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Original poster

My partner watches porn

102 replies

Musiclovingmum · 24/01/2021 13:38

I have been with my partner for over a year now. We live together now, and I've always had a high sex drive so we have sex pretty much every day, some days more than once.

I have recently found out he has also been watching porn to sort himself out. He watches mature porn and BBW porn. I'm only 26 and he's 30, and I'm slim. He doesn't know I know yet or my feelings about it.

I just don't understand why he needs to watch other women online to get off when he can have it with anytime. I think it makes it worse that the women are completely the opposite to me.

Honest opinions before I speak to him, am I just overreacting about it?

OP posts:
BettyBo33 · 24/01/2021 13:41

Talk to him. Don’t sit on how you’re feeling. You need to communicate with him and go from there. Good luck x

trevthecat · 24/01/2021 13:43

Personally I think you are overreacting. You haven't said how you feel before this. It's fantasy and he is also allowed to have time to himself. Sometimes you don't want full sex, you just want to masturbate!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 24/01/2021 13:48

There's no threshold of overreacting / not. All you can say to him is what you are comfortable with, then he can do the same and say what he is comfortable with.

Remember when you talk that it's a discussion between two adults, not an argument or confrontation. Some people would be ok with it, some would tolerate it but be upset

, some would say it's a dealbreaker. Speak to him about it and both be honest, then decide what you want to do - if anything.

Skittles98 · 24/01/2021 13:53

I don't understand why you're worried about it. Porn is just a fantasy and him watching it has nothing to do with how he feels about you.

I watch porn and I'm happily married. I still like to watch it sometimes. It's fun to do myself alone from time to time and it's okay to want that whilst also loving sex with another person.

Let him know how you feel, but please bear in mind that he's done absolutely nothing wrong.

thedancingbear · 24/01/2021 13:53

Some women are uncomfortable with porn and the porn industry, with good reason.

However this:

I just don't understand why he needs to watch other women online to get off when he can have it with anytime

Together with your comments about your high sex drive, make it sound very much like the core of the problem is you don't want him masturbating. This is pretty controlling - if the genders were reversed it would be considered red flag territory etc.

Original poster
Musiclovingmum · 24/01/2021 13:53

Thank you for this, think this is sort of what I wanted to hear. Think tonight I will bring it up and see what happens. I don't think its wrong for people to watch it, I just don't understand in particular why he watches women who are the complete opposite to me. I'm tall, slim and young. He seems to watch petite, bigger and mature 🙃

OP posts:
Original poster
Musiclovingmum · 24/01/2021 13:58

@Skittles98

I don't understand why you're worried about it. Porn is just a fantasy and him watching it has nothing to do with how he feels about you.

I watch porn and I'm happily married. I still like to watch it sometimes. It's fun to do myself alone from time to time and it's okay to want that whilst also loving sex with another person.

Let him know how you feel, but please bear in mind that he's done absolutely nothing wrong.

I know he has done nothing wrong in a sense. It's the part where I feel I'm not his type as his exs have all been petite and bigger. Then that's the type of porn he is watching also. Thats obviously what he is more into, so thats where my issue lies.

From time to time it may not be an issue but its several times a week.

OP posts:
Original poster
Musiclovingmum · 24/01/2021 14:00

@thedancingbear

Some women are uncomfortable with porn and the porn industry, with good reason.

However this:

I just don't understand why he needs to watch other women online to get off when he can have it with anytime

Together with your comments about your high sex drive, make it sound very much like the core of the problem is you don't want him masturbating. This is pretty controlling - if the genders were reversed it would be considered red flag territory etc.

The issue isn't him masterbating. It's more what he is doing it to, and how these women are the total opposite to how I look but are the same build as his exs, which suggests this is what he is into
OP posts:
Skittles98 · 24/01/2021 14:00

Speak to him about it, OP, buy what he watches is likely not what he wants in real life. I certainly watch stuff I'd never be interested in in real life - it's kind of the point, at least for me.

Good luck, hope you feel reassured after talking to him

Skittles98 · 24/01/2021 14:05

Just saw your comment about his exes. So the main issue is you're worried you're not his type?

He is with you so I'm sure he is attracted to you. Does he do and say things to make you feel wanted? Does he show you he is attracted to you?

bakereld · 24/01/2021 14:08

I think you sound quite insecure OP. Why on earth isnt he allowed to watch or enjoy porn? You're being quite controlling imo

CambsAlways · 24/01/2021 15:15

I think you are over reacting

Anothernick · 24/01/2021 15:34

Man here, I also think you are overreacting. Porn is just wank fantasies to us men, we don't expect or want our DP to mirror what we see in porn. As long as you are happy with your sex life then there's nothing to worry about. Porn is stimulating, it will probably make him keener on sex with you as well as with himself. That is my experience.

EarthSight · 24/01/2021 15:41

@Anothernick

we don't expect or want our DP to mirror what we see in porn

Judging by how many women come on here saying their partner is pressuring them for anal, young women saying that men expect choking and find them strange if they dare to keep pubic hair, I would say you can only speak for yourself with this assertion.

