make plans to break up. He expects you to do everything baby related, so you will have less stuff to do when you are your own. His moods sound awful, what does he do for work? Does he smoke weed? Can you get him family to take him in?

He did in the past before he met me a lot (10 years ago or so). I wonder why you ask? I’m interested

He won’t change I’m afraid. He’ll blame you for how his life has turned out and make you out to be the problem.

I hope he's not entitled to any of your flat. Has he paid towards bills and food at all or is he mostly freeloading.

He has for maybe half of the marriage?

We are still ignoring each other. I was feeling strong before but now I’m not. I just don’t know why he doesn’t see how hurt I am. He just seems so unreachable.

My plan was to ignore today and then have it out with him / potentially leave tomorrow but I am really struggling now. Just keep thinking of all the good times.

He's not a good father or husband.

A good father plays with their child, interacts with their child, feeds them, changes their nappies, takes them on walks so mum can have a rest, does bedtime etc he doesn't sound like he does any of these things.

Question is do you want to live like what you have described? Read your own posts back what would you say if you're friend described that to you?!
Be strong!

Bump.

Going to lay down the law (boundaries, basing it on the pat evans book) in a while. Need a handhold to stick to my guns.

It’s not going to go well as when I told him we’re talking today (he’s been ignoring me for two days now) he insinuated I have a lot to apologise for.

Please keep me strong mumsnet!

How you holding up op. You need to do what's right for you and your DC's. You dont leave, make him leave and dont worry about where he is going to go and the fact he may blame you, him not takkng responsibility for his own actions/inactions is a symptom of him being him, nothing you have done wrong. It doesnt matter that he might get some flack from his mum, you need to hold on to removing the toxicity from yours and your childrens lives and have a more stable, calm future

Ive written a script with my non negotiables (stonewalling, twisting, swearing). I have a feeling he’ll immediately violate them and I will ask him to leave.

Really nervous now.

I have a feeling he’s getting worse cause I’m trying to take power back.

He’s still in bed of course. We got up five hours ago...

Remember that it's his selfish behaviour that has brought this not you.
He needs to step up, care for his child start acting like a adult and not a sulky teenager or get out!