I'm so sorry @Goingmad12345 for not responding sooner!
He started living full time in our "dream home" we had purchased Dec. '19, last May. It's 2 hours away, and he was working remotely so could work from anywhere. The "plan" was that I would get my house ready to sell (by myself) and have it sold by July of last year and relocate to our new home.
That time of separation was a godsend. His abuse only escalated once we were living apart. Possibly because it was the only way he could control me from afar? Who knows. His rages increased and were so out of proportion to my perceived missteps. The way he would twist everything around into it being all my fault was truly astounding. His word salad would only confuse me more, to the point I had no idea as to what he was angry about.
From May until September of last year, I was in intense therapy and I also was seeing a psychiatrist. I was a mess, but I was also willing to accept all the blame and do whatever it took so that he would love me again (ugh). If he had suggested I had a brain tumor, I would have gone and gotten tested. As it was, I had my hormone levels tested, and spent my days sobbing, drinking, begging (over text), and wishing I could flip a switch and end the pain.
By September I was emotionally drained from all of that, and my dear friend read me the riot act. She told me that this wasn't love. And that he didn't want to spend time with me. And that I deserved more. She hammered it into my head during a 2 hour walk, and I cried the whole time because I knew she was right. It gave me the strength to tell him that night, over text of course, that I couldn't do this anymore.
Literally the next morning, I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I was still a little weepy, but incredibly there was a lightness that I hadn't felt in months. Within a week I wasn't crying anymore and I woke up every morning smiling to myself because I could live MY life now without any repercussions. I felt giddy. And I still do. every day I feel stronger.
Some things that helped me: therapy, the book "Why Does He Do That", the book "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder", Doing one thing each day, even as simple as making my bed or showering - knowing I accomplished something which was huge, do whatever you need to do to cope, but in moderation (like drinking! lol) Confiding in trusted friends (they will show themselves from the rest) and taking care of myself in the moment. If I felt exhausted, I napped. Some days I slept up to 14 hours, but that's fine.
Anyway, I wish you the best! There is freedom on the other side waiting for you! I haven't cried since September either - at least over him - because I know NOW that he wasn't worthy of me.
Sending love and hugs xx