SoulofanAggron · 24/01/2021 16:17

we don't expect or want our DP to mirror what we see in porn

@Anothernick As the PP said, a lot of men are constantly nagging for stuff.

thedancingbear · 24/01/2021 16:32

[quote EarthSight]@Anothernick

we don't expect or want our DP to mirror what we see in porn

Judging by how many women come on here saying their partner is pressuring them for anal, young women saying that men expect choking and find them strange if they dare to keep pubic hair, I would say you can only speak for yourself with this assertion.[/quote]
I tend to agree with this. I'm a feller, and a few years ago went on my 20-something year old nephew's stag. The conversation around sex and bedroom expectations has changed completely since I was the same age 20 years ago. The main difference seems to be that (many) young men expect sex to resemble porn.

I don't particularly have an objection to porn in principle, but as a matter of practicality it's harmful in lots of ways

mylovelydd · 24/01/2021 16:34

Recently I've noticed on MN that whenever a poster writes that their partner is watching porn and they aren't happy with it for whatever their reasons, loads of posters jump in to say that they are fine with it (irrelevant) and that OP should be too or she is insecure or controlling.

It's almost like over lockdown a shit ton of men have joined MN to put women in their place and tell them what to think/feel about their own thoughts. Anyone else noticed this? Hmm
One of them in particular rides up almost like clockwork to tell us basically how we should put up and shut up no matter what the issue relating to porn it...

FWIW OP you have EVERY right to decide how YOU feel about porn, that other posters are delighted for their partners to wank over porn is irrelevant. This is your relationship. I hope your talk goes well.

NiceGerbil · 24/01/2021 16:40

What is BBW?

partyatthepalace · 24/01/2021 16:45

Your feelings are completely valid, but equally watching porn doesn't have to be a big deal - it doesn't seem to interfere with your relationship.

I think it's quite normal for people to be interested in the opposite to what they have at home when it comes to fantasy. I suspect it's just part of your partner having a high sex drive himself.

So I'd talk to him and make it a discussion where you get to share your views. But I wouldn't be super concerned if I were you.

Givemeabreak88 · 24/01/2021 16:48

God luck finding a man that doesn’t, I don’t think that you have a problem with him watching porn sounds like you are just annoyed they don’t look like you

yetmorecrap · 24/01/2021 16:52

I feel to some extent feel many women on mumsnet of all ages are being bullied into thinking all Porn, however much of it or whatever type is fine and if we aren’t happy with it , then we are all a load of prudish controlling bores. Thing is if you are 100% fine with it OP , then great, but many women are not fine with it . Thing is OP if you are genuinely fine with it , then I think what he watches will often be what feels ‘a bit different’ to what he can get on tap at home if you know what I mean. Personally I feel it’s a habit that if it’s very frequent (not occasionally) then I want to know about it , simply so I decide whether I am happy to be in a relationship with someone using it — just as I would want to know if I was with a gambler or a drug user. If that’s controlling then so be it. I’m in my late 50s, I don’t desparately need to be with someone , so It’s not actually telling someone they can’t do it, it’s just deciding if you are singing from the same hymn sheet .

PontefractFake · 24/01/2021 17:12

@NiceGerbil

What is BBW?
'Big Beautiful Women' - normally morbidly obese women but smaller 'big' women are included in this too. It seems to vary massively. I wouldn't be worried about my partner watching it, really. I mean it's not ideal, but as long as he's not force feeding you to make you fat or making you dress as a granny, then what's the harm? Obviously if it encroaches on your sex life and how often you are intimate as well, then it's an issue. How did you find this out OP?
User5437585479 · 24/01/2021 17:13

I feel to some extent feel many women on mumsnet of all ages are being bullied into thinking all Porn, however much of it or whatever type is fine and if we aren’t happy with it , then we are all a load of prudish controlling bores.

This.

This is how my partner made me feel when I discovered he had been watching it (by accident). He referred to me as a prude. I am awaiting counselling - so they can apparently help me to see how unreasonable I'm being. Okay, it is not an addiction but even the thought of him sat there in front of it makes me cringe. I have lost respect for him and was amazed how much it shook my trust in him (unsuspecting, asleep upstairs in bed as were dcs). I have children so can't make any rash decisions but this has helped me to see that there are other cracks in our relationship which I hadn't noticed before. My partner turned to porn whilst I was experiencing a temporary problem with my health, coupled with having a baby. It seems that he has a valid excuse for turning to porn and I am the irrational one...at least he didn't have an affair has been trotted out. I have no issue with masturbation but I do have an issue with using a visual aid such as this and all the other issues that porn presents.

God luck finding a man that doesn’t, I don’t think that you have a problem with him watching porn sounds like you are just annoyed they don’t look like you

Yep, here's another one. When I posted a while back...posts like this just kept on rolling in.

Bunchup · 24/01/2021 17:18

Porn isn't 'fantasy'.

Porn is real people, having real sex. Real abuse, real suffering, real addiction, real rape.

About as far from harmless fantasy as you can get, in fact.

meltedgalaxy · 24/01/2021 17:20

He's human, he masturbates. I don't see the problem. I've never understood why anyone would be upset by this? If it was effecting your sex life in terms of him wanting out act out fantasies he watches and you aren't comfortable with, or he's spending more time watching porn than with you then fair enough but just to masturbate, I don't see an issue.